ROUND ONE: (14)Split Eight vs. (19)Veritas - (SPLIT EIGHT WINS 5-2)

[PancakeBrah]

The Winter Topical
Split Eight The Mind Assassin

Topic
http://25.media.tumblr.com/fdfb966d849b9c1a12c8dd775a89b763/tumblr_mpo7s6mEhF1rub0hvo1_500.png

Check In Deadline: 1/11/2014
Verse Deadline: 1/15/2014,11:59 Pacific
Voting Deadline: 1/18/2014 (4 Votes Required)
Line Min/Max: 16/48
Extension/Line Extension by request. Must be agreed to.

Good luck to both.

[Split]

="Dad? He seems kinda lost."
>"Well, this isn't his home. But he doesn't know that."
="I mean, he looks like he's in a whole nother world"
>"I... I think he's just bored"

the jungle escaped me.

their sad, pacing amazement disgusts.
ever facing subtle cravings of lust, for my power- supple and fatal,
that would devour their fucking Cradle to a basin of dust.
this containment is civil. whittled by masons, who dug
into loam. stuffed with numberless stones, grains of
of an alien soil that's drained through a plug
it's nothing of home.. a dreary and embroiled painting of love-
like the type you hurriedly clone, hang to adjust an uglier tone.
Ridicule. Something husks in clinical rehab might fake
and cynically recap the why's within fate w/ no curtain curtailing the scene.
It's they who have crated the orange-red embers-
for our failings were due, exploring the tethers of Siberia's sheen,
the glaring of dew and the open of space no city could grasp,
they left us at ease, to gaze on infinity's Kingdom of Wrath.
An inanimate magistrate, condemning millions to glass
and dominion would have that masses would reign...
the last King, sat alone in his cage with his vision glowing ablaze.

long enough- I've pondered the forest ahead,
a pandering storyboard spread, flora whose fauna oft flew
or just stalked in the pews like a wandering court for the dead.
you wore the morning regret that your enormity slept.
I bottled a quart for the tenth of the blood that you bled.
invested remorse in morality's debt. slobbered on teeth,
vengeance is sweet. saccharine stench. noxious to breathe
again and again, like smog in the streets. the cough on my breath.
I'm their savagery, dreamt, as they slumped in their seats:
the sepia tone that wept into stupors like Damocles' dreams-
greedy, and gold, it's seldom complacence will fold with sutures of fur-
sunburst like the velvet liquor that they sip to belabor their words.
simmering. cinema still. venomous swill, sitting to fill.
pity's an imagery-pill, but the predator watches, not seeks.
prey for the day when I walk through the streets...

you and I have lived together, but remember.
I am the one looking out.

the jungle escaped you.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/fdfb966d849b9c1a12c8dd775a89b763/tumblr_mpo7s6mEhF1rub0hvo1_500.png

[veritas]

INTRO

Majestic fur locked in a zoo’s habitat. Bengal stripes on display where the folks gather at.
giant claws with fearsome jaws to flatten flat: Equipped were both upon the awesome cat.
The fact that it’s encapsulated nature captivated the savor of man’s favor upon the earth,
Paying for bathing in the power of enslaving another living creature since its birth,
Still in yet, few and far between were the days that the noble beast ever felt confined.
Because as long as he made the human children smile, the thought never crossed his mind

Visualize: 7 years later….

The cold rainy weather soaked his fur; chills ran down his emaciated frame
The zoo was empty of plenty, the workers stopped caring, preparing for blame
No pitter patter of field trip’s feet, no family outings of value-infused morality
Yes this zoo was history, flawless victory, and Socrates the tiger was owed fatality
The rain beat upon him callously; he whimpered and moaned in agony
Then closed his eyes to die, but instead he entered the spirit realm magically:


SOCRATES’ JOURNEY TO ENLIGHTENMENT

Socrates sprawled across the pinnacle of the mountain overlooking the city
The air up there was rare, purposed, briskly brushing his coat, swiftly,
It gained force and changed course, going up and under and lifting
Transporting to where the humans blundered through their living….
He saw a man, with lines of worry etched in his face, with a decrepit stench caked
Sleeping on the dirty street, with no shoes on his feet, begging as hunger’s template
Was shown a woman of beauty, huge breasts, seduction, her function’s men relate
While she would gyrate inside of cages on the stages of a club called “hell’s gate”
Caught a vision of a young man with a plan to rule the land by his hand in a scam
Then robs another of his earned pensions, by being the wolf disguised as a lamb
Socrates was shown a young boy who was scared to go to bed, with urine he would wet it
Cuz drunk dad would come home and make him give him head, beaten, and called pathetic
Caught a glimpse of the politician who calls his wife, says: “honey I will be late w/ work”
Then called in his secretary for some elected “very” adulterous demons to lurk
The trip through the city continued, Socrates was given a glimpse of a young woman crying
In her hands is a letter from the military, saying that war was the cause of her love dying
Socrates was transported to a psych ward, where men acted as the beasts, turned zombie
Saw a morbidly obese man shoveling food after food into his face, lived in waste, sloppy.
Was brought to a drug den, and saw men, unconscious, unkempt, women of prostitution
Saw a preacher preaching hate, to educate his take upon the solution.
Was taken to the streams which now teems full of chemical pollution
And then a normal man, who lived quietly amidst all of this confusion
he saw walk into his apartment, silently sob and write a note thanking no one for anything
Then pulled his revolver from the drawer, aimed for his cranium, cocked, and let it ring.

In a flash, Socrates was back in the cold and rain, and was returned to his pain of life
He now smiled and purred in contentment as the universe turned off his strain of light
In his final breath he had discovered the greatest secret that was hidden amongst the ages,
It was that the human beings were in fact the prisoners, but they just lived in bigger cages

[NYCSPITZ]

Veritas one of my favs from you, same with split. Both ended on some dope profound shit that I was feeling. Veritas I can see a distinct impression of your psyche upon this work which is a good thing. As far as rhyme scheme and, multies, flow, the whole technical aspect...split was better. The tiger's perspective was more fleshed out in split's version and his word usage fleshed out the story and gave it more depth. I liked your offering though and look forward to your continued elevation. Split, pretty sick piece here man, enjoyed it. Dope turns of phrase, quasi-black in some parts with lots of depth to it. Sentient alpha Tiger bringing down the judge's hammer on humanity. Similar in concept to VERITAS both about tigers viewing humanity critically but split just pulled it off better imo.

V/ split

[big baby]

haha this is great.

Let me start off with split. I really don't think split could have came better, though in my dream he came way better, probably cause I was writing for him, because well it's my dream, anyway, my dream didn't really pan out the way his writing did, but it's still stellar. Also, for the record, in my dream split 8 wasn't battling veritas, I think it was zygote? lol @ you think I remember the actual opponents. Anyway.

Such a fine verse, split. You're really showing...hmmm pizzazz. It's cool. Nothing really extraordinary (from both writers) Though, I have to say, TMA's last line was a very great image, and I was waiting for the finale, and that was it. Which was great. Let me ask you this, why start off a verse with such detailed enriched...wording, then start to fall off towards the most important part?! That was a downer. I do this, too, though. In my verse, I corrected it about 6-7 times (moderators,admins can see this I think) and you can see the switches I made. I don't remember, but I advise namix PancakeBrah Certain ? To look at the switches I made, not to actually read the verse, but the way a rough draft, can actually be shined up and polished to achieve a better verse. I feel TMA did just this.. I can see his vocab just slightly diminish, and I can see more of a linear thought..more of a roughdraftish type. And mechanics wise, you were sort of outshone, in some parts. That's why I bring it up because it's SUCH a big factor. Because, typically most people can set up verses decently, but this is split 8, the dude has improved over the past year, really, and has wowed me to some effect. This was actually one of TMA's better verses. - concept wise. I read it, thoroughly and enjoyed it, really I did, and the actual content, was stellar, but I felt it was stringed a long, sort of...lackadaisically? it wasn't bad, I just felt you didn't really focus on the gut of the verse in this area, the last two lines were good in that area, the beginning was particularly strong. Whereas split sort of remained consistent the whole battle. I know typically I shouldnt really address this, since well, I'm the off-the-wall type, and typically some of my verses have a sort of start,stop, go, long, short sense that can turn people off. This didnt have that though, it just lacked a inner depth of mechanics in the most important, and explanatory part of the verse.

Split eight. Now you had a decent story. You almost kinda made me roll my eyes, but you didnt overdo it. You had more of a, rooted verse, where whatever person reading, whether it be someone the initial character looks up to, or someone that is giving guidance. Your wording, was, dope. And I just-re-read it and this part was woven so neatly it just made me wince.

I'll cast my decision here, and keep breaking down verses, as I don't want anyone skimming through just to see what I casted, rather than waste their precious time reading (split 8.)

I bottled a quart for the tenth of the blood that you bled.
invested remorse in morality's debt. slobbered on teeth,
vengeance is sweet. saccharine stench. noxious to breathe
again and again, like smog in the streets. the cough on my breath.
I'm their savagery, dreamt, as they slumped in their seats:
the sepia tone that wept into stupors like Damocles' dreams-
greedy, and gold, it's seldom complacence will fold with sutures of fur-


that was stellar, very veryy good. I liked the word usage of stupor, cause that word is very frequent in texts mentioning Damocles. Heh. What a doozy!

Highlighted from veritas verse, you can see certain underlying difference between splits mechanics and his mechanics, and here they are.


"In a flash, Socrates was back in the cold and rain, and was returned to his pain of life
He now smiled and purred in contentment as the universe turned off his strain of light
In his final breath he had discovered the greatest secret that was hidden amongst the ages,
It was that the human beings were in fact the prisoners, but they just lived in bigger cages"

This is what I'm referencing. The longer more drawn out sentences told just as much as you could have done in shorter refined sentences, imho. Also the ending had (though drawn out very well) a bit of a cliff. It almost left me hanging, but it didn't. But then it came back and struck me, and it did. But then, it didnt again. Why? Reason being is that, this was just a thought, a concept in time. The chronological period went from the life span of the tiger, from almost a decade, to then randomly just ceasing to exist internally. Why? Why wouldnt you expand on that particular reason? Why the sudden timehop? Like I said in objectives verse, if he had coupled this in, it wouldve made a stellar verse, regardless of mechanics, or consistency (though you displayed that here.) i don't want you to think you were outclassed. You weren't..really, at all. And you may re-read your verse very proud and wondering why I voted against you. It wasnt because you're not a decent writer, it's because you are. Split 8 remained in an almost off kilter consistency, and thank god he did. He went with more depth in the words of his trivia, rather than the concept he delivered. What a cool battle with opposing points of view. Good luck guys. This was good, and if I can do it, the LOTB was definitely tma's closer.

:-)

[PancakeBrah]

Split-

This was exactly the type of verse I was expecting from you. Not in regards to the topic but just the level of quality you were going to put out for this tournament. Everything that I've thought about your style bore out here; it's the improved Split. Dialed in, without the superfluous elements. You were structured, but you unleashed your almost poetic phrasing and ethereal vocabulary laced wording at specific points to 'wow' as opposed to overwhelm. The actual approach to the topic was rather straightforward; an entry-level topical writer could look at this approach and arrive at your concept. The key was the execution. You took the obvious route but by the time I worked my way through path of ideas you couched so eloquently I arrived at the end very satisfied in the journey. Another voter said you had some black d-like elements to your verse and that's very true; from some of the punctuation to the actual style itself you can see some influence. You were able to make it your own, though. You started both of your main stanzas very well in terms of scheme. The content throughout was solid. It was like watching a classic black and white film remastered in color for HD.


Veritas-

Very good verse, probably the best I've read from you on this site. Your concept and endgame was focused from the on-set and aside from a few slips in phrasing or wording (in my eyes) you wrote at an adequate level. I had the preconception at the start of this verse by seeing the tiger was named Socrates that I would have trouble not rolling my eyes but you never came off as preachy here. You were stating facts, observations, instead of pontificating. You instead reserved your judgment and theme for the end in a very well worded and applicable thought. Even in the meat of the verse (Socrates dreamscape) you were able to phrase the plight of man and the obvious cliches and tropes associated with that uniquely enough that I never felt the commentary was tired. The ending, as I said, was strong.

Great battle. I haven't read every battle yet but I'd have to imagine this is going to be one of the best of the first round. Both writers essentially wrote on the same concept (with the deviation here or there) with Split working in a more ethereal world and Veritas in a more concrete reality. This was close, but the way Split worded his verse, and the ideas he touched on, left more of an impact. Great match fellas.

v/ Split

[trap.]

Split. Well worded. Too much for my liking. Thought I had an idea of where you were going with the beginning. Had no clue during the middle of the first verse. At the end of the first verse, a tiger approaches. About the same for the second, except a cage was in there. Totally couldn't relate to any of it. However, it was impressive just by design.

V. Your verses were more clearer. I liked the beginning. Somewhere in the middle it got murky, mostly with thr way you tried to force multis into the tigers viewing of each person. By that point you could tell where the story was going, but that's not your fault. This was a lot more appealing to my senses. The verbiage was less strong but kind of carefully crafted.

I guess I'm going against the grain here. My vote is for V.

[Pent uP]

Split - Dope verse, imagery was top notch, wording was top notch. Didn't really know what I expected from you but I liked it. I cringed when I saw the non-rhyming intro but I let it slide. it's always been my opinion the only thing that doesnt have to rhyme with everything else is the title, other then that its part of the verse and it has to count as both the lines and the structure etc of what I'm reading. I liked the perspective you gave though. IDK not much to say about this - thats a compliment in itself.

Veritas -- Man that hells gate line sparked a dope metaphor/analogy in my head and I thought to myself how cool it would be to compare strippers and tigers in the wild VS in the club...thanks for that hahah. The ending was cool but pretty forseeable. I didn't like the rapid-change imagery that your verse relied on. I also felt you focused on the negative too much and it crafted your verse into something easier to tackle. I think just focusing on a stripper the whole time would've benefited you (lol im kidding and serious at tthe same time).

Overall -- I think veritas had a simpler verse, and a verse that was easier to write in all categories. I also didn't like vertias' long ass lines. I think Split had a beautifully crafted verse, even for how simple it was in itself, the writing made it seem excellent (rather, made it excellent). Not much else to say


vote -split 8

[Certain]

I probably won't get to vote, but this needs a bump.

[CopyPat]

interesting. pretty cool pic

split, your flow/structure, scheming was pretty dope man. but i honestly had really no idea wtf u were saying. i am not poetic and never pretended to be, so i didn't relate to this at all. I'm sure it wasn't, but to me it just seemed like a bunch of random elements and references put together lol sorry dude, just not my style. I kindof understand the jungle escaping you part as it relates to the picture but then that was really the only thing that related to the pic.

Veritas, this was a pretty straight forward approach, which i liked. To me as a topical, you incorporated way more elements of this PIC to this verse, which being a picture only round i think was the point??? your story had me engaged the whole time.. splits i had trouble doing that. You wrote about a lot of relate-able subjects to people and u created an interesting and original concept about the pic. split killed u on the technical aspect of writing, which for the most part i am all about, but ur simpler approach lyrically worked well in this case with not trying to overdo this. idunno, everything was just very fluid and not over complicated. The last thing that i really liked about veritas verse was that he took a pretty rotten story and actually gave it a happy ending lol, so i liked that aswell. felt finished. plus the last bar was really dope with the bigger cages.

VOTE: Baldy

[Witty]

Split 8 - Wow, you have really elevated since the last time I read one of your pieces, this was written with artistic aplomb and the flow was brilliant from the beginning to the end. It was very poetic, the only gripe I had with it is that at times I thought it was TOO poetic, and I get that the kind of style had in this piece is a style a lot of people here will enjoy, and I do too, but only up to a certain point. There is a line pieces can past when they become too obscure, and for me there were times in this piece when that was the case, I believe that the idea is to communicate and to leave to reader with no doubt about the meaning behind your words. I am nit picking but I feel I have to because in terms of technical ability this was a truly brilliant piece and I just feel with a little more thought for the reader you would have really allowed me to connect more. It felt like you were inside your own head at times, and I was outside looking in through frosted glass...I could see the outline of what you were trying to say but I didn't really understand fully where you were going with it. Again, nit picking, but I do believe it is important to do so. This was brilliant tho, you wrote with great talent and intelligence and you nailed the topic. Very impressed with your technical ability here, you have got so much better in such a short period of time. You're gonna be a force to be reckoned with in the very near future.

Veritas- this was very strong story telling, from beginning to end everything that was happpen was clear and well described. A lot of the time in topical pieces I tend to get lost and lose track of what is actually happening or where the story is going but I didn't get that with this piece, I followed the story from start to finish and thoroughly enjoyed it. about half way through the piece I thought to myself 'Oh, I think this is going to be about the fact that we lock animals in cages while we also live in cages just bigger and without bars' and I thought that was a really cool way to take the topic, and when I got to the end of the piece and that was indeed the moral to the story, I was very content because, even though I had an idea it was coming, you got me there without losing my attention, and you wrapped it up well. A lot of your wording really threw me off tho, it was very awakward a lot of the time, such as ' with urine he would wet it' and 'to educate his take upon the solution.' and that I think was really the main drawback of this piece, it genuinely bothered me quite a lot because I feel, with the story you told so well, just working on your wording really would have made this a beast of a verse, so I was disappointed in that regard. The story you told was very captivating though, and enjoyed it very much.

I have thought about this for the last 10 minutes, I wrote the breakdowns and then read the pieces again, since then I've been sitting here trying to figure out who to vote for. Veritas had a really good piece in terms of the story itself, but I don't think the wording was good enough, and the importance of wording in what we do really can not be stressed enough. On the other hand, Split had the art of technical writing down to a T here, it was really impressive, for me few things are more enjoyable than a piece that is worded to perfection, and so easy to read, there are just a few lines that I thought kept the reader on the outside looking in, in terms of comprehension, while V's brought the reader along for the ride. I think I'm gonna have to go with Split, he had a few obscure lines but I felt he just wrote better. I would not be suprised if V gets more votes tho, this is the closest battle of the first round.

BOTW, easy imo.