Phase 2 - Act: Detailed Team Takeaways

[namix]

Genocide Anonymous Utmost Jah Homie

All -

As I go through the detailed breakdowns - I will start posting some general "takeaways" here for EVERYONE to pull from.

Please review eachothers breakdowns too --- because the thoughts are more overarching than any one writer.

Also, honestly, I just spent over an hour or so breaking down Geno's verse... I will give everyone the same attention, BUT, I did his because I thought I could apply a lot of general points in the breakdown. Please do review eachothers stuff AND give eachother feedback in their verses if you have a chance.

http://artofbattling.com/forum/showthread.php?3488-Benchmark-Review-Genocide&p=14619#post14619

(in general, i'd rather go so deep in one verse than 'barely touch on' everyones verse --- we can all learn from any sample)

[Cashius]

Here's two takeaways I saw from Utmost's verse and probably should apply to everyone...

1.) Always use multiple syllables. IMO, this shows you have at least SOME writing talent. Every text great (except Hush sometimes) used multi's. it makes your verse look polished and helps it flow better. Don't be afraid to use internals as well. Here's an example...

This kids a disgrace, if he's gettin a date...she ain't callin' tomorrow
If you ever heard a bird Blue Jay, it's just a dude who plays ball for Toronto

"Callin tomorrow" and "ball for Toronto" are the end rhymes of each line...but "kids a disgrace" and "gettin a date" were rhymes within the first line. I think it makes the flow sound a bit smoother.


2.) Make sure your concepts have some impact to them. Before you use a punch think to yourself, is the point I'm making going to hurt this persons feelings or make him look stupid? That is the purpose of battling...embarrassing your opponent. IMO being creative is important, but if your not effecting the opponent it doesn't matter. This is why people like Hush and GOW are so successful...they don't come up with these crazy creative concepts. But they knw how to be direct and go for the throat.

Let me know if you guys have any specific questions...

[namix]

Dope - since you broke down Utmost, I covered off on Anonymous and Jah Homie too... I will get to Utmost's as well, just wanted everyone to have something to think about first - and my breakdowns are getting extremely time consuming.

Here are my takeaways so far:

The common themes I'm seeing are (examples to come in next post):
1. Conceptual Expansion
- opportunity to take a 'good idea' and make it great by further incorporating details, or very specific concepts, pertinent to the original concept.

2. Wordplay Integrity
- opportunity to better incorporate wordplay into a punchline without it seeming as forced or contrived, maintaining the original 'wordplay' as close to its original form as possible.

3. Setup Effectiveness
- opportunity to better establish context regarding the ultimate punch to come, utilize the setup as a powerful means to take your audience on a journey leading right up to the punch. Even if someone didnt get a personal, for example, you can use the setup to provide enough context that they 'get it without needing to get it'.

[namix]

1. CONCEPTUAL EXPANSION EXAMPLES:

(original: Genocide)
How you gone test me? I'm far from multiple choice -bitch
Maybe when puberty hits, your bars won't be as soft as your voice is

(revision)
"when i roll-up in a whole tank; it reveals the fact the bitch scared
cuz he only rocks a tank top, which just reveals a lack of pit hair"

(original: Anonymous)
I'm ill cause minds sick, At least I'm not the worst right,
I'l rap to a blind chick, still be love at first sight,

(revision)
to be honest, im damagin pride; ya hurtin for concepts, band-aidin lines
if you believe in love at first sight..i believe your entire fan-base is blind.

[namix]

2. WORDPLAY INTEGRITY EXAMPLES:

(original: Jah Homie)
Nick’s act is staged right down to his slang, Nick ain’t out at Nite with his wack ensemble.

(revision)
the cat isnt brave, he just actin all day; but after we hit the lights
only time we'd see Nick at Nite is if he's followed by Dick van Dyke

[namix]

3. SETUP EFFECTIVENESS EXAMPLES:

(original: Jah Homie)
I don't practice restraint when I put nick to the flame just to see which way the cracker crumbles.

(revision)
i dont practice restraint; see Nick catchin a break - that's how the cracker crumbles


(original: Anonymous)
Develish lyrics, like I'm rapping through a cursed mic,
Fuck Writing raps I prefer the unrehearsed type

(revision)
got murdered in the past; off-the-top, my drops are savage guys
while their's are gettin re-hearsed - and put in the casket twice!