Week 9 - Certain (6-2) vs. breathless (3-4) - CERTAIN WINS 6-1

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic


http://i.imgur.com/BiiX7cP.jpg




Good Luck Certain breathless

[breathless]

http://i.imgur.com/BiiX7cP.jpg

With meek diligence, each militant
creature's will has been done.
They speak shrill in quick cheeps, trills and clicks,
features filtered from sun.
Trees built within creak, filled with sticks
whittled by fingers gone numb.
Peace kills the mist as it creeps pilferless,
only their singers have tongues.

They linger in dust covered dining rooms,
hungered for knowledge, dying to loom
spoken tales woven over the timeless doom,
flavorless, trying to consume.
Exhumed souls seem fable ridden,
but their failures aren't written, just told.
Passed from older generations to the newest ones next,
but if only they knew.

With venerable patience
the young sit and listen with open eyes.
Yet they close their minds to what's sung
with no notions of truth.
From general translation they misunderstand
the statements their elders describe.
Feeling mostly awe in the language,
and wonder as it plays what they've always felt deep inside.

"We struggled to survive, helpless at best,
yet primed and ready,
budgeted our lives, selfless and stressed,
with crimes as deadly
as not budging would've been,
for the elvish repression finds so many.
Eleven hundred wooden men stormed in
twelve oppressive lines, swords steady.

Our makeshift bows and arrows, and shields
fashioned from broken barrels were no match.
Firebombing was an undesired option,
but it was all we had to throw back.
Against the druids it simply proved useless,
who knew these subhumans don't catch.
As the revolt happened, we withdrew and retreated,
threw the doors closed with bolts latched.

Our sole chance never made it to the frontlines,
we were done by sunrise, whole branches
of family trees dismantled,
we can't regenerate limbs, let alone bloodlines.
The full encampment, broken, blasted
... But one managed to pretend and lay limp.
The impregnated wimperer who we now call goddess,
turned the tables where our ancestral pages flipped"

But the climax is funny, only the children applaud.
The laureates laugh with a silent ***ophony.
Knowing all the small ones think that it's false.
The fraud is in the truth of the con.
More useful than not ...
... Although, for how long?
The battle's still present as toddlers turn to adolescents.
Spoiled only when they stop doubting the song.

[Certain]

The town was off limits. That much was certain.
So Benton obviously couldn't help but lust to search it.
Drawing dusk as curtain, he whisked from under sheets,
slipped on dungarees and even left a running furnace.
No one had to know. He'd built up trust on purpose,
and despite his rush of yearning, he still was hushed and nervous.
The twisted staircase creaked like the crickets underneath,
but as he slivered from the tree, no one so much as heard it.

The town was off limits. That's what the elders told them.
They'd sell their coal for smelted gold, an otherwise reluctant purchase.
But the town had held beholden, so it's best to trust the sermons,
and the people of the trees shared belief in sheltered omens.
Not Benton, though. He lived for the rush of learning
and had overheard one of his dad's friends discuss the urban.
At 16, with something stirring, he had soon built up the nerve and
laid down a plan to scout the land out beyond this crusted curtain.

The gate was screened, so he scraped through a thicket rut
and bit his tongue through pricks and cuts as he escaped the scene.
The woods were dark. He knew them well and made his flee.
Blind, he braced with trees but hit a branch and scraped his knee.
The lights were coming into focus, through the brush he strained to see
the budding residentials and smoke stacks that swayed with breeze.
And there it was, the towering point of the town's famous cathedral.
Benton gazed at its steeple and hungered more to grace its seats.

He stepped with superstition on to the freshly paven streets.
His plan had been made for weeks. The avenue was dim, and
yet he practiced, drew his mission: First left, then straight for three,
and as he strained his feet, the church came into his vision.
Silence. The door was heavy and thudded closed behind him.
Candles everywhere. The flames would leap, the only lighting,
they helped expose pius, those there to meditate and read.
"Welcome, son." A man's voice. "Join us and take a knee."
"Oh, hello, sir. I'm sorry," Benton said plaintively,
"I didn't mean to disturb anyone or break the peace."
"Don't be silly. Come, now. All are welcome. Pray with me."
Benton followed the man to row of candles laid in threes,
but as he bent his wounded leg, he felt the pain release.
"Gah!" Benton bolted out of his crouch and displaced the scene,
taking out a stand of candles as the others gazed so hatefully.
The noise was loud. The overhead lights displayed his deed:
A mess of wax, burns, mud and sacrilege betrayed his breed.

"Who are you?" The man's vocal tone was changing quick.
"Why did you come here? You tree rat! You filthy paganist!"
Benton froze at first, but his mind was made to split,
so he dashed back through the heavy door and escaped the fists.
His gait was swift, so he reached the village, creaked back upstairs
and played it slick, laying in his toasty bed while cracking, scared.

The village elders had sworn to protect their own for all its costs,
so by the time Benton was found, the townspeople were mid-holocaust.
They strung him up on one of the last trees standing that would hold,
and pretended this all was over something more than coal.

[timeless]

Pretty damn good battle here. Read both 3 times a piece back to back.

Breathless - Shit was dope, a couple times I lost touch with the flow but the constant source of wordplay you provided made up for those small errors. However, you're story I wasn't really feeling. I felt like you weren't sure where you were heading with it all, like It could've went in a hundred different directions.The ending kinda threw me off, didn't really know what to get out of it. It's funny how you got got into the whole Elves and Druid line, being as an old game called Everquest popped into mind as soon as I seen that pic.

Certain - You were on point with this, didn't really throw me off with your flow at all. You outlined a lot of fine details in your story, making it hard for me not to be interested the whole time. One concern about your ending..so, Benton had a lot of coal? in which the elders stole for gold? Or was it a similar comparison to how our current wars are realy about oil, yet in the elven(?) dynasty? Not sure what to get out of it but either way it was a great read.

Not sure which way to go with this..if this were a battle where writers focused more on their rhyme scheme and vocab, breath would have this. I felt Certains story was displayed stronger so Ima have to go with him. Tough one though, couple of real good reads here.

Vote - Certain

[Mr. J]

This was a cool battle, a little let down by what went down though
I felt you two come off as better writers then you show at certain points
and you two could have easily taken this to a higher degree then what was showcased
regardless I feel like you pulled off what was needed here...
breathless, your piece was written more...poetically it seemed...which is cool
it's nice getting a different pace from what people seem to know and stick to...
your approach was more imagery based as was your opponents, which was cool
Certain, you seemed to work with more words on your piece
the flow was on point and read somewhat like a short story to me
something that could be added into a elementary/middle school type of book
which was cool because it didn't go beyond what was expected from it
I enjoyed how you placed everything together and came across...what's the word...
I don't know, regardless its easy to see who wins here...
a little more work breathless, and you should start winning some more battles
nice work guys

v/Certain

[NYCSPITZ]

breathless this might be my fav verse from you that I've read. It was on point and your command of the english language was strong here. I think some wording could have saved you a bit (pilfering, pilfered through the streets - pilferless = not a word) and you seemed a bit too vague at times, but I'm nitpicking a bit because overall I really enjoyed the verse. Certain came pretty cool too The beginning was my fav with the whole suspense building bit. The rest in comparison seemed a bit anticlimactic to me in comparison, just thought you could have maybe added a bit more energy or ups and downs to make it more interesting. However the wording was dope and it was more linear and to the point than breath this time.

V/ certain

[zygote]

Breathless, some nice fantasy and description of the different classes within the short universe you created. Enjoyed the way in which you created the elitist/ bourgeois ‘laureates’ “The laureates laugh with a silent ***ophony. Knowing all the small ones think that it's false. The fraud is in the truth of the con.” Contrasting with the ‘wooden men’ going to call it craftsmen class, “Eleven hundred wooden men stormed in, twelve oppressive lines, swords steady.” Representation of class struggle is one of the strongest themes to use in a fantasy fiction, look at things like Lord of the Rings and Dune, but here you gave only a small portion, you had a good idea but perhaps didn’t expand fully enough on the themes you set up for full effectiveness.

Certain, you are very deliberate with language choice, every word is precise and that is why in the very first line “The town was off limits. That much was certain.” I am going to have a wild guess here. The word ‘certain’ indicates this was an elaborate stylized version of fiction based on your own life, also perhaps your first name begins with the letter B. I read a lot into it, and was trying to figure out throughout what the stylized parts were actually representing, the parts like “slipped on dungarees and even left a running furnace “ - “and had overheard one of his dad's friends discuss the urban.” - “beyond this crusted curtain” - “and played it slick, laying in his toasty bed while cracking, scared.” made me think it was a representation of early childhood and confrontation with something taboo, with the ‘village elders’ being parents and the ‘coal’ being something of value but inaccessible to the child. The only thing that took away from it for me was the specific words “At 16”. Just very interesting overall, even if I’m 100% off in this interpretation the fact that it can allow for a different interpretation is still great. Voted for Certain.

[Certain]

I lead 4-0.

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=33354
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=33360
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=33353
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=33355

[Mike Wrecka]

good battle here

breathless - very different verse than im used to from you. it didn't flow as well as your normal stuff. but it was good to see you really tell a story. this verse worked for me. I enjoyed it.

The battle's still present as toddlers turn to adolescents.

that line was awesome for some reason. good use of the picture. but ya the verse did seem a little too vague in some places. like I didn't know they were elves until like halfway through. a lot of details about the civilization you were describing were left out and a lot of the details of the conflict were left out. you did do a good job of describing the current struggle though. what I do sometimes, just as a potential other route, in a piece like this I really describe the main characters in the first section. then introduce a conflict and really delve into that in detail. and then describe a solution or in this case some form of resolution.


Certain - good verse. it was well written. but it was probably my least favorite from you this season. you seemed a tad out of your element. you are a good storyteller as we have seen, but all your previous verses had been heavily grounded in reality. this was more fantasy and it didn't resonate as well. don't get me wrong it was still a very good verse. just not great as the others. the middle to end part were the strength here. that's is where I was moved in the direction of voting for you. the dialogue section to be exact. it seems that you too were inspired by Certains Corner this week just like zygote seemed to be. this part was very well done but before that point I had breathless. but you excelled where he didn't. you were descriptive. I was able to follow what was going on more. it was cohesive.


good battle guys thanks for the reads. close battle imo


vote - certain

[breathless]

Votes

http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=214776&postcount=9

http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=214784&postcount=10

http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=214793&postcount=13

[Pinot Grij]

Good showing from both. very engaging battle... I was into breathless' verse from the beginning. I think it captured the picture well and complimented it nicely. My critique is that the opening sequence could've been shortened from the setup to the main action. Overall tho I was really into the overall mythology of your verse and the world you created.

Certain.. great stuff as usual.. I don't like the name BENTON for your character but like breathless, I love the play with the fantasy narrative... yours had some added depth and build up though which is a testament to your skill.. I wasn't overly thrilled with the closer but you melded scheme and storytelling and atmosphere here and out performed your opponent on similar ground

Vote for Certain

[Vulgar]

Breathless - The first stanza's rhyme scheme was a little overextended in the beginning, I thought. The rhyming is good, but the rhyming was also somewhat starched, too "in your face" saying something to the effect of "this piece is going to rhyme obnoxious amounts of lines and the content will suffer slightly because of it because I said so." The verse was interesting because I was being offered a different slice of an unknown pie for the duration of the read, section by section. Placing trust in wise men can backfire - seemed to be the predominant message. Although you used language effectively, as a whole I think it was tough to produce a definitive artistic "statement" from it if there was one to be said. It was incoherent to a mild degree due to its vagueness.

"With venerable patience
the young sit and listen with open eyes.
Yet they close their minds to what's sung
with no notions of truth.
From general translation they misunderstand
the statements their elders describe.
Feeling mostly awe in the language,
and wonder as it plays what they've always felt deep inside."

This was my favorite section, sick.

Certain - Refreshing storytelling, but question... why didn't Benton just bring a flashlight with him through the woods? Blind in the darkness, he was susceptible to getting cut, or lost. He was a likeable character; we don't want him to get eaten by the forbidden people, but at the same time he can avoid demise by making more logical choices. Not going to get too far into that lol, it's just my observation about a tiny kink in the story. Similar to the movie The Village, only the people were well receiving, hospitable, yet two faced at the same time. The ending was unfulfilling. Why didn't his dad rush to his aid? Why couldn't he just be safe in his bed, warm and toasty, and down the line something happens to him that makes him reconsider breaking land barriers again, or levels of forest enchantment? I would've made the choice to let him live. This is good reader involvement, by the way, driving me to swirl your story around in my head and ponder alternative endings. Nice work on a technical level. The conclusion didn't come full circle for me and I wasn't satisfied.

Vote - breathless

An interesting battle to say the least. BOTW so far. I'm going to vote for breathless because it was rife with ideas I've never experienced before, executed at a 75% success rate. Certain had tighter execution and a refreshing dose of storytelling as well, but his ending left more to be desired than breathless' vague undertaking.