Week 9 - Contender Match - Vividlyvague (6-2) vs. Vulgar (4-2) - VULGAR WINS 7-4

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic

http://i.imgur.com/ID1qT9O.jpg




Good Luck Vividlyvague Vulgar

[Vulgar]

yo

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=33354
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=33360
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=33356

[e11even]

chooooo

[Vulgar]

http://i.imgur.com/ID1qT9O.jpg

"Welcome, my name is Luther. This is the world tour extravagant..
brought to you by the Oceanic Soup Kitchen...errrrr...excuse the raggedness
A blue embankment sits on my backside for your viewing pleasure
If I have to use the restroom, you'll be present...but will I do it? Never!
I specialize in "Human Impact" divisions, the real meaning of expert
I've purposefully been endeavored...encircling the sea is my pleasure
To show you how this fine Earth was birthed, conceived, or whatever
Pardon me if I veer off slightly while trying to keep this professional & kind
"--A talking turtle with a big mouth? I've heard less offensive crimes..."
Right then...the rise of civilization left the rest of us declined
As eventually, ungodly weapons nearly turned the epicenter fried
I saw the fishing nets, the firing galleys, the transportation of ancient slaves
Here I was, Luther the Old Clobberhead, hoping this race would fade away
You may be able to walk upright, huddled in that troubled abyss
but keep in mind...underwater, that air of superiority doesn't exist
Describing how sadistic your niche is would require extensive lists of nouns
The cradle of humanity was actually kind of cute...we wish it drowned
The truth is, to understand, you have to take the forsaken plunge
to the depths of the Dark Ages, when the Red Sea was stained with blood
Plagues came to vast lands, disturbing providences of emerging continents
I've never seen such an expendable species exerting dominance...
You watch SpongeBob...I've had to listen to a dying urchin's somber wish
I, Luther, Bard of the Syllabic Gale, Elder of the Swell of the Wind
pray that someday the lost children of Pangaea be brought together again
Well... we're back ashore now, hope you've had a rowdy time
We've decided to recruit the Kraken to fuck you up personally if you get outta line."

Regards,
The Creatures of the Sea

[e11even]

"And so you are mine... Not of blood ormy own kind.
Yet, we are most similar in that, And that, alone, binds.
I love you deeply. Be your own in time."

It was with such purpose andalmost palpable grace of He,
Who brought us, the nameless, to participate... be...

"...be something worth some eons of peons to see."
But some of us were too naive on the deeds one recieves...
Until an incident of damningproportions had a beed on our leads.
Knowing risk,consequence, and still resorting to devious things...
Relieved us of dreams for shackles to dutyasour Karma, it'd seem.
But let us digress, for the means to an end lie in the details between...

She was my sin, a dark courage rousing in this soul anew.
none akin to her likeness, my firey lust gave life to this scourge in you.
Bound byobligatory vows to another, she refused a court's pursuit,
Infused with a hatred for man-birds and blue, my indulgence in love's wars then grew.

"Let us duel... the victor reaps the cosmic reward that is her soul"
"So it shall be, tortoise... your loss will make your shaming jealousy known!"
Constellations the audience, our mentor abashed, and it showed.
Immediate regret on my enemy's face at the sight of our Lord, but controlled.

Then was the clash of the unknowns,
two massive beings of such supposed class, yet have thrown
Punches and insults to match the passion they've known
For her. She wept. Then, at last, she'd explode...
"Stop this madness! I'll go!"
Gigantic crags smashing bone with each thrash gnashing at both
Drowned out her spazz, in a hope
That both would make peace, but flesh's companion is sin, a caste decomposed.

We knew better. But we knew selfish justice more.
Our much disgusted Lord adjusted,
a frustration bored down to a jester's lore.
He was almost entertained, but moreso if he'd evened the score...

"Immortals can fall to immortals. You shall die here, man-bird!"
Readied his stance, "Joust me and win, victor!" He scoffed as advances converged...

THWAAAAAKKKKK!

In opening my eyes, I was face to face with my lust.
Her sobbing face... her bleeding body absorbing the brunt of my thrust...
They, both, appear fixed on my staff... yet I'm the one crushed.
My wonderful Lord looking on... and smiling?
"Enough is enough."

"Alas, you have witnessed the error of your ways, a mistake you can touch.
No pain is enough, but I will show mercy's refrain so you gain of this much."
He approached the wounded, "Live!" Reviving them with a touch.

And so we were shackled.
I, Akupara, have the burden of carrying your world upon my back,
The burden of watching my rival, Arva the moon, stare in anguish as
Our love, Tarkshya the Sun, burns as bright as our desire attached.
Forced to see and not interact. Did you learn from that?

[timeless]

You may be able to walk upright, huddled in that troubled abyss
but keep in mind...underwater, that air of superiority doesn't exist
Describing how sadistic your niche is would require extensive lists of nouns
The cradle of humanity was actually kind of cute...we wish it drowned
The truth is, to understand, you have to take the forsaken plunge
to the depths of the Dark Ages, when the Red Sea was stained with blood

vs.

"...be something worth some eons of peons to see."
But some of us were too naive on the deeds one recieves...
Until an incident of damning proportions had a beed on our leads.
Knowing risk,consequence, and still resorting to devious things...
Relieved us of dreams for shackles to dutyasour Karma, it'd seem.
But let us digress, for the means to an end lie in the details between...

I thought this would be a dope battle with the photo given but I gotta say I'm disappointed, yet still enthused.

Vulgar, the story in your piece it seemed like you wrote it pretty loosely, with no thought as to where it would end up exactly. Maybe not, maybe you had the ending you displayed in mind, just didn't really lead up to it too well. I wasn't expecting a comedy out of this topic for some reason, so it threw me off a little. Not saying the end wasn't good but it just took me off guard. As for the whole general writing side to it, the flow was on point, as was the rhyme scheme and multis. The wording could've been better but it worked for the most part. Nothing too witty or eye-catching.
VividlyVague, I read it the first time, and kinda sat back like, "what?" Then I read vulgar's piece again, typed up critique for his verse, then read yours again and was like, "Word." Story was dope. What I took from the ending was a "don't fuck with earth" type of punch, but I may be wrong. I absolutely hate your style of writing. I couldn't of lost myself in the flow anymore than I did, but when I got it, It took hold. Lot of people vote against that, they don't really take a count of personal style.

Vote - VividlyVague

[ThisisDAM]

Vulgar, this didn't see. Like typical Vulgar. Which is good and bad in a way. For the most part, I liked it. The comedy mixed in was cool at parts, I pictured this weird creature at a podium actually saying all this, haha. Vivid, I had to read the vote before me because I didn't want to be alone in my feeling. I did the exact same thing mordycai did, funny. Had to read it again to let it sink in. I kind of like the route you went, liked the heaven vs. Hell kind of vibe I got from it. Your style is not entirely easy for me, I got lost at points. But won't hold it too much against you. This was a tough one to vote on but I gotta go vivid by a hair.

Vote Vivid

[zygote]

For Vulgar, enjoyed the characterization giving the turtle a name and personality was a nice touch. Also, I really enjoyed this format of writing you did, it is like a 'monologue' format. Just one big chunk of dialogue, it is a very effective format for putting things across, and also it was good how you were able to stay committed to it throughout and not dilute the focus and cohesion with other parts.

Vividlyvauge, perhaps it reads a bit like too much attempting to perfect individual lines in a poetic way rather than focussing on keeping a coherent thread throughout the whole thing. Yes, there was the overall message and the same underlying theme throughout of the cosmic turtle (so-called “Akapura”) but the language was so verbose and unfitting it became off-putting. E.g., “a frustration bored down to a jester's lore. “ + “a caste decomposed.” all the mixed metaphors and stuff felt like it detracted from rather than added to it overall. It’s like if perhaps you were more restrained and brought in the sun and moon God characters earlier and focused the relationships between these 3 entities within that universe you were onto a good idea. Voted for Vulgar.

[Certain]

Before I even read your verses, I want to say this is the toughest topic I have seen this season. I am glad I didn't draw it.

Vulgar: This verse was not your finest, but again, this topic was impossible. Your mechanics and diction are very smooth here. No rhymes feel unusually forced, and the writing as a whole was very natural and conversational, as intended. The concept you came up with was cool but a bit too direct and simple. You had a lot of nice lines and good writing, but the story never moved, and you skirted around some of the more unusual aspects of the photo. The best parts of your verse were reflecting on human history from the perspective of sea creatures. The specificity of those references added a lot of depth to this verse and made it feel less straightforward. The thing is, even after that criticism, your verse was creative. This tour guide structure was unique and fluid, and the perspective was fresh. I liked your verse more upon each read because the depth of thought put into it shone more. So while this wasn't a standout for your archive, it was a solid take on a very difficult topic.

Vividlyvague: You bit off more than you could chew here by taking a very complex and conceptual plot and molding it into sucn a difficult format. Even on second read, I struggled to make sense of many of your lines individually. I wasn't familiar with the concept of the World Turtle before searching "Akupara," and after doing a little research, I thought I might be able to appreciate your verse a little more on a third read. But there still was so much disconnect between what you were trying to describe and how you described it. Even when I figured out what you generally were doing with the plot, there were lines that I had a hard time placing into it. You've improved your flow quite a bit since entering this league, but you still sometimes lean too hard on vague and not enough on vividly, particularly in this verse. With such an out-there approach to such an out-there topic, you could have addressed the action and the story line more directly. That might have been enough to win you this battle, even. But that feeling of having no idea what was going on from my first read is not a good thing. Even verses with big twists or reveals at the end should still be able to hold up without them, ideally.

Vote: Vulgar

[Mike Wrecka]

dope battle guys

Vulgar - I liked what you did here. the turtle was given a personality and the destruction of the human race was detailed. the sea creatures were given a voice and able to express their displeasure with all the things that our race is responsible for. the turtle carried the weight of the world on his shoulders so to speak so good use of the picture. some good rhyming in this but the verse felt short to me. I needed it to keep going. overall quite enjoyable.

Vividlyvague - I was wrong in the magazine. I said that this topic favored vulgar. after reading these I see that it actually favored you. it is a very vague picture, we don't really know what the fuck is going on, and you are known as a vague writer. you and the topic meshed well. I really liked this verse. you maintained the tone of the picture as were you opponent wrote in a different tone. you had the same vibe in your writing as the picture. it was vague, it was strange, it was otherworldly. probably my favorite piece ive read from you. the rhyme structure was quite complex. good use of multis. it flowed nicely. dope stuff.

overall- good battle. vulgar seemed a bit uninspired and wrote short. vivid seemed to step up to the plate and delivered in the clutch. I got him here. for better and more complex rhyme structure and for capturing the essence and tone of the picture more precisely. thanks for the reads gentlemen.

vote - vividlyvague

[Zen]

Vulgar: It seems like you're getting a bit of negative feedback from the voters, but I disagree with them. This shows another aspect of your writing which I've never seen and that's humor, and good usage of dialogue. I think this was a huge risk to take as pieces like this of a character just ranting or not following with a straightforward story rarely gets voted on in these leagues, but I enjoyed this.

Vivid: Your style is like no one else in the league and I'm reminded that each time I read a verse of yours. This story was crazy and I mean that in a good way because, well because I'm crazy I suppose. But I'd have to say the one negative I found with your verse was its length. While Vulgar's was direct to the point, yours lingered a little longer than I think it should have as it began to drag towards the end to me.

V/Vulgar Great battle fellas.

[PancakeBrah]

Vulgar -

This was excellent. This was a difficult topic to write for but you found a unique approach and executed well. The writing was clever. It was alternately condescending ("whatever" line/"air of superiority"/"wished it drown") and poetic. The technique was there throughout and it was a bit of style changed from what we're used to seeing from you. Impressive verse.

Vividlyvague -

A lot of give and take here. I thought you had lines here and there that were great but this piece had too much for me. My biggest complaint is that you purposefully kept the 'characters' vague until the end which was disorienting through the first read through. I understand the 'reveal' of the characters was an important part of your writing process but for me it didn't work. Your use of language was strong throughout the piece but the length worked against you as opposed to helping you. I think being a bit more concise, clear, and to the point while keeping the emotional impact you were trying to achieve in certain lines would have been the way to go here. You're clearly a strong writer but I felt this piece could have used some editing.

This was an entertaining read but Vulgar's more direct approach and command of technique won this one for him.

v/Vulgar

[breathless]

Vulgar... For some reason this reminded me of the Chris Tucker character doing an announcement for that paradise planet in The 5th Element movie. To be brief this was too vulgar and not Vulgar enough. You through in unnecessary potty humor and not enough crazy lyrical prowess.

Vag... I am impressed, straight up, this is the most enjoyable piece I've read from you yet. Thouroughly enjoyable all the way to the last stanza when it turned to some Sumerian-esque odd names that could have been left out, they just seemed out of place. But I did very much like the deification of the astrological objects that weren't front and center of the picture.

Vote - Vag

[Diode]

On my phone.. sorry for the brevity

Vulgar - someone is already familiar with the picture's source! Decent twist on the tale of creation, though a bit mundane towards the end once the reveal was obvious. Great technically, excellent word choice, succinct where needed.

Vague - the formatting was very frustrating. It broke up the piece frequently. Vocabulary was excessively complicated and sometimes even misused, also a detraction. The story itself meandered a lot before its xonclusion and left me uninvolved frequently. Very surprised with how little I was drawn in compared to your other work.

V/ vulgar

[Mr. J]

This was an interesting battle....both different and diverse writers
a great view at what prospers and what well...overprospers
Vivid had a nice approach at what he had tried to accomplish
a distinctI've aspect but towards the middle it seemed to let off a bit to me
Vulgar seems to be on a roll with his most recent drops
really building up steam towards the end and accomplishing a lot
I gotta say your verse is the best I read this week. i enjoyed
both seemed to know what they were aiming for
but I feel the one who came stronger is Vulgar
nice battle

V/vulgar

[Frank]

Vulgar, this picture encompassed your style. It spoke volumes in it's similarities to you as a writer. Schmorgisborg. The way, in which you formatted the picture, to be just above the words, and how you narrated the picture was very entertaining

"Welcome, my name is Luther. This is the world tour extravagant..
brought to you by the Oceanic Soup Kitchen...errrrr...excuse the raggedness
A blue embankment sits on my backside for your viewing pleasure
If I have to use the restroom, you'll be present...but will I do it? Never!
I specialize in "Human Impact" divisions, the real meaning of expert
I've purposefully been endeavored...encircling the sea is my pleasure
To show you how this fine Earth was birthed, conceived, or whatever
Pardon me if I veer off slightly while trying to keep this professional & kind

^irony

Well... we're back ashore now, hope you've had a rowdy time
We've decided to recruit the Kraken to fuck you up personally if you get outta line.

Regards,
The Creatures of the Sea "

I agree with someone who said the the finale was a little rambunctious. little testy. But you brought it together - Kind Regards was a noble gesture.

Funny though, your name is Vulgar yet you never curse.

Vividly Vague: Airy verse. In one way you have a woven flow, I can relate to it, it resonates with me, fore I write that airy shit too. It was also Airy as in it's tone declared something. You stood for a certain class. For me though all the jousting was much too mortal for a picture of this magnitude.

Better representation of the topic.


Vote - Vulgar