Week 9 - Mr. J (5-3) vs. NYCSPITZ (3-3) - NYCSPITZ WINS 8-0

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic


http://i.imgur.com/b6nJSUg.jpg


Good Luck Mr. J NYCSPITZ

[NYCSPITZ]

Emily Dickinson incarnate. School whiz slash opiate fiend
Ceramic vase sullenly shines as petals float to the clean
brown tile.
These racing thoughts can kill your hopes as a teen...
Dope lean, exegesis of bible quotes was her thing
like "FUCK GOD...he's probably why I'm morose and serene
I wish I was pretty - prime Marilyn coasting in scenes..."
Witness this tornado soul's fiery militant zen,
weaponized words unleashed with unlimited ken
She found her truth in book piles, an ink quill and a pen
...but she'd deny things too. Like the feel of regret
The man who raped her for the first time was Billy Dufresne.
"What bruises...oh these scars?" It was silly to blame
Sometimes she'd shoot dope up just to kill all the pain...
in her Milky Way spiral edge's villainous lane
Floating trailer park home, soul tattered inside
At school sometimes she'd get ass-slapped, a pat on the side
To uproarious laughter....
Secret diary with an atom inscribed
on the cover, screaming at every single daemon with rants
but super secret. In her mind the fucking pages were blank
Panic mode, rectangle xanny tabs staving attacks
GABA receptors at peace, then brain waves would collapse
an old heart and young spirit, genius in nascency wrapped
She could pack for the midnight train or stay and collapse
but writing was an escape. It was her blizzard controlled
sought meaning, through every single summer's winter and snow
Every day in her room lonely, scripting her soul
reading short stories at the table, timid and bold
when one line popped out at her and whispered - so cold...
In a rage she flung books, flowers and sinister bowl,
it read:
"---that girl's like a devil lost, drifting to home..."
insight stiffens repose;
one creative child of blistering prose
Julie Dufresne - fetal position, holds a withering rose...


.

[Mr. J]

I'ma need the ext.

[Mr. J]

Several days have passed and I have not been able to rest...
I haven't slept, some call it insomnia, I call it a reason to be inept...
a process that leads me to find a higher ideal I haven't kept...
you'd think I'm scared, lost in pain, or quite possibly depressed
I'm not...because the view from my bed is all that I have left..
this view...from my observation deck...
allows me to see the highest of expectations to the deepest of depths
yet, I'm upset, I'm displeased with all the answers I get..
what I don't understand, what I know, everything that dances in my head
just more reasons to leave me consumed in this question under my breath..
the theories, the diagrams, the lost dialect that I've been fed
written in dusted text..solemnly swore that we would never forget
better yet....never learn because some of us were never a threat...
we would never begin what we started as kids...
God forbid..we become what we were supposed to be again
now we are more focused on gym, how to write cursive with a pen
how to transcribe literature, so it will help separate us from friends
soon the differences come, we can no longer pretend...
that it would catapult us towards a different lifestyle, a different trend
one that would soon brainwash us in the end...
but we would never see that, we never would have guessed
because at the end of the day, we are far from the end
because what happens...happens, and that's how it begins
where we forget, we learn to understand, we learn to accept
that's how it all started and slowly it all made sense
we create us...through each assignment we're sent
through each book we read, each dollar and cent...
the time that we spent, we soon learn that we forget
what truly is the "element" to success...







imagination

[Certain]

(I am reposting my same exact vote, word for word, to bump this above no-shows.)

NYCSPITZ: In the past, I have criticized your tangential takes on topics. Here, you took the opposite route and went too direct on it. But you're a great wordsmith, and your diction and rhyme scheme made this straightforward character sketch really work. There were a few forced rhymes, but mostly you made them work. You played to your strengths with this verse, unveiling this character through images and unique descriptors. I would have liked to see you do something with Julie, though, beyond simply describing the scene and the woman in it. The reveal that she shares the last name of her rapist wasn't so much a whiff as an irrelevant piece of information for me because you hadn't done enough to warrant it with no building of relationships or concrete ground to explain the psychological hurt of incest-specific pain. It didn't seem out of place as much as irrelevant on top of all this girl's other problems. You're a top-tier writer, and this verse had top-tier writing. But the content was a notch below.

Mr. J: This was an interesting conceptual attack on this topic. I liked the idea a lot, and the result was your best verse for this league in weeks. The strongest parts were the ones where you went with specificity, but toward the end you started being a bit vague and general. One of your weaknesses overall is a writer is a tendency to ramble. I don't mean you're redundant. I mean you don't complete thoughts and instead sort of sway through them, and that was a bigger weakness when you were addressing sort of hidden topics as you had been in the past few weeks. This week, though your last line was the fulcrum again, you were able to build a mission statement more cleanly. Your rhymes and diction aren't as strong as NYCSPITZ's, as very few are, but I thought they really picked up toward the middle of the verse. The first 10-or-so lines staggered along a little bit, inching toward a point but unwilling to make it so early in the verse. And while I understand the temptation to do that, I think you could have done a little more with lyricism in that portion of the verse to keep the reader interested. The diction and content of the second half of the verse might have been enough to win this battle because of a better concept. But NYCSPITZ brought his A game in those departments the whole way through and made for a better, cleaner, more fluid and engaging read in a very good battle.

Vote: NYCSPITZ

[e11even]

NYC- This was a gorgeous read. I loved the details dancing back and forth between the pic and your imagination. I felt who she was through your words, and that was awesome. What feel it lacked was a destination. A closing. A semblance of a resolution. It ended as, "and now she's just chillin there holding that rose..." That left me a little unsatisfied. I loved the buildup though. That means a lot.

Mr. J- IMO this was an exceptional piece. This came off like a pep talk/ motivational speech/ introspective reflection. I like how it ended, but the body was a little misleading. I looked back a little and I noticed how the ending tied a lot of your wording together, which was pretty cool. I see how this piece works alongside the pic, but I kinda wish there were more tangible points where this piece would feel like it was tailor-made for this battle. Cool verse, but the conviction wasn't strong enough for me.

Great battle guys. I'm glad I decided to vote early. I had time to concentrate lol. You both got personal on two completely different levels and wavelengths and you both worked some magic. However, both pieces had places I felt need more attention. For an overall stronger, more thorough showing I believe NYC takes this. I enjoyed you both (thats what she said!). MVGT NYC

[ThisisDAM]

Sorry I gotta be quick. NYC your verse didn't blow me away but it read so great. I liked the emotion & the story you were telling, we all know you can write. I may have not felt the closing as much as I should but overall good stuff. J, this was interesting. I thought it was nice but honestly it felt a bit repetitive to me. I thought it was fresh but it needed a lot more. Vote NYC

[Zen]

NYC: First off, nice use of descriptive language. Seriously. It was very hard not to picture each and every scenario you wrote on from her abuse at school, to the drug use, everything was described perfectly. If I had to find a negative I'd say some lines were a little too stretched for my taste, but the story outshines any negatives. Props.

Mr. J: This was a great piece of writing no doubt, but I felt it was missing your signature flair that you usually apply to your verses. I felt that you were a bit rushed and maybe tried to beat NYC at his own game because this to me felt a little like a lesser version of nyc's drop. I would have much rather read a well crafted J verse, but hopefully you'll have more time come playoffs.

V/Nyc

[PancakeBrah]

Cool.

NYC -

This was well written. The flow was spot on throughout and the rhymes were unique and never forced aside from 'morose and serene'. The imagery was strong throughout. This read like a quick glance into your character's life, a reflective still life portrait of a verse. Your content was nothing new but you were able to put it in such a way that I enjoyed it.

Mr. J -

I enjoyed some of your insights and your approach to the topic. I thought your technique was a bit simple. At certain points you went on little tangents that, while still relating to your topic, felt a bit out of place with the pace. I liked the ending but I felt this piece was a little unfinished/unrefined. I enjoyed it, though, and it kept my attention all the way through.

Mr. J had the slightly more creative approach to the topic but NYC wrote his in a much more deft and creative way. Good battle.

v/NYC

[breathless]

Nyc, your language is amazing, and the way you used so much of the specifics of the picture in a controlled way really shows some talent, although, not much creativity as for taking the topic somewhere special. But still, real nice

J, this was very interesting lyrically, almost a harmonic dissonance in the odd syllable fillers amongst the multis, done with a consistency that made it work rather than just sound choppy. But even with that being said, there wasn't anything that especially stood out wordwise, had you gone off with incredible multis or something it may have turned out in your favor since you gave a slightly more creative take on the topic

Vote - NYC

[Diode]

On my phone and don't want to beat a dead horse.

Nyc - greay vocab (though daemon means something entirely else in the tech world), fantastic technical rhymes, straightforward but vivid tale

Mr j - basic scheme and nearly held the same rhyme pattern the entire verse - intentional? Not a flaw but very sing songy. Story was generally the same as nyc but far less vivid.

V/ nyc

[Vulgar]

NYCSPITZ - You took the picture very literally, lol. Very accurate interpretation in this case. Was it too faithful, maybe? In my extensive lyrical analysis *pushes up glasses and breathes fire* your capabilities and techniques were on display here, but I don't know if you took it completely seriously. The first line was like a line of a roast. Illustrative, summarizing the image as one might a movie poster, putting it in perspective to someone who may have never seen it. That aspect wasn't as thrilling to me as it might've been if you treated this character in a more 'delicate' fashion, if that makes sense? Then again, I'm picky and have been reading your verses for awhile.

"She could pack for the midnight train or stay and collapse"
^Ill.

Mr. J - Great topic manipulation. Decent way of going about it. Wasn't really impressed with this one though, I've seen better work from you. The tone was almost lazy, like you were airy and not insistent enough. A "writer's voice" is a disadvantage in this jungle; I don't know what your voice would sound like, nor the pitch or pace of your cadence, so I read this in a slow, calm voice. Nas-like. I agree with the idea of the piece, but can't help but come away from it with a plain view attained from it.

Vote - NYCSPITZ