Girls.

[Void]

Yo,

Orange crush love ache. Huffing war dust, with a soft spot for blood stains.
Sharp pains. Butterfly knives flutter. Stomach full of lust flames.
Buzzing. Buzzards up above, wait, limmie bum a couple puffs laced
with something. Shove the drug vein with uppers. Get me unphased.
This wasn't what I want. Taste the rush. Hush the sun. Fade.
Fuck up, fun. My love's paid, dearly, but no one safe hears me.
Come here. I'm a razor blade whisper. Addicted, to the way your brain quivers.
Kiss her, labor pain's blister 'til the shades of grey shimmer.
'til her face displays inner strength and in her hate withers.
I feed off that. The lonely life exposed. Keep you in the dark 'til I'm the only light you know.
Soul designed to close. Open eyes to what I like. I own the mind of those
hopeless types. Savor the moment. Ride it slow.
My gaze is the only place where you won't die alone.
Gimmie. I deserve it. Remember, you were worthless.
I made you what you are. A love who's bound to service,
and you think that you deserve it. Tell yourself you're worth it.
Thank me. What a person. Perfect. Saving you from hurting.
Aiding you in purpose. Raping you. Baby, I'm your burden.

[PancakeBrah]

I feed off that. The lonely life exposed. Keep you in the dark 'til I'm the only light you know.


0 feed? what a joke.

I'd HOF nominate this if I weren't so lazy.

-->All the good things people say about stuff goes here.<--

10/10, an A+

[Darth Yoda]

oh brother! I'm showing her this!

[Certain]

The first six lines felt like little but disassociated free rhyming, which was interesting but certainly didn't inspire me. Then the topic became more clear and the writing became more crisp. And then it became great.

Come here. I'm a razor blade whisper. Addicted, to the way your brain quivers.
Kiss her, labor pain's blister 'til the shades of grey shimmer.
'til her face displays inner strength and in her hate withers.

That was the beginning of where you hit your stride. The rhymes might even detract a bit from how strong the images were. I think we've all been there, been in that place where we can barely even stand to be with someone unless we're kissing them.

And then that visceral love-hate relationship boiled over.

My gaze is the only place where you won't die alone.

That's such a great line that I want it on my divorce papers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbsMnzPl4r4

[PancakeBrah]

Glad this was re-upped. I'm not sure if you're Zombie. Or Darth Yoda. Or dullboy. Or bwhaha. Or Void. Honestly whenever I see a drop by any one of those usernames I assume the same state of mind going into the read. I'll give this "proper feed" as opposed to the gushing fan boy feed I gave it the first time. Although the overall tone will basically be the same, just with a much higher word count and smarter words. It'll probably end up being more fanboy-ish than before, and that's a goal I hope to achieve.

"Orange crush love ache. Huffing war dust, with a soft spot for blood stains.
Sharp pains. Butterfly knives flutter. Stomach full of lust flames."

I like to try and break down pieces more thoroughly than anyone else here because I'm insecure and make everything a competition. When I come to a zomyodboyha piece this makes things difficult because I lose most objectivity. I can't write like zomyodboyha so most of my critical eye is lost. For instance, the opener is an idea set as an image worded in a way I can't do. It communicates so much in so little. The first line is lost on me, aside from soft spot for blood stains which is pretty literal. But the second line is something writers, including myself, attempt to do every time they write a somber toned love piece but can't quite achieve effectively. But it's done here. Sharp pains is okay, but the next two statements are perfect. Someone could critique "stomach full of lust flames" as forcing a multi, but that's wrong. The wording is almost childish but that's the entire point. This isn't a scientific pursuit, it's the description of feel. Knox mai sox off.

"Buzzing. Buzzards up above, wait, limmie bum a couple puffs laced
with something. Shove the drug vein with uppers. Get me unphased.
This wasn't what I want. Taste the rush. Hush the sun. Fade.
Fuck up, fun. My love's paid, dearly, but no one safe hears me."

Buzzards idea is pretty standard symbolism. The first bar after that is great. The wording, as with everything zomyodboyha writes, is the key. In the wrong hands that can be corny because it's been said before. But knowing we're on a text site, and all the history that goes with that, you're able to extricate an original rhyme and a fresh way to say an old idea. And at this point, saying something original is so hard that finding more refined ways to say the mundane is the only way to standout. The use of punctuation is strong, everything is conversational in this piece. It's not an unpunctuated idea, line by line. 'Hush the sun' is another example of great wording, and the fade single word sentence to complete the multi isn't forced or couched, it's entirely necessary and accentuates both the idea and the rhyme. I will say that I like 'fuck up, fun' but 'no one safe hears me' was a lull in the piece.

"Come here. I'm a razor blade whisper. Addicted, to the way your brain quivers.
Kiss her, labor pain's blister 'til the shades of grey shimmer.
'til her face displays inner strength and in her hate withers.
I feed off that. The lonely life exposed. Keep you in the dark 'til I'm the only light you know."

Best part of the piece, specifically the last line that I already touched on my in my previous feed. Razor blade whisper, and the entire third line are a combination of rhymes and ideas/emotion that the rest of OM can't really do.

"Soul designed to close. Open eyes to what I like. I own the mind of those
hopeless types. Savor the moment. Ride it slow."

Just to prove I'm not a complete fagg0t, I wasn't a huge fan of this section. It was good rhyme and flow wise, which goes without saying, but nothing blew my mind.

"My gaze is the only place where you won't die alone.
Gimmie. I deserve it. Remember, you were worthless.
I made you what you are. A love who's bound to service,
and you think that you deserve it. Tell yourself you're worth it.
Thank me. What a person. Perfect. Saving you from hurting.
Aiding you in purpose. Raping you. Baby, I'm your burden."

Complete sociopath, and brilliant. Captures an unhealthy relationship perfectly. When I first started re-feeding this piece I thought my emphasis would be on zomyodboyha's perfect wording. And it should be, because in my mind that's what separates your writing from even the top-top echelon writers like Vulgar and Black. But in this particular piece it's the ability to be remarkable in something that I'm sure has been written about dozens and fifties of times in NC history, and writing every where. If it was just science perfect wording, I would've enjoyed this piece but not on an emotional and relatable level, which I do. It's the conjunction (good word!) of that wording and self-awareness in the writing that makes zomyodboyha's pieces better than the rest. When I see a new piece by zomyodboyha I know it's going to be the best piece I read that day. I used to think it was because he was an alien, but it's really because he's just off-kilter but self-aware enough to articulate past the point of normal people. Plus he's put the time in, from what I've figured out through boarding here. The off-the-bonkers rhyming doesn't hurt either.

GOOD JOB!

[PancakeBrah]

I didn't like the 'Yo,' thought.

[Void]

You just filled my stage with roses. Thank you.

I disliked the parts you did.

'Yo' is me poking fun at the part of me that knows this all started with rap, but isn't rap any longer.

[CopyPat]

only part i didn't like was raping you baby. lol just sounded stupid to me

other than that this is standard smoothness. always an anticipated read when i see a new thread from u in the booth. also keep killin it in the cypher section

oh ps was cool too see u write this in "standard format" rather than paragraphical rawness.