AOWL WK 3: Vinzr (0-0) VS. Aesthetic (0-0) [VINZR WINS, 7-1.]

[King Ra.]

16 lines minimum, 32 lines maximum.

Verses are due THURSDAY at 11:59 PST.

Extensions are due FRIDAY 3/1 at 11:59 PST. NO LATER!!!

You MUST check in.

You must vote on 3 other battles and post links. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.


TOPIC: A whole is that which has beginning, middle and end.


Good luck to both participants. Vinzr Aesthetic

[Aesthetic]

Yo im here

http://artofbattling.com/forum/showthread.php?4481-AOWL-WK-3-dead-man-(2-0)-VS-pohfig-(2-0)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES

http://artofbattling.com/forum/showthread.php?4478-AOWL-WK-3-Genocide-(1-1)-VS-Camp-bell-(1-1)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES

http://artofbattling.com/forum/showthread.php?4477-AOWL-WK-3-zygote-(1-0)-VS-c-d-m-(0-2)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES

[Vinzr]

I'm here

[Aesthetic]

THROUGH THE STORM

Lightning cracks the mass, the ocean turns its back.
Through the storm we must travel never doubleback.
The beginning is fire but ecstatic I am extant.
For the eye of the storm is diplomatic to an extent.
Ravaged Wind bursts shatter the hull(whole)
Snapping what we started just hoping to see gulls (sea gulls)
But to end is what we see, no longer lethal.
Too expect essence is nothing more then people.
Watching Purpose defeat perseverance.
As if you cannot turn back with reverence.
Gladly I Tend tethered embers death mends with remembrance.
And push through the storm and see made amends.
The Eye See's clearly, beginning impends.
For what thou feel now be struck down with impudence.
Because this prevalence cascades with defiance.
Yet again to battle a wave with wind is crude.
But Without a weapon or boat can you change your mood.
And once it subsides after the storm is through.
Your sight glows peripherals and recall you didn't feel.
You grew..


Without pain, anguish and understanding can you be at peace; Yourself, The eye of the Storm.

Written:

Fear and the storm destroy what thou needs to get through it, life turns it's back. Never change or run from pain, it makes you stronger in every aspect. Too push forward with now, this feeling you create. Reason with the task ahead and understand it's goal. Your thoughts will be torn down like an ego yet still remain. You will want to give up, but remember that from death there is life and from ugly there is beauty; Only from 1 or the other can you see the twin. Your perception of end is always life, strive. What you are and who you can become is power that of gods, you dont have to create motivation just create faith. When you are the prestige of thought entice onward still and gain even more reverence. Help the pain thoughts create from preface. Once you are at peace, you must be torn down yet again. Because you must acknowledge how you attained this. Once you can see, everything grows with you rather then against you.

You must fight with this knowledge and see beyond the feeling.
And understand the storm.
Feel the emotions..

Yeah Yeah fuck punctuation and grammar, as long as you understand me Im happy.

[Vinzr]

The broken letters fill the void of open treasures
Trendsetters scoop in on their righteous endeavours
Heightened embers rise above the sights of heaven
All hell has broken loose, burning the nightly crescent
A tune titled “Almighty reverend” brings unsightly visions
A deity has risen delivering trifling, undying wishing’s
The night has stiffened, devils climbing through the gaping holes
Preserving and saving souls, all so they can begin creating moulds
But the haven we once called home has now fallen below Earth
Hell has given birth to a new world, a dimension filled with hurt
The havoc that has broken has opened a new place overlapping the old
It opens at the fold, atmosphere bursting – soaking in the cold
Warriors flock among the battlefields fighting for remains
Scavenging at sight, conflict evokes, heightening the slain
Cycling the pain around the Earth, as it revolves around violence
The chambers emptied out and at the throne sits a tyrant
Raises his arms to bring in silence, all heads turn his direction
Claiming his place as he gazes, smirking at his infection
The Earth burns… yet spins the same way as it did before
If life had no beginning, middle and ending – then why would it be worth living for?

[Zen]

Good first week showing from both you fellas you both got two different styles. So lets get to the vote.
Aesthetic: Good verse really but it seemed to me like it was missing something. The message you were trying to portray came through but your rhyme scheme seemed bland in some parts imo. I would say add in some inner rhymes or change up the rhyme scheme every now and then to keep it new and different. Just some constructive critism lol. But good drop and I really enjoyed the paragraph at the end.
Vinzr: Did you really write this fucked up? It doesn't seem like it I call bullshit lol. But really I felt you had the more elaborate rhyme scheme and to me captured the quote better to me. You tackled the quote on a literal level and I think it payed off for you in this battle. Nothing much for me to say to you other than dope drop.

In the end my vote goes to Vinzr but as I said before good drop from both of you

[Inno]

Aesthetic

you had a cool piece man. great imagery and flow to it. the scenerio wa painted nicely and your story came across easily. you had some cool wording at some points and some pretty dope lines scattered all through this piece. the essence, people line was fucking dope man. the story progressed nicely as well though at times it felt like it was going a bit fast it was cool. the first part is my fav so far man wasnt really feeling the written part. it felt flat and uninteresting...first part was dope man.

vinzr

your wording and scheme are on fucking point man you had some dope shit going through out this. the progression and transitions from line to line was smooth as fuck tho. but i felt like this didnt really have to much direction as far as story goes..i mean the rhyming itself and the words you chose fit well and meshed, but felt like the stroy didnt really develop for me..also that last line tbh doesnt really fit for me. the rest of the piece.. i picture a city being taken over by an enemy...breaching the city and taking over..good shit.

overall

i got Aesthetic taking this. i thought his story came across a bit easier with the same amount of skill vinzr came with. the written part hurt aesthetic but i felt he did enough to take the W. vin had some dope rhyming but i felt his story lack and for that im voting for thetic.

[Mike Wrecka]

cool battle.

aesthetic- the blue font gotta go. lol. anyway this was cool in parts, but pretty basic in others. needed more multis and inner rhmes. good vocab though. and good message. the written paragraph, well not sure what that was. this is a rhyming topical league so that seemed out of place. good showing though

vinzr - nice verse. I enjoyed it. good rhyme scheme structure and word choice. opened strong

overall - while aesthetic had some good thoughts and concepts I feel that he was in only rhyming one word at the end of each line mode for too much of the verse. Vinzr had the superior rhyme scheme and it pulled out the W.

vote-vinz

[Aesthetic]

Yo momma's gottta gooo

Still getting use to this thanks yall for the votes!


Too present visions, I was hoping for an easy read and understanding more then complexity. For the poets, read it like a poet. For the gangsters, read it like a fucking gangster. All my shit is abstract.


No im not new too this, Idk if you cats cant understand my lyrics or what lol help me see what you want so I can influence you.

[Geno]

Aes.. can tell your new to this a bit.
Had some nice ideas formulating but I feel like your execution made it drag and still not connect very often. Mechanics are lacking heavy in your verse. But don't stray.. your in the right place and as the weeks go on you'll get better and better.

Vinzr.
You came in and pretty much proved to me tthat you've been writing for a while. Had a smooth verse and stayed on point. Did well with the topic and I'm now wondering where you came from.. alias I wonder?

V-vinz. Had the better all around verse

[Nigma]

Aes, you showed your potential in depth through what you said, however your rhymes were lacking complexity which took away from the read a bit. Aside from practicing, I'd recommend voting on as many battles as you have time for to help grasp the small things people do. This will also make you think critically and teach yourself what you like in others writing and hopefully have some of it rub off on you.

Vin, solid showing, didn't do anything exception conceptually but had an enjoyable rhyme scheme and painted some nice, vivid pictures.

The league appreciates two debuting writers showing up!
My vote goes to Vin

[Split]

Aesthetic.
youre no new battler?

anyways. thought you had cool word choice, terrible wordplay, and some rough wording. i think writing can fit into a topical so long as its got some sort of poetic feeling to it, definitely didn't catch that here, felt more like a hurried plot device. it was an ambitious angle that didnt quite play out. keep at it m8, there were some quotes like

Gladly I Tend tethered embers death mends with remembrance.

that sounded real cool... but also the words made sense but didn't fit together right. like way too man clauses jammed together or somefink

Vinzr.

nice scheming. I can see where u might come across as new, jumping on to cliches/ quotables that are powerful but dont really key in right to where u put them in your verse. like "it revolves around violence" but you werent really describing anything.

but the take was also pretty cool and grand and mystical so props


v/ Vinzr I liked how he threw his words together better

[Pent uP]

Aes -- Pretty good grasp of metaphors. The second part made the first part feel...ruined. It felt like you were too hesitant to let us figure out the metaphor ourselves so you just put a whole bunch of spoilers in. That metaphor itself would've been dope if you just ditched the second part and kind of expanded the connections between the storm and the Self. I liked how you capitalized "purpose" and made it personified while keeping it part of the metaphor. Overall your verse showed lots of potential but there wasn't anything stand out about it.

Vinzr -- This is the only verse I had to read twice this week. Not to understand; but to fully enjoy. I love when that happens. The summation made in the final lines played right into the beginning and made me understand how useless all that treasures and adventures were and why the tone was almost lackadaisical (not in terms of writing but writer tone, it was effective). It ready very quickly and was easy on the eyes but held a good amount of content in its subtext and ended up being pretty impressive. Keep doing it.

vote -- Vinzr for having done something outstanding with his concept.

[Ink]

Aesthetic: First thing I notice is the lack of commas... I think it will help your cause greatly, especially if the way you chose to write this one... I know you said fuck punctuation and grammar... but you're trying to get better at writing, and punctuation and grammar is a pretty important part of writing. It helps the reader understand what you're trying to say.
This isn't the best I've seen from you. I liked how you started off, but it slowly started unraveling for me from the third line on. I found myself having to stop and navigate some awkward phrasing and word choice in order to figure out what you mean.
Example: The beginning is fire but ecstatic I am extant.
For the eye of the storm is diplomatic to an extent.
I like the idea you were trying to get across here, but that first line was very poorly constructed and ruined that moment.
That was kind of the theme for the whole verse.. I could see where you were trying to go and the cool idea behind it all, but the execution was lacking.. especially that second half. I think that's why people keep thinking you're new.. the execution here lacked refinement. I know you're capable of much better though

Vinzr: Your opening made me stop to make sure I wasn't reading Aesthetic's verse still haha..
This read real smooth, until this line below..
The havoc that has broken has opened a new place overlapping the old
And then it was smooth again. That line just made me stop a moment and have to reread to make it work. You did a good job of being descriptive enough to draw the reader into the scene you were portraying, but not being so descriptive that it slowed the pace of the story down to a crawl. I wish you had worked out an ending that didn't directly use the topic though. It felt a little lazy.

Vote: Vinzr. This week, he had a much better verse all around..

[King Ra.]

VINZR WINS, 7-1.