Week 9 - ZYG (1-2) vs. Mordycai (1-0) - ZYG WINS 8-0

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic

http://i.imgur.com/oMI4Khi.jpg




Good Luck ZYG Mordycai

[timeless]

Damn this should be interesting lol

[zygote]

ALLEGORY: THE WOMAN AND THE OCTOPUS AND THE THREE JUDGES.

The woman loved snorkeling in the reef, she begins her descent.
While spear fishing she found a clever octopus stuck in a fisherman’s net.
The octopus was trapped in the net along the coral shelf reef.
The octopus said, “For all that is good and great please help me.”
The woman said, “I will help you out, but only if you promise not to eat me.”
The octopus said, “I promise I will not eat you, please just release me.”
When the woman released it, the octopus said, “Woman I am so very hungry,
I have been trapped in that net for two weeks with no fresh source of meat.”
The woman said, “There are plenty of dumb fish in this sea, go out and eat.”
The octopus said, “No I don’t eat fish. They taste so salty, and you look so sweet.”
The inquisitive fish around them fled. The woman was left alone with the octopus.
The octopus pounced on her chest. The octopus said, “I’m going to eat you all up.”
The woman said, “How unjust are you, to I who saved your life?”
The octopus said, “Shut up, I don’t care what you think and I don’t care for you human types.”
She said, “But I took you for such a noble octopus, one of morals and style,
You are probably right, but just to be sure let us consult the first three judges we find in the wild.“
“Only because I am so just.” The octopus agreed, a bargain was struck, a deal created.
The woman and the octopus would go out and find three judges to adjudicate it.

The first judge they came across was a large seaweed collective.
The woman said, “Listen seaweed, we need your unbiased perspective.
Is this octopus allowed to eat me even though it promised otherwise,
We want to know, in your opinion do you find it justified?”
The seaweed said, “Humans pollute me and kill my brothers with the rudders on their boats,
You spear fishers kill the sea creatures, you are all nothing more than vicious cutthroats.
I rule for the octopus.”
The octopus was pleased. The next judge they found was a fat manatee.
They both told the facts to the judge as the judge rolled around and splashed in the sea.
The fat manatee said, “I have heard similar facts before, and every time I must agree.
Simple words mean nothing. Octopus, I see there was no contract between you and she,
Therefore, I rule for the octopus. “
The squid grinned and barred its beak. In the distance they saw their final stop.
The final judge they came across was on a desert island, it was a starving fox.
The woman said, “Good fox. This octopus and I have a certain quarrel,
You see, I released the octopus from a fisherman’s net out by the reef of coral.
I only did it on the condition that the octopus would not try to consume me,
Now the octopus wants to eat me…” The starving fox interrupted, “Listen woman, I find this all very confusing.”
The octopus said, “You dumb land creatures all have the same defining features,
Stupidity. Look all I want to know is if I am allowed to eat this human creature.”
The starving fox said, “I’m sorry, I still don’t get it. Can you explain the situation man?”
The octopus said, “Follow us to the net, hopefully once you see it you will understand.”
All three arrived at the coral reef with the fisherman’s net still fully attached,
The starving fox said, “Octopus, I still don’t understand. How did you get trapped?”
The octopus said, “Look at this you fool.” The octopus swam back into net,
The starving fox jumped into the water and wrapped the net around the octopuses head.
The octopus was outraged, he raged and he thrashed and he screamed for revenge.
The woman was upset, she said, “But fox, how will we know who was right in the end?”
The starving fox said, “Who cares who is right. Just leave it unknown.
Go away human, and from now on leave things alone."

[timeless]

"What Am I To Think?"

Tailor-made suits lined the auditorium, worn by enthralled historians
Gathering thoughts to explore decorative arts, all this shit wore me thin
I paused to swig some gin, standing where the door begins, awaiting our turn
Five people in front of us, Julie stood calm, only thing left misplaced were my nerves
"This shits lame, Im not a nerd." I snapped so she snapped back, "Please, just shut your trap.
Why must you act like an ass?" I told her I was sorry and thatd Id stop running these laps
Two behind now, trying to keep a certain smile for this one hell of a perfect mile
Even though we were like ink so close to paper, its like our thoughts were words in denial
Finally, it's final...we stepped forth towards this smorgasbord for art lovers
I find it hard to summon any insight and I wont even make a smart rebuttal
To utter, I feel like the centerpiece of a puzzle, all tossed up, disheartened and shuffled
So I kept my mouth shut, and waited for her to begin so I don't start some trouble....

....It seemed she found it hard and she struggled for the right words to say
"It hurts this way Cai, and my words my provide a little earnest mistake
The girl and the octopus are in love, troubled by the struggle of survival
They try to adapt their differences into one subtle rule to abide to
Although they look happy, they can never advance in life's evolution
Who knows? Maybe the fish will spear a human and dance in light of a solution...
...That could solver everyones happiness."
I gave her a smile and asked if we could go.
She said , "See what I mean, though?
Why do you gotta be like that...
I should smack your ego!"

I told her I don't agree, that this art is wack, if we had kids I'd condone it
And yo...
I gotta write a verse on the same piece for Netcees...
..but I think Im gonna no-show it.

[Mr. J]

This was interesting to say the least, a different approach for both verses
I feel like ZYG decided to go a different route than his most recent pieces
which is great, the flow to it was intriguing and kept a decent pace throughout
but then it came across as a children's story, which I'm not against
I'm a fan of Slick Rick, and this had quite an interesting approach
I felt like the story could have had more of a defining moment if you ask me
but it was still great...
Mordycai had a interesting approach as well, one I became fond of towards the end
especially since this was the same approach I thought of doing quite recently
I enjoyed the real life aspect of it, and how you have 2 different characters
yourself and the girl, the anxiety of being stuck in a art museum and perusing
very smooth process if I do say so myself...I enjoyed the piece for what it was
and even though the ending was too abrupt, I felt you conveyed a great aspect

Overall this was a great battle to say the least, you two had different approaches
which works well in battles where you could say more then what is left for you to say
I feel like ZYG's approach was more cartoonish to fit what he had going on with the pic
which worked well, while Mordy went with roaming about an exhibit of sorts
which to me was a great idea, a majority of people want you to go deeper then you did
but you still had a nice approach which I did enjoy....but at the end of the day
only one of you can leave with the W
........I'm going to have to go with ZYG...his piece was more "full"
Mordy you did a great job regardless nice battle fellas
V/ZYG

[timeless]

Link Uno (http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=33353)
Link Dos (http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=33356)

[Certain]

ZYG: You're a strange guy. This verse is very much your own. It's very original and clear and both is directly about the topic and expands on it. There are some issues, though, not that these will be unfamiliar to you. Your rhymes are rather weak, and your diction is a bit clumsy anyway at times. Repeated words (beyond "said") litter this, and while I understand the goal was to create a very natural progression, seeing "net" twice in eight words or ending three consecutive lines with "me" also is distracting. But what I found was that every read drew me to the verse more. The content is ridiculously creative, and I really liked the way it ended with an important and instructive moral. The fox followed the rules of the animal kingdom, while the woman was more concerned with civic temperment. I didn't ever develop any kind of emotional attachment to the characters, yet I still was interested to see how everything turned out. This story line, with cleaner writing, could have been ripped from Aesop's Fables. So I commend your originality but still would like to see you use your capable grasp of mechanics on a storytelling verse.

Mordycai: Yes, this topic was difficult. But your approach was lame. Treating the art as art is a copout in itself, but to then to end like was a bigger disappointment. The whole meta-commentary on a topic is not original or fresh. I've read at least 20 of these endings in the last 12 years. Sometimes, with the right setup, it can work. But here you actually half-told a story that would have incorporated the topic, then you decided you didn't want to go any further and abandoned ship. So let's talk about the writing. It was a bit up and down. You made quite a few noticeable typos, which slowed me down as a reader. I thought the first six lines were an OK setup. Clearer imagery to set the scene would have been nice, as why they were in an auditorium was a bit confusing. I never really got a good mental image of what this place looked like. Your rhymes were a bit forced througout, but it wasn't anything horrendous, and ZYG also struggled at points with clean diction. But where I think your verse succeded most was the quote from Julie about why she liked the art. I think you could have taken that little rant and turned it into a pretty solid 20-line verse, outside of the whole scene in the art gallery, and come away with a pretty big upset. Instead you seemed frustrated by a lack of ideas even though you had ideas.

Vote: ZYG

[e11even]

ZYG- The start of this was very literal, very plain. As I read into the body of the first stanza, it became stiff and robotic, making dialogue inclusion really unnatural and awkward tbh. THen came this meaningful transition:

You are probably right, but just to be sure let us consult the first three judges we find in the wild.“
“Only because I am so just.” The octopus agreed, a bargain was struck, a deal created.
The woman and the octopus would go out and find three judges to adjudicate it.

Then this read like an intricate joke. I feel that if you had done that type of twist along with how you wrote it, it would have added that extra zing, but I thought this was pretty cool, despite it feeling a little devoid of sincere emotion. I think you intentionally embrace the "emotionless" trait your peers gave you too willingly and too often. For me it kills the piece. Embrace excitement and the spectrum of other human characterizations of feeling dammit!

Mordycai- This verse felt like a very fresh perspective to me. This wasn't executed extremely well, but it created an atmosphere that I can appreciate for it not being brought on particularly by the "topic". That aside, I feel this was like watching a not-so-funny episode of Seinfeld. This was a heart-shaped verse about an exercise in semantics. Cool attempt, but I think more stylized or (at least) more interesting dialogue should have been included, possibly tying the pic into it (metaphorically?) for some extra kudos? Good shit though. Just practice the art of storytelling. You're already a natural at casual interaction through dialogue.


Overall, this was a sorta dull match for me. I feel like a lot of potential showed up, only a fraction of it being realized. Maybe time was a factor? I don't know. I just know that both of you guys presented promising premises that didn't quite deliver 100% in my book. I did, however, dig ZYG's production better than I dug Cai's. Good job guys, in what I would assume was you guys trying something new, and I hope you both show up next week. MVGT ZYG.

[NYCSPITZ]

Lmfao @ mordycai's ending. Slick shit bro, you touched on a lot of interesting material...completely different approach from ZYG and I think it worked out well. ZYG to me though just came way more polished in this battle, he had a dope lil aesop like vibe to the piece and the ending with the fox trapping the octopus (sly lil fucker) was just hilarious imo. For the better story and more advanced storytelling elements I'm gonna give this one to zygote

V/ zygote

[timeless]

thank for all the critique. good shit ZYG

[Mike Wrecka]

cool battle here.

zygote - completely abandoned any notion of complex rhyme scheme and structure. the flow was basic. but the tone and use of literary devices , like dialogue, was not. this was a very enjoyable verse for me. the storytelling was top notch. writing a verse like this is harder than people think. it is a very developed story that follows a tightly woven story arc. character introduction, conflict, resolution. it had a moral to the story which a lot of text verses do not. created something very interesting with this picture. it had a mature feel to it but still felt like, with some heavy editing, it could be something you read in a childrens magazine publication. good use of dialogue, seems like you were inspired by Certains Corner. it appears that you are to the point that you feel like you have nothing left to prove to anyone but yourself. so you challenge yourself as a writer each week. good verse. thanks for the read. probably my fave of the week.


Mordycai - in the video mag, not sure if you read it or not but im assuming you did, I said that you don't have as much flow as some of the regulars here. well I was wrong. perhaps you took that to heart because this piece flowed very well. but a lot of the rhymes were just one syllable and if this piece had more multis it would have read a lot more complex. good use of inners though to buffer the verse. the story , I enjoyed more than most here. I thought it was a creative take on the picture.

It seemed she found it hard and she struggled for the right words to say
"It hurts this way Cai, and my words my provide a little earnest mistake
The girl and the octopus are in love, troubled by the struggle of survival
They try to adapt their differences into one subtle rule to abide to
Although they look happy, they can never advance in life's evolution
Who knows? Maybe the fish will spear a human and dance in light of a solution...


this was the best part of your verse. it was where the girl was describing the picture. really getting into what we were looking at. you needed to expand on that part. and take away some of the mundane parts of being in at an art show. had you done this , this would be a lot closer but as is I have zyg

good battle guys thanks for the reads


vote - zygote

[Vulgar]

Zygote - Pretty captivating for a verse written as uniformly as this. It was by the book in its execution, didn't bite off more than it could chew, etc. I've found that your creativity is never a questionable asset in your arsenal. Inner and outer detailing of your verses/ensuring smooth transitions for the reader strikes me as the focal point of your mainframe. This story was cool, I liked it. I thought the writing was a bit too plain, especially in the beginning. You didn't paint a picture of the octopus and the woman as thoroughly as I'd like my mind's eye to process and interpret. What colors, how does the woman's voice sound, which ocean and what is the weather like on this day, and so forth. All of those small pieces of information can make a difference, whether it's a children's book or a rhymed verse, IMO. Good work! The ending was a little underwhelming. You definitely had an opportunity to make the fox declare a brilliant proverb of sorts. You chose a different route, one of non-intervention with aquatic life.

Mordecai - This verse wasn't terrible but it also wasn't an enlightening experience. The beginning was vague and the ending didn't go anywhere. I didn't walk away from the read feeling entertained.. this could just be that you're still getting warmed up in this league. Writing topicals on a schedule with a deadline can have an demotivational factor and sap our creative energy when it matters most: interpreting a theme/picture in an original way. In that sense, you completely flopped. Writing wise there's potential, it just needs to be honed. Use spell check, by the way. I stumbled over a few words/phrases that were stand out flaws.

Vote - Zygote

[Pinot Grij]

I'll keep this one short and sweet. ZYG wins on pure originality. That concept was outstanding for real. To frame it like an Aesop fable was awesome... if anyone here knows me, I heavily reward style points for great concepts... you brought me somethiny I haven't seen before and I applaud that.

Vote for ZYG

[Frank]

Zyg: I'm a fan of the aquatic rap world. One undiscovered like Atlantis where the mermaids get wet to sound of our bubble notes. I'd like to believe this was an opportunistic time for you to showcase your sea legs. This was a satire. The stale emotion that people may deem as cold coming from you is actually what separates you. You are, cliche as it sounds, not just another fish in the sea. But, If I were to label you a urchant of some kind, I'd probably identify you with the Alaskan Snow Crab. A slow methodical alien like presence gliding along the sea bed, majestic in it's mannerisms.

This was my favorite part:

The first judge they came across was a large seaweed collective.
The woman said, “Listen seaweed, we need your unbiased perspective.
Is this octopus allowed to eat me even though it promised otherwise,
We want to know, in your opinion do you find it justified?”
The seaweed said, “Humans pollute me and kill my brothers with the rudders on their boats,
You spear fishers kill the sea creatures, you are all nothing more than vicious cutthroats.
I rule for the octopus.”
The octopus was pleased. The next judge they found was a fat manatee.
They both told the facts to the judge as the judge rolled around and splashed in the sea.
The fat manatee said, “I have heard similar facts before, and every time I must agree.
Simple words mean nothing. Octopus, I see there was no contract between you and she,
Therefore, I rule for the octopus. “
The squid grinned and barred its beak.

The characteristics worked well here, and giving seaweed a personality was genius. The story was definitely fable like - bringing a bizarre fantasy world into a normal setting - where you're not sure what's really reality - and I think you tip toed that line wonderfully. The last line in particular ended the story on an agenda. The way it was worded though really captured my attention because it read as if you had become a character in the world.


Mordycai: Very fresh angle with the "I gotta write a verse for netcees" plug. It brought a down to earth, multidimensional vibe to the piece. You could tell you had fun writing this verse once you got passed the beginning, which was the best part.

Tailor-made suits lined the auditorium, worn by enthralled historians
Gathering thoughts to explore decorative arts, all this shit wore me thin
I paused to swig some gin, standing where the door begins, awaiting our turn
Five people in front of us, Julie stood calm, only thing left misplaced were my nerves
"This shits lame, Im not a nerd." I snapped so she snapped back, "Please, just shut your trap.
Why must you act like an ass?"

If you had created a relationship with these 2 characters on other levels, the following line would've had more sentimental value to it, corny as it sounds.

I gave her a smile and asked if we could go.
She said , "See what I mean, though?
Why do you gotta be like that...
I should smack your ego!"


Only then will the ending have been justifiable and perhaps even brilliantly pulled off.

As it stands, I vote for Zygote. Mordaci showed pizzaz and youthful vigor but he allowed the picture get the best of him instead of making it his own. Zygote, well done. I enjoyed your verse very much so. In record time, in compelling fashion.


Vote - Zyg