ROUND ONE: (16)Mr. J vs. (17)Witty - (WITTY WINS 6-2)

[PancakeBrah]

The Winter Topical
Mr. J Witty

Topic
http://i.imgur.com/vv1e1Bs.jpg

Check In Deadline: 1/11/2014
Verse Deadline: 1/15/2014,11:59 Pacific
Voting Deadline: 1/18/2014 (4 Votes Required)
Extension/Line Extension by request. Must be agreed to.

Good luck to both.

[Mr. J]

Am I under pressure, or just lost in an acceptable route
searching for meaning especially in this respectable doubt
with enough tears to fill the ocean, but never letting it out
never mentioning it...proud, sent out for the sake of society
with my own mentality, slowly waning, I'm breaking silently
I hold it together, to see "hope" and all it's brethren variety
did I mention anxiety? an urge to break free from scolded youth
a reason to be paid so I could easily make it and go to school
probably not...I probably got sidetracked in my hopeful views
lies cloaked with truth, what was I really supposed to do?
walk away with a gun raised? hoping that one day to have my son raised
beach side, sun rays, tanning on life's emotional street that's one way...
a flare hits the sky, BOOM, we circle the landscape...
that's all I remember before I wake from my last day..
civilized behind the register waiting for a check, my last raise
I scream out of terror, simply trying to get my facts straight
now I'm focused on tracks made, smoke leading to the crash
hoping I get mistaken for dead between the debris and the ash
alone...I need to find help, it's needed in completing my task
my ideals are probably where my allegiance is at..
no time to grieve, survival was the only thing I'm seeing..
in fact, at the time it was the only thing I believe in
and if it wasn't for the smoke, I wouldn't be a living achievement
I wouldn't be given the treatment, another lost soul...
searching for an apostle, rotting beneath where the crops grow
without a proper burial, just remembrance of how I got sold...
how I got told to be what I can be, another prop mold...
another job thrown out the window, respectable innuendo
taking in all of the lies with most of the predictable info
not realizing what I could lose and all I'm getting myself into
goddamn it's a shame, but thanks to chance & luck
I was able to survive due to our own advance up front
with a 1,000 other men who would have looked passed the stunt
the failed observance of the men who glanced above
shot down by the other bastards...fuck...
your observance would never help capture us
but when I was found I couldn't hold back the cut
the feeling of death...
feeling that what doesn't matter...does...
now I'm sitting here in this room telling you the tragic slump
taking these prescriptions until I've had enough
then you tell me...I'm not getting this transfer done...
I'm not capable of handling what made this man a cunt
I'm willing to fight again, I'm not your average fuck
what made me weak, makes me strong...
now I need this fucking chance to make it back to the front

[Witty]

Exhausted and soaking, from being tossed in the ocean of thought
And I'm floating, loss of emotion is the cost of devotion
To the cause that I'm hoping will bring God to the broken
And though I'm agnostic, the notion keeps me walking
Through the smog and the smoke while I'm coughing and choking
Because...
Your version of life is my version of death
And the person who's right is the person who's left
So we curse and we fight, we surge and we fret
Get hurt and regret, apologize, reverse and reset
Rain is pouring, it's dark....they say that war is an art
The body a canvas, the bullet a heavy brush stroke that tore it apart
And though deplorable, our very nature is kill to survive
Taking the life of other children so your children can thrive
We only seem to focus on the physical side, we weep for the fallen
While those who still stand are wishing they'd died.

I stand and wait for the fight, as the day fades and gives way to the night
The moon's radiant light, reflecting off the blade of my knife
I see my face staring back, looking cold...pasty and white
I pray for my life, to one day be back in safety with my baby and wife
But there's no God to intervene, no man in the sky
All we have is scarred and splintered dreams, we've been abandoned, to die
We're a confused and bitter species, and the reason we hurt
Is because we have our minds in the heavens but our feet in the dirt
I see the injured lay bleeding, inert, I block the screams from my ears
Squeezing the tears back, telling myself there's no reason to fear
Though evil is here, and I'm weakened, feeble, and mere
I am not scared, I pursue, this is my fate and my essence
And though he's barely in view, I feel the weight of his presence
The moon over head in the shape of a crescent
Casting shadows that shapeshift, playing tricks on my eyes
As clouds gather to a fog that lays thick in the skies
I mount my dark horse, steeling my nerves as I climb the saddle
And my enemy let's out a cry that rattles through the night
It's time for the final battle.

Our claims to believe in peace, are tainted with evil deeds
Some claim that we're demons seeds, giving Satan his sweet release
The hate that we speak recedes the haven we seek
We pray for the meek, yet we pray on the weak
We're a race of hypocrites that evolution placed at it's peak
I cut my mind into sections, there's kindness, depression
The eye that turns blind at the sight of opression
I praise love yet I crave blood and mindless agression
We try to see the universe but not the truth because it truly hurts
But maybe we aren't crazy, and the truth's where our delusions lurk

This is a fight to the death...I throw a right, and a left
Then introduce my knife with a slice to his chest
I'm precise and I'm deft, concise and possessed
Determined with all my might to end the life of this pest
I strike the killer blow, the knife sinks into his spine
And as he lays there dying, I hear him whimper and whine
In his final moments, I see his innocence shine
I see the fear and the fright begin to smolder in his eyes
So I embrace the beast inside me and hold him 'til he dies.

[Objective]

Mr.J: Cool intro, enjoyed the tears-line as it went on. What I didn't enjoy, and usually don't, is ABCABC-rhymestructures because it kinda disrupts the flow. It's hard to pull off and you didn't really do that here in my opinion although I see the out-proud thing as a transition. The trnasition variety to anxiety was a lot better though and the natural progress of the flow in the piece came with ease.

The storytelling itself is fluent and I can follow it easily, there's always plus points to be had for that. But as it goes on I feel you fell in the same trap like you did in the start in terms of the rhymescheme (from window-into), I see what you're trying to do but it disrupts it a bit for me and there was no transition to the next line either. You're probably switching up the flow or something, but I didn't feel that this wasn't the right time for that.

When I was done reading it I really felt that you need some extra cred for going through with such a fluent story throughout. Easy to follow and understand, straight forward and engaging. I actually wanted to see how it went with this man. I guess he wont be put up front although he wants to, too much potential for suicidal tendencies roaming the air, but shit's definitely dope as fuck in terms of the story. There were hiccups in the flow here and there, a couple oneliners that stood out and the verse itself as a whole was pretty cool. Decent job on this one Mr.J.

Witty: Attention grabbing opener, but at the fourth line it disrupted the flow a little bit. Another syllable would have helped that. When you focus this much on flow and rhyme-structure I feel it's important to note as you keep going with that kinda style after ''because...'' as well. I enjoy the progression of the piece but at the last couplet in the first paragraph I kinda disliked that there were no real connection to ''fallen'' in the following line. I enjoy the switch-up in the flow as ''died'' indeed works with the internal in the previous line, but I felt that another connection to ''fallen'' would have made the last couplet 100 times better.

The next paragraph follows the same style and picks up on the rhymescheme from the previous paragraph and you keep it on point throughout, dope shit. The storytelling is cool as fuck too, enjoy where this is going.
Same thing can be said to the next paragraph as well, got nothing to add really.

The last paragraph really wrapped up the story and the closure put the topic to its full potential. You really painted the picture here. Overall a dope, solid drop.

Vote: You guys were given a really famous picture I've stumbled upon plenty of times in my adventures of internet browsing, so it was cool to see it in this context. Although Mr.J really showed he can follow through with great storytelling that kinda shows this dude got mad potential to write short stories as well as verses I felt Witty came out on top in this one. Witty stood out in how he portrayed his story with a great rhymestructure that was 99% on point and had a great twist at the end that you could really tell that he had the topic in mind while writing his piece.

To clarify; Witty gets my vote.

[Certain]

Mr. J: This was one of the two best verses I've read from you, along with your verse against me. And this was much more streamlined than that. You really captured the mind of a soldier perfectly here and developed your character thoroughly. The emotion really pours out of your words when you hit your stride like this, and after so many abstract verses toward the end of the Art of Writing League season, I am glad to see you found this groove. The take on the topic was extremely simple, and the content here was mostly one-dimensional. But the writing and mechanics were so silky smooth that this 46-line verse (perhaps the longest I've seen from you) never once felt drawn out. Our standards for these battles leans heavily on creativity and content, which weren't the strengths here. You draw from your writing ability alone, which is part of what allows you to be so damn productive at times in the Open Mic forum and what makes everything you write, even the more disconnected and raw verses, so interesting to me.

Witty: I haven't read much by you, but the rhyming here was clearly the standout. Your diction is a bit generic, but you're rhyming so much that it's impressive that you only force occasionally. Still, this verse felt generic and unfocused. There was nothing about it that connected with the photo other than the idea of a soldier. The photo wasn't even taken at night, which was a major point in the little bit of a story you developed. You couldn't decide whether to philosophize about war or tell the story of a soldier, so you sort of did neither but definitely leaned toward the former. While Mr. J gave us the raw emotion of a crying soldier, you offered us a generalist look at war with hints of a single soldier's pursuit. It never connected emotionally with me. You obviously have a lot of skill, but a more refined approach was required here.

Vote: Mr. J

[PancakeBrah]

Mr. J-

I thought your opening two lines were a bit weak, but you gained steam as you went along. Some of the rhymes were a bit forced and the schemes themselves were a bit generic throughout. I liked the formatting of your verse; it was a character sketch with just enough momentum to be considered a story as well. Although the character sketch elements made up the majority of the verse, which I also like since I prefer them. The concept towards the topic was rather straightforward but that's to be expected with the picture and route you take so that's not too much of a negative in my eyes. The actual content itself was alternating unique and a bit cliche, with the former being more prevalent than the latter. So to say, the good outweighed the bad. I think that goes for the entire verse; I had some issues but overall this was a good piece of writing. I liked the ending in particular.

Witty-

Your opener was better, grabbed the attention of the reader a bit more. Your rhyming throughout the piece was also superior to Mr. J's, but at certain points (especially near the beginning) it seemed to surpass the content in terms of importance. I think your piece picked up from the second stanza onward. The first was too preachy for my taste. Throughout the remainder of the piece I was always more interested in the actual action and content related to the soldier than the philosophical lines about the broader nature of war. The last stanza was my favorite for that exact reason. In the second stanza you introduced the narrative and character but you couldn't help yourself from sprinkling in large chunks of the aforementioned philosophical content and I felt that bogged down your piece. I think you would have been better served by keeping all of the broad commentary in the first stanza and then focusing on the character and narrative for the rest of the piece. I actually liked your ending; as opposed to going the obvious route of a soldier comforting his ally, you went the opposite direction which I didn't expect. But as an overall piece I think this needed a bit more refinement, organization, and direction.

I came into this battle thinking Witty would get my vote. We all have preconceptions going into a battle to vote. But Mr. J took this because of his one-track idea and focus, whereas Witty had the right idea and superior mechanics but tried to do much, in my mind. Good battle fellas.

v/ Mr. J

[Nigma]

Mister Jones. I really really liked your angle at this. An interesting and plausible account of a soldiers story. Unfortunately I feel your execution could have been better, about a 7/10, however the way you went at the target gives the verse a lot of strength. To me, the picture was a flash frame from the moments after the tragedies he went through, felt cool. Two snags in the flow throughout the verse and a some unnatural wording that could have been polished but overall a good take on the topic.

Witty, you sly fox. Technically sound verse, did a good job engaging and maintaining interest throughout the verse. You were attentive to the flow and there were no snags throughout, read very nicely. Predictable direction but done very well. The 'We pray for the meek' line was nice and I really enjoyed the closing stanza.

Prognosis, two satisfying verses, both of which had good relation to a very good topic picture. Both did the picture justice but one had less to criticise.

+1 Witty

[Lars]

My problem with Mr. J's verse here is that the soldier thing has been done many, many times before and without it having something unique or a take to make the reader THINK then the chances are people will have seen it done. Obviously I know the picture was the topic provided, but the straight forward angle isn't always the best to choose. That selection can be key in these battles. I had no issue with the flow in so much as Objective did, but at times I find your wording clunky and that hurts your verses in my opinion, I don't know if you write fast or on your phone or what, but with a tone-up and proof read you could do so much more. The potentials there, you just seem to always fall short of delivering something to grab me as a reader and make me think you've done something original or outside of the box. Witty here was dope from the outset, loved the rhyme scheme and that made the flow butter like, good imagery as ever, and overall a better tie-in to the topic provided which came right down to the closer but was really solid and a nice way to wrap it up. It was a tough topic here for you, I thought, but both did well in that sense. Props to both writers but I'm leaning towards Witty based on originality and creativity. Good battle, bruh!

[dead man]

I'm sorry but i must say this. i think witty is being robbed atm.

both writers gave us a rather obvious, war-torn soldier at arms impression of the picture. fine. but mr. j's was simply so cliche and, while it was well expounded enough, greatly lacked the cerebral affect and imagination of witty's. witty had one liners like

Your version of life is my version of death

Rain is pouring, it's dark....they say that war is an art
The body a canvas, the bullet a heavy brush stroke that tore it apart

I cut my mind into sections, there's kindness, depression

i mean. J had the perspective of a soldier on the field who is determined to survive. running ablaze towards the front lines. but i think witness, while they shared an overlap in general concept, simply out wrote and out strategized his opponent here. the image becomes more powerful after reading witty's - the breakdown of the prideful soldier who holds his enemy in his arms as he takes his last breath. a final sign of humanity. its a strange and comforting thing.


voting for witness.


thanks guys.



1

[CopyPat]

woah. this was close. you basically both kinda did the same thing really.. fuck. i honestly dont know who i am going to vote for as a write this. i will skim again and try to i guess find certain things to like and dislike about each and go from there..ddamn

ok, i think i have a decision. MJ ur verse was solid. had really great imagery to be honest, which was the best part of this verse i would say. structurally/lyrically etc it was solid. average, nothing more nothing less. i felt u had a really strong verse going till the end. you kindof had this story going (not really based on the pic but based on war in general) but then at the end u kindof threw a curveball with your sitting in a room, addicted to drugs and telling the story. well that really didn't go with the pic obviously, and i also didn't like how u kindof gave up a little with the vocab at the end. u said fuck like 4 or 5 times and cunt.. just seemed a bit strange and out of place compared to the rest of your whole verse, the whole ending seemed a little out of place actually. i didnt get that he is crying to fight again???

Witty your flow was super smooth, and ide give u an edge over MJ there from a technical standpoint, but the main reason i think u won this is because u finished your thought a little better. you also made this about the pic a little more directly with the actual embrace at the end being what this pic actually is. i appreciated how you took it a little sideways as they were actually enemies, yet still hugging, i doubt anyone saw that coming. i will say though, if we are getting picky. that that probably wouldn't really make sense in this particular pic ONLY because theres some other dude just chilling there reading a book lol. if they had JUST finished an intense knife fight and he was dying in his arms right there then other buddy wouldn't just be chilling there hahaha. i docked u points for that witty. but to me that docking equaled mj's docking for the drugs/room/swearing ending. and wit got bonus points flipping the idea of them being enemies, and better flow/complexity.

VOTE: FOX IN A NAILBITER

[e11even]

mr.j- there were two distinctly different tones here. Reading this felt like a football team playing smooth all game, then throwing the playbook out the window at the 2 minute warning. It wasn't quite that bad, but it was that obvious. I loved how the start-to-middle was written. This is more of an epic you, where you explore feelings and happenings in a smooth, well paced manner. the ending was rushed an tyook on a different personality, as it seemed you didn't have the patience to maintain the personality you started with. Maybe it was intentional for the mood? I'm not sure, but it didn't sit well with me. Overall though, this is a very nice piece from you. keep it up J. No homosapien.

witty- holy shit. holy shit. great piece. I'm not too fond of over-rhyming, but the device fits your format of writing and and didn't annoy me, though it was very noticeable. As your rhyming was ample, it was fluent as well, with most words in the right place. I loved it.

I don't quote ppl much but this:
Your version of life is my version of death
And the person who's right is the person who's left
So we curse and we fight, we surge and we fret
Get hurt and regret, apologize, reverse and reset
Rain is pouring, it's dark....they say that war is an art
The body a canvas, the bullet a heavy brush stroke that tore it apart

left an impression on me. Great wording and use of what you were given. I think this is my fave verse of the round. Good Job Witty.


In closing, this was a solid battle. I don't belive Mr.J gae the entire verse the same treatment to have it come through the way I think he intended, but he did solid work and I was mainly impressed. Witty was crazy cosistent and showed a veteran's presistence in story and rhyming. MVGT Witty