ROUND ONE: (5)NYCSPITZ vs. (28)YDK - (NYCSPITZ WINS 7-2)

[PancakeBrah]

The Winter Topical
Totoro YDK

Topic
http://img.izismile.com/img/img5/20121212/640/awe_inspiring_photos_2012_640_53.jpg

Check In Deadline: 1/11/2014
Verse Deadline: 1/15/2014,11:59 Pacific
Voting Deadline: 1/18/2014 (4 Votes Required)
Extension/Line Extension by request. Must be agreed to.

Good luck to both.

[NYCSPITZ]

Mozart, Chopin, Bach, he's sick with the keys
Piano playin' mask faced Argentinian teen
Masterpieces serene - it's like his thoughts are nebulous things
Nature's youthful call, Nature: wizened senescent king.
He's free here. Complete...human when these sentiments ring
over chinchillas, trees...and the ravine's tendrinous strings
"Music's your destiny," a mother cold, venemous sings
the bluff's height, Nature's clarity humming tenderest hymns.
Twenty-five minutes before: looking up, at time immemorial's call
soul a thunderstorm...given to sub-equatorial Fall
Seven hours before: a story of gall - cuts chalked up to ponderous slips
fingers calloused; his true joy came from conquering cliffs
It was the only way he knew to quell the monster within.
"Diego. Whenever you climb it's...godless, a sin
Deceiving, skeletal smile: "Music is a talent you couldn't possibly dim
...but you're grounded until the recital,
considering the audience, disobedience is improbably slim."
"Cool! That's rather retarded and sleight though
there's better out there than the London Philharmonica's Maestro."
Six hours before: Blood pools at the foot of the spiraling steps
decision making apparatus stoned, myelin bereft
Spontaneity spawns inspiration, the sight of his chest-
breath controlled, breaking cages abrupt; plight of the best.
Pangloss philosophy! Freedom...a flight from the nest.
Seven years before: a radiant smile. So sultry and light as the Sun
"Baby, when daddy's all better, and his bed appointment is done,
you'll grow to your highest dream: what you'd like to become."
The raincloud beckons: "One is all, all is one" - an epiphany bright
as the first drops fell, he's peaceful; awed by the reckoning's light
he slides down and leans forward - the final rushing symphony of his life.






.

[YDK]

This is horse shit, speaking in third person with no cussin
Ignoring character development like I ain't the topic of discussion.
My mind states minimizing how I'm feelin inside,
So I stop criticizing my mental and just take it in stride.
I'm feeling self-conscious but it ain't out weighing my pride,
So I sit an debate between dying and just staying alive.
I like to reach heights where I'm one with the sky,
And dream of falling downward with the sun in my eyes.
I've had ppl offer to help me but it's always the same script,
Acting like they know me but forgetting what my name is,
I've been at the top, touched clouds and heated them with flame spits
But the world's a lot colder when your back meets the pavement.
Now I'm back to the everyday going insane shit,
Where I try to rectify my problems without making the changes.
I dream of living the high life,
While snorting a perc an swigging a high-life,
Dream of taking chances whenever the times right,
But the best chance I ever had is already past in hindsight.
Now just look at how I'm dealing,
I gotta couple bills I'm ignoring while I'm chilling,
Puffin on a blunt blowing smoke up to the ceiling
Then it all falls down, kanye, no feelins.
Its hard to subtract myself from every equation,
When I'm the one causing problems without justification.
My girl looks at me like I don't love her enough,
But the truth is I'm exhuasted and don't fuck her enough.
I'm working 8 ta 5 then its 2 to 11,
and I still ain't got shit that's why the fuck I'm stressing.
Paying for rent and diapers is my main checks concern,
So that engagement ring I got her may get returned.
Now that shit ain't about love its all about necessity,
But I know she'll think less of me if I keep spending excessively.
My psyches fucked up so excuse my crudeness,
I'm tired of excuses so show me where the truth is!
F is for failure and I'm not accepting it, bye!
So I'm kicking f outta my life like I been living a lie!
The epitome of my dreams is just reaching a spot,
About halfway from the top like the thick of a plot.
Where I can rest my body and let my mental rejuvenate,
Without drinking to forget and sniffing shit till I'm closing weight.
2 kids relying on me, I'm Clark Kent for their sake,
Time is my kryptonite and it's eating away at my cape.
I do all that I can as a man with a family and few options,
Reaching the peak of my happiness exceeding my daily allotment.
I been through too much bad shit but my journey aint hapless
So I'll keep climbing till I cant, and my body collapses.

[zygote]

Totoro, very slick comparing the writing stimulus to a passion for music. There is something very accurate in comparing the epic background of the huge landscape to those individuals who give their whole being to the pursuit of music. All the endless permutations of music and various notes, comparing it to the vast image of nature with the single individual in the center was great. Kind of like the individual mind faced against all the endless possibilities of musical composition. One criticism, I thought the light hearted language (e.g., "sick with the keys" + "playin") did not fit with the classical music approach, it didn't mesh, but then again perhaps it mixes well with the young character. Didn't enjoy 'the rainclouds beckons' part, thought it gave too much context/storyline to something that was perhaps better left just as an abstract comparison.

YDK, enjoyed the internal dialogue style capturing the essence of a mind 'on the edge.' Although, your description is more chaotic that the image, the picture seems quite tranquil and safe (the character has no gear, just sitting out, relaxing really) you are still capturing the feeling of living on the precipice there. While the picture has an actual fall, the fall you describe is one of expectancy, responsibility to family, work, taxes/bills etc. The are some really humorous lines in a blunt kind of way (not to make light of your situation if it is autobiographical) like the "But the truth is I'm exhuasted" line. Also really enjoyed the ending, but thought the first two lines could have been deleted, those were the only parts that didn't feel cohesive, it was a bit too self-referential. Voting for YDK.

[Objective]

NYC: Dope to see you back in the action again. The first four lines captivated me and you got a rich sense of words and when to use them to their full effect, I enjoy that. You keep it going in the same style and I love how the piece goes back in time as well, that shit's dope as fuck man. Also enjoyed the similie of piano playing to climbing rocks. As it continues and really reaches the highpoint of your piece with a symphony of words, a steady rhythm, a crescendo of great proportions and melodies that plays well to the theme at hand, in other notes; I really enjoyed the read. Got some serious ISTL highlight-vibes from this shit. Cool stuff.

YDK: Interesting opener, feeling it, really want to see where you go with it though. An emotional self-reflective piece with a depressive viewpoint that still manage to speak from the heart of the topic given. Also really enjoy this couplet:

''I've had ppl offer to help me but it's always the same script,
Acting like they know me but forgetting what my name is,''
^ That's some powerful lines right there!

Thought you were going well until this line;

''Now that shit ain't about love its all about necessity,
But I know she'll think less of me if I keep spending excessively.''
^ I mean, if you're struggling with bills and work insane shifts and complain when you're spending money excessively, what do you expect? It's in her right to think less of you if you keep doing that stuff and dreaming of living the high-life if you're having a kid.

''My psyches fucked up so excuse my crudeness,
I'm tired of excuses so show me where the truth is''
^ Be as crude as you want, but the truth is from what you're saying is that you're spending money on bullshit. Get yo shit together playa. Slow down on spending money on things you don't really have the time for anyways, and focus more on your kid and the child in question and you might see better days.

However, thought it picked up quite quick after that. Just really didn't make sense to me why he would do that. He seems reflective enough to have his priorities right, but he don't. The closure was pretty dope as well.

''I been through too much bad shit but my journey aint hapless
So I'll keep climbing till I cant, and my body collapses.''
^ Dope shit, but I'd like to know more about what it was that made this guy depressed. What are his real issues? I understand he got mental health, but not why he has them, you feel me?

Vote: Both had cool pieces but one stood out to me in this one and it was NYC/Totoro's verse, so he gets my vote. Why? He had a really creative approach, dope rhyme structure, cool metaphores and oneliners that struck you along with a more creative concept than YDK's. That's not to say that YDK didn't have dope lines and a flow to go with it as well cuz he certainly had, but the subject matter wasn't really that engaging and it left me with a few questions when I was done reading it. YDK was on topic and had a decent verse, but I felt it could have been better when it comes down to it.

[oats]

Mei-Ling:

The first half of this verse is beautiful. The characterization is unique and resonant all at once - the archetypical begrudging prodigy who pursues his genius under the fist of his tiger mom. But he has an escape through nature/rock climbing. The initial descriptions were provocative and compelling.

I think it started to spiral uncomfortably for me at "25 minutes before." I liked the buildup, but I can't help but feel that it would have crescendo'd better had you followed a more natural countdown - start with years and as the verse starts to wind down, THEN get closer to the final act of his suicide. I think the attempt at reversing that was novel, but I don't know if it was successful. In my estimation, you approached it like that to try and veil the final act a bit, understandably so, but again, not sure if it worked as well as it could have if done the opposite direction.

Also: "It was the only way he knew to quell the monster within." added an extra layer of intrigue, but I'm not sure if this character trait was supported enough. What was the monster within? I guess it was his conflicted relationship with his immense talent, as well as something to do with his strained family relationship, but again I didn't get enough info to fully grasp what could have been a great addition to his character. Same goes for whatever it was that happened to his father - I don't need to know why/how he died, but I do need to know why/how it affected him. I didn't quite get that.

Overall, this struck me as a skeleton of a great verse - I think you could have done much more with it. As is, it works, and it's good, but I'm frustrated because I think it could have been a true heavyweight verse.


YDK:

In many ways, this was one of the better verses I've seen from you. I think you had a number of standout lines, and you really captured the struggle of the working man treading water in life, too overworked to pursue any real sense of happiness or fulfillment. It was honest and disheartening in a genuine way.

Here's my beef though: it seems very generic. The narrator borders on stereotype, and I don't have any compelling insight into his idiosyncrasies or anything. In other words, the emotional sentiments were not unique. His dreams of chilling and partying, his struggles of working too much and being in a shitty relationship, those aren't enough to get me invested in his story. Either a) change those elements completely to something that fits his character more precisely, or b) give us some background info that makes those conclusions more interesting and understandable.


Vote: This is close. Both concluded with suicide as the result of sorrowful lives, so to me it comes down to which story was more interesting. The writing was strong on both ends, but I think I was engrossed in Totoro's narrative more, so I'm going to vote for him. Strong showing from both, wouldn't be surprised to see it go either way.

[PancakeBrah]

Totoro-

Pretty but slightly askew. The descriptions and insight were beautifully crafted, very fluid. You grabbed the attention of the reader, and even in the valleys of the verse you maintained a level of expertise that kept everything afloat, above the mendoza line. I liked the idea of going Tarrantino on us, working front to back back to the front in theory. But you lacked a bit of depth in the latter portions of your verse, specifically the seven years before section. I understand your intended effect; keep the portion short and to the point, and let the reader extrapolate the the effects of that very moment and how it relates to the character's future. I can appreciate the brevity, it gives the moment almost more import due to it but I can't help but feel fleshing out the impetus would've helped. I liked the ending, though, so you ended on a high note. Even with my critique, I think this verse was very well done and expertly written.

YDK-

This was pretty good. I think your approach to the topic was well thought out - instead of looking at the picture as a suicide (although you touched on it) or as an appreciation of nature you instead looked at is a snapshot of a life, the moment of being ensconced in everything you've built, taking a breath and the time to view it, and deciding whether to stop or continue. Conceptually, very strong. My personal preferences, though, preclude me from thinking you executed on the concept at a high level. Your writing had little flashpoints of creativity and strong wording but for the majority of your verse it felt like verse by numbers. Nothing overly captivating, and a little generic to quote oats. I think you had the right idea but didn't have the tools to really create an outstanding verse, which with your concept you could have.

This is a case of one writer writing his way out of a deficit in concept. I really enjoyed YDK's idea about the topic, but his writing fell a bit flat to me. NYC, meanwhile, was a bit more in line with what I expected but he wrote at a high enough level to overcome the difference. Enjoyed reading this, fellas.

v/Tortoro

[big baby]

so my pinkies sorta fractured. and i use it alot so i'll keep this short because i don't like typing anyway.

totoro had an outlook emerged with his writing style, and it deviated to a certain singular style that didnt really resonate with emotional depth as ydk's. tot enveloped his style of wording, vocabulary and overall impression to make a mechanical mezzanine in his orchestral summoning of vernacular. ydk posed a plural indictment that barely made it to federal court, but hit deeply the jury of our local peers. transpiring from possible personal interference, he developed a sense of propriety and filtered a kiln of lava through his moulded craft, that isn't as smooth as the pottery that tot creates in his basement with swayze. the ending of both were characterized by their own emotional uproot, more descriptive on ydk's part, and more ethereal on totoros part, which is most likely the case, and very rarely do i see nyc truly grasp the clutches of a reality without the brushing of overdoing his dactylic paraphrasing in a subjugation of his translation, to pen and pad. what im trying to say is, this was closer than scripted, since ydk really knows how to communicate on a wider audience, as where totoros can only be understood if you actually know how to write, have the acumen to process it, or one or the other, ydk's can be processed by all audiences, which gives him an edge in the area, you never want to overdo it, or you'll end up like frank in the aowl, i only type like this in this battle because you made a commentary about how i vote, so i'll make it as subtle as possible while remaining on edge in the coherency factor, and i solemnly agree to vote to the better and enjoyable verse, which typically go with the latter, but the former poster dazzled me with his mechanical sharpness and by that matter i'd have to go with my gut feeling. i enjoyed this fellas, keep it up. really.

[trap.]

I liked nycs storylinr, and it was accentuated with a really great rhyme scheme and structure. A few misplaced words, but that's with any verse. I wish the piano / climbing metaphor could've been expanded on more but for what you did with the topic, it worked really well.

Ydk, great verse but it really lacked any originality. It's like you had a really emotional and personal story written but it hardly scratched the surface of the picture and barely worked with it. As far as the verse goes, like I said, well written, no real problems with it but it was just there...if you get my drift.

Vote, nyc.

[Witty]

NYC - First of all, I think you had a very unexpected take on the topic, in my eyes at least. The cliff climbing was something that would have been too much of an obvious choice to go for, but to combine it with the fact he was some musical prodigy being pushed into something he didn't really feel any love for instead of embracing his true love of rock climbing was a really interesting take on the topic that I don't think a lot of people, including myself, would have really seen in the picture. That's always the sign of a very good topical writer, not just writing to the topic but getting something out of the topic that isn't immediately visible at first sight, it shows great imagination and creativity. I think you could have taken this further, 10 or so more lines would have really fleshed this piece out, it seemed to end rather abruptly and I think there was more that could have been said, but what was there was masterfully crafted and well thought out, your wording was very good, there were maybe 2 or 3 instances where it was a little akward but nobody is perfect, and to have that few instances in a piece with such complex vocabulary and thought patterns is testament to your ability as a writer, I enjoyed this a lot.

YDK - First of all, I want to address the people saying this was not original, I believe this was a personal piece and I believe it came across as something that has been done before because it has, because it is a feeling that a lot of people share and can relate to in the world we live in, the struggle of raising a family and working your fingers to the bone to try and provide for them, so for people to say it was unoriginal I feel is quite unfair, there is never anything wrong with writing something that is relatable to many people, I believe that is a GREAT way to write...the point of writing is to convey emotion and to make people feel how you are feeling, so to write about something a lot of people feel in their life, in my opinion, is a very good direction to go in. We all live in the same world and there are things we all go through, moments in life that we all experience. The emotion was very real and it was the stand out theme in this piece. My main problem was that this was a topical battle, and I feel you didn't really address the picture enough in your piece, that can often be a drawback in writing personal pieces to a topic you did not pick yourself, it is hard to really write about yourself and stick to the topic at the same time, you came back to the pictue at the end of the piece and wrapped it up nicely, but I feel you neglected it too often in the verse.

All in all, a very good battle...I think if there was no topic and this was just a battle where you wrote whatever you wanted to a topic you thought of yourself, I might have voted for YDK based solely on the emotion of his verse and how real and relatable it was, NYC was the more accomplished writer in terms of technical ability, by which I mean imagery potrayed, the wording and the incredible use of vocab, but the emotion in YDK's was very raw which I always love. However this was a topical battle, and you have to write to the topic, and I think NYC did that superbly, with a really great idea, executed brilliantly, while YDK, for me, lost sight of the topic too often.

Gotta give it to TOTORO.

[Diode]

NYC's painted a beautiful picture that got derailed by the time-jumping underplot. If he had just sat there describing everything the boy sees using his trademark buttery flow and imagery, this could have been up there with the top verses of the round. It felt like he needed to interject a story because this is a topical and "that's just what you do" - but sometimes painting is all you need when you master the feelings, thoughts, and perspective of the subject. Great writing, convoluted/unnecessary story.

YDK wrote a flex piece from the first person perspective. He is clearly not as technically sound as NYC, but he took a different approach than the usual "this is a story look a story twist, swerve, aha, a story!" topical message we usually get. His first lines were an immediate turnoff and strange use of abbreviation took away the flow for me multiple times (you can write "ppl" but not "people"? for serious?). It was as straightforward as these things get with no real nuances or word games. I found it lacking even as a "flex piece" especially given what an extraordinary picture he had to work with.

NYC takes this easy.

[Vulgar]

NYCSPITZ - I feel like I should be hard on you because I expect only the best from you. Lyrically, you put on a lightshow, but how bright do the materials burn and for how long? In my estimation of this piece's flammables, not explosive but stagnant eruptions. Or maybe I just subconsciously resent it because we both used the word "ravine" this week. Alright, so an orchestra virtuoso kid likes to climb mountains but mommy grounds him for reaching for his highest goals. He kills her. The clues are everywhere in this, like "...decision making apparatus stoned...blood pools" - it's a weird way to refer to a mom, lol. The "monster within" and "given to sub-equatorial fall" or a fall from moral grace, or even the ledge of sanity. It was a little bit corny and fancifully weaved. There wasn't any room for wit because you were determined to make it like an embroidery of metaphorical detail. Decent but not stirred.

YDK - This was cool, and believable which is important. It kept my attention the whole way through, propelled by a solid rhyme scheme. Not the most innovative approach, though it seemed true to your life so why not speak from personal experiences? The "flame spits" part made me cringe (I tried not to, but your opponent is NYCSPITZ and it didn't relate all that much to the verse, but why not?) This was a plainer type of story, however, I did like the read.

My vote goes to YDK.

He pulled off his approach. NYC was velvet cake but it smelled like a car air freshener. Too much meh and not enough YEAH!!1 I didn't find it particularly believable. I know it's hard to sum up a murder story with motives included in a topical that has a line limit. I've seen NYC conquer bigger obstacles. I think maybe the concept was ill-chosen... I'm hard on you, I know. (pause)