Week 9 - Mike Wrecka (4-4) vs. patrown (3-2) - MIKE WRECKA WINS 9-0

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic


http://i.imgur.com/8k9BJPt.jpg




@Good Luck patrown

[patrown]

she started from the family tree
portions of me morphed into steam, supporting my dreams
its more than it seems, a single leaf with its roots
branching off into nutrients, gleaming my truths
our meanings confused, til we see its purpose
a sprout in the soil breaking our surfaces
joins the world im in, still just a little nervous tho
for what its worth this - i never expected to happen
ever question i ever had took form and enacted
my dreams for me, connecting together seamlessly
this being a tree, with roots wrapping around my foundation
found patience and wound up adjacent to me, gracing my dreams
i've been waiting it seems like my sprouts taking well to its roots
dwelling on proofs, and swelling to use my world as a stepping stool
her roots form legs.. walking over weapons an fuel
the worlds eyes ever few

[Mike Wrecka]

Uprooted




my family is deeply rooted, this place is more than a home,
its the only type of life that my daughters have known,
so many memories engraved into the mortar and stone,
that leaving will make us all feel sort of alone,
we are being forcibly thrown, right into the street,
still firmly linked together but now less than complete,
I remember the speech of promises I could potentially keep,
but now they're all broken, like my rest and my sleep,
the tension is deep, wondering how to soften the fall,
as I take my kids decorations up off of the wall,
theres coughing and all, other types of reactions,
sobbing accompanied with, occasional laughin,
im amazed at the passion, four walls can create,
wondering how did we end up in such a horrible state,
im filled with sorrow and hate, had too much on my plate,
remorseful as all my dishes are packed into a crate,
this is a smack in the face, what a spectacular waste,
seems like everything good that ever happened, erased,
im just a passenger,wait, I want off of this ride,
caught in a downward spiral that I thought id survive,
my pride ignored the facts as they started to mount up,
now im overflowing with depression, im about to erupt,
I try to sound tough, the hardest saying fuck this apartment,
but then I see a drawing of our house in crayon and it rips me apart quick,
my hearts sick and more money is the only cure,
so I have to work two jobs, will I be lonely? sure,
but I cant take anymore , my wife is frowning, upset,
coming to the realization that we are drowning in debt,
when its all said and done I suppose we'll be fine,
but as the door closes I feel frozen in time.
lesson learned, life isn't the fairest,
now we must go live with the grandparents
but

when a family tree is uprooted, the tree doesn't die,
it gets planted in a new spot and continues to multiply

[NYCSPITZ]

V/ Mike wrecka

Superior characterization and imagery. Breathless is a good writer but it seems he didn't really try to plan out any in depth theme, he is gaining a more profound voice and better diction which is great but Mike probably spent way more time on his verse. It was polished, coherent and dope. I'm giving this one to MW pretty easily, although a rematch with breathless at his full potential could be potentially dope

[zygote]

Patrown created a good little extended metaphor thing, comparing the individual to a tree. It was supported by good choice of language. E.g., "branching off" + "a sprout in" + " around my foundation" + "dwelling" - the deliberate language choice connected to an overall theme is very effective and good technique.

MikeWrecka, enjoyed it heaps, reading all the online contests and this submission from you is my favorite. Liked it on two levels. Firstly, as a descriptive piece of storytelling, good job focusing on details to create a moment - E.g., "but then I see a drawing of our house in crayon."Secondly, as a comment on the systemic nature of family relationships, what happens when an enmeshed family unit meets a challenge. There are themes of resilience, coping with changed environment and the 'separate worlds'/boundaries of the parental systems world and the sibling/children systems world and even the grandparents world. All the different systems of relationships and their interaction and reaction to the event. Can't express how stylistically mature and sophisticated this short submission was with all the underlying themes a reader can gather from it. If only one criticism, perhaps you would not agree, but personally would have left the reason for the family change in environment not directly expressed. E.g., " we are being forcibly thrown, right into the street" + "in debt" + "so I have to work two jobs", makes it clear financial difficulties, I would have left it out, because there was such a strong themes with the different systems of relationship, creating any focus directly on the eviction as a bad event, perhaps lessens the strength of the other more interesting parts. Voted for MikeWrecka.

[ThisisDAM]

Mike Wrecka easily. Patrown didn't seem To try here. He has skill but this piece didn't get to grow into the tree it is. Mike Wrecka brought it this week, loved the verse. Great stuff. Vote MW

[Certain]

patrown: This was not up to your normal standards, even for your 16-line verses. Usually you provide very fluid, action-oriented writing, but this never broke free of being a straight description. You rode rhyming a bit too hard here, and your short lines loaded with rhymes simply didn't provide much content, so then to cut it off at 16 lines really left too little room for anything. You did a good job of hitting the topic directly, though, and I think a longer version of this would have stood up much better. It's not that I think verses should be long, but usually 24 to 36 lines are required to provide a full-feeling verse. You've shown shorter verses can work, but this wasn't one of those times.

Mike Wrekca: I really, really liked the approach to the topic here, and this verse reminds me of your work in the Writing Challenge League. You didn't try to do too much, but you came up with the perfect concept to build your verse on and outshine your opponent. This writing wasn't as inspired as your best verses in the WCL, but it was strong and a continuation of your momentum-building finish to this season. The details in your verse built up the storyline, which I liked as a concept. But sometimes you struggle describing emotions, coming across as too in-your-face and simplistic. For instance, "then I see a drawing of our house in crayon" is such an amazing image, but "it rips me apart quick" doesn't do justice to the emotions. But this verse was really strong, a return to you in your element after last week's solid reprieve. You may end up stealing a spot in the top four when all is finished this season, which is stunning after a 1-3 then 2-4 start. You clearly won this battle.

Vote: Mike Wrecka

[Zen]

Patrown: I think the use of language was very nice when comparing the person to a tree. There were a few particular examples of that that I'd quote but on my vote do I can't. Besides that, this was good but not up to what I expect from you. I saw you say you were pressed for time in the predictions so I get that because I was the sane way this week lol.

Mike: You didn't need to do much this week in order to beat patrown because his piece was short and rushed, but you did enough. The flow was good as was the story. The standout of this though was your use of descriptive language. Very nice. Possibly could be VOTW but I haven't read the other battles yet.

V/Mike

[breathless]

NYCSPITZ um... That was patrown, not me lol... Anyway though...

Pat, I'm going to assume you rushed this piece, honestly, it seemed just unfinished, where you were goingwith the topic, anthropomorphizing the tree into the family sense could have been killer, but, yea, I know you're better than this bro

Mike, nice flow through out, well rounded story, has some real nice readability, more audio style than usual...

im just a passenger,wait, I want off of this ride,
caught in a downward spiral that I thought id survive,
my pride ignored the facts as they started to mount up,
now im overflowing with depression, im about to erupt,

Loved these lines, but yea, this match was pretty much one sided

Vote - Mike

[PancakeBrah]

patrown -

Obviously not a fleshed out verse this week. There were a couple spots were grammar mistakes tripped me up as well. I will say the the flow was very smooth and your rhyming was good, albeit not as good as you usually have. Still a strength. The approach to the topic was pretty standard. Not a bad verse at all but obviously one that was written with 100% commitment to being as creative as possible.

Mike Wrecka -

Very enjoyable verse. You had a good approach in mind and executed it to a tee. There was enough poignancy in the content that a real empathy was built as the verse continued on. The ending was good for the approach you took. Well done.

Mike executed on the topic well and patrown let me down a little bit by leaving creativity/commitment on the table.

v/ MW

[e11even]

Pat- I liked this verse for it having a concise setup, yet still covering the ground intended. your double-edged sword was your great, but stubborn flow. You didn't display as dynamic or versatile, but I felt like it still did decent job of keeping my attention (possibly because of my next point). You took more of an abstract approach that wasn't entirely accessible emotionally, nor was it apparent what you were getting at at first glance. When you attack a subject like yours, it pays off heavily to draw in the reader, allowing them to feel what you felt without them having to assume your emotions through context. You had a good verse, just not as direct as I feel it should have been.

Mike- This was a very hard-hitting, emotion-driven piece. I'm not completely familiar with your work (especially outside of this season), but I think you went pretty above and beyond to put your audience in the shoes of this piece's subject. This, along with Patrown's, resonated with me in volumes and the angle's emphasis made it that much better. However, I think a more intertwining relation to the topic (metas, wordplay) would have added that extra element of 'nice' to your piece. In any case, this was a dope piece. Good job.

For me, I feel this was a match decided on execution more so than ability. Patrown is a decent writer with great technical potential, but he wasn't as prepared to deliver outside his status quo as far as flow and delivery consistent to the message he tried to convey. Mike came in like a wrecking ball (lol) of raw emotion and reflection in the face of life's tribulations, neglecting flare and flash in exchange for tugged heart strings. Great battle guys. MVGT MIKE.

[Diode]

Short because on phone and a blowout.

If patrown had put together a more developed story I feel like he would have won it on concept and technicaly meriy.. but he didn't. Basically handed this to MW despite the middle of the road tale. I wasn't a fan of Mike's endingloosely tying the story to the picture but at least it had some relevance and the reader's emotional investment behind it

V/ mike