Week 10 - breathless (3-5) vs. Buddha (3-4) - BREATHLESS WINS 6-3

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Saturday 23:59 PST (NO EXTENSIONS)

Voting Deadline - Monday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread, preferably all in one post.

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss. If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension.


Topic

"Honor the sacred"



Good Luck breathless Buddha

[breathless]

They say that it's a message from god, their savior...
Who let this destiny manifest itself on our Nature?
Spreading a nation of misplaced common world hatred.
Now we should teach 'em what it really means to honor the sacred.

But how? For their sake, red skin savages are animals.
We were here first... Yet the Spirit search says the damage would be tangible.
If they attack us, just push back until its manageable...
But if they ask for help, it can't be held against 'em, still, this Land isn't owned.

They act like they hold the deeds to the Planet, well, see, they sorta do...
only the bad ones... It's sad, but, honestly, the Eagles had warned us too.
With feathers inflamed, we felt the weather had changed the form of truth.
Shit, we should've scalped 'em all the minute they came this fall and stormed our youth.

Quick, the shock stings loud. Boomsticks, the shots ring out.
So soon, bricks, and plots stringed round... We can not sing now.
Shattered lives once humble bring battle cries and trouble.
Yet they stumble with starvation... Mumbling "our nation."

It's awful, we know not how to be vengeful except when prodded.
Taught all these oppressors to grow crops when their plot's dead.
Hot headed... They got fed... Now they're feedin us lies.
These holy men seem godless while they're preachin divine knowledge.

It'd be dark days for these white, fire tongued snakes tryin to find water.
Prime targets for Nature to reclaim in the name of our Sky Fathers.
So why bother with humanitarian aide of these men?
Maybe... because the Earth Mother showed us that All Creatures...

...even the evil aryans are sacred to Them.

[Zen]

Vent Key: Dedicated to the AOWL


This week I'm dropping different than ever before.
My rhymes are impressive, but the message is more.
I've forgotten this. I've severed the cord.
I hid behind my words. Figured it was best for the board.

In truth, I lost the drive and hid like a coward;
I was in denial, shit, I thought I spit with power
But I didn't. I floundered.
Took the negativity, "This week you suck."
Like, did you even read it you fucks?
But now I get it. I was a heathen in a rush
in a demon's clutch barely breathing.

It was rough.

My heart was broken and a part of me was awoken
I thought was dead but he caught me again.
I'm sorry you were shown this,
but I believe it was largely an omen to clear my mind
Instead of downin' beers with tears in my eyes,
Hittin' the mirror, "You fuckin queer!? You cryin!?"

Now I'm here and I'm fine.
I switched gears; rewind with a clear mind.
I'm just glad it got here in time...

Because I was near death.

See I gotta heart defect, same as my dad,
I suppose my ways was paved when he passed.
I'm reckless - cusp of death, shit.
Too many Vicodin, shakin' attack,
laid on my back waiting to pass to hades like trash,
But something saved me. I'm glad.
Reborn a new man, no, I'm a baby in fact,
learning a new way to rap.
Blessed I made it doing my best to make it
with the rest of the sages that survived death through their pages.
This key is nothing, but the message is sacred.

Happy Thanksgiving.

[timeless]

Breathless - I loved the story, could've went on with this verses for days and Id be siked the whole time. Couple things messed my read up though.. a couple of your stanzas ended on an abrupt note and threw me off a little bit. Wordplay was dope though all around, nothing too serious imagery wise.
Quick, the shock stings loud. Boomsticks, the shots ring out.
So soon, bricks, and plots stringed round... We can not sing now.
like that bar a lot.

Buddha - Im digging this as a key, but as a verse for a league? not so much. didn't really connect to the topic on hand at all. Couple nice lines here and there, nothing worth quoting I'd say. Flow was on point. This just wasn't enough effort to top Breathless.

vote - breathless

[Certain]

breathless: After a few stronger showings in recent weeks, this one felt like a return to your earlier verses. The take on the topic was way too obvious and direct, as taking the quote on face value and writing about the theme of the week pretty much never is a good idea. The content in general was weak, as you didn't really open up any new side to this conversation or expose us to the underbelly as much as tell the story straightforward. Having said that, the writing was mostly good. You still don't quite have the unique writer's voice to carry a verse on that alone, but the rhymes were strong, and you stayed on topic and wrote a logically constructed verse. If you could meld that with better content, you'd have a real shot in this league even without dramatically changing your style or voice. Where you've finished in this league makes some sense to where you are as a writer, doing pretty well and on the cusp of the playoffs but ultimately at the mercy of a more talented but less stable writer. You were one of the more consistent entrants, and for that, I praise you.

Buddha: On any given day, you are much better or worse than you give yourself credit for. But maybe that shifting view makes sense given your wild inconsistency. This verse probably is somewhat genuine, but it still felt a bit too cliche on both small and large scales. There wasn't any particularly interesting writing here, though your most of rhymes came naturally and allowed for a smooth flow. You could have had something if you started with the last segment and built from there and presented a stronger argument for the connection to the topic and used more direct and personal images. Most of this verse was sort of vague, a common symptom of writing from the heart quickly because you're familiar with the circumstances we know nothing about. I think you're a very talented writer. I also think you're an unfocused writer. The latter side dominated this week. The verse didn't have a real connection to the topic. It felt like something you would have written regardless of the topic, which is pretty much the cardinal sin of topical writing in my opinion.

Vote: breathless

[Adonis]

Breathe -honesty brotha....I wasn't really feeling this one. Solid use of given topic, but execution was offf. Thhe rhymes are there, but I get the feeling that is your main focus. It seemed rrhyme/scheme trumped storrry line or even proper sentence. Eg. "Shocks sting loud". I don't think that's ennglish,, but it flowed well. There are other instances but I won't pull anythig else. I woldve liked more depth to the storry line and actually less multies in this rare case.

Zen - hmmm...I enjoyed the end product. 1. Don't mention ho good a verse will be in the begining cuz it makes me look for a reason to call bluff. 2. I call bluff. There were some good bars and meh bars, the transitions were criisp though, which is tough. I don't like the use of topic, but I enjoyed the humor in the end as well the execution of your topic.


This is a very tough vote, both I honestly think fell a bit short for what they were going for. One had. Multie galor with a decent topic but because of the heavy rhyme there were an ample amount of one liners that were. Simply off pputting. The other verse didn't go heavy rhyme scheme, or crazy topic, didn't really go left field at all which is abnormal for zen, instead went simple and clean cut.


In the end I enjoyed the emotion and even humor over the indian/white man war. Iironically, I am voting because. I prefered buddhas flow over breath, because the storys and takes were awash imo.


Close bout

Vote/buddah

[Just Write]

Nice little battle, fl

Breathless i felt like you tried to do too much, some of it felt forced to me, not in a sense of rhyme but just you tried to be too profound which made it seem to stumble a couple times when i read it. Maybe because you were trying to fit everything in ionno. For the most part this was a good read though, i just think if you took a little more time and found a little better word choice this would have been a lot smoother of a read


Buddah, my little weird friend, ahaha jk

Anyways man i think you didnt put in enough effort bro. Ive seen you go hard and this just wasnt there. Why u write an incredible 40line piece everytime u battle me and then this when u battle someone else lol. Anyways this was still silky smooth as far as flow and was just enjoyable enough to me to edge out the victory. No hate but this was a dissapointing battle, ya'll both are more beast than this. Bring it next week brethren
Mvgt=buddah man

[ThisisDAM]

Breathless, this was okay. It def picked up towards the 3rd part. I felt some of the parts ended weird, kinda threw me off the space between them a lil. Basic approach to the topic, it wasn't bad tho. I enjoyed it. Buddha, I'll be honest. As far as verses go, this was very good. If this was just based on that, like a keystyle you'd win. But, I didn't think this went with the topic well or came across as a topical battle style verse. Think that hurt you here.

Vote - breathless

[dead man]

breathless you brought a poignant and well rounded verses fleshing out the experience of the humble native. nothing too cerebral, but effective in it's straightforwardness. i liked the conclusion most of all, because it gave a spin on your vision of 'sacred' for the sake of your tone of voice. human is sacred in way understood by no man truly.

buddha - i think what may account for the issues taken with your verse is it's generalizability. for instance, the topic could have been 'honor the truthful' or 'powerful' or another adjective with connotations relative to your honest message above all. idk man. if you know me you know i am a huge fan of self-reflective writing. i think it's crucial to development as a literate species and i applaud your willingness to become so personal in a competitive situation where that is usually the non-traditional route to take. for what its worth, i think you should continue to experiment with this more instinctive side and see where it takes you. unfortunately, based on the criteria imposed by this particular league in regards to voting (which does NOT simply boil down to personal preference imo), i think breathless takes this one.

thanks to both participants.



1

[NYCSPITZ]

dope battle. was feelin breathless and his delivery a bit more on this one but it was dope regardless. Buddha your message was fleshed out well and deep in its scope, but was almost too sudden and malleable. breathless had more of a continuing thread attaching his thread top to bottom

v/ breathless

[breathless]

Voteses

http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=219852&postcount=6

http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=219516&postcount=5

http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=219857&postcount=9

[Diode]

breathless: this was okay. prodded/plot's dead really bothered me. that's a clown move, bro (baseball joke, don't be offended). it was the straight take given the week these verses were due. the story was basic, the scheme was mostly basic, everything was.. average. you're in a stage where a lot of people either get stuck or elevate. hopefully being involved in this league gives you some weapons to advance. to be currently relevant, either through technique (VV) or storytelling (Frank) or dialog (Certain, Cake).. pay attention and you'll make that transition. as it stands, you're alright by me and so was this. just know you can't succeed by being alright. hope this helps without coming off as mean spirited.

zen: i think your swag and flow battle was in another forum? honestly, i like taking the topic and pointing it back in on yourself. at first i was really put off by the nature of it, but then thought about how many verses are written in the hypothetical first person as the writer presents on behalf of their character. this week, that character just happens to be you. if you'd taken the time and care to expand upon this, i think it would have been both an innovative and easy win. you made it plain to all of us in the chat thread that this was your swan song for the season, however, so i know what held you back was sheer lack of motivation. that doesn't win battles. you could have won this, you should have won this, and the only reason you didn't is because you got lazy with your writing. the subject matter was great, the story was good, but a key is bullshit, zen. i am disappointed. for reals.

v/ breathless

[e11even]

This was a cool read guys.

Breathless- I liked the take on the dark side of thanksgiving/the betrayal of the natives. I think some word usage was misplaced, but the story itself had a soul to it. I feel it could have been stronger emotionally for that extra enthralling factor because out of that it felt a little flat in terms of expression. Overall, cool piece.

Buddha- I felt the emotion in this piece. I felt the anger, pain, loathing and everything else that came along with your story. I think it was very risky to do this outside of OM, but I appreciated the raw feeling. The flow was still very you and very fluid. Overall, not the piece i expected to read, it loosely related to the subject, but to me it was a strong piece.

MVGT Buddha for the emotional and well flowed display. Tired of revoting smh...