Phase 1 - Benchmark: Genocide

[namix]

Yo..
Your girl got a temperature problem, starts hot then drops away
She smokin from her neck down dog, but as soon as I climate change
Ima show you defiants lame, he can't even run a dead league
This nigga full of more broken links then his own forum at netcees
How you gone test me? I'm far from multiple choice -bitch
Maybe when puberty hits, your bars won't be as soft as your voice is
I harbinge the poisons, you defy manhood cause u gay and faggy
Prettiest queer to board, for the longest swore you were neighbors avy
Ain't never champed a thing sadly, ran a league like a joke in a sense
How you cracking the belt at ncs if you still don't fuckin hold any yet?
Grow some respect, cause your clearly the dumbest artist to rhyme
trying to outsmart me's a hairbrain scheme'd make your barber resign

[namix]

breakdown to come...

[namix]

Genocide

Approach:
- overall assessment, how I 'felt' after reading it
- line-by-line, how i felt as i was reading it
- detailed examples, 2 specific detailed breakdowns to demonstrate the opportunity
- takeaways, primary opportunities as I saw them

Overall:
Totally hear you on your self-assessment, some verbiage tweaks will help turn some of these concepts into something more hard hitting..

Breakdown
Yo..
Your girl got a temperature problem, starts hot then drops away
She smokin from her neck down dog, but as soon as I climate change
--=]>i liked where this was going - two things would have made this concept that much better though: (1) wordplay integrity and (2) punch context -- will break this one down in light of the overall assessment.

Ima show you defiants lame, he can't even run a dead league
This nigga full of more broken links then his own forum at netcees
--=]>figured broken links is relatively played out at this point, no? relevance to netcees was nice, REAL nice concept to build from actually --- but I would have taken a different spin on this to really make it hit hard.. I'll try to use this in more detail in an overall team assessment for examples to help everyone.

How you gone test me? I'm far from multiple choice -bitch
Maybe when puberty hits, your bars won't be as soft as your voice is
--=]> a ton of angles to take on the puberty front - but ending it at 'soft' isn't enough to really drop jaws... If it is a simple concept - I'd go VERY specific in the punch, meaning, instead of just "soft", something as specific as "making the a punch out of a brand-name of a razor which he clearly would know nothing about". or something very descriptive like building off of a lack of hair concept-
e.g.
"when i roll-up in a whole tank; it reveals the fact, the bitch scared
cuz he just rocks a tank top which reveals a lack of pit hair"

(point being that taking a unique angle on an often used concept can breathe life into it, and make it come off fresher than the more common/expected angles used).

I harbinge the poisons, you defy manhood cause u gay and faggy
Prettiest queer to board, for the longest swore you were neighbors avy
--=]> lol, "personifying an avy" further would have made it hit that much harder... building off this idea beyond "swore you were his avy" into specifics makes for a different and more unexpected spin -- like "neighbor's avy sued for copyright infringement".... kicking it that much further, in some direction, often helps it resonate even more.

Ain't never champed a thing sadly, ran a league like a joke in a sense
How you cracking the belt at ncs if you still don't fuckin hold any yet?
--=]> good concept to work with, but again, its taking the concept and building it one step further to bring it to life... see his knees buckle, went down a notch, pants dropping, never held a belt but get suspended off a building, etc... just moves it that much further

Grow some respect, cause your clearly the dumbest artist to rhyme
trying to outsmart me's a hairbrain scheme'd make your barber resign
--=]> similar to other feedback - i dont think hairbrain scheme is enough to make this one work as well as some of the other concepts though, its just not a common expression from my perspective, but i see you

Detailed Example

Your girl got a temperature problem, starts hot then drops away
She smokin from her neck down dog, but as soon as I climate change
This would be improved through (1) wordplay integrity. "as soon as I climate change"... This makes sense in terms of climate changing, but why does it change when you climb it? this cascades into (2) punch context - we need to bring into context why you cause climate change to bring this to life. "chicks get cold when I leave them"

grammatically - it might sound better if we say "we" for this one (since the world can climate change, and you can say as soon as 'we climb it change' -- works both ways a bit better).

"its how gang-bangers roll; we leavin chicks cold, once they get played
so ya girl wont be as smokin hot, now that we all had a climate changed"
(note, i appreciate the difficulty you must have had with wording this one, because the "tenses" are at ends --- and in general, the word "change" is tricky as a verb or part of a noun with climate change, or a passive word speaking to the state of something, like 'its been changed'... so i could see flaws in my own re-write, but i hopefully it makes sense.

i liked where this was going - two things would have made this concept that much better though: (1) wordplay integrity and (2) punch context -- will break this one down in light of the overall assessment.

Takeaways
1. Conceptual Expansion
great concepts to build off of, by taking some of your ideas and pushing them ONE step further, by being more descriptive in your examples, OR introducing another level of complexity in the setup/etc.... I think a lot of lines could go from pretty good to jaw-droppers.

2. Wordplay Integrity
the art of "working your wordplay into the punchline so it does not seem forced or contrived", i guess this is what some heads mean when they say "wordplay needs to work both ways"...


What are your thoughts? Is this helpful? Gimme feedback on my feedback so I can help the cause brotha.

[Geno]

Good shit namix. Thanks for taking the time to feed like this man.

Ill be honest, I never considered myself a battle emcee and decided recently that I should go into it to become more recognized other than just topicallly known.

What you said in here about taking the concept a little further.. I felt it the most when you broke down the neighbors avy line. Made sense to me that instead of just laying a flat idea out.. ttrry to bring a mless expected / predictable aspect to it for impact. I feel like its easy to come up with a concept.. its just laying it down in a dope way that I need work on. So pretty much your breakdowns as a whole helped. Gave me something to think about and add to my approach next time. Good shit. Preciate it