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Nice
01-20-2013, 12:20 AM
"Close your eyes, picture the meadowlands of 18th century English castles,
thoroughbreds running on grass hills decorated with checkered ribbons and tassels,
magnificent beasts, moving in the most elegant scrimmage of patterns;
barn side door ways lit up with illuminesence of fiery lanterns
if questions are answered, they're found in the winds of these fields;
secrets revealed, it's the essence of a long lost beauty concealed...

"picture with me a stallion, standing in the distance of a pasture,
black mane, black eyes; reminiscence of a black knight's powerful stature
his name now is "disaster", a champion, bred for nothing but greatness,
his rider? a simple jockey, common man, nothing more than.. nameless
their mission was sacred, be ranked among the best in the world,
win everybody's heart, moms, dads, the little boys and girls,
his illustrious career, never veered off of it's original course
this indigenous horse, since the beginning was an unstoppable primeval force
he was agile of course, he moved in a somewhat intrinsic magical nature
anger in his eyes, stampeding delicately over about 3 and a half acres
so when they packed up his papers, they attached the hitch to the back of the trailer
entered a preliminary match under the alias "the black masked evader",
like a bullet out a chamber, he dashed, like a flash down the track,
the closest opponent? he out lapped.... by I believe a lap and a half,
and after the match, he set an immediate impression with victory
paper's read, "disaster hits track" the rest of the expression is history
he literally won the next sixteen matches, not one single loss
in the land of the "gold cup", he was quickly becoming a god
but if you consider the odds, you too would have seen what was next
the gambling game was off of its rocker, and the bookies were vexed
they decided to settle some debt's, perplexed they meddled with the plans they beset
contacted a vet, and threatened his family if he didn't consent
to deliver their evil intent; to imbed arsenic in the heart of this creature
tears dripped on the inside parts of his eyes, as he started to cry; somber his features.
could be seen from the bleachers, footsteps gathering.. The staggering.. Something was odd..
It was saddening.. Kids crying, "what’s happening?".. Mother’s crying ..."Oh my god"
now let’s take a pause, rewind back to the vet, earlier that day in the stables,
slipped in behind the curtains, poisoned the food he saw prepared on disaster's table
unable able to stand from his acts, he collapsed; impaled a pitch fork in the back of his neck
(here I’d like to stop and mention, that "karma's a bitch, and secrets are never kept")
when they checked him, they found more than just a wallet and a simply I.D.
they were appalled when they saw in his palm, arsenic in a syringe and an I.V.
when the court date came, they locked him away; 3 more years before he'd see the light of day
but it was too late, the poison seeped through his veins, as disaster slowly slipped away
time stopped, we we're froze in this moment, silence came over the crowd, his friends and opponents.
you see.. we we're destined for greatness.. and believe when I say, we would have owned it..
Now were left with a memory, fuck god if this was supposed to be destiny.
Nothing is left it seems, only some unfinished quests and a few ambitious dreams,
Memorial service.. Beautiful, red ribbons shape shifting, dancing in the sky,
I can still remember the day, a frozen moment, all you heard we're sighs.
27 years I’ve lived my life in mourning, you see I’m not just an insider,
I was his friend, his peer, "the warning" to disaster, that common man, his rider.

PancakeBrah
01-20-2013, 01:41 PM
he literally won the next sixteen matches, not one single loss
in the land of the "gold cup", he was quickly becoming a god

^This bar was off. Rhyme was weak and the use of the word literally really took me out of the piece. If you said 'he won' instead of 'he literally won', we would have believed you. The author isn't a liar, there's no need to reassure the reader.

could be seen from the bleachers, footsteps gathering.. The staggering.. Something was odd..
It was saddening.. Kids crying, "what’s happening?".. Mother’s crying ..."Oh my god"

^Probably the best bar from the piece. More complex rhyme than the rest and the aura/feel was nice.

when they checked him, they found more than just a wallet and a simply I.D.
they were appalled when they saw in his palm, arsenic in a syringe and an I.V.

^Flowed pretty well.

Aside: If he impaled a pitchfork in the back of his neck, how did he have court date?

Overall this left a lot to be desired, for me. The story was telegraphed. I'm not saying all Open Mic story pieces need a twist, but if it doesn't have one it has to be focused on beautiful use of language, good grasp of conversation, and general emotion. Maybe some complexity of rhyme for good measure. After reading this I just kind of though, 'ok'. Only because this story has been told dozens of times, in and out of text, and nothing new was brought to the table. There was no context of emotion for me. There was this badass horse, and he died because he was too successful, and you were the rider. Ok. Where's the stomach punch necessary to make a piece like this work? Maybe it was lost in your wording. Sometimes it felt you were a bit too verbose with empty descriptors. Plus the language was awkward in spots. I know for a fact you can rhyme pretty well, because your standard Open Mics are multi-heavy kill shots. I respect going with a different tact, but nothing really stood out to me. I have no problem believing you could craft a fine story piece with your technical skills in mind, but this wasn't it. Keep writing, though. I could just be full of shit.

Nice
01-20-2013, 02:31 PM
No i agree 100% bro.. This left a lot to be deaired. This is probablg 3 years old.. Just found it on my computer so i dropped it. Thanks for the in depth honest feed. Hit me up anytime with a link for the favor returned. Just got a new battery for my personal laptop so my feed should be more consistent from now on. Cheers cake

EndSane
01-20-2013, 02:47 PM
I agree a lot with what pancake was saying. You developed the character disaster really well I thought. The introduction and parts of the middle of the verse was dope. Had great imagery, descriptive wording, and great formatting. U were connecting with me and then somewhere in the middle to end the story was lost. You set up a perfect scenario about this horse and rider.

It seems as it was forced or a little lackadaisical... Not going to hate here cause I give up on stories too if I get disinterested in them. But also like cake said bro you need some sort of twist.. There was some sort of one its just wasn't money. It was aight but not not anything like wow I didn't see that coming. Overall this was good and there was some things I liked and some things I did not. Three years ago u weren't bad and next time I'd put that somewhere in there before I post...

Natural
01-04-2014, 07:11 AM
Bump.
This got slept on

Split
01-04-2014, 08:50 AM
Nice was a heavy biter. I believe this piece was bitten from Three Planes Aligned.

jdeek
01-04-2014, 09:25 AM
this was cool. not usually my thing, but i made it all the way through it...so it kept me reading to say the least. you did have some solid imagery right out of the gate...and ya told the story pretty well...but i agree that towards the end it started slippin' a little bit. i like the idea behind it and i think you pulled it off well enough.