ROUND ONE: (2)Pent uP vs. (R)Diode - (PENT UP WINS 5-4)

[PancakeBrah]

The Winter Topical
Pent uP Diode

Topic
http://i.imgur.com/d4zwpTf.jpg

Check In Deadline: 1/11/2014
Verse Deadline: 1/15/2014,11:59 Pacific
Voting Deadline: 1/18/2014 (4 Votes Required)
Line Min/Max: 16/48
Extension/Line Extension by request. Must be agreed to.

Good luck to both.

[Pent uP]

Korova Milk War


The kids all wanted to see the noise that shook their city's ground,
while the farmers congregated, worried about the pollutants in the clouds.
The last privatized village where humans lived without
technological advancements. Better off than Aztecs in a rural little town.
Country-side living with a perimeter of graffiti and stones.
A civilization with huts, town matriarchs, creeks, cows and goats.
Where people are clothed in first world throwaways
and put shirts over faces before they sneak in the zone -
where gears whine and squeak in a tone that screams as the drills are maxed out.
The elders worriedly wonder "Still they frack now -
How long will they continue to dig the damn ground?
Was it worth it to trade our peace for a little cash cow?"
Their perimeter stands proud - as high as the sky vividly appears
while it's surrounded by the likes of scientists and engineers.
The idiots are quiet while the wise men have inspired guilt and spread the fear -
rushing at all the young minds and screaming violently
"the end is near!"

The forces outside were practically sent by satellite.
Stacked with gadgets that bring death when panic strikes.
Calculating the source of the oil and its depth's expansive size,
while mathematicians find the ratio of heads to standard prices.
A quest that spans all life, which the united nations had bore.
Free poaching resources in exchange for no wars.
City by city they shifted as an assailant with force -
until they reached the last oil field and made a trade in remorse.
A piece of change for a corpse of a planet's blood bag.
The General drank milk, which coated his grandiose mustache.
He eyed the city while double backing his word. Planning commands
and formations for his forces to lead their savage attack.
Some hundred-odd guns are cocked while the troops move to their hummers and tanks.
Roided super-soldiers shoot ammonia vials while they pummel the gates.
Women and children are rushed to the top with a ton of grenades
while the men of the village are required to stay and tussle with fate.
The old, humble and brave are still in the barns or the fields.
Their naive wives are there too, praying on parts of their heels.
They figure if they survive this today they'll need food for their partners to eat.
So, they milk the cows while expecting the army to starve without meals.
The walls shook, they all looked at the tanks ramming their fortress.
The boys gathered things to throw while the girls were stammering hopelessly.
The army paused with their jaws dropped as the tanks sputtered and ran out of motion.
Grenades dropped while the soldiers back tracked their courses.
It fared the village - gave them air as they prepared their visage
against a group facing the irony of losing the resource you're there to pillage.
The troops regrouped aloofly and attacked some more with cannons and droids.
Mechanical animals damaging structures and doing what their masters enjoy.
Even though the corrupt always win with blood their hands cant avoid -
a gallon of milk is still worth more than a gallon of oil.


“Each man kills the thing he loves.”
― Anthony Burgess

[Diode]

"Niemand hat die Absicht, eine Mauer zu errichten!" ("Nobody intends to put up a wall!")
- Walter Ulbricht, Leader of the GDR, June 15th 1961 - 2 months before the Berlin Wall was built)

.
.

the war was two-sided, as these things always are
civilizations now divided in their minds and hearts
a single pebble brought the level of this trouble to a needless high
and a single pebble's what remains after their civility died

his name was Hassan, etymologically pious and good
but his biological bias made him psychologically shook
the culture of the cradle sees things in an objective tone
and Hassan's magnanimous nature made him unfit for home
a pilgrimage to Mecca helped him understand this better
and soon Hassan became a leader to the slums and beggars
he praised Allah, emphatic, "shouldn't we defend his call?"
but Hassan, now pragmatic, couldn't see the impending fall
proud of his dirt, Hassan consumed himself in his work
cleansing the coffers of corruption by usurping their clerks
and as ringing rounds of revolution bubbled up from below
a single pebbled rolled along, admiring the show

the antagonist, alone, answered anemically to "Ali"
a noble nomenclature he found repugnant, unsuited for he
who climbed the caste ladder from the lowest of rungs
to become the next Apollo, likewise, too close to sun
Ali ruled the city proper as well as all there was beneath
the former he was proud of, but the latter made him seethe
his rule was divine, chosen, bred, delivered by signs
and damned if there's a peasant planning to question his line
Ali sipped the wine in his chalice carefully, debated the facts
invited Hassan to the palace, cleverly, under the guise of a pact
and as the seeds of sinister thoughts embedded themselves in the soil
a single pebble pedaled along, abetting itself to the spoils

needless to say the city changed forever that day
the day that found Hassan's endeavor ended with exponential decay
desiccated, drawn, quartered, and put on display
for rebels, scum, and beggars who dared to follow his ways
Ali remained incredulous, insisting this issue delved itself deeper
bemoaning benevolence and perturbed by prevalence, he cut city rations to meager
plague and pestilence were ignored, Ali supercilious, sure
pleading on his precipice door, he saw them all as ignominious whores
and as the tension grew to uncontrollable levels from the plight of the poor
a single pebble was picked up, pitched, and started a war

we watched it all from here, my family and i
built amidst the starting struggle as a dividing line
i started as a pebble before that shot was focused
and so i am again since that shot's been posted.

[Nigma]

Pent
Pros: Steady rhyme scheme and buttery flow almost all the way through, offered a unique presentation for a storytelling, offered some unique ideas in specific events (firing ammonia jumps to mind)
Cons: Predictable conceptual direction, some word usage did not rhyme, at least in my dialect (the line ending in visage jumps to mind)

Overall, very solid verse, making the most out the chosen topic. Felt like some lines could have used a bit more polish but I enjoyed the read and some unique ideas that you brought to your storyline.

Diode
Pros: Unique story with strong elements, deep character development, well executed story progression. It was more of a frame by frame description as opposed to the collage of images from Pent. The extended incorporation of the pebble was a nice touch as well.
Cons:The second to last stanza seemed overly wordy after the 'perturbed by prevalence' portion. Definitely took away from the expected sting in the finale.

Overall, I found it to be an elegantly written piece. Creative topic and a thoughtful layout.



Prognosis: I find voting on battles that showcase this level of writing force you to nitpick to the extreme which in turn makes the voter come across as someone looking for something to complain about, and I guess we are.... But I digress. I felt Pent offered a punch with his verse, however he needed to have a few more standout lines and fresh ideas to compete with Diode's fresh take on the concept.

+1 Diode

[big baby]

Sort of impressed with diodes ability to come up with this in a short notice, because I never really read anything of his I think.

Both offered a story about war, and the crust the image offers as being a grimey, less suburban setting. The mask, along with the dirt and grime over and the opaque scenery sort of made this seem 'war-like' or dirty, really. Or in a dilapidated zone of unfortunate circumstances. I like diodes take, but didn't really feel a strong progression of story writing, same with pent, they both seemed the same thing, except diodes being a longer expression and nothing really pointing out to the picture itself, except the feel of the image, not the details in it, which is fine, but with such an easy and delineating topic, I felt the need for minutiae to be much greater than the simple things described by both. Pent-up did this a little better, where as diode took a route of being more on the story telling bit, and describing a certain narrative where the declarations were made by someone or something in a certain time stretch, I think about 3 other verses this round had the same template as diodes. It's really good, sometimes, nothing really wowed me on either end, but coupled with what I mentioned just now, I think pent slightly edged diode here in overall satisfaction of the verse. I hate to say that if diode may have spent more time it couldve been funner, and it sucks, really, (idk if pent up posted his verse after the replacement, but he had a 31 seed, so idk if he really went full throttle [though i haven't seen him at his best, really]) that diode, without being a reserve is probably a really high seed based on his accomplishments he tells everyone he has, lol jk. But, he is in no way a 31 seed, and that's sort of a disadvantage for pent, honestly, I know he couldve edited his verse, but I think the seeding shouldve been placed smarter (the reserves) because a top 15 seed replacing a 31 seed seems very unorganized and stupid to me, and couldve really cost pent this battle, and diode (im assuming) had less time to construct a verse within the original time alloted. Very weird battle here, (assuming the circumstances) but I cast my vote and it stands straight, good job guys. Thanks for the read.


edit: and I know it's up to whatever the writer posts, and if he/she wants to go super hard on a certain topic, that should be his initial reaction when writing, but if I knew I was facing someone I could easily beat and I wanted to benefit off the hard work that I've written and cruise off of my seeding for the first rounds, then I'm allowed to do that, but diode isn't really an easy opponent? Idk if you see where I'm coming from. But yeah. Good stuff.

[Eŋg]

pent -- this was pretty solid. although i felt the composition was at times stilted. oddly placed adjectives and other things. in truth i have not read you in a while and this didn't exactly boast the mechanics... i would expect from you? couple uncharacteristic missteps. generally sewed your writing together well enough, though. i don't feel like this was a top-shelf effort but probably deemed sufficient. the not so subtle nuance about the general's moustache and milking the cows/stuff like that showed cool attentions to detail. korova milk bar. lol.

led - the delivery was crisper, very lineal, consumable storytelling. the polysyllables after 'his name was Hassan' kinda just felt awkward. suggesting the character is 'now pragmatic' after emphatically praising Allah seems incongruous?

the antagonist, alone, answered anemically to "Ali"
a noble nomenclature he found repugnant, unsuited for he
who climbed the caste ladder from the lowest of rungs
to become the next Apollo, likewise, too close to sun

the wording is horrible on the second line. the latter couplet evokes imagery of Daedalus, not sure how a sun-god would be 'too close'. there's more than a few instances of unnatural wording imo. with your obviously less rhyme-centric writing (in an arena effectively dominated by rhyme-centric poetry (commendable, btw)) you should hone the remaining aspects meticulously. you didn't. i still think this was good writing with a palpable, self-contained, story. just read a bit off. the theme of the pebble and the loose reprise was a nice touch. could have complimented a stronger piece more effectively.

v/pent

[Certain]

Pent uP: I have read this verse three times through and your ending another two, and I still am not sure what happened. I just don't get it. Why did the army stop? What does it mean they were running out of the resource they were there to pillage? Really, the entire story was a little muddled. Part of this is because you spent a lot of time developing the scene but not much developing the story itself. The early part was fine, but even then, I never felt completely grounded or at home in this verse. I never felt there. There's a value to have strong characters, which allow for readers to feel an attachment to what they're reading. You seemed hell-bent on avoiding characters, giving us one in the entire verse, whom we stuck with for three lines. The rhymes and schemes and diction were all fine, though there were a few missteps in every category. You probably would do well to consider natural stressors on syllables when rhyming, as rhymes like "graffiti and stones"/"creeks, cows and goats" are very hard to process because the unrhymed "cows" is such a prominently stressed syllable in any natural reading of that line. But mostly the content was my issue here. I thought you set up a really nice image that worked very, very well with the picture in your first stanza, but the second stanza began a bit redundant and then moved into an unclear climax that never provided any urgency. Had you used the first stanza as background and given us a character-driven rendition of the second half, perhaps through the eyes of one of the villagers or maybe even through our milk-drinking general, there may have been a deeper emotional attachment and a more clear view. In some ways, it felt like you were writing to the final couplet, which was a very cool concept. But the rest never resonated, at least not clearly.

Diode: This verse seemed to strain your writer's voice a little. You were using a deeper vocabulary than normal, and there was just something slightly uneven about it at times as the story went on. The first and second stanzas were pretty much exactly the type of writing I expect from you at your best. The flow was smooth because you used assonance and general meter to balance out the rhymes, and the story was very clear. But the third stanza sort of derailed you a bit, as though it was a bit rushed or you weren't as sure on how to develop Ali, our ruler and ultimately the story's pivotal figure. I don't think you ever quite dug into his essence enough to fully explain why he made the decision he made, to give the people a martyr. We also never got enough on the people themselves to understand fully how they would rise behind this martyr. You made a story about war into a story about two men, and in a way, I admire that. You stripped this complex situation down to tell a manageable story. I am guessing every voter so far has praised the pebble bit. Voters love those sorts of little tricks, which is not to say they are hackneyed or anything of the sort, but I didn't think the pebble linked that well into the second and third stanzas. I appreciate a good marker, though, and that was provided with it. I do wish the very last line had been stronger. The rhyme seemed forced, which is an occasional problem for you that is more easily overlooked when it occurs with deeper rhymes. In your style, any forced rhyme of any type jumps right off the screen and makes itself obvious. But I think from beginning to end you told an interesting sort of parable here, and I have to admit I've been digging parables a bit recently. What won you this battle in my mind is the clarity, though. When I finished your verse on the very first read, I felt completed and satisfied to some degree.

Vote: Diode

[Split]

Lol Certain fracking is an oil extraction method. The tanks and machines ran out of oil products.

Pent Up.

you painted one fuck of a scene. you did a splendid job of bringing your story to life... from the general, to familial roles in guerrilla warfare, to the absurdity of the soldiers technology as they stormed the underdeveloped colony's villages. Ammonia vials haha. The theme or themes or motifs are a bit muddled to me. I know milk vs. oil is a strong factor. And the crushing domination of overindustrialized capitalism. The temporary victory also stood out to me... it seemed like a flash frame of Tolstoy's Sebastopol Sketches. I also think your rhymes (only the end rhymes, really) were way choppier than the buttery silk/satin flow you usually deliver.

I enjoyed the read but just don't know how I feel about it in the end.





Diode.

good vs. evil. two dudes climb to the top of very different chains of influence. I think your narrator is the pebble.

a few things bug me. rhythmically this is your best work. Lyrically, not so. Last section was like.... dictionary.com. I know that you didnt use a dictionary, and all the words fit quite naturally in terms of grammar, but... yeah not very approachable. I feel like i know/ use a decent vocab, but allow myself to do so within specific reigns of context... if i figure someone cant figure a word out, i just leave it out or dumb it down.

a lot of your diction was overly stilted. your wording didnt help. one or the other could just take the lead to make your verse more accessible.

not a big complaint ^ in and of itself... but those were a lot of nuanced words for such a simplistic conclusion and themes... overly complex for me. Ill give you that I liked your setting ans consistency. Maybe such a linear story needed a little stronger subplot or more factors, such as more feedback from the general populace in what you were telling us was a very living, communal city


Voting Pent uP. equal takes on the topics, equal in mechanics/ lyricality or whatever, I enjoyed his organic cluster of thematic elements over Diode's fable-esque, moral-driven escapade.

Probably the closest battle this round. Good showing.

[Angkor]

Pent - I dig the Clock Work Orange allusion. And much like Kubrick's masterpiece, this verse shared themes of anarchy, intrinsic evil and violence. Biggest shared aspect was Rape, which you've used in a very well thought out metaphor. Clockwork used rape and sex violence as a symbolism of power and i love how that correlates with the raping of the innocent (land) here. Would it be a stretch to assume milk equal the climatic goal (orgasm)?? lol, maybe. Usually your verse is perfect with hardly any issue, but this one, in the technical sense, isn't as refined as i'm used to. There were a few slant rhymes and stretches lines that was very uncharacteristic of you. Either that or, as i've said many times before, i'm just reading it wrong. Although that aspect wasn't up to the usual standard i can't deny the creativity of this verse. Sure the whole spoils of war angle has been done to death but i think combined with the imagery (The mustache milk was very clever) and literary allusion, this maybe one of the best i've read. Salute.

Diode - Very nice brutha. I thought you executed your piece a little better than Pent, in terms of flow and cadence, while sharing somewhat similar themes. If i'm not mistaken, were u speaking in the voice of a rock? Very creative. I do have some issues with the plot, mainly the central conflict. I think we can assume why the conflict begin (differing philosophy, i suppose) but it was a bit too abrupt. After a couple of beautiful character developments, it just went into something else, without a proper plot transition. It was obvious u wanted to jump into the meat of the matter...but i felt something was missing. Some of the more polysyllabic word choices were a little random at times and didn't really compliment the piece all that well (it really stood out, but not in a good way). But overall, this was elite level writing and certainly one of the better piece of this round. salute.

Vote - I fucks with this battle because it's a lot closer than most other battles this round. It was pretty even, imo. Pent played on a product in one of Kubrick's film, cleverly dropping some nice commentary on the pillage (rape) of war, while Diode dropped a creative POV piece that somehow gave room/reason to do a couple of character studies. While both had 'not so great' stuff in their respective verses, i had to go with one that was too noticeable and that was Pent. Overall, it was clarity to me. Pent knew what he wanted to talk about and i felt he did well in examining it. Diode, was a character sketch that just didn't seem complete, for some reason. Something was missing. Both are deserving of the win and this is probably battle of the round. good stuff, fellas.

[e11even]

pent- I wasn't quite sure qhat to feel of this piece til the parts at the end. I thisng this was well written, but it didn't feel potent. I think this could have been more concise, thus, more impactful with crisper, tight wording. Overall, I don't know if the topic was uninteresting, or if it was the use of the topic that didn't quite grab me, but is was good for what it was, given the fact that you are solid mechanically. Good job, Overall.

diode- Wow. compared to the AOWL you have really come along in letting loose and showing your capability. This verse was superb, as you stepped your verbage up and told a complete story with no rushes or obvious inconsistencies. This verse, with its "pebble" interjections, was awesome and I'm sure I couldn't tell it better myself. I think that last bit of who the narrator was was a lil much (as I unerstand it), but you killed this piece. Good Job Diode.


Overall, I think you both put in solid work and effort. Both premises were good, but one storyteller was more apt than the other. mechanics aren't much of a factor here, so I was left with what felt like a more complete experience. MVGT Diode.

[Red glare]

pent up,

good drunk writing. standard veteran like cruise control. some cliche, generic aspects to the writing. the "frack now cash cow" seggment was one of the best couplets i have read in conjunction to a photo this round. the gallon of milk/gallon of oil was a spectacular idea diluted with an unclear stream lining. More connection between milk and oil throughout the verse would've been a verse worth writing.

diode,

I feel the slum dug aura of the writers voice, its very rags and sandals. the opening quote was very rural documentary. set the perspective for me. this verse reminds me of the boxer prince ali. he's very cocky and arrogant, pompous and boisterous so the vocabulary was good. gave it a godly touch. a story from the viewpoint of the blocks in the wall, witnessing all - creative.

the writing wasnt as "tight" in this battle but the magnitude of subject matter in llight of the picture is heavy on back to back reads.

ultimately i feel diode encompassed the photograph more - he pulled through in a stunner

[Witty]

Pent - I really don't think you are being given enough credit for the direction in which you took this topic, I think it was very imaginative and from a technical stand point very polished. The general theme of the piece was something I'm not sure many would have thought of, and that's why I love picture topics so much, they really let originality shine through and it's cool to see what ideas different people get from the same image, it shows our minds are all unique. There isn't much to crititicize here, your wording was off on 3 occassions which made the lines a little awkward. The main thing that was brilliant about this was that there was 0 filler, every line was neccessary to the story you were telling and every line fed from the last line, as every good story must do.

Diode - Again, a very well told story with very little filler in it at all, the narrative was artfully written and imagery was very strong, that was probably the main highlight of this piece for me, I could envision everything you were saying in my head, you painted a picture and it was very entertaining. There was a lot to think about in this piece, it was very thought provoking. Your wording was off on too many occasions tho if I'm honest, I just couldn't really get a good flow going through the piece because every time I began to there was awkward wording which threw it off, it was a very minor problem, but it was noticeable. I always stress the importance of wording because of the fact that no matter how good your story is, if the flow of your piece keeps getting knocked off, it's gonna take away from the enjoyment the reader gets from the piece, even if only a little bit. This was very accomplished writing though, and a hugely enjoyable piece in terms of imagery and narrative.

Gonna go with Pent.

[Certain]

Pent uP leads 5-4, but I think we're waiting on either one (for Pent uP) or two (if the next vote is for Diode) more votes. Pancake can confirm later.

[big baby]

He said he's closing battles if they're close.