Week 7 - Contender Match - Certain (5-1) vs. Adonis (3-2) - CERTAIN WINS 7-0

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic

http://i.imgur.com/GhzugTA.jpg




Good Luck Certain Adonis

[Adonis]

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=30093

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=30098

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=30139

[Certain]

Spin. Spin. Spin.
But when she stopped doing pirouettes,
Jennifer spent her evenings with sushi, saké and cigarettes.
A citiot trapped with suburban sub-humans
who preferred bourbon consumed amid unnerving club music.
So Jennifer danced.
Though she worked days in a cafe for coin,
her greatest joys came on stage for Ballet Des Moines.
The focused type, humble but still could sashay with poise,
Jennifer danced and, when she finished, went backstage with boys.
This was her life: Defining her worth via Jack, Dave and Roy.
She'd act playful, coy, then retract ... until she met her match.

Terrence wasn't like Jennifer, but he liked Jennifer,
and he biked everywhere, treating life secular.
He was aloof, mostly — even his ring finger was preoccupied.
But they were on the outs, he'd say. Didn't speak oftentimes.
Jennifer, she'd swallow lies. Jennifer, she'd fall in line.
Jennifer, she'd tell her friends back home about this awesome guy.
Terrence took her to the city, to the hippest plays and concerts.
But he'd disappear for days, apologize and blame it on work.

But Terrence came by early the day Jennifer was late.
Her career tipped in the balance, and he's telling her to wait.
She wasn't ready to be a mother.
She wasn't ready to not be one, either.
He mentioned a clinic, swore it was a popular procedure.
But Jennifer wanted to define herself as more than a mistress here,
so Terrence kissed her on her forehead and disappeared.

The doctor's mouth was moving.
That's how she knew he's speaking,
something about bad habits, a thin frame and fluid leaking.
She was naked underneath the hospital gown,
so Jennifer danced because nothing else seemed possible now.

Spin. Spin. Spin.
And once she walked off her dizziness,
Jennifer found herself alone with sushi, saké and cigarettes.

[Adonis]

Hey there, how about a dance?

...

Stiletto silhouette, Seduction struts by slow,
I follow, gawking like a perverted psycho,
A priceless goddess treated like a side show,
she feels the heavy stares as her eyes roll,
She can't blame man for god perfecting design,
So she accepts her gift, and elects to grind,
The polls are cast...The tents are pitched,
This vixens mission...To collect rent and strip.

Seduction with thighs, the dance is so musical,
Swaying side to side, the movement is beautiful,
I see the devil in her eyes, and although it's not usual,
I'll play for the night, if she gives me the cue to go.

…


Heaven nestled between thighs, I dreamt that I tasted,
You poses the nectar of gods, ambrosia so sacred,
With beautiful placement and a mind most creative,
Fully clothed yet more gorgeous than when stripped down and naked,
I want you for you, not what the body possessed,
I want the knowledge, the heart, I want what's under the chest,
I had a thick skin, true, but even it needs caressed,
I'm honest and smart, your job's a thundering stress,
I'm humbled and vexed, stop or exit this mess,
A dead end is next...I can't explain with just a second in gest...


A lifetime of love is worth more than dollars and sense,
Ironic, I love you....but tell me, at what expense?

….

[Geno]

Very fucking dope battle. Gonna vote in a few hrs.
But yes, read these and this is gonna be tough

[Mike Wrecka]

wooooo good battle dudes

certain - really liked this piece. im pretty sure Adonis wrote about a woman getting an abortion at one point this season but this was better. I liked the progression of the story you took. introduce us to the main character, then introduce a protagonist. they fall for each other and then you introduced a conflict. you provided a solution to that conflict and brought things full circle. it told the story that some things just never change. Jennifer could have had a happy life after getting pregnant, white picket fence and all but she fell for the wrong guy. a married man. which is just part of the cycle of bad decisions she has made to get her where she is right now. the wording and mechanics were very well done as was the rhyming. good end word choices. I was only semi disappointed that you and your opponent both ignored the rainbow colors of the smoke coming from the cigarette. but I did like that you created an entire verse based on that cigarette and the word that you found that rhymes with it pirouettes.


Adonis - you painted a pretty picture here. very nice vocab used. it was very beautifully written. the multis stood out to me as dope. the story of a guy in a strip club transcending time during a lap dance and really falling for the stripper and feeling sorrow for her at the same time. feeling like, you are better than this you deserve better. also feeling like in his probable drunkenness that he knows her. she is up on him, and he could sense her essence and he feels a connection and he wishes that he could take her home. not to do sexual things to, but to start a relationship with, to nurture , to love. dope concept. I liked it


overall- insanely tough to vote on. I really liked both. I would love to say tie but that is gay. I think for me the one fraction of a difference is the way Certain ended his. it brought closure and showed a cycle which I enjoyed. Adonis your ending fit the verse perfectly. you couldn't have ended it better. but certains story lent itself to a better ending than yours. and that tips the scales ever so slightly in my eyes. very dope battle guys. thanks for the reads.


vote - certain

[PancakeBrah]

Best picture of the week. I want to marry the raven haired mistress spooling creativity out of her vice.

Certain-

You're opening four lines (after the 'spin' line which you used as foreshadowing/tone setting) were great. Perfect pitch, rhythm smooth and scenes painted. Who gives a fuck about on Oxford Comma? Anyways. In fact your first section is pretty flawless aside from 1) using names to match a multi and 2)the purposeful non-rhyme to end the section (edit-it was a rhyme, but a non inner-multi rhyme. Sorry I missed that. My general point still stands, it wasn't in the context of your scheme to that point). The use of names to make a rhyme is something I do but I don't enjoy it when I do it and I feel it's a cop out, especially in this instance where none of those names are characters. While I understand you didn't have them as characters for a reason; they're standard male names just used to reflect the fact she previously whored out, but still. The non-rhyme ending is also something I use on occasion, but this section was so perfectly wound that it felt a bit glaring in my read. I just wrote a lot of negative words for a section I thought was a definite strong suit, all apologies. I felt you started off extremely well. Understated and matter of fact. Moving on, the second section was strong as well, but not as much as the first. The first 3/4's of your opening lines were stellar. I didn't enjoy 'treating life secular'. Weird wording to me. "even his ring finger was preoccupied." was great, said a lot in an efficiency of words and fell in line with the tone. Loved it. The use of 'Jennifer,' as a writing device was interesting. I neither liked or disliked it. The use of 'awesome' was foreboding and well designed, hard word to place without being called out on it. Well done. Third section was transitional, and important to the overall piece. I felt it was a tad bit weaker than the other two sections in terms of writing but the ending two lines were well written with a nice rhythm. The beginning of your fourth section was choice. Described the rock bottom being delivered and the subsequent numbness in a well painted scene and description. From there on to the end of the fourth section, though, seemed a bit perfunctory. I think you stuck the landing with your post script, and keyed the entire tone of verse well. There was no twist, this was a characterization+story acting on the harshness and usually barren loneliness of life. A reality check verse, nestled in the mundane. This wasn't so much about an abortion but rather trying to change, failing, and realizing the person you wanted to change is probably the person you are, so deal with that. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Your wording and thought are your strong suits. I will say, though, that I think when you keep a rhyme scheme for longer periods you read better than when you change up every couple of lines. Your runs of thought are so strong but when I have to adjust to a new scheme every couple of bars it takes the focus away from your strengths, which is the content between rhymes.

Adonis-

I thought this was good. Your wording issues were ironed out, for the most part, and I liked the route you chose for your topic. It's a route that has been done hundreds of times before (I'm in love with a strippperrr) but you knew that and focused on the details and emotions, which made it unique and personable enough to not make it tired. I think this is probably the best verse I've read by you in the league; concise, to the point, but purposeful, with your best wording/rhythm yet. With that said, although you didn't have the usual 50/50 lapse of wording I've found in previous pieces you did have some weak points. 'Thundering stress' and 'humbled and vexed' did not do it for me at all.

Overall this was a good to great battle. I think Adonis dropped a verse that would beat 75% of verses this week, but everything I enjoyed about his verse Certain did 10% better. Both wrote well and I enjoyed this battle in heaps.

v/Certain


edit- both of you took a route i didn't expect. the verve is the coloration and what it means. so many possible paths to that. it took me a minute to even realize the dance implication.

[zygote]

For Certain, firstly some surface level points, the rhyme schemes are great, using some big rhymes while keeping a natural phrase and no awkward wording (E.g., highlight - Ballet Des Moines - sashay with poise), this is all like the extra toppings that adds to enjoyment from a technical perspective but doesn't make or break it. Again, there is a display of great writing tricks backed up by the language - the cyclical beginning and ending and the specific words "SPIN" it is enjoyable to see the language and the writing tools supporting each other and subtly too.

For Adonis, did not enjoy it really as a whole. There are some positives such as the wording in parts, but considering you wrote a story, as a cohesive whole there was not much progression or much in terms of underlying themes. Yes it was described well with some good language but beyond that not much. I also felt like you missed a trick by not focusing on the voyeur aspect more, perhaps that could have been effective considering your penchant for writing about the taboo. Voting for Certain.

[Certain]

I lead 3-0, pending Genocide's vote.

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=30101
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=30093
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=30100

[symetrik]

Certain
really strong opening stanzas, come third though it started slipping off in my opinion. even though a large amount of lines were used, the story felt rushed none-the-less.
however, had a decent connection with the topic, and a strong story line.

favourite lines
A citiot trapped with suburban sub-humans
who preferred bourbon consumed amid unnerving club music.
such good flow on this line, I could read this part all day.
Though she worked days in a cafe for coin,
her greatest joys came on stage for Ballet Des Moines.


Adonis
decent plot, average structure.
no connection to topic.

favourite lines
A priceless goddess treated like a side show,
she feels the heavy stares as her eyes roll,


vote: certain

[patrown]

mvgt certain this week, because his end piece felt more complete at the end. his mechanics on top of the well told story made my decision.

i did like what you did with yours, adonis. i just didn't get a feeling something just happened. instead, it was as if you made an observation, rather then giving me a story i can make observations about. had you wrote a little more, or developed one of your characters fully - this could have gone either way.

[Mr. J]

V/Certain

after taking a moment to let the battle sink in I felt both had great aspects
both styles really clashed against each other as well
Adonis had a smooth little flow to his piece which was cool
The descriptive vibe I got from him felt...idk forced in a way though
maybe its just me and I'm unclear of how your mechanics work
Certain just seemed to bring his A game this week though
which I thoroughly commend for having a different touch then previous weeks
regarless thus was a cool battle

[Frank]

Vote goes to Certain


Sensitive duel between 2 writers who write from a womens perspectives 90% of the time. Neither verse really brought any new ideas to the table, generically sensitive material - with certain being the lesser of the culprit.