AOWL Week 4: bleak (0-1) VS. Zenland (1-2) [ZENLAND WINS, 5-3.]

[King Ra.]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum.

Verses are due THURSDAY 3/7 at 11:59 PST.

Extensions are due FRIDAY 3/8 at 11:59 PST. NO LATER!!!

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You must vote on at least 3 other battles and post links. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

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TOPIC: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iqfm_6D3Xmg

Good luck to both participants. bleak ZenLand

[Zen]

check. g'luck

[bleak]

wonderfully brilliant beat choice.

[Zen]

Just usin the name of the beat not using this verse to go with the beat. Quick drop inspired by mine and Split's debate in the prediction thread.

America the Great

Where's my respiration? My breath is takin away from debts and wages,
I'm left in rages forming preperations to level nations and create seperations
From domestications, You don't realize we've stepped in cages,
But I've kept my patience looking for the best of saviors like moses,
Focus, Look past the hocus pocus and notice that what they've shown us
And put forward is bogus, "Money doesn't help the poor but hope does,"
Of course they loathe us, They're forced to blow up and besiege the leeches
As bombs drop like swarms of locusts, The door is closed up,
The rich are chosen after wars settle the scores with big explosions,
We're left with mixed emotions probably since the economy is in a fixed erosion,
While kids are hopin the mages of Wall Street can fix a potion
To ease the wound, But they keep it open, The bloods seepin and flowin
On the streets they grow in, But they say they'll be peace in a moment
And we believe it to, why can't we see the truth?
I'm pissed to the core left wishin for more, I need a lift to soar,
They can't feed us, That shit's a chore, but they need us to get their force
To get sent to wars on two trips and tours without mentioning what for,
Thousands lifeless and you wonder why it's like this, What's rich without poor?

[bleak]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iqfm_6D3Xmg

Scratch that ZenLand I keyed something up.

Starts @ :18, a bar before it drops.

Seekin a reason to show emotion on the forefront
But I'll just keep it to myself and blow some more blunts.
Holla... I've been fightin for every dollar.
Askin god for talks but he alludes to other callers.
Fighting thru the bottom, solemn in this town at night.
Can't solve a problem thats resounding thru the ground with might.
A virus, that's chokin air out of the bystanders.
The lowest cities strain the people with these high standards.
I'm gettin more than sick of askin these questions.
Now my answers come in grams just to mask the aggression.
The mission is easy? it's the vision of grief
Time served in the alleys gave these tricks up my sleeve.
Sickened and bleedin, with street lights to guide the path.
5-0 creepin, hold my breath when they ridin past
It's respiration when I dodge a set of handcuffs.
Cause any flaw in what you say will get ya man snuffed.
Hand clutched 'round nines until my time froze over.
I'm fighting for my breath, I thought those last lines told ya?
Ask the higher power why my mom was living with cancer.
Shooting for the stars... till I'm given an answer.
Word.

Hook
So much on my mind that I can't recline
Blastin holes in the night til she bled sunshine
Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline
Heard the bass ride out like an ancient mating call
I can't take it y'all, I can feel the city breathin
Chest heavin, against the flesh of the evening
Sigh before we die like the last train leaving

[Split]

Up over EXTs

[IamBenT]

Aw man one of my favorite beats right here yo@!!! I'm buggin out right now!

ZenLand - Wow man, your multies are really nice, this is not too easy to do. I felt all the -tion rhymes in the beginning hurt you a bit, but your message was real on point, my fav part was when you rap it up in the end, "whats rich without poor", that dichotomy is the accepted world order and probably the heart of most of the evil in the world today. You have great ideas in this verse, I just wish you could sink it with some stronger, more visceral images, for example tell me about the old lady barely making it, the brothers dying in the streets cuz they got nothing else, etc.. help me to see that, rather than philosophize on it, so we can really see your art. cuz you have all the tools.

Bleak - the best part of your verse was the hook lol jk on the real, i liked this verse alot, the flow was pretty solid throughout, some lines could have been parsed a bit to get directly to your image but your word choice in this was really spectacular, i could visualize each image and then end when it speaks of mom with cancer, that got to me and made me sit up and really pay attention. strong sense of voice throughout this piece as well.

Vote -Bleak, although I love what Zenland is throwing out there, I feel Bleak had a better put together verse with more creativity and imagination that I appreciated.

[bleak]

Upping over inevitable no shows.

[ZeeDee]

Zenland, some good points made in our verse, kinda cliche overall, but with good flow to carry it made it cool too. The ending wraped it nicely, was more than just something to say to wrap it up and I appreciate that from writers. Political verses have to make a clear cut point and u def did that with yours and your narration made it a cool read.

bleak, the blunted flow expressions of life.. this was a bit deeply personal and it reads like that with some pain in the naration. I feel it... and even more important, u expressed it clearly with good flow and still staying grounded thru struggles and shit... taking a blunt back to reflect on life and just give a little of tht reflection.... cool shit, I appreciate that...


Vote bleak... had more depth and narrated with better and more intereting content

[zygote]

Zenland excelled in the aspects of multirhyming, only criticism is that some lines are cliche (E.g., The ending) also in some parts it seemed like you would use a simile/metaphor just for the sake of using one (E.g., "The Wall street Mages"). Bleak, felt the story was superficial, seems like you wanted to go the hard-struggle approach but it was too descriptive and lacked emotional depth, even when discussing the emotions it was only on a surface level. E.g., the revelation at the end about the Mom has cancer. Highlights for you verse was the bystanders line. Voted for Zenland.

[Witty]

Zen - I liked this, it was like a rant and the topic has been done before, but honestly it is something that can always be written about and will always be an important topic not just in writing but in the world in general, so there is no reason you shouldn't write about it just because plenty have done so before. Your rhyming and flow was on point throughout, the were a few minor syllable mismatches but honestly I only noticed because I like to keep mine tight at all times, it really wasn't a problem, I'm just being an asshole lol This was a cool piece, I feel you could have went further into it and really offered some fresh views on how you think the situation could be resolved, it felt like you were pointing out what is wrong and why it is wrong, an opinion on how to change it would have rounded this piece off nicely, but it was a very cool piece man, props.

Bleak - This would make a pretty cool song, but in all honesty i didn't really understand what it was about, the rhyming and flow were there and the imagery and emotion were at the forefront of the piece, they made it a very interesting and cool read, but I feel everything was face value, there wasn't really anything deeper than the words in the piece, I didn't get what you were trying to go for, what message or moral the piece was giving out, I'm pretty sure there was something there, and that I missed it..but it just felt like random rambling about struggling, without going into any further detail. As I said, when it comes to the technical aspects this piece was pretty flawless for the most part, and well written...I just didn't get much feeling from it, like I enjoyed it but when it ended I was left needing explanation as to what the piece was really about, I hope that makes sense.

This was a cool battle, I think both could have done better, but the pieces were dope and I really enjoyed reading them both.

Vote - Zenland.

[Frank]

Damn

Okay *turns off beat*

Crazy.

Zenland, for somebody with dial up connection you still got optimum flow. You said you didn't have access to the instrumental and wrote it on the wing, and you still managed to express pain the beat exemplified. I thought what you wrote was inspired and usually when someone says "I got inspired from such and such" I get uninspired. But I could tell you were driven and the flow came out like a breathe of fresh stale air.

Bleak, verse came off to that beat. Felt your grief in a few of those lines. 'street lights to guide the path/ 5-0 creepin, hold my breath when they ridin past' hood shit. shooting sunshine, shit got crazy visual in the chorus


overall

this is tough man. but ima roll with zenland because I saw the exchanges he had with split in the thread talking about the school system and such and I respect that he put those thoughts into rhymes like that

so vote - zenland

[Split]

Zen

I find it it funny you couldn't hear the beat, but wrote lines that flowed perfectly over it. Message was nice and refreshingly presented like

They can't feed us, That shit's a chore, but they need us to get their force
To get sent to wars on two trips and tours without mentioning what for,
Thousands lifeless and you wonder why it's like this, What's rich without poor?

Word. I thought the longer lines fit your style really well and came off smooth no stutters


Bleak

This was real. Cool key style to match the song, flowed easy with some nice vocab and phrasings that seem unique.

V/ZenLand. Both were enjoyable reads but Zen had the more directed and fully fleshed out verse, that made it feel mor like a piece, an had a bigger impact, and felt less like a X Line Keystyle

[Split]

Zen

I find it it funny you couldn't hear the beat, but wrote lines that flowed perfectly over it. Message was nice and refreshingly presented like

They can't feed us, That shit's a chore, but they need us to get their force
To get sent to wars on two trips and tours without mentioning what for,
Thousands lifeless and you wonder why it's like this, What's rich without poor?

Word. I thought the longer lines fit your style really well and came off smooth no stutters


Bleak

This was real. Cool key style to match the song, flowed easy with some nice vocab and phrasings that seem unique.

V/ZenLand. Both were enjoyable reads but Zen had the more directed and fully fleshed out verse, that made it feel mor like a piece, an had a bigger impact, and felt less like a X Line Keystyle

[Ink]

ZenLand:
I kept picturing Mos Def as I was reading your verse... The ending line was dope, your beginning line was noticeably less so... The topic wasn't fresh or new.. probably one that everyone has done atleast once in their writing career. You brought up some good points and such, but I wish you had delved into these points a bit more.. Overall, it read a bit like a list of facts rather than something more substantial.. From a technical aspect, not really anything I'd want to pick out as being bad.. The lines did feel a little stretched at parts, but I personally think the notion of judging flow based on a written piece is a bit ridiculous, so I don't really put much weight into that area.

bleak:
For a key, this is pretty impressive, and this is the kind of chill beat that works for it. Like ZenLand, the topic here wasn't ground breaking by any means... But it was enjoyable to read.
Blastin holes in the night til she bled sunshine
was dope.. reminds me of that one song by Atmosphere..

There wasn't really much to delve into for either piece, as both were very blunt and direct with the points they were making...

Vote: bleak. Overall, I just enjoyed his more this time around..

[patrown]

zenland -
"Where's my respiration? My breath is takin away from debts and wages,
I'm left in rages forming preperations to level nations and create seperations
From domestications, You don't realize we've stepped in cages,"
i think a dropped S now and then could have helped me not skip a beat throughout the intro.
not too big of a deal, and not voting on it.. but some are here for advice- so that's mine.
"While kids are hopin the mages of Wall Street can fix a potion
To ease the wound, But they keep it open, The bloods seepin and flowin
On the streets they grow in, But they say they'll be peace in a moment"
thank you sir- may i have another?
the W alliteration helped in the last couple bars.. as far as mechanics goes, you fucking nailed it.
that message is clear. i feel a need to go past what we hear, and what we see.. or better yet, what's fed to us.
all i could ask for from this is a little bit of an explanation on maybe how we DO get past that jaded vision our history classes instill in us. but i really feel your message ( we need to rise against the status quo imposed on us by a government we have no say in-there isn't anything but god between us and our decision to follow that lead blindly-the very machine we hope will save us from ourselves is actually an instrument of our demise-..) and give you props for puttin it up front and in our face like you did. observations are on point, direction desired, overall- nice drop.

bleak:.. i heard something like this before..
"5-0 creepin, hold my breath when they ridin past
It's respiration when I dodge a set of handcuffs.
Cause any flaw in what you say will get ya man snuffed."
but freal, i felt these bars.
"A virus, that's chokin air out of the bystanders.
The lowest cities strain the people with these high standards.
I'm gettin more than sick of askin these questions.
Now my answers come in grams just to mask the aggression.
The mission is easy? it's the vision of grief
Time served in the alleys gave these tricks up my sleeve."
that's real talk no matter which way you look at it.

/v- zenland - as was said before, i really didn't take as much from bleak as i did from zenland. although honestly on a track- i think bleak's might have sounded cleaner.. zenland delivered a more clear picture.

[King Ra.]

ZENLAND WINS, 5-3.