Week 8 - Vulgar (3-2) vs. Mr. J (5-2) - VULGAR WINS 6-3

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/ZDKwyvm.jpg
Season 2




Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic


Cold World





Good Luck Vulgar Mr. J

[Vulgar]

In

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=31662
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=31668
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=31669

[Mr. J]

I bet

[Vulgar]

"The Warsaw Trifecta"

I.

Roman was a wiry chap, noncompliant, nonchalant as can be
His in & out of school antics weren't what his papa wanted to see
He'd pop a molly with thieves, when cops had knocked him for trees
The way his mother bellowed at him would've put Pavarotti at ease
A sprouting adolescent, doing foolish things as only a young man can
but yet his heart was in the right place - like successful Frankenstein transplants
Pointy nose, raspy voice, he answered "yes" at the knock at the door
Then gunshots conjured a force that made his mom and pops drop to the floor

II.

Max was not only meticulous with his hands, he was a heartbreaker
Girls tried to turn back time - but his father was a watchmaker
born with malice engraved, he always loved the scent of trouble
What he lacked on common decency, he made up for with extensive hustle
he'd ascend a couple of staircases, handing out biodegradable drugs
No patience, no trust, confrontations were rough -
And when the chips were down, and morale had caved in enough
Godlessness was purveyor, instructor, town mayor & judge
He had no time to get involved with a selfish broad
His uncle Stanislaw used to say "plus the Nazi's don't exactly help the cause..."

III.

Henryk was no artillery man, he'd had thin, embalmed, gentle hands
A bookworm all his life, loyal member of the synagogue temple band
Now he's loading in the clips - ones that were preferably light
Earnestly striped, the university type, doing duty to quell Germany's strike
Was it futile? Would the resistance come crashing down to bits?
He was devastated... his wife & kids perished when his house got hit
Those rogue bunker busters; I guess it's likely true, that life is cruel
The cold world in which we live is one giant, icy pool

IV. Epilogue

These three ordinary city men had two things in common:
One, they were Polish citizens and kept the passion alive
Two, when the war came calling, they got drafted & died
I've concluded that the world's a dead dimension, the blacklisted kind
turned my back on the shrine, living during these blasphemous times
Having faith is like being ravaged and blind, ignoring labyrinth signs
in a realm where frosty particles flounder about & pathogens glide
Three Polish gentlemen - one everlasting demise
A grim reality for spirits destined to pass through the Rhine

[Mr. J]

The moment is gone, the feeling is lost, every last emotion is absent
frozen in time like..that's it...the story ended, but never the attraction
it continues to be a part of me, you can hear the stress in my accent
the anger that remains passive..I continue pushing away til' it pulls me back in
I can no longer fight it, it's in my gene's to continue acting out this pattern
I can't change what happened but I always catch myself trying to imagine it
it's not about what mattered then, but now...and that's what the challenge is
correction of past motives that remain captured in the mind with how to handle it
through each reenactment it makes me feel weaker....mad & sick...
I had enough of trying to be the one that separated onto a different path to live
yet I'm here...explaining to you that there's more to me & what I have to give
I let myself free from what was left for me, because it all lacked depth to me
it made me feel empty...to the point that there was nothing else left to see
a fading memory that made me feel like rehabilitation was just another step to me
a mile long discrepancy, with my own foreshadow standing right next to me
taking the last of my energy, making me realize that this is all rudimentary
there's a lack of sense in me...a disappearance of thought
and the more I think about it I no longer feel coherent at all
but I'm here & I'm on another path that's leaving me fearing the fall
knowing when you disappear or your gone, finished hearing it all
you'll only see me exhibit what I knew, and I was clearly at fault
but you show no difference in your motive, or appearance of thought
your emotionless & I feel like you were never seriously awed...
approving in what I've become, I'm fine though, I'm finally hearing the call
the disappearance is fine, it left me nearly distraught
since I've been standing in this museum....I know you'll never hear me at all
Its truly a cold world because all I have left are these mannequins
A path they left for me to walk on and learn how to truly be a man again
a native american exhibit used as an exposé to shed light on our differences...our establishment...
disbanding further fury by setting flame to this place would only further my abandonment...
for what I thought would heal the wounds left over the centuries
but even then....this world would be quick to brush off the memory
and all it ever meant to me

[timeless]

Vulgar
""he'd ascend a couple of staircases, handing out biodegradable drugs
No patience, no trust, confrontations were rough -
And when the chips were down, and morale had caved in enough
Godlessness was purveyor, instructor, town mayor & judge""
This part was dope. However, it is the only part I felt was necessary for quoting as a "highlight". The story you had in mind was cool, it definitely could've been played better though. Quite a few times I got lost in a what? or why? type of situation. Im not gonna nitpick here, just try and word it up a little better, it distracts from the read. No read = auto no flow.

Mr. J
""The moment is gone, the feeling is lost, every last emotion is absent
frozen in time like..that's it...the story ended, but never the attraction
it continues to be a part of me, you can hear the stress in my accent
the anger that remains passive..I continue pushing away til' it pulls me back in
I can no longer fight it, it's in my gene's to continue acting out this pattern
I can't change what happened but I always catch myself trying to imagine it
it's not about what mattered then, but now...and that's what the challenge is
correction of past motives that remain captured in the mind with how to handle it
through each reenactment it makes me feel weaker....mad & sick...
I had enough of trying to be the one that separated onto a different path to live
yet I'm here...explaining to you that there's more to me & what I have to give""
This read was good a fuck, from beginning to end. I came on here to vote on a couple pieces before I head to work for the night, I browsed through a couple battles, no pieces really stood out until I got to this. I read the first ten lines, copied them, opened up a reply to quote them before I even finished the piece. And yes, I did read Vulgars first. This shit was on point, verse of the week IMO.

VOTE - Mr. J

[Certain]

Vulgar: On my third read, I put on "Warszawa," an instrumental classic by David Bowie, and rapped it aloud to that. That actually really worked. I've written a lot of these types of verses in the past but, to be honest, always viewed them as a little bit of a copout. You get the chance to quickly develop three unique characters, and because you're a great writer, that development comes easy. Then you tie them together and make a point so that it all seems like three stories but in fact is none. But it works because it's such a great way to showcase character sketches. That's why I liked writing them and why I like reading them. I particularly thought the second stanza was strong. I do with you had drawn more pertinent parallels or non-parallels to further unify the three sketches. Also, this is more stripped down than your normal writing, and when I got to the epilogue segment I was hoping you'd flip gears and hit us with a complex, pointed diatribe about this version of a cold world. But I can't hold my expectations for your writing style against you, and what you wrote worked. The rhymes were occasionally clumsy and a bit too infrequent. In a lot of ways, this verse felt like a reaction to last week's loss, a sort of total about-face as a reaction voters who didn't really grasp your very good verse then. If so, I understand the temptation but don't think you have to move this far in the other direction.

Mr. J: I liked this concept quite a bit. But I think just as with last week, you forced yourself to be overly vague thanks to the reveal-style ending. This verse was a bit more tightly structured than last week's, with less rambling. But there still wasn't enough foreshadowing. And while I didn't guess what it would be, this verse clearly hinged on a twist the entire time I read it the first time, which is a sign that the twist is too important to the verse. It's sort of a problem with the style itself, though you definitely executed it best against me. A more head-on approach to the same verse about the Native American plight would have appealed to me much more, and even with this approach, you could have addressed specific issues more with indirect phrasing or double-entendres. Your lines this week are longer than I've ever seen from you, and that sort of cut into the smoothness that I expect. It's a big step up from last week, but ultimately I didn't get the same sort of attachment to your verse as I had to Vulgar's.

Vote: Vulgar

[zygote]

Enjoyed Vulgar's submission more, the three characters were distinct and well developed. The epilogue part was good to bring it together. Mr. J used more symbolic language like the parts about "frozen in time" etc but it still lacked some elements. Voting for Vulgar.

[NYCSPITZ]

sick battle. enjoyed both, was feeling vulgar's more though although far from his best. J your writer's voice is developing very nicely, keep the pen to the pad because you are a true fucking champion of the everlast pad, and bic pen. Vulgar on some storytelling shit lately, dig. Like ZYGOTE said I just felt something was missing form J's good work u 2

V/ vulgar

[PancakeBrah]

Vulgar this was a good entry. It was a bit different than your normal style, not as verbose and complex but still expertly written. A couple of your metaphors/similes were a bit corny to me. Flow was good throughout and your knack for rhyming showed through here and there. The content reminded me of something I'd write, albeit the styles differ greatly. I enjoyed it. Mr. J I liked your concept and ending section heaps. Your technique was a bit off for me, though. The rhymes weren't your usual strength and it got to be a bit repetitive until you brought it home. Good battle but I Vulgar had the better execution. v/Vulgar

[symetrik]

vulgar:

favourite lines:
He'd pop a molly with thieves, when cops had knocked him for trees
The way his mother bellowed at him would've put Pavarotti at ease

And when the chips were down, and morale had caved in enough
Godlessness was purveyor, instructor, town mayor & judge

Mr. J:

maybe it's just because I'm super exhausted, but I cannot focus enough to finish yours. I think it's largely due to the overabundance of "I" and "me".
dunno.

vote: Vulgar

[e11even]

Vulgar- Well, Shit! This was an unorthodox, and intriguing read. Very off-the-beaten-path type of execution imo, and very well placed language, whereas nothing sounded tired or overused. Great underlying story, even though I believe the epilogue could have been worked in a little less obviously. That part kinda urked me. Besides that, awesome piece.

Mr. J- This was an inexplicable explosion of emotion I've never seen from you. This was very well written and much more fleshed out story-wise than what I thought you'd be decidedly capable of. I thought this echoed the topic spot-on and deserves a bigger backstory if it ever become an OM piece.


Overall both were great, but I was feeling Mr. J's more. MVGT Mr.J. Great job guys.

[Frank]

Vulgar vs. Mr J


vulgar
Roman was a wiry chap, noncompliant, nonchalant as can be
His in & out of school antics weren't what his papa wanted to see
He'd pop a molly with thieves, when cops had knocked him for trees
The way his mother bellowed at him would've put Pavarotti at ease

Roman is an Italian name / metaphor / character -- and Pavarotti is perhaps their most famous opera singer. It end you say they were Polish though. Little off right there.


A sprouting adolescent, doing foolish things as only a young man can
but yet his heart was in the right place - like successful Frankenstein transplants
Pointy nose, raspy voice, he answered "yes" at the knock at the door
Then gunshots conjured a force that made his mom and pops drop to the floor

II.

Max was not only meticulous with his hands, he was a heartbreaker

When you say "not only meticulous with his hands" you do so without a premise. "Not only" comes after a sequence of previous events involving the hands. Unless you were trying to conjure story line out of the air.

Girls tried to turn back time - but his father was a watchmaker
born with malice engraved, he always loved the scent of trouble
What he lacked on common decency, he made up for with extensive hustle
^good sense of morals here. Created a personal touch.

he'd ascend a couple of staircases, handing out biodegradable drugs
^dope
No patience, no trust, confrontations were rough -
And when the chips were down, and morale had caved in enough
Godlessness was purveyor, instructor, town mayor & judge
He had no time to get involved with a selfish broad
His uncle Stanislaw used to say "plus the Nazi's don't exactly help the cause..."

III.

Henryk was no artillery man, he'd had thin, embalmed, gentle hands
^why do you keep comparing and contrasting their hands? I'm not following.
A bookworm all his life, loyal member of the synagogue temple band
^jewish reference here, but I thought they were polish? lol

Now he's loading in the clips - ones that were preferably light
Earnestly striped, the university type, doing duty to quell Germany's strike
^united nations?

Was it futile? Would the resistance come crashing down to bits?
He was devastated... his wife & kids perished when his house got hit
Those rogue bunker busters; I guess it's likely true, that life is cruel
The cold world in which we live is one giant, icy pool
^dope line, visual, not exactly a summarization of the events leading up to the line, but it was a cool, sporadic, doomy gloomy line
IV. Epilogue

These three ordinary city men had two things in common:
One, they were Polish citizens and kept the passion alive
Two, when the war came calling, they got drafted & died
^good stern no none sense story telling here except the holes in the story really collapse any factuality.

I've concluded that the world's a dead dimension, the blacklisted kind
turned my back on the shrine, living during these blasphemous times
Having faith is like being ravaged and blind, ignoring labyrinth signs
in a realm where frosty particles flounder about & pathogens glide
Three Polish gentlemen - one everlasting demise
A grim reality for spirits destined to pass through the Rhine
^
I like this segment, even if it's really 3 European gentleman ; an italian, a jew, and a pollac. no linear, sole, unmistakable element all 3 shared. simply solid characterization, little sketchy cause you did not bring them all together, instead chose to discard them. I wasn't feeling that. good bunker soviet union feel to this verse though. Even though you were describing a russian the whole time and kept given them other nationalities


Mr. J
The moment is gone, the feeling is lost, every last emotion is absent
frozen in time like..that's it...the story ended, but never the attraction
it continues to be a part of me, you can hear the stress in my accent
the anger that remains passive..I continue pushing away til' it pulls me back in
I can no longer fight it, it's in my gene's to continue acting out this pattern
I can't change what happened but I always catch myself trying to imagine it
it's not about what mattered then, but now...and that's what the challenge is
correction of past motives that remain captured in the mind with how to handle it
through each reenactment it makes me feel weaker....mad & sick...
I had enough of trying to be the one that separated onto a different path to live
yet I'm here...explaining to you that there's more to me & what I have to give
I let myself free from what was left for me, because it all lacked depth to me
it made me feel empty...to the point that there was nothing else left to see
a fading memory that made me feel like rehabilitation was just another step to me
a mile long discrepancy, with my own foreshadow standing right next to me
taking the last of my energy, making me realize that this is all rudimentary
there's a lack of sense in me...a disappearance of thought
and the more I think about it I no longer feel coherent at all
but I'm here & I'm on another path that's leaving me fearing the fall
knowing when you disappear or your gone, finished hearing it all
you'll only see me exhibit what I knew, and I was clearly at fault
but you show no difference in your motive, or appearance of thought
your emotionless & I feel like you were never seriously awed...
approving in what I've become, I'm fine though, I'm finally hearing the call
the disappearance is fine, it left me nearly distraught
since I've been standing in this museum....I know you'll never hear me at all
Its truly a cold world because all I have left are these mannequins
A path they left for me to walk on and learn how to truly be a man again
a native american exhibit used as an exposé to shed light on our differences...our establishment...
disbanding further fury by setting flame to this place would only further my abandonment...
for what I thought would heal the wounds left over the centuries
but even then....this world would be quick to brush off the memory
and all it ever meant to me

Cold flow


MVGT - Mr J

[patrown]

vulgar - powerful stuff. you really hit the topic well here. i also thought you developed each character very effectively for how short each stanza was. impressive piece.

mr. j - your approach is admirable. really focused into the characters mind. also some good mechanics. in the end i wanted a little more understanding, but i was satisifed and can say this was a good read.

/v vulgar - i feel he hit the topic more efficiently, and i also enjoyed his verse a bit more.