Phase 1 - Benchmark: Utmost

[namix]

Utmost

Ura Decrepid fuck, powder abuser vetted smuck; so keep clutchin ya fables
my white lie is sayin Niks good, Ur White Lie is cut on the table.. ready to stuff in ya nasal
I'll leave u limbless n sloppy, Take YOU as a Souvenir from my binge wit the shotty
& since I Hail from Parts Unknown, it also explains why the police are missin ya body
Neigh SHIT on you the instant ya provided a pic; now Im pipin ya chick til her hymen just splits
So dont make this a pissing contest...Cos whether its AOB or ya girl; they just say "UT, I. is a bitch"
young muscle turned father time into completely flab, since that coke habit was deletin fat
I'd say Age hasnt been kind to you Nik, but its more like Age hauled off and beat THAT ASS!!!
Nigga ya done
If u a soldier, thats quite the claim; set an ambush n suprise you wit blades
slice up ya frame..then send u to ur group home just to make sure this L derives in pain

[namix]

breakdown to come...

[Cashius]

Utmost

Ura Decrepid fuck, powder abuser vetted smuck; so keep clutchin ya fables
my white lie is sayin Niks good, Ur White Lie is cut on the table.. ready to stuff in ya nasal
----First of all...I'm digging the multi's. In my opinion, EVERYONE should be using multi's. at the very least at the end of lines, preferably with some internals. If anyone on the team doesn't know what I'm talking about let me know. They obviously have nothing to do w/ the actual punch but it shows you have some talent. As far as this bar..."white lie is cut on the table" is disconnected. Unless I'm missing some cocaine slang or something...I see what you were TRYING to do, but it was just too forced for my liking.



I'll leave u limbless n sloppy, Take YOU as a Souvenir from my binge wit the shotty
& since I Hail from Parts Unknown, it also explains why the police are missin ya body
-----I thought this was kind of clever. Again, I liked the multis. The punch didn't have a ton of impact because it was a general concept that could be used against anyone, but I thought it was still pretty cool.



Neigh SHIT on you the instant ya provided a pic; now Im pipin ya chick til her hymen just splits
So dont make this a pissing contest...Cos whether its AOB or ya girl; they just say "UT, I. is a bitch"
----This is over my head...I know what a UTI is, but I don't get the wordplay....If you explain it to me I will comment.



young muscle turned father time into completely flab, since that coke habit was deletin fat
I'd say Age hasnt been kind to you Nik, but its more like Age hauled off and beat THAT ASS!!!
-----This was ok, a bit simple. I think this would have had more impact if you went a little farther than just "beat that ass"....It's not that age hasn't been kind to you...more like it slit your wrists and pushed you down some stairs..or something more extreme. Either way it's going to be a simple concept, I just think it could be tweaked to hit harder.



Nigga ya done
If u a soldier, thats quite the claim; set an ambush n suprise you wit blades
slice up ya frame..then send u to ur group home just to make sure this L derives in pain
------I'm guessing L derives = elder arrives? If not, let me know. If it is, then I think that's forced. If you're going to use wordplay it needs to sound the same when you say it both ways. Elder arrives has an extra syllable that stands out. Even if the wordplay was smoother, there's not much of a punch there.





I DEFINITELY think you have potential. You just need a little polish. You've got a solid structure and some creative ideas. I think you need to focus on making your punches have a little bit more impact. Look at each of your concepts and think, will this hurt my opponents feelings? Because that's the whole point of this...make the other person feel stupid while being as creative as possible.

Let me know how I can help.

[Utmost]

Cashius

I'll explain some of my initial intentions

1st line i was using 'White lie' as little fib for the first part, but for the 2nd part I did make a coke reference, using 'lie'
as in lie down. it looks weird because usually its lying down. but in something like golf. your ball can have a 'bad lie'

all in all. white, lie on the table was a coke ref. n the multi went with it. I do see that it is written a bit awkwardly now though

2nd line. pretty much like you read, i thought it was clever when i wrote it. but Is their an efficient way that you have found to make general punches SEEM more personal.

3rd line UT, I...tbh honest just used Ill Nika's initial for the I. I was originally trying to glorify my own nameplay while dissing his. with a 'your girl punch'

4th line. I definitely agree with more extreme part. it would hit harder, it was a simple concept but alot of heads seem to JUST smack ppl with em.

its that harsh, abruptness i need help with

5th line was elder rives..rive as in split or rend, orig. i was tryin to tie the physical parts in my setup down to the wordplay

[namix]

Utmost

Approach:
- overall assessment, how I 'felt' after reading it
- line-by-line, how i felt as i was reading it
- detailed examples, 2 specific detailed breakdowns to demonstrate the opportunity
- takeaways, primary opportunities as I saw them

Overall:
--=]> liked your steeze overall - liked your to-the-point punches more than the complicated ones, which at times seemed a bit contrived. GREAT flow throughout, solid appreciation for multi's. The "out of left field" lines don't need work, you sound creative enough in the other lines that you should be able to drop them all together, and repurpose your creativity and those 'out of left field' lines so they appeal to a broader audience.


Breakdown
Ura Decrepid fuck, powder abuser vetted smuck; so keep clutchin ya fables
my white lie is sayin Niks good, Ur White Lie is cut on the table.. ready to stuff in ya nasal
--=]> incorporating the wordplay into the sentence so it reads both ways would make it that much more effective... that word "is" 'is' all that inhibits it, check how the simple tweak works better both ways: "ur white lie...on a table - cut and ready to stuff in ya nasal"

quick trick: you can use contractions to your advantage with wordplay - since you are saying "is" in both cases.

"my white lie's sayin Niks good, ur white lie's on the table, cut 'n ready to stuff in ya nasal
(also notice how i moved the word 'cut' to bring more relevance to "lie" in terms of lying down, while still keeping it in the line to reinforce the wordplay - noting that it breaks up the 5-syllabic rhyme, it still flows smooth)

does that make sense bro?

I'll leave u limbless n sloppy, Take YOU as a Souvenir from my binge wit the shotty
& since I Hail from Parts Unknown, it also explains why the police are missin ya body
--=]> great flow btw. what was the relevance of the capitalization of "Hail"? solid punch in general, to the point and effective.

Neigh SHIT on you the instant ya provided a pic; now Im pipin ya chick til her hymen just splits
So dont make this a pissing contest...Cos whether its AOB or ya girl; they just say "UT, I. is a bitch"
--=]> must be missing something... but even if i am man, this one is a throw-away - we need to make it resonate for a wider audience, whereas this one comes off like a very forced personal or something.

young muscle turned father time into completely flab, since that coke habit was deletin fat
I'd say Age hasnt been kind to you Nik, but its more like Age hauled off and beat THAT ASS!!!
--=]> lol.

Nigga ya done
If u a soldier, thats quite the claim; set an ambush n suprise you wit blades
slice up ya frame..then send u to ur group home just to make sure this L derives in pain
--=]> not sure what your getting at with this one bro...

Detailed Example
your flow was consistently smooth. nice shit, good attention to multis.

your hits were strong in a moment, then came off a bit contrived/forced bro.... went back and forth - some really good potential -- i was the master of 'way too complicated wordplay' at times in the day though man, and i think that a couple lines in there just stood out as not standing up to others in your verse.

My detailed example was in-line (pun intended i guess lol), with the white lies example - that was the best example of something 'good' that could be made even better. I thought your other hits ranged from 'to-the-point' to just a bit too complicated to deliver effectively (or would require some additional context and rewording/incorporation of the wordplay). The two examples are the pissing contest line and the L line (unless there wasnt anything more to that line - maybe there wasnt).

Takeaways

1. Wordplay Integrity
- working it into the line, good concepts, just making sure it sounds right and clear in either direction can take good lines the next step.

2. Simply Complex
- as mentioned, there are a couple lines which clearly require too much explanation - just think about the audience, and how the average 'experienced battler with some exposure to AOB but not a lot" would read a line - you are a good enough writer to make it work, but I feel like you worked too hard to make a couple lines work in this one.



Liked your flow, and your 'to the point' punches - stood out the most, liked your steeze overall...


Hope this helped brotha, let me know your thoughts or if you have any questions.

[namix]

Utmost Cashius

Reply to Utmost' breakdown - makes sense, good questions/thoughts/explainations brotha!

1st line i was using 'White lie' as little fib for the first part, but for the 2nd part I did make a coke reference, using 'lie'
as in lie down. it looks weird because usually its lying down. but in something like golf. your ball can have a 'bad lie'

all in all. white, lie on the table was a coke ref. n the multi went with it. I do see that it is written a bit awkwardly now though
--=]> word up, read this after my breakdown (deliberately), i think the example i gave you addresses both yours and Cashius' point


2nd line. pretty much like you read, i thought it was clever when i wrote it. but Is their an efficient way that you have found to make general punches SEEM more personal.
--=]> great question - yea, I would lean on the setup hardcore... even if you don't know where he's from, you could say "He's from RM", yadayada... it will make you "hailing from parts unknown..." more relevant in itself, and make it appear more personal even though it really isnt

3rd line UT, I...tbh honest just used Ill Nika's initial for the I. I was originally trying to glorify my own nameplay while dissing his. with a 'your girl punch'
--=]> yea man, just too much thought going into this one for anyone else to pick up on... Even if your name was "UT" and his name was "I" (no initials), i'm not sure what i'd think about this punch - so this one is a scrapper to me.

4th line. I definitely agree with more extreme part. it would hit harder, it was a simple concept but alot of heads seem to JUST smack ppl with em.
--=]> i agree with BOTH of you - i liked this line for the simplicity, especially coming off of the UTI punch which made me think way too hard --- what you could do to maintain the simplicity AND make it more complex (i know it sounds counterintuitive), but is to "enrich" the concept --- build the concept a bit more (to appeal to what Cashius is looking for), BUT do it in a way that EASILY connects with "Kind"... a lot of dudes would be able to grasp "Kind" in terms of premium bud ---- if you added some complexity and built off of "the years haven't been kind - they havent even been shwag" type concept -- it would connect with KIND better, and leave you a lot of room to add another layer of depth (shwag found in a dime bag in the gutter).. just an example, but you feel me?

its that harsh, abruptness i need help with

5th line was elder rives..rive as in split or rend, orig. i was tryin to tie the physical parts in my setup down to the wordplay
--=]> wow, i wasnt picking up on this at all -- that's very creative, but just not in context at all -- i never really hear "rives" --- just too much for most heads to pick up on i imagine, but creative thought nonetheless.