Week 10 - Diode (4-0) vs. ThisIsDam (3-0) - DIODE WINS 5-4

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Saturday 23:59 PST (NO EXTENSIONS)

Voting Deadline - Monday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic


"It does not require many words to speak the truth"




Good Luck Diode ThisisDAM

[ThisisDAM]

Thursday is thanksgiving, wednesday i can't write. Today I can't. All I have is tomorrow. I'm surprised the due date isn't pushed.

But good luck dude

[Diode]

thanksgiving due date?

http://i.imgur.com/YBnpYri.gif

EXt for both of us. fuck this guy. good luck, due fri 11:59 PST.

[ThisisDAM]

A misfortunate soul, who's time in this world was so morbid & cold
Nearly dying of hatred & crying home naked, her life wouldn't make it to forty years old
She was gorgeous, a rose - A vision of beauty, the charm of a goddess
Who never brought harm or some trauma or ever was partly dishonest
A heart full of fondness, with a passion for art, she'd paint through the night
Her brushes with death meant nothing to the ones she embraces so tight
The splashes of gray, red & white on a shadowy canvas of black
Representing the darkness she felt made her the most angry & mad
But, the thing she missed most was the loving, romance that she lacked
Being alone was too hard, the hole in her heart had expanded the gap
Her affliction was rare, she went through a treatment of vigorous care
An atmosphere of gloom, a crestfallen, dispirited mixture of air
She wanted a partner, someone to love & hold, an intimate pair
But this wasn't fair, NO - it just can't be her fate, an existence so bare
Every week, the trip to the hospital was hardly a magical voyage
She thought most days of giving up & maybe she'd rather avoid it
Her face, like a blurry mirror so distorted, unable to reach an expression
She'd stare at the others so eager to let them share grief in her session
Beneath was affection, but on the outside, her shell was far from unbroken
A car with no motion, a shark with no ocean
Missing a piece & living in these conditions would keep her heart in the open
She sat in the chair, all the nurses already knew her by name
They treated her well, gave immediate help whenever she had such unsuitable pain
This became her second home, the doctors, a sort of new family, friends
A bond like a tree branch, one that continues to grow & can't even bend
On the next bed, a man she pretends to never notice or catch a glimpse
He's there every time, once said hello - nothing has happened since
Her struggle with chemo was something so evil, kept punching her ego
She wanted to wave or look over, but nothing was jumping - it seemed so
Unsettling - especially with her diagnosis of throat cancer making her mute
She couldn't speak, talk or utter anything that was worth saying to you
Then - she dropped her spoon, that she was using for devouring meals
That's when he got up, raced to it & gladly handed it over & a smile was revealed
They locked eyes, that no password, or key could break open with might
A rush came over her quite, like she never could have hoped in her life
He said Hello again, but this time with a sensitive tone in his voice
She wished she could return his exclaim, but she's alone in the choice
You don't need many words to speak the truth
You could travel the earth & seek the proof
She held his hand & in her heart he would stay
That's when he didn't need anything, he already knew what she wanted to say
________________

[Diode]

the air became silent, hair bristling, breath quiet
no turning back from this attack, no defending.. unrelenting, intent violent
the tension thick, palpable.. accusations, all factual
we locked looks, hands shook, sweat pouring amounts incalculable
nobody blinked. nobody spoke. nobody broke. at the brink.
i'd held it inside this deep mind, this deep sigh, this deep.. why?
a simple question, and yet, no answer still
she knows that i know this shit show has battered her will
mind racing profusely, each repetition echoes its own diction
for she's stunned, loosely, facing this conviction
a roaming partner can pick apart the darkest heart even at its darkest hour
but a leveled home can shatter bones, their very souls, stealing all their power
and here i sit upon this pit, this ruin of my very own
she glares at me with baited breath for the next move in my tome
a shattered glass, a hidden past, her secret's in the open
and yet the silence shall remain between us..

the truth forever broken

[Adonis]

Dam - flashes, the majority rather, held stand out flow. Near the bottom quarter it was much more choppy and unpleasent and seemed rushed, the meat however read easy, kept a very nice pace, and jjust flowed off the toungue. Then this in the begining...."or ever was partly dishonest" wtf? There were similar misshaps in the first 4 bars, but llike I said, the meat of the verse really did make up for the rest. As for take on topic, theoretically nice topic, but it felt ruushed as a finished product. So...execution was off a bit I guess.

Furèr- I liked the ending, shhattered glass/broken truth. The flow in bottom half was good, did not enjoy the opening lines flow. Too stretched for my taste. This was short,, no doubt rushed which seems a recurring theme thus far. Your take on topic is witty, you literally explained that awkward silince in my minnd, pretty smart. But it wasnnt the awkward silinence, it was lovers at that breaking point before the tears flow. Good shit.

Tough vote. DAM had the longe piece which usually benifits a writer, but his more, all meant more flaws. Diode on the other hand kept it concise, using the topic perfectly with solidd execution ccuz I see the talk between lovers and caan imagine that silience

Vote/traitor

[Zen]

Vote will be brief. On my phone.

Dam: I thought it was kinda when I read the topic and saw how long your verse was lol. As for the writing, it was mostly good. There were a few parts towards the beginning specifically that fucked up the flow. Besides that it was good.

Diode: This was short and to the point with very descriptive language. That being said I agree with Adonis bout the opening lines. Still, you shined with a direct approach where as Dam's verse began to linger on to me.

V/Diode good battle

[NYCSPITZ]

V/ Diode.

His verse was dope, laconic, to the point and very engaging. Emotionally, rhythmically, diction, rap swag, imagery, suspense...the shit had all of these elements. Also the shortness was a clever way to capture the quote. I always enjoy reading DAM but his seemed to contain a bit too much filler for my liking this time. Cool battle between two swell fellows.

[patrown]

dam - you took me on a ride here. care for a character. imagery with the canvas, just a great breakthrough into the characters daily activities from a far back perspective. i particularly enjoyed your approach here. but i do feel like you spent too much time on introspective descript/ions. too little development with the second character. but you took it somewhere satisfactory in the end. felt undeveloped though, honestly.

diode - yo you really actually started off strong but in your transition lays the soft-ness
the air became silent, hair bristling, breath quiet
no turning back from this attack, no defending.. unrelenting, intent violent
the tension thick, palpable.. accusations, all factual
we locked looks, hands shook, sweat pouring amounts incalculable
nobody blinked. nobody spoke. nobody broke. at the brink.
i'd held it inside this deep mind, this deep sigh, this deep.. why?
a simple question, and yet, no answer still

/v dam

[Vulgar]

Vote - DAM

Wasn't really satisfied with both verses, tbh. Dam, you went with a regular type of verse. It was meaningful and had characters with intentions, but it just felt average and a little hollow. Diode, yours was okay, but too short fused for me to take seriously. I look for quality over quantity so it's not an issue with that, I just wasn't feeling this.

[Certain]

ThisisDAM: This verse was a bit of a departure from your previous verses, mostly in the length of lines and focus on rhymes. You still had plenty of rhymes, but they weren't at the heart of your verse and weren't as essential in moving the piece forward. In that way, this was a major step up. And those rhymes were mostly good, though at times they felt a little too syncopated and predictable, especially since so man of your lines were full sentences, meaning there was sort of a pause between them that messed up the continuity of the cadence. Plus you cut off rhymes after one couplet or, in a few instances, three lines. As far as the content, you spent a lot of time developing your main character and never really brought her home as an actual person. So she's ridiculously gorgeous and also pure of heart and talented artistically. That's not a real person, but that's the person you were describing for about 10 to 12 lines here. You made a turn for the better when you started to discuss her resentment for her disease. You did more telling than showing and could have built the verse more anecdotally, but when you hit your stride, the storytelling definitely improved. The ending was saccharine and predictable, especially since you telegraphed it with a line earlier in the verse. Developing the male character and how and why they connected in a more specific way would have allowed for more depth, as that part was thin. This verse was OK. It grew on me with every read, once I got past the rough start. Not much happened, and the character development was pretty basic. The cancer treatment aspect was a nice twist on the most obvious take on this topic, writing about someone who can't speak.

Diode: This was the best verse you've written for this league. Maybe that's simply you shaking off rust or maybe it's the simplicity of your approach here. I thought you hit this topic on the head. Writing a short verse simply felt right, even if you did it for lack of time, and your content worked well with that brevity. You used your writer's voice and a few poetic devices to hammer home the awkwardness of the scenario. You left a lot unsaid in your verse, which again is kind of the point of this topic. Your rhymes are still simple, something that will become an issue as we head to the playoffs and even was an issue here because ThisisDAM is a good rhymer. You generally make up for your simplistic rhymes with good cadence, though the second line through me. The rest of the verse handled it well. The repetition/variation worked really well with the "nobody" line but not nearly as well on the "this deep" line, in part because you presented them one after another and in part because "this deep" doesn't mean as much as "nobody," at least in the context of this verse. I try to encapsulate every topic with my verse, to write something where even the structure reflects the topic, but most others don't follow that and instead try to write the best verse possible while hitting the topic. It was nice to see someone else define their verse by the topic. I really liked this.

Vote: Diode

[e11even]

Dam- Great piece. Very well explained, engaging and well-paced story. I like it and how it thoughtfully tied to the subject. Cool shit.

Diode- Very crisp, well written and tightly worded read. This is something I need to learn lot more of in terms of short, powerful writing. This gave every part of the buildup that Dam gave but in a very concise, jarring piece.

Both of you did a great job in the same lane with two diff vehicles. Dam chose the hybrid Suburban versus Diode's equally capable but better looking Volt. I think Diode showed more than exceptional ability in this display nd deserves this. MVGT Diode.

[Nigma]

Diode - Bold verse utilizing a component of the topic to your verse size. I felt you were very close to pulling it to create a monster verse for the size, but was thrown off by a couple lines that could have been reworded to better effect (the 'move in my tome' portion of a line near the end stands out as one, but there was 1 or 2 others). I feel you place a high onus for consistency on yourself when you limit the size so things like that will stand out more so then in a longer verse which has the chance to have more stand out lines to make up for them. Plenty of strong points, aside from a couple hiccups the verse left a good impression. For the most part it was well worded and a good angle on the topic. My only other concern would be the ambiguity of the 'truth'. My guess would be someone was unfaithful, but I'm probs wrong? I dunno. You maybe made it a little too mysterious for stupid people like me. Anyways, enjoyed the verse for what it was

Dam, was diggin some the schemes you were layin out there. The opener was really nicely worded with a diligently balanced syllable count which made it read smooooth as tits. I enjoyed the perspective of the verse, was as if I was looking over the shoulder but from a long ass ways away. The severity of the circumstances toward the end of the verse conjured vivid imagery for me, daunting, yet clear haha. Aside from increasing abstract vocabulary usage and looking to implore ways to add depth to storyline (which could be said for every verse) not much to say stands out as being bad, just need some consistency to the standout features to take the next leap in progression. Enough to earn my vote this week

+1 Dam

[Frank]

ThisIsDam
Her struggle with chemo was something so evil, kept punching her ego

^insanity

the throat cancer angle could've been touched on more for stronger emotional affect. solid verse though. it dragged the way you wanted it to. nice slow drag.

diode. this was more or less a well written verse - a polarization what have you.

sweat pouring amounts incalculable -

she glares at me with baited breath for the next move in my tome -

First line was noticeably forced in a way that deviated from your first 3 lines. The verse started on a such a high note but it would taper off after the first 3 lines for me. 2nd line, couldn't tell if you meant tomb or what. Overall, a good effort not enough to knock down the big bodied verse

vote - this is dam