P.S. I hate you.

[Objective]

The verse I was supposed to write against bleak some time ago. He deserves the win since I no-showed him, if anyone with power see this message, feel free to give him the W and add a loss to my stats. This piece also ended up being longer than what we agreed upon. Either way, if anyone cares to read, this is what I eventually came up with and basicly the only thing I've written in a while:

http://images.sodahead.com/polls/003166253/481570462_suicide_7_xlarge.jpeg

Monday:
He's been inside for a week,
as thoughts fought itself pride's gettin' weak.
An emotional freak, scattered, battered and bleak,
he'd seek help if he wasn't too shattered to speak.
When he weep the puddle of tears crumble in fear.
The sheer pressure mumble for somebody to care,
there's nobody there except for empty bottles of beer.
He yelled to the sky, Lucifer replied; God isn't here..

Tuseday:
Too cold to cry and sleep deprived,
for a week he's survived his wives suicide.
He became the symbol of sadness in life,
wearing the shell of a man that once was alive.
Beyond mental, overbearing pain doesn't cover it,
he feel shame when he crave for his lovers clit.
A relationship on the side, what happened to pride?
Perhaps that was that the reason she died?

Wednesday:
Done asking questions for the tears he's shed,
and thinks he's the reason to why his angel fled.
Spends the day watching her empty side of the bed,
If only he could explain his eternal regret,
but it doesn't matter now that she's dead..
He'll just sleep through the sorrows instead...

Thursday:
When he opened her envelopes shit got worse,
he found out that she wanted to file for divorce.
The cries in the hallway stole the remains of his heart,
he stood there till his tears ripped the letters apart.
As he glanced at her art he smiled at the signature name,
then reality struck and he entered third degree pain.
And felt shame for the woman that once gave him birth,
For what was he worth beside of excess weight on this earth?

Friday:
The phone is ringing but he doesn't answer it,
tired like when the final stage of cancer hits.
Sure they had disputes, but she was cheating first,
I guess his kind of revenge is one of the worst.
When she figured it out it was too much to bare,
Plus she had kept it going for over a year.
His friends kept him dear and knew how he's been,,
when he didn't pick up the phone they called it in.
At night he arrived at the mental institution in all its glory,
I just wanted to share his side of the story..

[Sharp]

Interesting read, I feel like you could do more technically to contribute to the flow. A few of the rhymes were a little choppy, but from what I read from you I'm sure you could work on more multi/inner shit. Felt like you found a powerful tone and supported it well, the story itself was pretty effective, I could tell that was your main focus. Overall a pretty good drop, liked reading it, looking forward to seeing more from you. Sorry if this isn't the best feed but I'm not really a creative/OM type, I just dont like seeing any piece get slept on.



and yay at my random act of kindness being post 1000 in OM

[Angkor]

Hey man, thanks for the feed. As promised heres a returned feed.

I have a few critiques of this. First, I wasnt a fan of the first 2 lines. Homonyms works in audio but as a wrotten piece i feel it doesnt carry over as well. Week and Weak is the same sounding word so it came off rather lazy to me. The rhymings are a bit too prdictable to me but i like the content of that first stanza. It was a great set up for the rest of the verse. The main critique i had for this piece were Wordings and rhymimg. It felt very flat. In narratives, details are very important to me. I should be able to see, smell and hear the characters. I felt for the most part you were telling as oppose to showing. And the rhymes consists of mainly end rhyme. I would suggest fuckin around with different rhyming techniques to spice the verse up a bit.

However i do like the story. Its about a very emo cat dwelling in misery. The paradox here is that i like the story because i hated the character. I think he's depressed cause his wife died and later he found out that she was a cheat which drove him insane. I felt zero sympathy for this character because i found him annoying from the beginning. And because this verse was anle to draw out some kind of feeling out of me, it achieved what it was set out to do imo, despite the intent of the writer...if that made any sense at all lol. Overall this was entertaining piece. Good shit.

[Darth Yoda]

I liked the idea of it. Contents very cool.

[Just Write]

Tuesday Thursday and Friday were my favorites. flow was exceptional and I really dug the creative idea behind this. props mah dude

[Objective]

Holy shit, I had forgotten about this piece. Thanks for bumping it JW and I'll return the feed laters. Thanks for the feed and I'm glad you enjoyed the read. Thanks for the read and the feed Darth and Sharp Nine. (The feedback was cool Sharp, shit like this is what I hoped for when I first dropped it. Criticism is what I'm after, something I can grow on and I think you pointed out shit out well. Dope that it was your 1000th post as well.)
Lexicon: Dope breakdown and I get everything you're saying here. Characters and character development through my verse have been a thing I have focused on a bit in the AOWL as well, I think I have improved a bit on it. At least this piece did enough to bring something out of you and I really appreciate that you read through it even tho' you didn't like the character, hehe. Even now I can see things I missed and things I still need to focus on after reading the stuff you said. Reading your feed now was probably better than reading it when I first dropped it as it isn't as fresh in memory anymore (if you understand what I'm saying?). Thanks a lot.

[Mr. J]

This was cool the whole vibe was kind of somber
the flow had its shining moments which added to the overall entertainment value
I dig it..the story was on point for the most part it kinda lagged a bit
but maybe it was the usage of days that had thrown off my catch of the rhythm
regardless this was a nice drop..keep writing breh

[YDK]

I liked this man, seemed a bit simple at times an flow was kinda choppy but the content was original an had a nice lil twist to it. I think you could have done alot more with it tho like extended each day and given more detail about the relationship the death and the cheating back stories. Still a solid drop for something with line limits for just and comin drop you def could have added more depth. Good job man keep it up

[IamBenT]

Gonna use quotes to go in, cuz you went in!

"he feel shame when he crave for his lovers clit."

This was a bit jarring for me, seeing as its the first reference of a sexual nature, could have used a few other words to keep the rhyme here and not jar me so much, but maybe that's what you were trying to do??

Wednesday:
Done asking questions for the tears he's shed,
and thinks he's the reason to why his angel fled.
Spends the day watching her empty side of the bed,
If only he could explain his eternal regret,
but it doesn't matter now that she's dead..
He'll just sleep through the sorrows instead...

this day really shined, lyrically flowed great, gave me the heart of who this man is and how he suffers.

"then reality struck and he entered third degree pain"

Didn't like, thought maybe there was a way to word this and the following two lines so it wouldn't come off as awkward

"The phone is ringing but he doesn't answer it,
tired like when the final stage of cancer hits."

Love that line, could have made it even stronger if you turned it into a metaphor instead of a simile.

Wow, this reminded me plotwise of the Clooney film The Descendants in the Husband Wife relationship, but your verse is obviously darker. Some great use of rhyme and simile in several parts of this. I felt it was a solid verse.

[Geno]

Will def read/feed this later cause the pic is vicious.

[Angkor]

I have come by a few times and peeped ur newer verses man. You definitely came a long way with ir narratives. Props bro.

[Coup]

I ain't going to touch on mechanics here, just story devices:

Given that you use the days of the week as templates for story exposition, I feel that you brushed your pen to broadly and did not dive as deep as you could have laying out the heart and soul of this cat.

the problem you wrote about is a basic one that we all can identify with and in, but I feel you just came cliche here and offered nothing unique or fresh besides the common pain of being down trodden by love and life...

what could you have added, well that is up to you. I still did not connect or feel this guy because this is so common, and it seemed to me we were dealing with a text book instead of a real situation.

not bad, because this was super easy to follow, which most likely means it is well written and it was. good job on that.

focus more on characterization, this is your character. give something that would be used in a plot or screen play...establish a here and now, a why and how. give us the story and back story, let us in on the details that were overlooked because this story was one of those that we just had to fill in ourselves, where you have to do that.