DOPE concept, wordplay integrity & conceptual expansion example

[namix]

Genocide Anonymous Jah Homie Cashius Utmost

waddup ya'll

Utmost is in the process of crafting a banger for this tourney - and while i clearly won't break down every line of every verse to this level of detail

this is (likely) my FINAL example

I know it is long, but PLEASE READ THIS!!!
Conceptual expansion and wordplay integrity opportunities were a very common theme for this group.


It is for you after all -- and I really want to make sure these brain dumps are helping, because they take me longer than you might think lol. -- if they are not, you really need to let me know, no offense taken, I "get it", i was very selective with who gave me guidance back in my day (but that was a mistake i wish I would change if I did it again, because i've spent the back half of my 'text years' fixing bad habits which were ingrained in my writing at that point)


BREAKDOWN BELOW!

[namix]

this is the PERFECT example of an opportunity for what i been talking to the team about re: conceptual expansion -- both how you tied 2 wordplays in, but then also the opportunity:


ORIGINAL LINE
Get broken down wit ease ina sec, ur writin group is weak n vexed
I mean cmon, your rasta far removed from Good, Bud..like bad weed connects

OPPORTUNITY SUMMARY
1. wordplay integrity -- we can tie "rasta" into the line more effectively in terms of the term itself (it works for roster right now better than it does for a "rasta" - because your saying "your rasta" as if it's possessive)
2. conceptual expansion -- in terms of the actual "ah ha!" moment, we're saying "your so far from good bud like bad weed connects" -- when you can turn this into a LOB by taking it one step further, and helping the wording in the process... instead of the clear explanation of "like bad weed connects", lets think of a quick way to make the explanation a bit less direct but even more funny in the process.

BREAK DOWN
In terms of #1 - wordplay integrity
the following makes the 'possessive problem' disappear right away, and keeps the integrity of both "the roster" and "rasta":
"the rasta is so far from good bud..."

In terms of #2 - conceptual expansion
- the 2 opportunities here are about taking a slightly more surprising angle on the explanation while also tightening up the wording in the process....
- by saying "your rasta far removed from good bud, like bad weed connects" -- it just sounds a little weird - like he owns a "rastafarian" - it also makes the reader expect an answer to "what happens since he's so far from good bud" - giving that answer in a creative way will be more compelling than a similie and point-blank explanation.

SPECIFIC EXAMPLES
(note this is EXAMPLE, i am not trying to fine tune wording in my example, hopefully you just see how we can breathe even more life into it -- so dont take it at surface value -just tryna get the wheels churning...)

Synopsis:
You can take the angle of "its so far from good bud" and flip the concept to incorporate (1) the idea that 'its far from good bud even when it's close to it' (see (1) below), (2) the idea that it has to take a different approach to get stoned (see (2) below), (3) the idea that it is so far from good bud that it (cite example of a place far from good bud, see (3) below).

Example 1 - "even if the whole Marley family crewed up, the rasta still wouldn't be close to good bud... "
(so far from it that even when they are close to good bud they still arent close to good bud)
(quick tip, sometimes wordplay like this, which has a "comma" between in one light "good, bud", 'flows' better at the end of a sentence -- but i think you can make this work either way)

Example 2 - "the rasta is so far from good bud - that it had to travel to CVS to catch a syrup buzz"
(so far from it they had to explore other options)

Example 3 - "the rasta is so far from good bud - that it's resorted to smoking moon rocks"
(so far from it that they are smoking something else -- moon rocks, aint much green on the moon and a funny tie to crack lol)
the last one is my personal favorite because it is starting to sound REAL funny now, to me at least


** note, i broke that one down in detail because i think it's GREAT -- and am hoping that breakdown can also help give you other ideas for this verse or others in the future **


PROPS TO CASHIUS FOR THE DROP IN PROGRESS -- AND PROPS TO GENO FOR THE WIN-TO-BE

Anonymous Jah Homie -- hurry up and get me something yo!!! when can i see a quick draft!?

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