Phase 1 - Benchmark: Jah Homie [Archive]

namix

02-10-2013, 11:06 AM

Jah Homie

Approach:
- overall assessment, how I 'felt' after reading it
- line-by-line, how i felt as i was reading it
- detailed examples, 2 specific detailed breakdowns to demonstrate the opportunity
- takeaways, primary opportunities as I saw them

Overall:
definitely a different style than I am familiar with - the 'long bar' approach - but this was a quick read, and I read your opponents verse too, I can say you had the clear "concept of the battle" imo.

Breakdown
I don't practice restraint when I put nick to the flame just to see which way the cracker crumbles.
--=]> when executing long-bar, I feel it's important to make your inner-multi's EXTREMELY crisp. if your doing "A, A, B" rhyme, (practice restraint rhymes with "act is just staged" in the next line, note I added "just" for syllabic count purposes), try to make sure the second "A" in this line follows suite, like instead of 'nick to the flame' you can say "put this CAT to the flame" to better rhyme with the first syllable of your quadsyllabic multi. OR - if you are targeting an "A, B, C" rhyme, you can better enforce the integrity of "nick to the flame" with "down to his slang" in the next line (put this "clown to the flame")... might seem overly detailed, but since it's a small verse and 'long bar fans' really expect that inner flow, figured i'd elaborate!

in terms of execution this bar and the next bar will be in the detailed examples section.

Nick’s act is staged right down to his slang, Nick ain’t out at Nite with his wack ensemble.
--=]> the inner rhyme feedback, while it was good enough phonetically, was touched on above in terms of how to make it that much more crisp. THIS was the concept of the battle, but I have two important points to bring up here on how it could be that much more effective, so I will use this in the detailed example section

So Nick learns my name I’ma imprint kicks to his brain, stomp out his teeth so Nick can only mumble.
--=]> NOTE: you have said his name "Nick" 5 times by the third line here, this cascades well to my detailed feed - it is subtle, but it is important and easy for some writers to take for granted - it DOES have an impact though, chose your words wisely and with the right frequency!

In terms of punch - this was okay - decent imagery - not quite sure how he'll learn your name by imprinting your kicks to his brain, but I 'get what you were going for'... might have considered speaking to the idea of "branding his ass", in terms of "brand" corresponding with both an ass kick, implying a "brand" name (on both cattle and in marketing), etc... but i see what you were getting at.

I’ma scratch and cut this mark on stage then bury him with ‘cane like this was royal rumble.
--=]> i know this was on another site, perhaps i am missing the personal with 'cane, but I can imagine it was a reference to someone else who has been buried... not a bad personal if that was the case -- i seen a lot of royal rumble lines lately though, so some 'conceptual expansion' would have helped here... Building off a simple concept to introduce complexities or additional details to make the idea really hit home with the audience goes a long way....

Detailed Example

I don't practice restraint when I put nick to the flame just to see which way the cracker crumbles.
- in long-bar, while i've seen it done different ways - if this was matched against an 8 line verse in short-bar, it's important that each of your 4 lines "hits" to some degree. This would have been okay for a setup - to introduce a real killer punch - but to make it "stand alone" i would focus on the details a bit more.

You have a good concept to work from, taking a common expression of "cookie crumbles" and tying it to your opponent, who i imagine is a white boi.

by doing some simple tweaks, you can make it that much more impactful:
1. start with the 'cookie' 'expression verbatim... it will make sure everyone gets it AND sounds better in the end (in the example to come)... "that's how the cookie crumbles".
2. instead of "flame" - while it makes intuitive sense - let's use the word "break" because it applies directly to something crumbling and is no less brutal.

"you'll know i dont practice restraint, as Nick catches a break... that's how the cracker crumbles".

Nick’s act is staged right down to his slang, Nick ain’t out at Nite with his wack ensemble.

-having already reminded readers of his name in the first line, you do not need to mention it again here until your wordplay. this is more important than people think - it removes some of the steam from the wordplay by over-referencing his name.
- keep that wordplay integrity wherever possible, it makes the line that much doper. There is no shortage of ways to flip "Nick at Nite" into this line verbatim. You can use the setup leading in to convey a number of things, like "old shows", "the winner is black and white" (shit, if your black and he's white, you could flip this to have awesome conceptual flow from "crack crumbles")... or you can reference a specific show from Nick at Nite that heads would pick up on (either some OLD classics or some modern ones... think of all the flips you could pull from):
- dream of jeanie (needs a genie to beat me)
- dick van dyke (got a dick, a van, and a dyke in there -- not to mention dick van dyke rhymes perfectly with Nick at Nite)
- i love lucy (gets no love)
- bewitched (ton of angles)
- current shit, i dont know whats on it, just looked at wikipedia, maybe "Full House"?

or you can flip it more simply.

the cat isnt brave, he just actin all day; but after we hit the lights
only time we'd see Nick at Nite is if he's followed by Dick van Dyke

Takeaways

1. Setup Effectiveness
- avoid over-exposure of certain words, especially their name - once it's brought up once, use their name as little as possible to really showcase any name play you have in store. This also frees up some space for you to empower your setups and really establish the right context for your punchlines.

2. Wordplay Integrity
- mind that wordplay, whether a phrase or a specific term - stick to the original form as much as possible (in the expression "cookie crumbles", or the "nick at nite" example).