ROUND ONE: (3)Vulgar vs. (30)Innovator - (VULGAR WINS 5-0)

[PancakeBrah]

The Winter Topical
Vulgar Innovator

Topic
http://www.boston.com/business/innovation/state-of-play/conflict%20minerals.jpg

Check In Deadline: 1/11/2014
Verse Deadline: 1/15/2014,11:59 Pacific
Voting Deadline: 1/18/2014 (4 Votes Required)
Line Min/Max: 16/48
Extension/Line Extension by request. Must be agreed to.

Good luck to both.

[Vulgar]

Mother's Liberation Front

The womb parted with a hefty heave, revealing two gleaming, wet heads
twins that developed from a Niger Delta, bundled in see-through bedspreads
The doctor wiped sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand
He said "blood runs thicker than water reservoirs run by capital clans..."

[EXCERPT OF FOUNDING DOCUMENT]
"The enamel of man, does it revolve around gunslinging?
when the best weapon on the market is a solid domestic upbringing
Each face tells a burden, a story, but where's the synopsis?
Miners search for rare minerals yet neglect key breastmilk deposits
It was apparent to all walks of life that a solution was needed
troops in the scenic Djibouti ravines were ruthless and fiendish
Shogunates, sultanates, soullessness - ample proof of human diseases
Matters of diplomacy were obsolete, the MLF was rebuking the thesis
unleashed in a region of rash defilers where nothing's dad inspired
Broken cradles of civilization, delinquents fumbling with pacifiers
Fortresses and bazaars in Zaire pulverized, the fires smoldered
Violent cultures of tribal warlords, child soldiers, fortified, ages 4-to-5
If it's cold outside of the warm cocoon and you awaken, mortified
Avoid the warring hives, and resume the trek into that formless guise
Reports project immobilized militant elements, so they won't mislead you
Instead of projectiles in Mogadishu - unconditional love is whole & peaceful
Nature vs. Nurture, a nation of burglars eclipsed by debris
The struggle for resources, not resourcefulness, spilling into the streets
for kindred entrenched in Belize following perilous decrees
Uganda, Rwanda...meet Mama: a non-threatening authoritarian regime
based on caring for your needs, serenading in harems in the trees
Instead of garrisons of siege, try some carriages of geese
because Mother Goose wasn't caught up in any animal prestige
If you've disbanded, get reprieved... recreated, yes indeed
The sensible resurrection of the single selective trait of empathy
[Please, sit down, Prospective Donor.]
Let us explain how we can halt gold purgers and slave trades
The criteria for Liberia's quintuplets to hold squirters, not AK's
We can nurse you back to good health, detox miserable mandates
by not only changing diapers, but also geopolitical landscapes!
for Sudan's sake, we'll campaign until we're sand flakes or up above
It might be a bad idea...but after all, who doesn't need a mother's love?
[END OF EXCERPT]

In today's news,
The United Nations has officially declared scud missiles a nuisance
reconfigured Africa's focus on gorgeous conception and irresistible cuteness
Pistols, bazookas, the list is voluminous! Yet the mood isn't bleak
As Dr. Life hands the newborn to its mother, she embraces it, coos it to sleep

[Inno]

Enemy of the same state.

eardrums burst, blood stained shirts worn as the soil played confetti
broken trust, rivers flood with bodies, the piles along the miles; steady.
the tree leaves confess to the nights skies of the horror witnessed here
the winds drenched in the scene...a breeze glistened in the fear.
whispering loud each tear...as withering cries disappear we celebrate
and cheer.
kings of the jungle, thieves to the bundle, life isn't enough even death
is humble.
walls of society? allowed to crumble to the ground, the dust so thick
it covers the bodies that serve as rubble.
keep judgment to those with a heart. those with a soul to rip apart.
we are art amongst the war. forever marred within the brush strokes
of our victims scars.
killing machines, the system is flawed.
the blood soaked air, we breathe in the scene.
Red sons under red dawns.
as the streets bleed. the trees breathe in the rot from the bodies posed.
dancing through a grenade ball. we waltz to each bullet thrown.
each wounded soul left footed to the rhythm of a guns prone.
automatic triggering open the flood gates to hell. the gate keepers
to the well, stuffing ourselves until we swell.
we follow the rivers to the piles we render. the stench is vile to the point
it becomes splendor. a famine soaked treasure.
specters along the lines between the lines, we don't exist.
moving seismic; waves to all villages, drowning there existence.
misfits as gods, wolves playing sheep, devilish priests'
weaving façade and deceit.
leaving at odds the deceased, we are disease. A plague that persists.
a wound that never concedes.
our legacy runs along the concrete side by side to the soil's crease.
an imagery that burns like boiled grease.
years in death, consumed by spoiled grief. the masses springing
to die quick in a coiled peace.
brothers in arms ripping brothers from arms. leaving mothers in harm.
fathers on guard get ripped apart. sisters raped simply for the art.
families disbarred, charred and burned with no regard.
villages upturned and pillaged. overthrown by kings of false privilege.
queens of forced leverage, princess' of scared lineage.
kingdoms united under stolen courage.



















edited for errors.

[Split]

Inno
first i'm just gonna pick out the sections that stood out to me, then break it down as a whole. I feel that works better to help me frame these pieces in their entirety as lyrics and as stories. and it apppeals to my ADHD

eardrums burst, blood stained shirts worn as the soil played confetti
> cool metaphor

even death is humble.
> this added a lot of perspective to the scene you were painting, really resonated as a profound line. maybe the best phrase you've ever put to paper.

the blood soaked air, we breathe in the scene. Red sons under red dawns.
Thought this was dope, but it would've been cool if you incorporated it literally, somehow... like as a part of the setting. I feel like if you include turns of phrase as descriptive or natural to the scene it makes them more real, more organic

we waltz to each bullet thrown.
>cool... obv dancing for bullets isn't a new concept, but waltzing is so formal and abusrd it just worked.

wolves playing sheep, devilish priests'
weaving façade and deceit.
leaving at odds the deceased, we are disease. A plague that persists.
a wound that never concedes.
>best part of your work, lyrically

overthrown by kings of false privilege.
queens of forced leverage, princess' of scared lineage.
kingdoms united under stolen courage.
>pretty cool. didn't like "stolen courage." Also, i think if you swapped the royalty with like, the equivalent roles of warlords/ revolutionary chieftains it would have added more depth and believability to the piece


Overally, a really good verse. Honestly, I think it was your best on the site so far. I still prefer your poemz though. It's because your poems incorporate your attention to detail without becoming unbalanced in scope. Here, and in a lot of your topicals, you seem to dwell on the physical details and the microcosms of your world w/out paying attention to metaphysical things (role of the community, sculpting how the story affects people and the society in a way that reflects a theme or the topic itself) or the 'arc' of your story.

Everything seemed more or less in place, conceptually... you had the groundwork. It was real solid. Imo what separates your very good verses from becoming great/ outside the realm of criticism for completeness or quality, is the four or five lines that branch out like a spiderweb, that might not serve a visceral purpose but relate everything within your verse to one another... conceptual flow, almost

Here/ in ur topicals in general, I feel like you tend to force an ulterior theme... in this case "war is art". It didn't work for me. Your story was trying to say something else, something that was valid in and of itself. Like, you have a desk-fan that is facing the wall... instead of turning it around to face you, you built a system of cardboard tubes that loop around the desk and point at your face... you even opened the window to let the fan move air, but then you forced your hand.. ALL U GOTTA DO IS TuRN THE FAN AROUND AND LET IT DO WHAT ITS SUPPOSED TO DO

I think this breakdown puts in words why your poetry is killer and ur topicals are less so... poems dont need this sort of conceptual framework to provide a theme or w/e.

Mechanically/ rhythmically.. this was a lot better than usual. Rhymes were kind of predictable, and there wasn't a lot of flow or a solid cadence to lead between the lines... but the multis/ end rhymes/ inners worked together decently to keep things mixed up and consistent.

word tho. Stop forcing your themes. Let ur story lead, all u gotta do is point it in the right direction and make sure its steady on its feet





Vulgar

so dead @ declared SCUD missiles a nuisance

This was dope, son. good synthesis of traditional storytelling, Vulgarian reference art, and off-kilter humor

lol you really took the humor in the topic photo and ran with it.

intro was super enigmatic. I thought about the blood/ water rezzy quote for a while, still puzzled. a bit. I dont understand the significance of the twins, or if it was supposed to match up with the end... I lumped it all together as rebirth/ commitment to change like how a new child would make your life shift... really clear progression of ideas, and mad funny too. A couple stumbles here and there, mechanically. Not even stumbles, really, just nits i'd pick. Cause as usual, as a whole you were technically godlike

dad's inspired line was whack to me, u didn't characterize violence as masculine just sorta highlighted the need for maternal love...

I thought the bracketed stuff was unnecessary... I get that you had to separate it into a foreground/ background, but you lost me with the Founding Document and Prospective Donor bit... although, I do kind of like the Donor bit, just getting it now

Like, Africa as a whole just needs a mother to love it and care about it... not a father figure i.e. what it has now... actually really cool. Lol@ it being in the form of foreign aid/ charity work. 2Political. It's a weirdly cool critique, a parody without being a satire, but it isnt silly or light-hearted.


Verdict




Really good showing by both. Innovator left me wanting more, he was on the verge of taking the story to a unique place that I can only describe as shellshock symphony. Vulgar was much broader in scope, touched on the geopolitical aspects of it all, and somehow humanized it without resorting to a convoluted plot to stand-in as a metaphor for everything.. very direct.

Imo, Vulgar snagged this w/ supreme mechanics and a fuller, more rewarding story. Thx to both writers, I enjoyed delving into both of your verses... Inno I hope u take that leap forward, if it is at all clear to u what i was getting at. Dope battle. Keep keyin.

[Objective]

Vulgar: Interesting and great opener. Very descriptive as usual, paints a great image of the situation and introduces the characters. Continues on great, rhymescheme on point... Maybe a bit too on point and too descriptive with ''child soldiers, fortified, ages 4-5''. Why? Because what great comes out of a child soldier that young? Are you really telling me the child soldiers they got are 4-5 years of age? If they're strong enough to even carry a gun the recoil would be too much, and in a face-to-face battle they'd lose horribly. I think it would be better if you said they had child soldiers from the ages of 4-5 rather than them being that old cuz it just doesn't really make any sense when it comes down to it, you know? That said anything else is dope af and in your usual style. (''Broken cradles of civilization, delinquents fumbling with pacifiers'' as an example.)

The finnishing lines were dope but kinda drifting apart from the opener where you said someone was having twins, or are you moving away from that now? Love the name of the ''doctor'' as well.

Overall I had some questions about certain things in your piece but the execution was neatly done and tucked in with plenty of imagery, creative, dope technical aspects in the rhyme structure from time to time and on point flow-wise, descriptive as fuck and a story that's easy to engage in. Taking your previous works into account and facing them against eachother with a total score of 10 I'd give this a 7.0/10 due to the stuff I pointed out. If what I pointed out proves to be wrong, feel free to correct me in a PM.

Innovator: You start right off the bat and paints a vivid picture of what's going on. No bullshitting here on what's happening to say the least. You get skyrocketed into the atmosphere you're trying to portray which is dope, but also kinda predictable with the picture given. Yet you managed to get my attention early on by ease and I want to read on to see where it takes me.

The imagery and descriptiveness is nice, ''the dust so thick it covers the bodies that serve as rubble'', I liked that. I didn't like this so much tho; ''we waltz to each bullet thrown.'' Bullets aren't thrown, they're fired, or shot, throwing bullets would make your enemies laugh which might give you an advantage in terms of charging, or you'll just give them supplies if they're lacking ammo. So just like Vulgar did with the ''ages 4-5''-line you sacrifice logic with rhyme-structure. It sounds nice when spoken out loud or read, but it doesn't really serve its purpose when it comes down to it. I love the idea and about the waltz around bullets etc., but I didn't enjoy the execution of it. The following line was pretty dope though.

Overall you did a great job with this piece but it was pretty predictable so you lose quite a bit on the creativity department of the piece as a whole even though there were lines in there that really shined. The rhymescheme is one of the better I've seen from you so that was refreshing to see, and it's cool that you've upped yourself in that department. I think what is left for you is really trying to think a little bit more outside the box in terms of the concept of the piece itself as you certainly have lines that stand out and a flow to go with it. It wasn't bad by all means, thought it was cool and I enjoyed the read, but you still kinda need that little extra to ''wow'' me and earn some votes.

Vote: Goes to Vulgar. Dope battle and I enjoyed both reads. Both stayed on topic as well. Overall I thought Vulgar had the better concept of the piece which was abit more interesting as opposed to Innovators more predictable approach. Both had rhymeschemes and some interesting lines throughout, but Vulgar came out as the victor to me.

[oats]

Vulgar:

This was a finely-crafted, well-conceived, and undeniably entertaining verse. There's a fresh worldliness that permeates it, and it touched upon very real problems facing the African continent - geography, arbitrary borders, lack of resources, systemic corruption, etc. Definitely an accurate representation of the dizzying complexities that are Africa's problems.

But what really struck a chord with me was the characterization of a parentless continent, meeting a (non-threatening) dictatorship as its mother. This provokes a great deal of thought. Is that a reliable description? If it is, is it a more ideal parental candidate than say the democratic republic father? The effect of this was that, while maintaining an almost humorous tone, the end was so bittersweet. I really didn't know how to feel - happy that it has a mother? Sad because it's probably an abusive mother? Should I sympathize for the very real danger that Africa is in a constant state of, or stick my nose up and laugh at it alongside everyone else? I don't know if this is making sense to you, but that's what this verse did to me. I really, really loved it, definitely stands out to me as one of my favorite pieces from you. I haven't read Innovator's verse yet, but he's got a tall task in front of him.

Innovator:

This was an excellent verse for what it was. That is, this was pretty much a character sketch, and the descriptions you provided were very solid all the way through, with a handful of knockout lines as well (marred within the brush strokes of victims scars comes to mind). I think you captured the inner-conflict that these men must go through - it's a tug o war between their self-preservation instincts and their sleep-deprived moral compasses. But you painted a beauty into the tragedy, and skillfully so.

My qualm with this verse is that it didn't attempt more. As a sketch, it was brilliant, but you can do so much more with it! If you were to weave a narrative into the descriptions, this would be a near flawless verse where I would be nitpicking for something unsavory. As it is, it just screams to be more developed.


Vote: Though Innovator surprised me here, gotta give it to Vulgar. He was firing on all cylinders, and while Innovator's verse was the equal to Vulgar's in some ways, it was overall outdone. Great battle though, probably my favorite I've read so far.

[PancakeBrah]

Vulgar-

Awesome. This, Wise's, and big baby's verse are probably my favorites of the first round although I have three or four battles still to read. Your approach to the topic was nuanced. I think someone could skim-read this and think it doesn't relate but it does in both a literal and metaphorical sense. Your theme was one that you don't read to often on this site, basically an ode to the familial structure couched by describing the potential benefits of such in typically war torn areas. Your trademarks were here, in terms of the actual writing of the piece. Tight wording and the rhythm throughout, it never experienced any bumps or breaks. I think your rhyming was a titch (just a titch) less complex than usual but it was still a strong point. Any real qualms I'd type out would be nitpicky in nature. Well done.

Innovator-

This was very well written, and probably stands as the best verse I've read from you on the site. I could tell you put forth an effort with this, knowing your opponent. I thought the language throughout was unique, and the wording stronger than I expected. In a vacuum, you probably rhymed a bit better than your opponent and had a more fluid flow to your piece. The content department is where your verse gave way to your opponent's, though. Not to say the content was bad; I was interested in what you said all the way through. But the theme and concept of your verse was a bit pedestrian; it's been done before. You wrote in such a way that it was still interesting but I think you put yourself behind the eight ball a bit, conceptually, by not striving for a bit more nuance. Also, I think the relation to the topic was there but just slightly off the mark. This was a very ominous piece and while the picture depicts soldiers, yes, it's much more lighthearted than someone would guess by reading this verse. That's a small quibble to have, though. Overall this was a strong piece of writing.

I think Inno's verse, or a verse of similar calibur, could have won many matchups this week. But Vulgar shined on a conceptual level that he didn't match. Both verses were strong in terms of actual writing but I think Vulgar's content won the match.

v/ Vulgar

[Red glare]

vulgar.

reading verse after verse after verse after verse if i pulled the verse from a hat. 9 out of 10 times I can spot the vulgar verse. the 1 time I can't. it's a zygote misprint. or a losing championship verse.

elite portrayal

Fortresses and bazaars in Zaire pulverized, the fires smoldered
Violent cultures of tribal warlords, child soldiers, fortified, ages 4-to-5
If it's cold outside of the warm cocoon and you awaken, mortified
Avoid the warring hives, and resume the trek into that formless guise

slick scheming here^

overall this verse really resonated with me. a continuation of the good word. and I couldn't of said it better myself


innovator

the blood soaked air, we breathe in the scene.
Red sons under red dawns.
as the streets bleed. the trees breathe in the rot from the bodies posed.
dancing through a grenade ball. we waltz to each bullet thrown.

dope^

innovator, this was a kingsman tale told from the noble citizens lowly perch...a merchant of fish - you are a salesman of meager beginnings who sneaks into the march, through the barracks and walks by the side of a great leader for a brief moment in time.

vulgar was that great leader.

vote - vulgar