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View Full Version : 16 bar I wrote a few months ago. Critique me, please. (Hawk Eyes)


Egocentric
02-16-2013, 11:38 PM
My two peeking oculars spot unpopular flow coppers
Who’s weak visions are cheap like bomb night dollar droppers
I bring the frightful blight as the original show stopper
And expose hypocrite rappers like Mitt Romney’s flip-floppers
I go full retarded and bogart the song to barge this
I’m sick of typical ‘artists’ who claim to go the hardest
You’re some trans-fat lard shit, just some fucking garbage
Do I need to dick slap you just to show you what hard is?
Probably not, it’s hardly something that I’m down with
Struggle as you juggle rhymes, it’s time to be a clown then
My assonance is on it even when I’m lounging
Pounding out syllables; my method is astounding
I exhibit a livid demeanor as a real mud slinger
Spitting this 16 meaner holding up my third finger
If you think you’re buzzing, B, I’m pulling out your stinger
Bleeding slow; I watch you die as your soul lingers

Geno
02-17-2013, 09:34 AM
You have dope. Potential. Some pretty wacky content though. Structure and scheming are good. Just need to better ideas imo. Keep writing. Stick around. OM will get more poppin when the leageus over. Go sign in for more action though.

AOB storytelling/writing league