Week 6 - Mike Wrecka (2-3) vs. breathless (2-2) - BREATHLESS WINS 7-4

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic :** You must use this quote as the last line of your verse.**


"Some stains never really wash clean."



Good Luck breathless

[Mike Wrecka]

check btw

[breathless]

Chilson

Votes
http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=196787&postcount=7
http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=198196&postcount=8
http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=198227&postcount=9

[breathless]

These aren't hopes and dreams,
I've set the bar low. It seems
what the stars shown for me
were sparse goals to meet.

Carved roads that bleed,
with sour notes and needs.
Scars hold the seeds sown
in dark rows of grief.

An over the top underachiever
with nowhere to stop, and nothin to believe's there.
Once I leave here, with God hot on my heels it'll be fair.
I can feel the evil clutch of the devil tellin me to beware.

But fuck it, I haven't listened since I hit the level that I think I'm on.
Rock bottom, crushin gravel with my genius palms.
On the brink of reachin beyond but never stickin my neck out.
Tryin to keep positive, but honestly, I'm a wreck now.

Want the real truth? Ready for some feels dude?
Well, you came to the wrong guy. What a shame, for a long while.
I blamed all the songs I've made on this strong grind.
It's the way that's wears away all these lost rights.

I've been left for dead, tossed by the wayside.
Kept my head held high, fingers crossed at the same time.
A little lingerin hope that if I'm bringin it home
it might be stingin a bit, but the thing is, I quit... Nope.

Tryin to be a pawn in this game, shit, I'd rather find a new board to play in.
On the same trip, just a different vehicle.
Accidentally grabbin a stiff mixed drink to chase this
sick feeling in my stomach away as I attempted to change drifts... Squealed through.

Blew my chances, tired and banged up, I walked free.
You all saw it coming, I am drained, I've lost me.
I guess its true what they never say when you cross streets...
Some stains never really wash clean.

[Mike Wrecka]

there's a stain left on me, it wont go anywhere,
trying to remove it is useless, all I know is despair,
so I suppress these emotions cause if I showed that I care,
it will expose the sad truth, that I wasn't prepared,
how did I let this happen, everything was fine,
now im wishing I could turn back the hands of time,
just rewind and go back to a happier place,
before I was impacted by these careless mistakes,
wasn't properly prepared, not sure what to do next,
these cloudy skies up ahead got me feeling depressed,
it seems that the best course of action is finding a distraction,
cause being out of your mind is now out of fashion,
yes I did my best but that only makes things worse,
these rough roads ahead must somehow be traversed,
im done, this is over, im about to let go,
remove my belt buckle and raise it in the air really slow,
find a garbage can and check that its steady,
what im about to do is drastic ,im not sure that im ready,
my hands are feeling heavy, they aren't moving very fast,
I cant believe im about to throw my favorite pair of jeans in the trash,
but they cant be cleansed, I got ketchup all over them,
I don't want it to be over, but I fear that this is the end,
one last look and then, that's it they are gone,
how could a relationship so perfect , went so wrong,
there was a stain left on me, it wouldn't go anywhere,
trying to remove it was useless, all I felt was despair,
so I suppressed these emotions cause if I showed that I cared,
it would have exposed the said truth, that I wasn't prepared,
should have ate more carefully, now I miss my jeans,
its true when they say some stains really never wash clean

[PancakeBrah]

breathless -

Loved the opening. I'm a sucker for melancholy in this verses and your wording was crisp. There were rhymes, but they were ancillary. The content and idea you wanted to communicate was apparent and set the tone for your entire piece. Well done. The second section started off strong. I enjoyed the first two lines. The third and fourth didn't do it for me; they seemed a bit hokey, like you had lost a bit of steam and wrote something you thought would sound deep but I think it you would have been better served losing the metaphor and used common language. Third section was solid, the only note I have is that 'evil clutch' is corny. I find that using adjectives in these verses is a tricky affair. There's a line between necessary description and superfluous over-reaching, and although for the most you did well in this area throughout the verse this particular instance was definitely in the latter category. "I haven't listened since I hit the level that I think I'm on." was a great line, unique thought with great wording. It communicates so much in an economy of words, with the imperative word being 'think'. I enjoyed it. 'Genius palms' had the same problem as 'evil clutch'. Too much. Wasn't mad at the end of the fourth section, overall solid with the first line being the standout. 'Ready for some feels dude?' was clever, again with good wording. 'Strong grind', again, falls into the same category as 'evil clutch' and 'genius palms'. You shoehorned 'strong' in to complete the rhyme, but I'd rather you just lose the multi and keep the wording natural. 'It's the way that's wears away all these lost rights.' doesn't make sense, but that's just a grammar typo. The sixth section (left for dead) was solid all the way through, nothing negative to say. Same with the seventh section (pawn), I thought this was actually your second strongest section behind the opener. Strong wording throughout. The ending was okay. I like 'I lost me'.

Overall this was pretty strong. Your take on the task/concept of the week was about as straightforward as it gets. If I were to have written for this ending line your approach would've been one of the first ideas that popped in my head as I cycled through routes to take. That's not necessarily a bad thing because the actual verse itself stood on it's own well enough but you don't get any bonus points in my mind for difficulty or creativity in approach. This was probably my favorite verse from you, although I'm not overly familiar with your writing. A few mechanical things in your writing bugged me, but that's personal preference, and I came away from your verse satisfied. Well done.


Mike -

Interesting. I went back and fourth in my mind, mulling over how to feel about this verse. The route you took was creative and funny, but your execution left a lot to be desired in my opinion. You really did have me going the direction you wanted when you started this verse, as I thought this was going to be another run of the mill ode to suicide. I actually rolled my eyes and thought 'Mike's better than this', but then you had the twist and I actually reread it a few times knowing the true point of the verse. You handled the curveball well, it almost seems that you purposefully put yourself into to the mindset of writing the set up as if it was the true intent of the piece and the effect of fooling the reader, and the surprise, is real. I have a couple problems with your verse, though, and they're pretty important in my estimation. First and foremost, your wording, language, and thoughts got to be very redundant as the verse went on. You used 'prepared' three times all in the same context. I know that you purposefully repeated the beginning as the ending, but I thought that tactic wasn't effective and the redundancy made this piece feel short and a bit rushed. This ties in with my second problem, which is the placement of the 'twist' and the lines after it. Instead of placing the twist about 2/3's of the way through then hitting the read over the head with the fact you did the twist by re-iterating your opening for effect, I would have much preferred the twist come near the end with maybe 2-4 lines after for effect and topic tie-in, and have the majority of the verse being the set up allowing the reader to reread the verse again with the twist in mind. Granted, I did this anyway, but the more times I read it the more I felt the section AFTER the twist is revealed is a weakness for the verse and comes off more as redundant wording than the effect you wanted. Throughout the piece the rhymes were pretty basic, although that isn't always a negative.

Overall I'm not sure how to feel about this verse. You got me, but as I said, the more I think about it the more it could have been handled more eloquently. Unlike breathless, I definitely give you kudos for creativity in relation to the topic this week but I'm not sure if I liked your execution.

As far as the vote goes, I enjoyed both of your verses. I know I tend to sound negative in my breakdowns but I came away from both verses having enjoyed them and happy that I read the battle. Mike's approach was creative and played on the fact writer's try to be so deep, it was almost satirical in retrospect. But I think breathless had the better written verse and kept my attention a bit more, albeit with a very straightforward approach to the topic. Thanks for the read, you both are strong writers and I look forward to reading your verses next week.

v/breathless

[Geno]

Breathles
Loved what you did, had really nice flow to the read, thought the content was great.
No filler, to the point, strong transitions. Actually read this a couple times since its been up. Can't complain

Mike
Your verse was dope, a lot like pancake.. I felt this was going somewhere totally different lmaoo. You had me fucked up when it was simply ketchup on jeans. I thought it was gonna be a murdered my girl verse or something. Good way to pull off the mislead. As far as how you did mechanically, I feel like it was a typical mw verse. Had a simple flow to it and delivery was strong. Felt you could have added some pizzaz to it though, to make it more ntertaining. The verse was tite, but I think breathless edges it. Sry friend, I have to vote for..

V-breathless.
Good battle, props to both

[Mr. J]

This was a cool battle both of you have my admiration
Two different styles that almost seem alike in a way
A paradox amongst both of you that holds quite a resonance to me
Breathless you are either improving very rapidly...
Or you are getting comfortable enough to branch out
Regardless your verses continue to impress me...
The way your story carried a long was impressive nice work
Mike I enjoyed your verse as well you seemed to let loose as well
Adding a interesting aspect to your verse and a funny twist
Which I thoroughly enjoyed due to it's surprise ending
Dope work I must add
Both of you kind off edged each other out in a certain way
Topping each others style and somewhat making me back/forth between you two
It's kind of tough but clear enough to see who did work
Ima have to give it to breathless

[Certain]

breathless: You take very direct paths on topics, which definitely can detract from your verses in a league like this, with so many creative writers. But in this case, I thought you executed better than you have any other week. Your lyricism was sharp, with a wide variety of rhyme schemes held up by a consistent cadence. The content was plain, but you mixed in quite a few really nice turns of phrase, such as "An over the top underachiever" and "Kept my head held high, fingers crossed at the same time." There wasn't anything remarkable about those lines or this verse, but the simple, effective tone made for a relatable verse that was carried by the rhymes.

Mike Wrecka: I really think this idea had great potential. I'm thinking some people might not like the ketchup twist, but I did. It was very real and had the potential for comedy. Unfortunately, I don't think you fully delivered on the sentimentality or the comedy of it. By keeping the twist a secret for most of the verse (which can and has worked on other topics, for you and others), you wee forced to keep the early part very generic. I think it would be very cool to read an entire verse developing the narrator's relationship with these jeans through specific moments, culminating in the throwing away, like if you had begun with the ketchup spill reveal and then flashed back to better times with those jeans. Unfortunatley, the writing (including an on-and-off rhyme scheme that included some single-syllable rhymes) did not match the creativity of the topic and left me feeling a bit flat.

Vote: breathless

[Split]

MikeWrecka

I took a similar cop out this week haha. It was actually a nice breath off fresh air, to write about something other than people. Im not sure how i feel about this verse... the beginning seemed to me like you were trying to write a different story altogether. I didnt like the direction you took, it seems you just turned a growing, innate sense of sadness into throwing away a pair of jeans you liked It was awkward for me. melodramatic i guess. It didnt come across as funny but rather anticlimactic.


Breathless

still really do not like your use of metaphors. the pawn one.

first off. You are picking a phrase that already has a connotation... like, if I call someone a pawn- especially in the context of the grand game of life or whatever, it's like saying that they're stuck at the bottom and shifted around by those with greater power than them and their class/ role puts them in the shit of lifes struggles.

And you are saying you are trying to be a pawn. but would rather find a different board. where in the context of your metaphor, you would still be a pawn. which you want to be.

there is no outside context or emotion to frame that, so idk.

In your first verse, you say you've set the bar low. Then you say what the stars have shown for you is sparse goals. You assign your troubles to both fate and your own lack of motivation within the span of four lines, without elaborating on either.

The over the top underachiever verse was by far the worst. Or maybe the carve roads that bleed. Or maybe that the idea of crossing streets somehow relates to stains.


Idk bro. At this point, you are just crafting ideas for the sake of crafting them. It seems like you are either
1) trying really hard to carefully describe exactly what you or your narrator is feeling, without just telling us the story or delineating a change or relationship the reader should be aware of
2) trying to emulate depth

The main frustration with all that shit I just wrote is that I don't understand... and not a general hazy unawareness, but like. i do not understand a single thing about you or what you were trying to write after having read the story.

V/ Mike Wrecka

[Diode]

breathless:

the rhyming was very basic and the intro was stilted due to formatting (i am guilty of doing similar things). however, the stilted nature continued throughout the verse. this may simply be your style, but i feel it exposed how basic those rhymes schemes were and detracted from the story your were trying to tell. as with battles, most stories have already been told so i don't want to ding you too much for what you chose to run with.. it just seemed safe. i didn't mind your verse, i just thought you could have been more creative and technical with your schemes.

mike:

i was prepared to copy and paste my feedback for breathless and append it to you. then you go and do something like this:

I cant believe im about to throw my favorite pair of jeans in the trash,

... and totally redeem yourself. i still think i trumped you with my swerve this week, but i love the creativity. i'm going to secretly pretend that my verse inspired you. the twist nailed it. i still think you also kept the rhymes pretty basic (though with a more traditional format), but the payoff was great.

v/ mike

[Adonis]

v/Breath

mike, the feeling was very somber and touching up until you openly began speaking of jeans. I can assume there's a metaphor, but honestly it just fell short. I liked the approach before the reveal, it truly read like you personally were breaking down with loads of emotion in the verse, then you killed it with the jeans. Breath, solid flow. I enjoyed the read, the emotion and feeling you conveyed was strong. No real complaints to be honest which is rare, so kudos.

[patrown]

overall i think you both went similar distances with your concept. although you utilized different approaches, i felt different things from each. this was a great battle. that's why i'm not starting off on a particular person like i normally do. i feel like breathless explored a lot of the psyche. at the same time, i feel like mike wrecka was a little more situational. so i got more emotion from breathless, while i understood more of what mike did with what he had instead of just exploring how he felt about an instance . whatever it(s) was. it wasn't really clear with both. so..

breathless -i felt more engaged. seriously breath, you improved by leaps and bounds this week..,................... on what you put forward.this week i really think you tried to accomodate your audience more. so seriously, i am proud of you. and happy for you. and think you kicked fucking ass. but you were still toooooo vague.
But fuck it, I haven't listened since I hit the level that I think I'm on.
^^^ you really do not listen. and i think you're great because of that fact. but it could hurt you in the future. GET OUTSIDE OF YOURSELf. create stories. fictional people that don't exist. fictional situations that you can express yourself through. i think it will take your writing to a whole new level. but i enjoyed this piece a lot so don't think i'm voting biased because i want you to do what i want you to do. freal. but this week you took an extremely vague premis and WENT FOR IT. went for it. seriously. did great.

mike wrecka - his verse could be interpreted a few different ways. i gotta smoke a cig on this fuck. brb. i imagined an air pressured truckers seat from this pair..
im done, this is over, im about to let go,
remove my belt buckle and raise it in the air really slow,
idk why. probably my own experiences. just felt that from what you gave to that point. but after that you created this sense of wonder. like, you just killed a hooker? got a bunch of period blood all over you? orrr.. you just ate some dank nessy dogs. and you got catsup all over your ass. idk. truly, i'm a bit confused. i want to know what you ate. perhaps what brand your jeans were. what stains you had. i don't think you really explored what kind of psychological stains you had or more specifically - where they came from. if there would have been some dead hooker action --- or seriously , some rotten hot dog steez, like.. food poisoning.. god damkn you nessy burger.. iw ould have seriously felt mws more.

/v breath. as a complete piece of work, i enjoyed his more. but i really do think MW had more potential from what these two had. so mike, you came so extremely close to victory, i want to know what your character had for dinner. or more about the hooker you offed. but breath, you took it this week. great job dude. no bias. read both 5+ times. great battle. extremely great battle. and for the record, i changed my vote more than five times before i came to this conclusion. if mw would have created a solid character and followed through with solid character development he would have won this week. imo.

[e11even]

Breathless- This was well written, good cadence and flow. I wasn't exactly sure the subject you were aiming for, other than being a failure at (life?) something, but the body of work produced was pretty good.

Mike- This seemed similar to the Breathless approach, but more toward relationships. This felt more literal. Some metaphors felt sloppy, but overall an ok read.

MVGT Breathless for an overall better written piece. I didn't entirely like the angles, but it was an interesting read nonetheless. [i'm pressed for time]

[Frank]

I've read both verses in their entirety, i will now jot my thoughts between the lines.


breathless

These aren't hopes and dreams,
I've set the bar low. It seems
what the stars shown for me
were sparse goals to meet.

Carved roads that bleed,
with sour notes and needs.
Scars hold the seeds sown
in dark rows of grief.
^i like that notes & needs into the dark rows of grief segment. painted a desolate picture for me.

An over the top underachiever
with nowhere to stop, and nothin to believe's there.
Once I leave here, with God hot on my heels it'll be fair.
I can feel the evil clutch of the devil tellin me to beware.

But fuck it, I haven't listened since I hit the level that I think I'm on.
Rock bottom, crushin gravel with my genius palms.
On the brink of reachin beyond but never stickin my neck out.
Tryin to keep positive, but honestly, I'm a wreck now.

Want the real truth? Ready for some feels dude?
^pause
Well, you came to the wrong guy. What a shame, for a long while.
I blamed all the songs I've made on this strong grind.
It's the way that's wears away all these lost rights.

I've been left for dead, tossed by the wayside.
Kept my head held high, fingers crossed at the same time.
^nice
A little lingerin hope that if I'm bringin it home
it might be stingin a bit, but the thing is, I quit... Nope.

Tryin to be a pawn in this game, shit, I'd rather find a new board to play in.
On the same trip, just a different vehicle.
Accidentally grabbin a stiff mixed drink to chase this
sick feeling in my stomach away as I attempted to change drifts... Squealed through.
^'squealed through' worked oddly enough from a physical flow stand point. 'squealed through' read like a person just making it under the mechanical wall.

Blew my chances, tired and banged up, I walked free.
You all saw it coming, I am drained, I've lost me.
I guess its true what they never say when you cross streets...
Some stains never really wash clean.

this verse was reflectively written in a refreshingly honest manner, but I would like to see what you can do from a third person writers voice perspective. Then again, you may want to hone this personal, I, way of writing. It is, I'm sure, therapeutic, but it is not in my opinion, monumental.

Mike Wrecka.

there's a stain left on me, it wont go anywhere,
trying to remove it is useless, all I know is despair,
so I suppress these emotions cause if I showed that I care,
it will expose the sad truth, that I wasn't prepared,
how did I let this happen, everything was fine,
now im wishing I could turn back the hands of time,
just rewind and go back to a happier place,
before I was impacted by these careless mistakes,
^"this" careless mistake
wasn't properly prepared, not sure what to do next,
these cloudy skies up ahead got me feeling depressed,
it seems that the best course of action is finding a distraction,
cause being out of your mind is now out of fashion,
^"out of fashion" - more of this kind of word play would've tooken this verse to another level.
yes I did my best but that only makes things worse,
these rough roads ahead must somehow be traversed,
im done, this is over, im about to let go,
remove my belt buckle and raise it in the air really slow,
find a garbage can and check that its steady,
what im about to do is drastic ,im not sure that im ready,
my hands are feeling heavy, they aren't moving very fast,
I cant believe im about to throw my favorite pair of jeans in the trash,
^the pay off. almost perfectly timed, saved the verse and then put it into perspective. it was a punchline amongst the bland/vague lines - that really made it effective. basically a whole moment leading up to that very point. almost made the verse feel up-to-the-minute.
but they cant be cleansed, I got ketchup all over them,
^ketchup was a weak protagonist though. you could get ketchup out with vinegar.
I don't want it to be over, but I fear that this is the end,
one last look and then, that's it they are gone,
how could a relationship so perfect , went so wrong,
there was a stain left on me, it wouldn't go anywhere,
trying to remove it was useless, all I felt was despair,
so I suppressed these emotions cause if I showed that I cared,
it would have exposed the said truth, that I wasn't prepared,
^repeating these lines did nothing for me.
should have ate more carefully, now I miss my jeans,
its true when they say some stains really never wash clean
^way to attack a topic head on though - something that is sometimes neglected and frowned upon and I have no idea why.

very original idea, execution was misleading, but I feel it was not done purposefully or masterfully. Could've been more clever in that aspect, like the out of fashion line, more of that. Know what I'm saying? Pats on the back though kid, you've added another creative piece to your memoir.

vote - Mike Wrecka

[YDK]

This was a good battle, breathless I thought you brought a unique style again man. The format was original and it still held a solid flow with multies scattered nicely. Wasn't really sure how the crossing streets landing tied in tho other than maybe a new course in life maybe?
Mw also a unique verse an metaphorically it was strong but literally I thought it was even better because of the humor aspect lol very smooth and well thought out piece with strong multies through out.
I gotta vote for Mike here for a bit more fluid verse and stronger in the metaphor department. Good battle guys