Week 10 - Certain (7-2) vs. NYCSPITZ (4-3) - NYCSPITZ WINS 6-0

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Saturday 23:59 PST (NO EXTENSIONS)

Voting Deadline - Monday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic


"One does not sell the land people walk on"




Good Luck Certain NYCSPITZ

[Certain]

The screen door slammed shut. It always had, ever since Trevor broke through it that Friday to show his dad he had passed cuts. He held his new jersey, all gassed up, a total spaz, and Gerald patted his son on the back and choked a laugh. Lucinda would gloat and brag to her friends about her firstborn's varsity jacket. Jessica rode to his games with the car seat in backward, harnessed and strapped in. Trev broke his left tibia. He limped his ass to the games anyway and held the screen door open fast with his crutch while hopping with the cast. It always slammed.

One bedroom window was sealed with paint congealed on frame. Jess had made the mess when she decided that teal was lame. Pink everything. She and her friends squealed and waved brushes everywhere, not doing much of anything. Jerry touched up best he can, but ultimately the crust would peel and fray. This was life with girls. A tight-lipped world for a father whose stripes were earned the hard way. Lucy would stroke his head at night to calm his nerves, steeled and gray. That damn window never opened, though, fused and locked. And in the summers, Jess wielded complaints that her room was hot.

The den still reeked of smoke. It had become Jerry's asylum when the kids were born. He'd emerge, doused in cheap cologne and act like he'd never been hiding. Dim and warm, the den was a place of peace. Straight release. Pour a Scotch on the rocks, rock in the chair and taste the peat. He smoked Marlboro Reds down to the filters. The full flavors savored fully. Five or six a day, enough to make him weak. He stopped coming down to the den eventually and faced defeat. But the oxygen could only make him breathe so long.

The garden was perfect, though. Lucy would work her hoe to turn the stones and keep her soil fertile. Tomatoes, mostly. She tried zucchini and asparagus, but her family hated both. She slaved to grow fresh fruits and gave them to the neighbors, hoping they'd repay her with baked goods. Trev liked the green peppers. Jess preferred the red. If teens ever agreed, heads would surely explode. Lucy liked the dirt in her toes. She liked the feeling of breathing life into the earth as it grows. After Jerry died, she spent more of her time in the garden, forraging thyme and discarding weeds and spoiled roots. It wasn't long before she was under soil, too.

"So, have you made a decision?"
The agent, smug with the siblings.
"The latest offer was two hundred and fifty."
Jess gave her brother a look, half-puzzled, half-dizzy.
"They want an answer. They want something done quickly."
Trev looked back at the house, with its love and its history.
"Tell them to hold," he said.
"Let's try to get them to double the bidding."

[NYCSPITZ]

Marc-Eduard,

Shevek (LeGuinn), Tolstoy, Che, Allende, Sartre, Sacco + V., Joe Hill, Fred Hampton, Spinoza, Feyerabend...
all of them investigated Freedom...i.e. to get it, max it, keep it...never forget how the iron heel relentlessly
seeks to destroy it and make us slaves. Remember: "Je me Souverains"
...I am Sovereign.

Love,

Dad.



Remember son-
Life's river twists into lies and courses to trust
You're a man. Stay solid as I consort with the dusk.
Stand by your reality and never forfeit its trust
Be immortalized - the monolith'll morph it to dust.

For millions of years it was
The most beautiful terraform. Tides recede toward the rippling sand
as laughing dunes smile and crest into oblivion's hand
Tropical forests; endless oceans shining transcendently green
Two suns, and three satellites resplendently ringed.
Aeon's Lizard Nebula: a lounge couch for criminal tiers
The Dragon Tears Gang - Marc-Eduard Lemieux rose to general here.
Fulcrum of the fascist galactic senate's regime
Yin and yang power flow, darkening tenets supreme
M.E. and twin: Spirit Teachers. Part of the planet's heavenly lore
Til' crooked powers grabbed its reigns:
Super-Earth...Aeon Six-Seventy-Four
M.E. was King - his twin brother imprisoned to lead on the floor
shackled, the struggle left him in a terrible form...
Sit on your throne in melancholy Lord, sing unfathomed affairs
The supernova above's diffuse, a purple dragonish glare
The Dragon Tears gang came with the senate,
with cyborg cops and death of people's canons and prayers
Galactic Nero playin' fickle fiddle - Magnus beware
A soft chant from the twin brother...years of practice is there
Burned its roots, earth, rites and even blackened its air
Labelled telepathy as something like cerebral savage despair.
S.E. 674's Telepathic, telekenetic, spiritual status was rare
Where's the secret? Destroy the land, skin their scalps to compare
Find the mental secret to quench diamond and satin's despair.
but behind it all M.E. was calm, strode and flattened his hair
An earthly call resounds, climbing up the slabs of these stairs
A soft chant from M.E.'s twin...it's gathering's here
pondering life's circuitous route to ruin, sadness and fear
Laissez faire. Destroying his people while crackin' a beer.
Reminiscing, the Spirit Teacher code established was dear
The special power of neuro-matrix-electron-flux
allowed communication with any from maggot to deer.
Galaxy and Gang slogan: "Forcefully our cannons'll fly"
but it's a mockery - emaciated castle in sky.

The castle trembles, It's begun! God's chorus of odes
as spirit teachers witness in peace the falling fortress of coal
Marc-Eduard smiles without a mona lisa portioned remorse
Natives notice spiraling light pillars, gorgeous in torque
Dark-hearted fallen - it's prophecy's assurance in salt
...a radiant blue disperses, drawing strength from Arctrurus' vault
Brother stand redeemed! The ultimate mage - with heaven above disclosing its course-
Unshackled, he looks skywards
...as light hits a crest, spreads and encloses the source.




.

[Certain]

I'll try to get the other two battles tomorrow, but here are my required links:

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=35127
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=35122
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=35129

[Vulgar]

Certain - Excellent verse. I thought the structure would be an issue but it actually promoted the authenticity of the piece. Every paragraph had a nice quality to it, characterized by seasoned writing about the story of the residents. The last section had solid rhyming and a wrap up statement complementary of the whole thing. A hard verse to beat.

NYCSPITZ - This one forced me to think. For one, it made me think this was one of your best verses I've read! Outstanding writing, great instincts for descriptive writing and sweeping scope in some cases throughout. It was about two brothers born from the same father. One is a powerful king and the other is the leader of a criminal syndicate. Both have different opinions on how the universe should be. One rules with an iron, authoritative fist while the other wants to free the people and breathe sovereign air. It was a cross between the Necromancer series and Hell Raiser, due to its cinematic qualities and dramatic conclusion. The way I saw you hit the topic was that when a political figure with a split personality (two sons/two suns) becomes tyrannical, he is in fact selling out to the people; in this case, people who live on terraformed land. This was my understanding of your approach. I could be off but this is what I'm going with for my interpretation. Impressed by this - I won't be sleeping on you during the play-offs.

I won't be sleeping on either of you during the play-offs. Both hit the topic out of the ball park for sure. I liked your offerings. One had a stronger taste and the palate was more pronounced.

Vote - NYCSPITZ

[breathless]

Certain - I think the paragraph style really took away from what this could've been, it read much too my h like a regular short story book excerpt for my tastes. In that aspect it wasn't all to bad, but it still had a general "listing of events" feel rather than a conducive story. The whole gardening section was a chore to read, a decent set up for the land being sentimental, but it went on too long

NYC - this had an awesome vibe to it, almost like Dune meets Ender's game. A lot of times the full blown historical fiction naming gets boring, but this was pulled off really well.

Thesze lines really stuck out as superbly rap like

The Dragon Tears gang came with the senate, with cyborg cops and death of people's canons and prayers Galactic Nero playin' fickle fiddle - Magnus beware A soft chant from the twin brother...years of practice is there Burned its roots, earth, rites and even blackened its air Labelled telepathy as something like cerebral savage despair.

A piece like this makes me want to read an entire novel like this

Vote - NYC

[patrown]

certain - at first, i was thrown off. but i really enjoyed this. one of those i gave a quiet chuckle/nod to. crazy deep, yet simple. great piece, was very much enjoyed. "taste the peat," might not sound attractive to the average reader. but that was pretty good. little things about this one got me. made me wonder what brand of scotch in particular was "peaty" also, that resonated with some other parts,like, "The den still reeked of smoke." little stylistic inclusions like those give a piece authenticity. good showcase of an abstract bravado, here. the garden stanza felt like prose a little. . . wanted a little more rhyme in the middle of it. you were almost convincing me i was already familiar with some of your sensory observations. great writing.

nycspitz - i'm not really sure why i'm as blown away as i am. i mean, i've read you. i read/have read/will read great people. but this piece is particularly great. it has swag, if that term is appropriate for a product of intelligent human life. you just threw out, "Lizard Nebula," and "fascist galactic senate's regime," as if I had an auntie from the former and an uncle in the latter. although many times that doesn't work for a lot of people, it worked in your favor here.

/v nycspitz - when i'm really stuck between a couple pieces, i'll usually spit'em on a bit that works for both and go with which one i enjoyed delivering more. in this case, i couldn't really "deliver" certains at all. because in my opinion, it was an extremely entertaining and creative venture in creative writing. that nearly won against a traditional topical piece. anyway, great battle.

[Mike Wrecka]

ok quick vote guys

Certain- I wasn't really a fan of what you did this week. I think you figured you had your position locked up and said let me try something different. the writing was very good. in the aspect that it was still Certainesque, very vivid imagery that created a mood. the mechanics and format was what killed it for me. I was trying to find rhymes. it just didn't rhyme enough for my liking. or really flow for that matter. felt like I was reading a regular short story in some parts. it was dope in that regard but its not what I look for in a topical text verse. was a little veritas style. the story itself hit the topic very well. I will give much credit there. and it was interesting so overall not a total flop, actually an enjoyable read just didn't flow enough

NYC - really liked the flow here. the vocab was strong and interesting. good cadence and the story was intriguing. this verse pulled me in. I like the word combinations you use. good stuff. when you write like this you are hard to beat my friend. sorry for the quickie but ya


vote - nyc

[Diode]

ugh. this is tough. tough, tough, tough.

certain: much like.. well, everyone.. i was thrown off at first. scratch that. i was consistently thrown off when the rhymes schemes dropped dead for prose before resuming again. as a story, this was great. as a topical piece, this was great. as prose lightly influenced by dashes of rhyming, this was great. your ending showed what the whole picture could have been. everyone knows what you could have done here and you went a different direction. it wasn't the paragraph format that caused problems. this wasn't a topical "text" verse - or any kind of rhyming lyrical fabrication for that matter. it was prose influenced by poetry. i loved your story, though not on Frank levels of emotional attachment.. maybe i would have if you'd taken the time to fit the format and flesh it out. i am really torn on what to do with this. it's beyond unconventional.. it's outside the bounds of what makes this a topical league. i don't know that it can even be considered.

nyc: you have technical and vocabulary skills, though with a much more concise approach than vividlyvague and others like you. the subject matter is a personal problem for me as i find sci-fi writing, even when serving as an allegory, to be very difficult to follow when genre-specific terms are brought in for the sake of sticking to the genre. i shouldn't hold that against you here because i know it's personal preference and we should be somewhat objective. it does hurt my take on this because i got lost frequently. not because of a lack of understanding (total astrophysics nerd here), but due to the induction of scifi lore without the needed explanation as to what purpose it serves to the story (other than using nontraditional terms for rhyming). i actually found vulgar's vote to be very beneficial to my understanding of your intentions - you owe him a beer for that. the story, taken out of genre context, was a creative take on the topic and the metaphor-within-an-allegory cautionary tale is always impressive when pulled off successfully, which at the most basic level, you did here. i just hate the genre.


i really want to go against the grain and vote certain here. however, this is a text topical league, with boundaries around what is expected of a verse. keyword verse. in the context of the AOWL, that means rhyming lyrics as the majority of the prose. it didn't happen here. for that, i can't in good conscience send a vote Certain's way.

v/ nyc

[Mr. J]

Although I disagree with Diodes rant on how a verse should structured
and his misuse of two terms in the ART of WRITING
I do believe that your risk taking may have arrived too late in the league Certain
I can see why you would like this to come across more idk the word
I feel you handled your verse quite well. you seem to lollygag as I have knowing a majority of people aren'tquite ready
but that separates us from the smaller fish who stick to shalloe waters
the depth alone is hard to comprehend if you arent adapting to the progress
some may say your piece is a step back I see it as a evolutionary leap of faith in a different direction
I feel as though peoplr have forgotten what is the ordinary and have bound themselves to what's safe
bravo for taking a different step
although this does lack that Certain touch that I like
thus I must give to NYC for seeming further intact and playing it safe
as most have come to do
v/NYC