Week 8 - Just Write (3-1) vs. Diode (2-0) - DIODE WINS 5-3

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/ZDKwyvm.jpg
Season 2




Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic


Bells of War



Good Luck Just Write Diode

[Diode]

Hello. One of my favorite tracks.

[Just Write]

G'luck

[Just Write]

All these thoughts of war has got me reminiscing about a different life
Sitting around on those frigid nights with a pen and a pad, and a flicker of light
At times, i can admit that I cried, in fact I poured my soul into paper
If war wasn't enough I was stressed about my daughter, hoping to find a doctor to save her
I Sent my wife a homemade valentines card one year...
... lol, with a big xoxo & note saying sorry its shitty,
But baby look up, right now I can see the same stars you can see in our city
I know this was a lie, but it helped to cushion my loneliness
And in a way I think it also helped her with holding in & cloaking her coldness
We kept in contact as much as we possibly could... for awhile at least,
but by the end of the year my letters must'a gathered in a pile for weeks
I learned love could be a beautiful cure but also be a violent disease
And I guess this bitch showed me how to unleash the natural violence in me
I turned into someone I wasn't designed to be, but also into a model soldier
No emotions to bottle, just give a command n' watch me go commander cobra
In my barracks only me and eric were looked at with the highest respect
I remember when he died he grabbed me and said "we're fighters! have no regrets"
I showed him respect by earnin fifteen tags that day, all single shots.
You shoulda seen how each of em dropped, painless.. I hit em in the cleanest spots



"Never give a headstart, head or the heart".. that was our motto
Given by this crazy ass kid named carlos, or as he liked to say "el desperado"
Ha, we all just called him desperate pablo, you should have seen him try to spit to locals
Only kid I've seen walk up to a bitch and forget his vocals, I mean literally choke though.
He would always tell Ben to go pick up the women and try to intoduce him
Until Ben went and set him up with some tranny who was out there prostitutin'
I can only Imagine the awkward confusion he had when he fucked this dude
I mean he was quiet for months and even refused to go out with the group
Man I prolly would have been THAT, and violent too, fuck the bullshit
I ain't a homophobe but try that shit with me and you'd get a full clip.
There were all kinds of cool kids in my platoon, Jim, Jerry, and David too
Its a shame how many guys we burried by june, & no channel even carried the news
It's crazy how I felt more close to my brothers in arms than my actual family
And amazing how I made it through all those so called "casual" tragedies
when the bells of war sound, whether in the personal or literal sense
It comes down to how you handle yourself, and thats the most critical step
I've battled hundreds of men, but my biggest threat was my ex-wife & her fleet of lawyer's
But ill never repent, I'll continue to push full steam so my daughter can reap the spoils

[Diode]

*gong*


the last siren of the evening breaks the the silence, so deceiving
lay down your guns, the day is done, stop believing in the bleeding
observe the world around you, breathe it in, sulfuric mixture
ripping through your cavities and out your pores, it slowly hits you
realities of war juxtapose your bitter foes against nature's pretty prose
drinking in the acrid liquid so vivid that it seeps into your toes
remove your boots, your ghillie suits, and your instruments of harm
this round is won for all the native sons from the city to the farm

*gong*

stick and move, stick and move, duck, get a better view
battering fists turn and twist and they're headed right at you
draw the air in deeper, steeper, explode, then rush with fever
the card is in your hands despite your status as a sleeper
stay aggressive, unrepentive, just relentless, punch effective
sweetly scientific in your nature while you're slyly so selective
towel up, ice it down, drink it slow, stretch it out
the gameplan remains that same hand that won you that last round

*gong*

fourth and goal's the longest yard, hardest fought, all too far
the PA plays the sound and it echoes, on your guard
eleven men beguile them, approach the trench before the line
stadium benches filled with fans scream nigh into the night
blitzed into the backfield, slipped, contained him,
whiff.. running back remaining concealed
pile on before the pylon to keep the unit from their yield

*gong*

midnight strikes as quick as lightning, or so i once was told
leaving fire in its wake, two tracks, the story goes
a different kind of battle, from the saddle into space
mix one part mr. fusion, two parts mcfly, and a doctor who's displaced
we've fought in three dimensions, but the fourth is somewhere else
become unstuck in time before it's too late to save yourself
the bells of war ripple quick, simple trips, shattering the line
eight-eight miles per hour to new dimensions, this fight is somewhere..

outta time.

[Adonis]

Quick vote, I read them so ima vote.

JW - seemed not your self. I usually love the flow, but these lines were too long for my liking. You also had some shit that didn't work for me..."soldier/cobra. Lonliness/coldness" then some ennd rhymes did work, but the syllable count from previous line was just so different it would disrupt flow. I know you been gone a couple weeks and the rust showed. What I did like was the emotion and the detail in wording regarding shootings and child alike.

Traitor - solid verse, changed flow up greatly from the first stanza on. Long bars too which I don't like, but you used them smart. You packed them with poetic scenery or rhyme or just plain had a lot to chew on per line in general.

You both had flaws and high poiints. But I'm givinng this to diode because I do feel like you each had good meaning and execution, almost even in flow with diode winning that. The real reason is because diode had a poetic feel to it which I often prefer, and inn this case the story and emmotion of JW just didn't out weigh that.

V/Diode

[Mike Wrecka]

ok dope battle guys.


Just Write - welcome back. good verse. I usually assign these battles randomly from a list I have and just dole them out with no regard. I just realized that I gave you bells of war and you are a soldier. this could seem like an advantage for you but Ive read a few of these war pieces from you now so it actually turned out to be a disadvantage. I almost wish you would have went like a warrior from ancient times direction. like a Spartan or samarui. they were all soldiers so I bet you could have brought that angle to life better than any of us could.

Ok I digress onto the verse at hand. in the first stanza I thought it was going to be about you missing your wife while away on a tour of duty. I liked that idea but you abandoned it. I think that was a mistake. you then went into every day life of a soldier. giving some actual gun fights and then giving downtime between comrades. then at the end went back to the now ex wife angle. the middle didn't seem to match the beginning and end. even though it was a progression of you got there I kinda wish you stayed focused on that aspect solely. the rhyming was good and structure was good. I enjoyed reading it.

Diode - I liked how this was written. it was definitively a text verse. it wouldn't sound good on a beat. but that's not a bad thing. we aren't writing to beats. it should sound good when read aloud and this did. the concept was creative. the first part about the actual war was so so. the boxing part was dope. the football part was good. the back to the future part was just weird. but then I remembered the ending of that movie when lightning hit the bell tower.


this is a weird battle to vote on. two completely different verses. one was realistic while the other used a writing method that brought entertainment but came off a little unfocused at times. the rhyming was pretty much equal so im going to go off of entertainment value and was more into diodes verse. it pulled me in more. good battle.


vote - diode

[Vulgar]

Just Write - This verse was heavily narrational, based on your experiences as a soldier during war. It was honest, provocative, involving, and you didn't take yourself too seriously when it came to wrapping everything up at the end. Overall, cool.

Diode - Pretty sick, I was digging how you approached this. Smooth flow, no disruptions. Interesting build-up. The content always remained pertinent and you didn't go for any outlandish references like I tend to sometimes while in the line of fire (when my mind is getting bombarded by stuff to say or rhyme with during the writing process)

Vote - Diode

It was a less personal yet more streamlined attempt of the 'bells of war' mantra. I thought he did enough to win. BOTW so far.

[timeless]

J. Write - Ight, I liked it. The only thing I don't like is how it's written. Just when I thought the flow and concept were going strong, it all dropped off randomly on separate occasions. There were too many flaws, too many questions about the story. Is your daughter sick? Whatsup with the lawyers? You cant have an ending that has nothing to do with the story.

Diode - I dug how you chose to approach this topic. It may have all seem too scattered at times and may leave the reader unfocused, but overall it was a good read. If each stanza was twice the size, itd be a great read im sure. Too little detail on too many subjects threw me off. However it did flow well, never really lost track there. Rhyme scheme was a lot more effective than J. Write's verse, and it also had way more creative metaphors.

VOTE - Diode

[Certain]

Just Write: Welcome back. I liked this verse, but I'm not sure others will. It reminded me of something that a soldier might write to his brother back home to catch up on how life is. I liked the mix of anecdotes and general thoughts and images. I don't care how much of this lines up with your own experiences because the writing felt genuine. That's the important part. But it also wasn't nearly as focused as your best work. I think you could have framed it a little better, perhaps in that exact letter format. Or you could have driven the contrast more clearly between the ex-wife and the war zone, rather than writing about one, then the other. Your mechannics seemed a bit rusty, and you forced a handful of rhymes. You've been away for a few weeks and probably haven't written too much in that span, I'm guessing, so that was somewhat understandable. You don't have a lot of flair to your writing, but I think that direct approach works for you and is why you've become one of my favorite writers this season. Still, it definitely works better when you keep your thoughts linear. This was a bit like an open mic verse, though it fit the topic.

Diode: I'm torn on the idea of using different sections to discuss different things. There wasn't much coalescence. I know you were trying to put that together with the idea of a time limit on war, but it maybe would have been better to ditch the strange and somewhat out of place last stanza in favor of some sort of thought break on the matter. This almost had the feel of one of those textcee collaborations where everyone gets a theme and writes and no one remembers to make them all seem like one piece. As far as the writing, I thought the boxing stanza was clearly the best. The first stanza had me thinking this verse would be about paintball, which as an aside would have been a pretty cool way to approach this topic. The football stanza was a bit too in-your-face with its content and didn't feature the round concept that the first two stanzas had concluded with. Anyway, your writing was a bit choppy with a lot of rhymes that weren't particularly strong in their own right. Complex rhyme schemes work best with strong rhyming. But the effort to address one of the criticisms of your past verses is noted and appreciated. Your ideas here were creative. But you only need to write one verse, and I'm not sure this ever got there.

Vote: Just Write

[NYCSPITZ]

JW I loved the narration here to be real. The description was tight and tidbits like desperate pablo fucking the tranny and their motto head or heart were tight as fuck. Reminded me a bit of the book "the things they carried" which is an excellent vietnam book written in a similar style, have u read it?

Diode not sure what u were going for with the gong thing but I liked the second and fourth verses the best, the other two were cool though. You're a dope writer. Back tot he future is one of my favs, liked that u ended on that. To be real I wish you would have kept with just one of those schemes because each could have extended into an entire verse just by itself. The creative impulse was strong here but made the underlying theme inaccessible to me, what does the gong symbolize? Is the story about a dude getting reincarnated into different bodies or some shit? It was dope but I don't get it

I'm torn here, enjoyed JW's a bit more tho.

V/ JW

[King Ra.]

Just Write, welcome back sir, first off. Going right into your piece, it definitely shows some lay over. I feel you told the more complete story in this match up but you had some issues. The difference in tone sort of changed from your first stanza to your second as both read very differently narration wise, so it's a bit out of place and thats the first thing I noticed when I started the second section. And then the ending lines seems to more fit the first section as well or you could have done a better job rounding it off more with content to make it fit. Writing wise, I can see the rust. This wasn't one of your better pieces mechanically, but that didn't concern me as much as the narration of your piece. Interesting approach that could have been better.

Diode, your side of things is also interesting. Reading from the beginning I was drawn in. I sensed the tone you set and got a sense of the direction you wanted to take but as I read more and more it just became non-existent. In other words, after finishing your piece I couldn't really make out what the message was or the idea you were trying to convey. Aside from the "gong" thing which didn't really bother me at all and your descriptions/details pertaining to the topic. your story wasn't really complete for me. You clearly had the better hand mechanically than JW. Your story just seemed all over the place though I get the idea but you just didn't get it off clearly to me.


What makes this a close match up to call is the fact that both of you really missed more than hit. JW had a better story but it wasn't told so smoothly, while Diode put together some great descriptions but didn't execute too well story wise. I feel the direction Diode was going in was more creative and fresh , and I liked his details and this vote is awkward for me because both really missed out here, but I'm gonna give this to D based on what I mentioned, despite not really grasping the overall message of his piece, but I think it's enough here to beat an okay story that wasn't written well mechanically and really could have been much better.

MVGT: Diode. Good job by both competitors.

[Frank]

Battle Vote


Just Write
All these thoughts of war has got me reminiscing about a different life
Sitting around on those frigid nights with a pen and a pad, and a flicker of light
At times, i can admit that I cried, in fact I poured my soul into paper
^good start.
If war wasn't enough ......................
^ Another line continuing this line, a transition, into this next line was needed. Something like, If war wasn't enough... I wasn't doing the hospital no favors..
I was stressed about my daughter, hoping to find a doctor to save her
I Sent my wife a homemade valentines card one year...
... lol, with a big xoxo & note saying sorry its shitty,
^the "lol" in a text verse is hard to pull off. well done.
But baby look up, right now I can see the same stars you can see in our city
I know this was a lie, but it helped to cushion my loneliness
And in a way I think it also helped her with holding in & cloaking her coldness
^
cloaking her coldness was clunky. this segment could've been really dope if you just said "helped her with holding in & cloaking it. My opinion.

We kept in contact as much as we possibly could... for awhile at least,
but by the end of the year my letters must'a gathered in a pile for weeks
I learned love could be a beautiful cure but also be a violent disease
And I guess this bitch showed me how to unleash the natural violence in me
^0-60 in emotions right here. dope

I turned into someone I wasn't designed to be, but also into a model soldier
No emotions to bottle, just give a command n' watch me go commander cobra
^tough
In my barracks only me and eric were looked at with the highest respect
I remember when he died he grabbed me and said "we're fighters! have no regrets"
I showed him respect by earnin fifteen tags that day, all single shots.
You shoulda seen how each of em dropped, painless.. I hit em in the cleanest spots



"Never give a headstart, head or the heart".. that was our motto
Given by this crazy ass kid named carlos, or as he liked to say "el desperado"
Ha, we all just called him desperate pablo,
^good characterization
you should have seen him try to spit to locals
Only kid I've seen walk up to a bitch and forget his vocals, I mean literally choke though.
He would always tell Ben to go pick up the women and try to intoduce him
^introduced*
Until Ben went and set him up with some tranny who was out there prostitutin'
I can only Imagine the awkward confusion he had when he fucked this dude
I mean he was quiet for months and even refused to go out with the group
Man I prolly would have been THAT, and violent too, fuck the bullshit
I ain't a homophobe but try that shit with me and you'd get a full clip.
There were all kinds of cool kids in my platoon, Jim, Jerry, and David too
Its a shame how many guys we burried by june, & no channel even carried the news
^some real shit right here.
It's crazy how I felt more close to my brothers in arms than my actual family
And amazing how I made it through all those so called "casual" tragedies
when the bells of war sound, whether in the personal or literal sense
It comes down to how you handle yourself, and thats the most critical step
I've battled hundreds of men, but my biggest threat was my ex-wife & her fleet of lawyer's
^truth
But ill never repent, I'll continue to push full steam so my daughter can reap the spoils

salute. always a real look in the life of a true soldier where I read your shit. always reminds me of forrest gump writing to jenny from vietnam when I read your shit. keep writing from a real place.

diode
*gong*

the last siren of the evening breaks the the silence, so deceiving
lay down your guns, the day is done, stop believing in the bleeding
observe the world around you, breathe it in, sulfuric mixture
ripping through your cavities and out your pores, it slowly hits you
^mixture/hits you. doesn't work for my new york accent.i would appreciated a "ya" here for rhyme purposes.
realities of war juxtapose your bitter foes against nature's pretty prose
drinking in the acrid liquid so vivid that it seeps into your toes
remove your boots, your ghillie suits, and your instruments of harm
this round is won for all the native sons from the city to the farm
^strong line
*gong*

stick and move, stick and move, duck, get a better view
battering fists turn and twist and they're headed right at you
draw the air in deeper, steeper, explode, then rush with fever
the card is in your hands despite your status as a sleeper
stay aggressive, unrepentive, just relentless, punch effective
sweetly scientific in your nature while you're slyly so selective
towel up, ice it down, drink it slow, stretch it out
the gameplan remains that same hand that won you that last round
^reading like a px90 verse

*gong*

fourth and goal's the longest yard, hardest fought, all too far
the PA plays the sound and it echoes, on your guard
eleven men beguile them, approach the trench before the line
stadium benches filled with fans scream nigh into the night
blitzed into the backfield, slipped, contained him,
whiff.. running back remaining concealed
pile on before the pylon to keep the unit from their yield

^running back flow, in the way it slips tackles with bouncy cadence

*gong*

midnight strikes as quick as lightning, or so i once was told
leaving fire in its wake, two tracks, the story goes
a different kind of battle, from the saddle into space
^from the saddle into space, city to the farm etc. interesting parallels
mix one part mr. fusion, two parts mcfly, and a doctor who's displaced
we've fought in three dimensions, but the fourth is somewhere else
become unstuck in time before it's too late to save yourself
the bells of war ripple quick, simple trips, shattering the line
eight-eight miles per hour to new dimensions, this fight is somewhere..

outta time.
^ outta time- well timed. this verse had a unique flow, a giddy up to the step, it didn't break tackles but it definitely made a few miss.



mvgt just write