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View Full Version : WK2: c.d.m. (0-1) VS. Rawn MacDon (0-1) [RAWN MACDON WINS, 6-4.]


King Ra.
02-18-2013, 10:15 AM
Verses are due Thursday 2/21 at 11:59 PST

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Extensions are due Friday 2/22 at 11:59 PST. NO LATER!!!

You must vote on 3 other battles and post links. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.


TOPIC:
http://www.laartmachine.com/voxhumana/images/large/mear-one-transformanation-lg.jpg


Good luck to both participants. c.d.m. Rawn MacDon

veritas
02-18-2013, 10:02 PM
check.

Rawn M.D.
02-18-2013, 11:14 PM
the session commences

veritas
02-21-2013, 08:32 PM
Rawns fraudulent behavior is easily explained:
Of which the narrator will see it ascertained
with hopes to leave your brain entertained……
So without further ado, I give to you::::::::::::


RAWN’s childhood imagination land

Act I

When Rawn was five and started school the children were very mean.
They used to say he lived in a garbage can, and his head was the biggest they’d ever seen.

Added to that, was the fact, he had baby arms and a perfectly square cranium,
One wouldn’t have to be a genius to discern how these kid’s words were paining him.

He tried to tell his father that school sucked, but daddy wasn’t around to be found,
He cried to his mommy, but mommy’s new boyfriend growled then slapped him down

Alone and afraid, the bedroom became Rawn’s sacred cave
The place where he would learn to be strong, smart, and brave

Whimpered as he closed his tear dimmed eyes,
Then he wished so hard that he created a world built out of lies.

See back then it wasn’t lies, it was fun.
The enterprise of his young mind only just begun

He removed his broken heart and hid it in a cocoon,
Then watched it heal as the butterflies flittered in full bloom

Then he built a magical city, it was an architectural paragon
And the best part was its magical inhabitants all loved little Rawn!!

They never laughed at him, or his T-Rex appendages!
They never asked what it was like for his head to have hats as a nemesis???

In this land his dad was there! And you know little Rawn made daddy proud!!
And mommy gave him all the attention he wanted without ever having to be loud!!

---Hugs and kisses---


Act II

But as Rawn grew, Imagination Land changed, and morphed into subterfuge
As imagination de-evolved into the exaggeration of ego’s subtle ruse

Rawn’s mind now weaves an elaborate tale of grandeur like a sktizo
Like how he sold Chuck Norris the first Nokia cell phone….cuz he’s the shit bro!
(Rawn >Chuck)

Or how he was a corporate player in his early twenties, and it’s a fact
That at the same time he was a criminal mastermind, and corporate was just an act

How he flew a private jet and unified physics with a simple mental polish
Rawn is smarter than you after only a couple nights at junior college

Just ask him, trust me, he propels it
Rawns a rockstar: buys it, snorts it, sells it.

He is the smartest, he goes the hardest, so every story you tell?
He topped that.
And every awesome thing you want? You already know…
He copped that

Meanwhile the last surviving citizens of imagination land all try to whisper “stop that”
But Rawn got dem jiggers and triggers so you know he gon pop that

Rawn the Gawd, you don’t want drama, u besta know he’ll let them tec’s spew
While refusing to see he looks like Joe’Pesci’s hermaphrodite ass nephew

And that only a blooming onion gon save him when there’s rent due
He is He-man, Bat man, and the whole A-team mixed in with Sun Tzu

On the beats? he a beast, out of sight, so bet he gon out eat the Klump crew
On the streets? he neva lost a fight, its elementary like he’s your favorite gumshoe.

So u know: Every bitch in the world of which he is keen  he’s humped too
(How could your dad leave and your mom not love you?)

Cuz shit, your IQ is like four digits: 4 thousand 8 hundred and seventy three
Rawn telling everyone he was locked up, and this testifies he’s an O.G.

But shit you already know that:

Rawn is a stone cold killer, a ladies man, and investor,
A tombstone dealer, admit you’re his biggest fan, he’s an inventor

He climbed Mount Everest and cured his house cat of dick cancer
He plays b-ball in hockey skates, got the fade, the handle, plus he’s a sick passer

Rawn is running for governor of his state, bet that he is a shoe-in
His soul is that coal where pressure and diamonds grew in

Rawn is not human. Rawn is a psychologist, a bank robber, an athlete
A porn star, a rabbi, he time travelled and beat Jessie Owens at a track meet

Rawn created Marvel Comics, He can breathe underwater
He is a real life G.I. Joe, he is a real life GodFather

A made man with a spray tan, a hacker, he is Neo in this matrix
His story will suck like the chicks, when he trots past their bases

Rawn thinks we are all beneath him, and of course he would actually:
Because that motherfucker Rawn literally defies gravity

----From reality, with Love buddy---

ACTIII

His imagination land fam is all withered and now dies exposed:
Because the imagination that once fed them, now replaced with lies composed

The moral of the story is now easily reaching Captain Obvious proportions
Rawn: don’t blame Imagination Land for your ego’s pathetic distortions

But good luck with that, oblivious to this ether that leaves u in a mortuary
The real moral is egotistic bluffers are only real in a land that’s imaginary

Fin.

Rawn M.D.
02-22-2013, 12:33 AM
For hours on end the old man lay down on his bed
in soiled sheets, with a stench only his mouth'd compliment
Urine drenched mason jars left ajar for the foul to ferment
lamented tears, n sweat; poured down, scoring his brow and neck.
He lets out a breath...
linseed and aniline, he'd use what they bleed
horse hooves for glue; bristles from their mares, tails n tweed
weighed and graded to fulfill each detail or every need
mixing his paints creating amazing shades, spec to recipe
he lets go off the seeds..
His emotion was focused, as he eased up his easel
passionately prepared his palette; primed, perfect, and peaceful
this masterpiece would be a challenge, given that hes old
memory fleeting, closing his eyes, he torpedoes his ego
rejuvenated, awakened. Fresh blood feeds mosquitoes
The roaches, the fleas, the bees, rats and beetles
no longer mattered, as he stroked the canvas; his keystone
His paintbrush now covered; back-arched staunch faced
reminiscing of his adolescences he starts to paint
memories of skyscraper mountains that reached up parting space
the glare off the windows, the glimmer of gold each shards creates
before the world got so crowded, before agoraphobia and age
before his lower paralysis, the infestations, his rage
he remembered being happy, being proud, being brave
he painted his last masterpiece; his eulogy, his dreaming praise:
'Leaving...Away'

Orc
02-22-2013, 11:49 AM
umm. well veritas was garbage. i dont know what that was. just cuz its epic in size doesnt make it epic in quality. his verse wasnt good last week either but alotta ppl sheep vote i guess. easily swayed. but yea i want the 2mins of my life back it took to read that. rawn was cool. didnt enough to win anyway. he didnt have to do much ha. some real nice phrases tho and word choice was cool to me definitely. thought the ending was really cool and everything led up to it well. so yeah Rawn by a landslide here

Zen
02-22-2013, 12:25 PM
I disagree with Orc sayin cdm wasnt good last week. He was good last week but this week is a completely different story. This went to Rawn easily. Rawn had the better rhyme scheme, vocab, and content. I don't know what cdm was doing tbh. Quality over quanity and Rawn had that. I actually enjoyed reading Rawn's verse but when I was reading cdm's verse I was honestly waiting for it to end. Very weak showing this week cdm but Rawn came with a good verse and took the W here easily

Geno
02-22-2013, 07:36 PM
Wtf is going on in the mind of veritas lately?

Dude. You had the chance to kill a topic this week and prove how dope you are, yet decided to go in a really weird direction with your material. I feel like you were trying to clown your opponant in hopes of gaining favor in votes when actually.. in a topical piece, your doing just the opposite and proving how hard headed you are. I fucks with you man, but seriously.. if your gonna just drop non sense you might as well sign out. Its not interesting anymore bruh.

Rawn.
Thought you merked your piece man. The schemes were sick as fuck and you deliveered some dope concepts along with a pretty tightly knit sstory. This was an easy week for you and it didn't even take half the material that cdm wrote to pull a win off. Good show G.

V-rawn, easy

zygote
02-22-2013, 08:44 PM
Actually thought C.M.D.'s writing was superior. The verse was almost like a challenge, don't see how the interpretation of the image is incorrect "RAWN's child hood imagination land". Perhaps, it gave Rawn an opportunity to respond with "VERITAS fantasy land" but didn't go in that direction which is disappointing. I don't know if this is the place to discuss it but the above comments seem to be focusing on rhyme schemes as a heavily weighted criteria. Yes, C.M.D. had basic rhyme schemes but rhymes like "dies exposed - lies exposed" makes me think the rest was intentional (maybe simplistic rhymes to reflect a child's simplistic thoughts - e.g., "daddy wasn't around to be found.") If we are judging solely on quality of rhymes and not topic, then perhaps we should just drop the pretense of calling it a topical league and call it AOB Rhyming Contest League instead. C.M.D. took a brave approach to the topic which was well written, focused and got its point across clearly. Rawn was good too but largely surface level and descriptive, which in comparison to C.M.D.'s, Rawn's topic discussion felt basic. Preemptive apology if anyone thinks the comments are directed at them, they are not, it's just reflective thoughts not intended as aggressive towards anybody. Voted C.M.D for the superior topic in relation to the picture.

Mike Wrecka
02-23-2013, 10:12 AM
ok good battle. very very close in my eyes.

cdm- I enjoyed this verse immensely. fuk what anyone else thinks really. it was constructed actually rather well in my eyes. and the story it told was epic. yes it got semi basic in some areas but the story pulled me in. now here is where you made a major mistake. you used rawn as the focus of your story. instead of just using him or he you wrote rawn. I actually re read the verse and took out rawn and replaced it with he and it was a million times better. in topicals you don't attack your opponent. that's an unwritten rule in my eyes. a big no no. and you broke it. but damn that storyline was great and you actually took the advice from last week and made the format and structure more understandable. good showing.

G Money - that was a strong verse man. very good structure and rhyme scheme. good take on the topic. didn't dig that deep into it though. kinda glossed it over a bit. but ya your vocab and flow overcame that flaw. and you brought it all together in the end. I wanted a little more imagery with such a vivid picture but ya a very well disciplined verse.


overall- cdm brought the epic story but included rawn which brought a level and tone of immaturity imo. ruined the piece honestly. rawn brought a very disciplined well laid out verse with a good direction. he played it safe a little too much.

vote- rawn

cdm if you hadn't tried to use rawn as your focus and focus more on the picture a bit id have given you my vote.

good battle fellas

Frank
02-23-2013, 05:45 PM
c.d.m's patient study was more of a victory over ronalds psyche. as a physiologist veritas can be quite menacing in this way. he can leech onto another posters soul like a bat at a hell. this verse was utter rubbish but in the demented world of crazy people it was beautifully done. little more explosive next time. fine tune the mechanics and you have a field study for sure. be sure to label this rat with appropriate tag with bold black marker. also sign this picture and send it to his address to further eradicate your victim. little tidbits.

ronald. leaving away? talk about an anti climax. this caught on fire here and there. I think the latter part of the verse was more meaningful for you as a writer. Always remember schemes are a plus. this kind of just shuffled into a dead end street and died. Try and connect more in those final moments. Those are the moments that last a life time.

Overall...
Obviously I can't vote for in.fatu.ation. vote goes to rawn macdon

Nigma
02-23-2013, 11:21 PM
cdm - could see what you were going for, but it came across as cheesy and gimmicky to me. started out kinda sorta alright but it dragged on and was a chore to finish. if you are gonna go in that direction id at least go with a rhyme scheme considerably more elaborate then rhyming couplets with intermittent internals. not much else to say

rawn - you came pretty solid showing a vast array of literary devices and a varied level of complexity in your rhyme schemes. there were metas, assonance, alliteration, ect. and did so while telling a neat little story that complimented your photo.

mvgt rawn

Coup
02-24-2013, 12:21 PM
CDM

Yea, the mechanics were simple, but so what ? I liked the three part act and found it humorous and over the top, especially toward the end with all the ridiculous character traits of the new lala land Rawn. however, I do think it is heresy to say anyone is over the Norris...blasphemy. Go repent. Nice playful slam of Rawn in an imaginative tale...pretty enjoyable because for me it was ...well.... a real story. The humor worked to balance out the simple approach, though not easy to do. I looked forward to each line, and while much of it was silly I think you could have reworked act III to really establish a true closing by providing new information of Rawn's transformation off of what you had built for him in the other acts...kinda a let down to a real good opening a middle. anti climatic.

Rawn -

I like your concept here, actually you had one of the better plays on a picture this week. The old man, his glory days long gone, paints a reminder of himself as a youth. Youth is wasted on the young indeed. Aside from that good connection, this verse seemed a bit short lived and rather incomplete, nothing developed out of the concept idea nor was much explored. Leaving one to ask a rhetorical question: Why was this written ? I don't think more ideas necessarily had to be explored, but it would have made for a more dynamic verse. I understand this is a moot point, but maybe something to consider.

You word placements stood out to me as begin really thought out and seemingly the right choice for each line. Great job here. Being a little dry and boring, this concept was a true representation of the pic nonetheless. Great lines like:

His emotion was focused, as he eased up his easel
passionately prepared his palette; primed, perfect, and peaceful

And as friend Nigma says, "a vast array of literary devices and a varied level of complexity in your rhyme schemes. there were metas, assonance, alliteration, ect. and did so while telling a neat little story that complimented your photo."

Neat indeed, but only the surface was scratched in this tale....take it as criticism.


Vote- CDM

Aesthetic
02-24-2013, 02:23 PM
C.D.M

This is the first time I have seen your work so dont overvalue any of my critique.


Act I

-You come right off the bat with the subject matter and practically the story summed up; Which is definite and assuring when it comes too storytelling. The major problem though, it feels like I have heard this story before. Very basic plot, no climax, and the ending to the verse was way too unfinished for me.

What I didn't like

-See back then it wasn’t lies, it was fun.
The enterprise of his young mind only just begun

It's kind of hard too picture an every day hell transforming instantaneously into an ecstatic representation of his emotional creationism.

-They never asked what it was like for his head to have hats as a nemesis???

I cant tell the point of emphasising 'nemesis???' It seems like you insinuated a joke, or enjoyed your own play-on words. I dont know, but I couldn't really appreciate this bar; It's just a reference of past pretence with a little brightside, I cant really touch it. You should ask yourself why you wrote that and delve on it.


What I liked

-He removed his broken heart and hid it in a cocoon,
Then watched it heal as the butterflies flittered in full bloom

Very abstract, and lively; This also sets up the rest of the piece so its really a key too the feel of the song.


Act II

-Really love the intro, it shows how creation can take the best of us in a sense of egotism. But you lost it after that chuck norris shit, I dont give a fuck about chuck norris lol and on top of that, you would have too make a pretty fucking dope joke to outkast him with a character like yours.

What I didn't like

-Just ask him, trust me, he propels it
Rawns a rockstar: buys it, snorts it, sells it.

Since when was he a drug user? I mean in reality his backround would expect it, but you never mentioned when he tried it and just threw it in there arbitrarily; try too stay topical!

-And that only a blooming onion gon save him when there’s rent due
He is He-man, Bat man, and the whole A-team mixed in with Sun Tzu

If this is for a development of ego, then im impressed.(i critique as I read through the piece, just finished it. Yeah im impressed with the build-up for the ending.)

-Cuz shit, your IQ is like four digits: 4 thousand 8 hundred and seventy three
Rawn telling everyone he was locked up, and this testifies he’s an O.G.

Arbitrary and even controversal, you should have setup his intelligence in Act I rather then midway through the story.

What I liked

I didnt really appreciate too much in the second act, it was all really repetative and random. It feels like you had so much thought too put into this but kind of mashed it togethor or rushed through it rather then taking your time and aknowledging every letter.

Act III

Very good ending man, I feel like everyone has lied to themselves at 1 point in there life so it's almost relatable to everyone; The last bar was what made the piece "The real moral is egotistic bluffers are only real in a land that’s imaginary" I was hoping for a dope ending and you delivered it. Summed the story up, basic, subtle, powerful and revealing!



Rawn MacDon

I like how you describe the mans pain right off the bat, it sets an eerie feel that's complimented by his ego; Your wording is more then exceptional its definite.

What I didn't like

-horse hooves for glue; bristles from their mares, tails n tweed

So it's an old paintbrush?

-before his lower paralysis, the infestations, his rage

You really should have addressed this more directly, I cant tell if the picture was him as a boy or if it's reprecussion, or a egotistical self hate?

What I liked

-rejuvenated, awakened. Fresh blood feeds mosquitoes

-he painted his last masterpiece; his eulogy, his dreaming praise:


I especially liked the "Leaving...Away" It was abstact but noticable.


Summary:

I dont like how limited your references are; You need too address the underlying subject matter and specify certain bars that pertain to events or other lines. Your imagery was spectacular though.


Im giving the vote too C.D.M

He had a deeper storyline that was straight and on point. It also seems like he put a lot more thought into it, which usually means there is a lot more meaning behind the eyes.

dead man
02-24-2013, 11:04 PM
this is obviously a popular battles because of its unconventional matchup. i found it awesome because these two have some discussion history and its rare that those sort of interactions be reflected inside of topical matches, as opposed to battles where discussion posts pretty much dictate how each opponent structures their verse.

veritas made a really risky move here by choosing to not only use the picture as a basis to create a strong narrative, but also as a basis to attack his opponent personally. i think it's apt to ruffle some feathers for "traditionalists" of this type of competition, who are used to seeing one thing and when confronted with another are prone to view it through negative lenses. or even shut it down completely and reject it as something that doesn't fit with their schema of what a top-notch writer's league verse should consist of. however, i think the move veritas made was not only ballsy and original, but also hilarious and consistently entertaining to a degree that many, most, verses i've read fail to achieve. again, it was a risk, but in my opinion, it paid off here. like someone said, if you replaced 'Rawn' with any number of alternate subjects of this trip through delusional grandeur, it would still stand solid as a dope verse. so the way i see it, it makes no sense to discredit the quality of the work itself based on that aspect of it's identity.. it was a niche, it's humor, it's personality.. that said, it's a direction that could only be executed successfully under very specific circumstances and does not fit all occasions. but it worked this week, and i commend veritas for taking that risk..

there are obviously areas where the writing in itself was a bit of an underachievement. i'm partial to a more literary approach but to each his own..



RAWN went with a more reflective approach, from the standpoint of an artist who struggles to put that flashbulb memory on the canvas. i think this spoke volumes in a broader sense than taken at face value. that struggle to come to terms with aging, the change of the scenery, the fading of vital faculties and a host of sociological possibilities. i think my main complaint stems from the fact that you really did not touch upon the transition period for this man. he is here, he is living in squalor, attempting this masterpiece before he reaches death -- but WHY. what is the purpose, what are his driving motives, his energies, his focus? what are his intentions? the snapshots of present contrasted with the past create a solid distinction and give us a pretty clear view of what you're communicating.. but without your own angle on the CHANGE.. its hard for me to feel it.. paralysis was interesting, agoraphobia, i take that as a growing tendency for humans to interact less and less with other humans as modernity progresses.. these are all cool ideas but there was no growth for them here, no closure, only openings. i thoroughly enjoyed how you decided to make this work, but it ended up falling flat for me, ultimately. if you had wrote more, or even dedicated your writing to a more focal construction of this man and his painting.. i would have to grant you this battle based on concept alone. however, everything above aside, veritas managed to genuinely shock me with his contribution this week (something that so rarely happens) where i think he was not only underrated but misunderstood..

for these reasons, i have crunchy dick mouse taking this battle by a slim margin..

tough call, and it may be unpopular, but i votes em how i sees em..

v/ VERITAS

King Ra.
02-25-2013, 05:09 PM
RAWN MACDON WINS, 6-4.