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View Full Version : Week 8 - Vividlyvague (5-2) vs. Adonis (3-3) - VividlyVague wins 5-4


Mike Wrecka
11-11-2013, 07:34 AM
http://i.imgur.com/ZDKwyvm.jpg
Season 2




Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic


Investigative Reports





Good Luck Vividlyvague Adonis

e11even
11-11-2013, 08:26 AM
Check these.

VOTES GO HERE
http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=31666
http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=31662&page=2
http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?p=210603&posted=1#post210603

Adonis
11-11-2013, 08:50 AM
I shall call you ViVy

My links will go here plz

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=31667

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=31669

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=31666

Adonis
11-15-2013, 10:58 PM
A battered young being sporting tattered clothing.
Weary and worn, a soul covered in smelly old things,
A broke and down bum completely smothered in slum,
From his Grey beard drizzled in rum...
To a shit perfume scent soaking his tongue.
The town drunk ever quenching his parch,
Plastic filled with distilled liquid sipping it hard,
Chasing it, this elusive dream of being free of the pack,
Those lab rats, quenching there thirst punching clocks for a debt,
His sadness bereft, Living life a single swig at a time,
Trying to find happiness through emptiness of the mind.

I digress...

Life is merely a series of choices,
Most good, others leave you hearing some voices,
And of course, there's nothing wrong with that,
Up until you begin to bark back.
But remember he's happy with the path that he chose,
Not a worry in the world, his soul..Comatose...


Maybe he loves being insulted by judgmental approaches,
Maybe he loves being consulted by the rats and Cockroaches,
Maybe he loves being harassed by the pigs dressed in black,
Maybe he loves being called trash by people for laughs.

No, shit just don't make sense,
Who could love not working and barely make rent?
Who could love driving a check with gas as an expense?
Who could love paying a governments debt?
Who, not you? Lets press the seams with Irony's steps.

You throw out cold coffee and sell your warm bodies,
Slaving away to cover up in clothes that are costly,
While I sit and sip, shivering...Yet happy as ever,
My life is fine...But somehow, you think yours is better..

So I'll just leave it at this Patriots.


Your government extorts Joe's.
But I'm off the grid...Report Closed

e11even
11-16-2013, 02:01 AM
What wretched ratchetness this block holds
From the festered parentless to the pot hoes.
Enter stage right... a naive youth of whom the lot'd know,
Age ripe, but his noggin's old.
Smarts enDOWed, had that stock controlled.
Hood rats drooled for his mopping glow.
Prodigious nature labeled him 'who not to know.'
No Pops at home, a void his mom condoned,
For their better good... no use for Coppertone.
But the heat was exchanged for a lost mom tryna swap-up roles...
Almost tossed up hope,
As this is where the plot explodes...

Mom's male callers in and out the abode,
He's bare, backyard fucking the hood's scandelous hoes.
Sister's abortion, result of gang banger devotion.
Brother, youngest and toting, developed manic emotions.
The epitome of dysfunction, his intimate life.
Sentiments hinted he was a pacifist shrimp when in fights.
Friends with crackheads and the dealers alike, labelled as nice
Til block serpents offered him the trade of his life:

"You either catch these bullets or these dimes..." he was like,
"Just gimme the bags, yo. I'll do it." Signalled his transition from strife.
Money came faster than he doled it, living the dream! It was tight.
Bitches and money, just like the songs, yet something's missing inside.
Doing his own supply was alright, coping, ending his nights,
Til the baggage turned to a kid, gangs, and triggers with slides...
Shooting at posers that dared made him warm and fuzzy inside.
All of a sudden, beef and war reciprocated honor and pride...

Awakened inside, that trade was a start to the latent divide,
Brother in his stead, instead of HIS morals taking a dive.
Opting out of bullets and bagged dope, he bagged clothes. Became a GI.
Set on a course uncharted when he departed, forever changing his life.
Back to the block of wretched ratchetness, brother and sis at wayside,
Naked kids, baby mothers, and welfare kicks are the highs.
He's on the outside peering in, a fear within is realized.
Knowing he can no longer shield them from the curbs and street sides.
So that's where I come in, the serpent lurking, waiting to strike.
They had their pass growing up, but their generation failed to make an incline!
I was employed to deploy justice, and make them face the fate of their trials.
Child Protective Services Case- "Viv-345", is in effect to be filed.

You were warned.

Mike Wrecka
11-16-2013, 07:23 AM
ok good battle here. enjoyed both verses.


Adonis - you had really good rhyming going on. especially in the beginning part. the cadence and multis were dope.


A broke and down bum completely smothered in slum,
From his Grey beard drizzled in rum...
To a shit perfume scent soaking his tongue.
The town drunk ever quenching his parch,
Plastic filled with distilled liquid sipping it hard,
Chasing it, this elusive dream of being free of the pack,
Those lab rats, quenching there thirst punching clocks for a debt,
His sadness bereft, Living life a single swig at a time,
Trying to find happiness through emptiness of the mind.


I really like the way this sounds. right up my alley. and you set the tone for the piece and created a vibe as well. good work.

but as it continued it didn't necessarily seem to go anywhere. it was an overview of societies underbelly and then switched to a first person rant from a homeless person that is mad at the world for his condition. that threw me off. the whole verse was a narrator and then it went first person. so I guess the narrator was the homeless guy. ok that's different's not a bad thing per se, but it wasn't pulled off that smoothly imo. overall very good verse. I really liked it especially the beginning.



Vividlyvague - you had the opposite arch of dopeness. the beginning was kind of bland, the rhyming was pretty basic but it got better and better as the piece progressed. its funny because your verse was long but it still felt like a lot of stuff was left out. ive heard you say in the past that you have trouble making your verses 64 lines and I could see that now. each section seemed like it needed a little more detail. but the story was a good one. a youth that is forced to take care of his brothers and sisters because his mom is a piece of garbage. this happens a lot in real life. but he eventually has had enough of the hood life and joins the army. this leads to the report being filed by child protective service because the kids are really being neglected now that their brother has gone. good stuff


overall- Adonis had the better rhyming and structure, vivid had the better story. im going to go with the person that I think hit the topic better and that's vivid. good battle guys. thanks for the reads.


Vote - Vividlyvague

Certain
11-16-2013, 10:19 PM
Adonis: This is one of my favorite verses from you. You've ironed out a lot of your (admittedly minor even then) wording issues and in turn provided a few nice turns of phrase. The best were "smothered in slum" and the "cold coffee"/"warm bodies" contrast. I liked the first repetition/variation section much more than the second and in general thought that stanza was the weakest. It's tough to pull of two in-your-face uses of that device in one verse, but you made it even more obvious by stacking them. Also, I'm not sure why the perspective switched from third to first person. Your rhymes still were on the simple side, but that's better than forcing them, and the verse mostly carried a decent cadence. I do wonder if you had been holding onto this concept of a bum who's life is better than it seems and then shoehorned it into this particular topic. The small handful of lines about the government felt more forced than the rest, and I wished the verse had ended with "better" but understood that you wanted to tie it back into the topic. So I liked the verse more than I liked it as a topical battle entry for "Investigative Reports." But the effort to tie in the topic is noted. It's just that the first three stanzas were stronger, in part because they were more focused on your story than your topic.

Vividlyvague: Your writing is a bit fractured. You're full of images but not willing to connect them in any overt manner. That makes telling an end-to-end story a little more difficult for you, and it took me a few reads to fully grasp what was going on. The biggest stumbling block was "Brother, youngest and toting, developed manic emotions." That actually made me completely read this story wrong the first time, assuming the youngest brother was the central character because you hadn't established that this was a family of four and because "toting" can mean a lot of things but has a pretty specific connotation in verses about the lives of poor kids dealing drugs. When I put together the intended story arc (of an oldest son forced to take care of his two sibblings), things came together a lot better. But there still was a lot of clutter to fight through, and we were missing some information as to how exactly the ending happened. How did the drug-dealer brother get custody? Or had he simply been keeping his siblings in order enough to keep them out of the system's eye? Was there one specific event that led to him signing up for the army? How old are these kids? This story left out a lot of information that would have made it easier to process.

I was a bit disappointed that neither of you actually took on an investigative report. Both of you sort of shoehorned a great topic (arguably the best of the week) into the ending of your verse while three-quarters of your verse was telling a tangentially related story. That definitely makes this battle tougher to vote on. Adonis' verse had a terrific beginning and a few moments of great diction. Vividlyvague's verse stood out for its consistent and extended rhyming and its good but not original plot. I think the tie-in to the topic was more natural, too. This definitely is not an easy vote.

Vote: Adonis

breathless
11-17-2013, 06:59 PM
Hmmm, Adonis, I'll be straight with ya... I didn't like this much, it wasn't terrible, but just so blah, and honestly, I couldn't find much of a relation to investigativeness... It was more just descriptory, but your readable cadence has vastly improved, none of the jarring off kilter lines, but still, very basic throughout. Although, I did enjoy these lines quite a bit

Maybe he loves being insulted by judgmental approaches,
Maybe he loves being consulted by the rats and Cockroaches,
Maybe he loves being harassed by the pigs dressed in black,
Maybe he loves being called trash by people for laughs


Vag... This was very not vague, but it was quite vivid... This to me hit the investigatory topic much better, gave the why and how and who and what and all that. A very complete and enjoyable story with some clever wordplay at that (enDOWed) and some odd descriptors I found pleasing... Pacifist shrimp, gang banger devotion.... Shit like that keeps my attention when it starts to wane, overall though this was captivating so they were just additional bonuses

Vote - Vag

Mr. J
11-17-2013, 07:09 PM
This was an interesting battle a little different then expexted but still cool
I feel like Adonis' verse went in the right direction for awhile
buuuut then with the repetitive use it kind of dulled itself down
I felt like it became a free write after that and didn't seem interesting anymore
Vivid you still show progress and the unlengthier side of you is nice
I know that's nit a word so shoot me...otherwise I enjoyed the energy you brought
it seemed a little vague at points...lol...but nothing damaging from taking the W
in my interpreting it felt like you brought a stronger verse.


v/Vivid

symetrik
11-18-2013, 01:11 AM
adonis:

favourite lines:
A broke and down bum completely smothered in slum,
From his Grey beard drizzled in rum...
To a shit perfume scent soaking his tongue.
liked this because it could be read "broke 'n down".

Maybe he loves being insulted by judgmental approaches,
Maybe he loves being consulted by the rats and Cockroaches,
Maybe he loves being harassed by the pigs dressed in black,
Maybe he loves being called trash by people for laughs.


Mr. J:

favourite lines:
Doing his own supply was alright, coping, ending his nights,
Til the baggage turned to a kid, gangs, and triggers with slides...

vote: adonis

King Ra.
11-18-2013, 01:23 AM
I thought this match up would be up there but it seems like both of you took a safe route. Adonis, your story was very simple and to the point but packed with some very nice descriptions and it was written pretty well. I liked the beginning the most and the smoothness all the way to the end of everything coming together. While the approach wasn't fairly anything too creative I thought you did a good job sealing the meaning at the end while tying the it to the topic in a sort of weird way. This piece wasn't really packing content and you could have approached it in a way to give it more creativity because it's not something that catches your attention to read it again and again but good job either way.

Vivid, I feel you told a more complete story here from start to finish though the direction you took wasn't all that impressive. As I read I was looking to read that part that would sort of reel me in and bring an understanding but I didn't catch that. You did pretty good writing wise, it flowed well for the most part and you had some solid details that helped guide the story along. Usually your strong suits week to week. You certainly had more content than your opponent. My main knock is that your piece overall, the story you told just seemed bland. Not one of your better works to be honest, because you usually do a great job storytelling, but this one here seemed to miss, especially the end, which like Adonis, you tie in everything to the direction you went and the main topic. And it just didn't connect really with me. Would have been better imo if you went another route.


I expected a much better match up from two of the more solid writers in this league but this was far from it to be honest. Adonis told a simple story but I liked how easy it read from beginning to end and how well the writing aligned with it overall. Vivid told a more complete story filled with much content and also had a nice flow to it. I am going to have to roll the dice towards Adonis on this, because I feel his icing on the cake was more complete than Vivid's. The endings is what decided it for me because both did well with everything else, but Adon tied his story much better imo at the end than Vivid did.


[B[MVGT: Adonis.[/B] Good job by both competitors.

Frank
11-18-2013, 02:23 AM
adonis

A battered young being sporting tattered clothing.
Weary and worn, a soul covered in smelly old things,
A broke and down bum completely smothered in slum,
^smothered in slum. dope.
From his Grey beard drizzled in rum...
To a shit perfume scent soaking his tongue.
The town drunk ever quenching his parch,
Plastic filled with distilled liquid sipping it hard,
Chasing it, this elusive dream of being free of the pack,
Those lab rats, quenching there thirst punching clocks for a debt,
His sadness bereft, Living life a single swig at a time,
Trying to find happiness through emptiness of the mind.
^kinda reminded me of Willy, remember?


I digress...

Life is merely a series of choices,
Most good, others leave you hearing some voices,
And of course, there's nothing wrong with that,
Up until you begin to bark back.
But remember he's happy with the path that he chose,
Not a worry in the world, his soul..Comatose...

Maybe he loves being insulted by judgmental approaches,
Maybe he loves being consulted by the rats and Cockroaches,
Maybe he loves being harassed by the pigs dressed in black,
Maybe he loves being called trash by people for laughs.

No, shit just don't make sense,
Who could love not working and barely make rent?
Who could love driving a check with gas as an expense?
Who could love paying a governments debt?
Who, not you? Lets press the seams with Irony's steps.
^reminded me where I was like god said, and man said.

You throw out cold coffee and sell your warm bodies,
Slaving away to cover up in clothes that are costly,
While I sit and sip, shivering...Yet happy as ever,
My life is fine...But somehow, you think yours is better..

So I'll just leave it at this Patriots.

^fuck the pats

Your government extorts Joe's.
But I'm off the grid...Report Closed

^you haven't been using any heart wordplay, I fear your heart just isn't it this season


vividlyvague
What wretched ratchetness this block holds
From the festered parentless to the pot hoes.
Enter stage right... a naive youth of whom the lot'd know,
Age ripe, but his noggin's old.
Smarts enDOWed, had that stock controlled.
Hood rats drooled for his mopping glow.
Prodigious nature labeled him 'who not to know.'
No Pops at home, a void his mom condoned,
^good flow

For their better good... no use for Coppertone.
But the heat was exchanged for a lost mom tryna swap-up roles...
Almost tossed up hope,
As this is where the plot explodes...

Mom's male callers in and out the abode,
He's bare, backyard fucking the hood's scandelous hoes.
Sister's abortion, result of gang banger devotion.
Brother, youngest and toting, developed manic emotions.
The epitome of dysfunction, his intimate life.
Sentiments hinted he was a pacifist shrimp when in fights.
^pacifist shrimp was a strange description. almost set back the whole verse for me.
Friends with crackheads and the dealers alike, labelled as nice
Til block serpents offered him the trade of his life:

"You either catch these bullets or these dimes..." he was like,
"Just gimme the bags, yo. I'll do it." Signalled his transition from strife.
Money came faster than he doled it, living the dream! It was tight.
Bitches and money, just like the songs, yet something's missing inside.
Doing his own supply was alright, coping, ending his nights,
Til the baggage turned to a kid, gangs, and triggers with slides...
Shooting at posers that dared made him warm and fuzzy inside.
All of a sudden, beef and war reciprocated honor and pride...
^suspenseful writing here

Awakened inside, that trade was a start to the latent divide,
Brother in his stead, instead of HIS morals taking a dive.
Opting out of bullets and bagged dope, he bagged clothes. Became a GI.
Set on a course uncharted when he departed, forever changing his life.
Back to the block of wretched ratchetness, brother and sis at wayside,
Naked kids, baby mothers, and welfare kicks are the highs.
He's on the outside peering in,
^nice
a fear within is realized.
Knowing he can no longer shield them from the curbs and street sides.
So that's where I come in, the serpent lurking, waiting to strike.
They had their pass growing up, but their generation failed to make an incline!
I was employed to deploy justice, and make them face the fate of their trials.
Child Protective Services Case- "Viv-345", is in effect to be filed.
^
"effect to be filed" was super weak in terms of schemes in conjunction with "fate of their trials" and I believe this is why you haven't gained many votes, even with the better verse. Ending is crucial.
You were warned.

Vote - VividlyVague

patrown
11-18-2013, 02:38 AM
/v adonis - i enjoyed the observation the shivering bum is often happier then the working stiff. good layout and approach. topic hit home. enjoyed this in it's entirety.
vividlyvague- great storytelling. eased into the plot well. i can't really tell you how to write, but i didn't pull much emotion from this, and i'm not sure how i feel about the ending.. it's still a good piece though.

Certain
11-18-2013, 03:09 AM
Diode, Just Write, Vulgar, NYCSPITZ, PancakeBrah or @anyone else, we really could use a vote on this to decide this (actually rather important) match.

And yes, the next vote wins it. That even goes if two people vote within seconds of each other.

Objective
11-18-2013, 05:18 AM
Adonis: The first paragraph was decent. Nothing over the top great, but a great enough introduction to what your piece is all about. The flow could have been polished a bit more and I'm not really a fan of cutting the rhymescheme off at an odd number (6th line doesn't rhyme with the 5th). Content-wise it was dope though and truly exposed the character to the readers in a easy to understand yet powerful fashion, I enjoyed the choice of words and how it progressed to the last line as well.

You introduce the readers to the second stanza with ''I digress...'' which is dope, but it would have been cooler if it had a connection somehow to the previous paragraph and the next one in terms of the rhymescheme to really make it stand out. I got to apologize if I'm nitpicking a lot now, but lately I've been trying to tune up my own rhymeschemes a lot so reading over yours I see a lot of potential for things that can be improved a lot and push you to next level writing, I guess it works with ''happiness'' & ''emptiness'' and then ''I digress'' but you didn't follow through with it on the first half of the first line in the next paragraph as an internal or connecting the lines better for a better feel of the verse as a whole. Again; I apologize for being picky as I know my own work needs polishing as well in terms of the exact same things I'm pointing out in your work.
Either way the second paragraph was smoother to me and again the content was cool enough. Nothing jawbreaking but definitely allright.

The third paragraph introduces the readers to a reptitive style of writing which is dope when done right, and I think you accomplished that here. You also shows us more about his personality and what he may struggle with which is a dope asset to the verse as a whole.

Fourth paragraph continues the reptitive writing and I think it's refreshing to read it the way you've done it here. It's definitely a nice touch. Fifth paragraph is a slap in the face to anyone who judges a bum.

The last 3 sentences, the closure if you will, wrapped up the piece well. I enjoyed the read and I was left with an impression that you're an awesome person that doesn't see everything as black & white. Definitely stayed on topic all the way from start to finnish. First paragraph could have been slightly better imo but overall this was enjoyable to me, well done.

Vividly League: The first paragraph to me was dope as fuck. Refreshing to see some hood-ish shit that doesn't come off as gangsta, it just is what it is.. If you know what I'm saying? The rhymescheme was on point all the way through as well. Some of the things you said was relatable as well which is always a nice way to connect to your readers (in this case; me). In other words; The first part of your piece was cool.

Don't got much to add on the second paragraph other than it was a nice transition from the first one as ''explodes'' works well with ''abode'' and that the rhyming was on point. Content-wise it keeps the story going and tells us more about what's going on in the ''mad kid's'' life.

The third paragraph definitely had a ''Dance with the Devil'' by Immortal Technique sort of vibe to it. Beside of that what I said about the second paragraph can be added here as well. Nice touch.

The last paragraph was dope along with the rather decent enough one-liner to close it up.

Definitely enjoyed the read, and of what I remember to have read from you from before you have improved quite a bit in my opinion. The story was easy to follow and well thought out with a nice touch with the ''Viv-345'' towards the end, the rhymescheme was allright from start to finnish and it flowed well for the most part. Some extremely minor hiccups here and there, but nothing noteworthy to be honest. The transitions were nice and it kept my attention all the way through. Very well done.

Vote: VividlyLeague. I felt he had better structure all the way through. Adonis did a great job as well and the vote could have edged in his favor had the rhyme-structure been tighter as I kinda favored his story. But Vivids storyline and plot was strong as well along with a pretty dope rhymescheme, so he ends up snatching my vote.

Dope battle & well done to both! Keep it up. Certain; voted! (Also, I want back in for week 8 if possible! Can't see the sign in thread.)