AOWL Week 5: Witty (1-2) VS. nO goOd! (0-0) OPEN FOR VOTES!!!

[King Ra.]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum.

Verses are due FRIDAY 3/15 at 11:59 PST.

Extensions are due SATURDAY 3/16 at 11:59 PST. NO LATER!!!

You MUST check in.

You MUST vote on at least 4 other battles. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.


TOPIC: "Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe



Good luck to both participants. Witty nO gOoD!

[Witty]

Check and goodluck

[Dove Dozer]

Check... gluck

[Dove Dozer]

"..As a kid my dreams'll change, as I seem to age,
But there's no knowledge within a book..
If you never read the page.."

My diary of dreams


Sittin in the kitchen, with my coloring book
scribbling and whistlin, while my mother - she cooks
dad heads off to work, I'm always saying goodbye
I wish I could go with him, instead of baking these pies
with mom all the time. She's always waiting, she tries
to keep composed. But it's a lie, I hate when she cries.
On her face sits a smile, like her bones could sing
but underneath, she's scared to death..
as she waits for the phone to ring..

-------------------------------------------

everyday the same monotony, probably gotten me sick..
more than once, made me stop and drop to my knees in a fit..
my man's on tour of duty, but will he ever truely see,
my love is pure and beauty's free, no fees, duty free.
Its true that we pray for him, to arrive and be in peace
Im feelin safe when he's at home, to sleep with me between the sheets
Will they ever understand, how humility stuns a man?
I know life isn't perfect, he aint livin in wonderland.
but I need to have a plan, he's in trees or in the sand
he's my soldier and the bottom line is that he's feeding my fam.

-------------------------------------------

I dream of a cool breeze through trees, curb appeal.
thickets with a picket fence, a subtle urban feel.
my babies playin in the yard. dressed as cops n robbers
what good is livin life if you never stop to bother
to smell the roses? Appreciate everyday of your life,
I'm just an ordinary man who needs a date with his wife,
family campin trips, planing shit, lacin beats in the basement.
Skydiving for an adrenaline rush the feelin's amazing.
I say to the three that I'm raising,
be good for mom while I'm gone..
as I'm yanked back to reality,
from the sound of a bomb.

--------------------------------------------

Through the rubble, the Qu'ran sounds over the city
where the mosques used to stand tall, noble and pretty
now its cold and its gritty, my land blown to bits
soldiers walk our city streets, with their drones and ships
the western world won't destroy, the pride for my people
I'll remember to spread the word, cause our rivals are evil
the bible is see through, they don't see I bleed too,
as I bend down to the ground, I see some paper peek through
in the hands of the enemy, did he cry did he scream?
while he wrote his last entry..


in his...


dairy of dreams..

[Witty]

Yep.

[Witty]

"You've got to have a dream,
because if you don't have a dream
How you gonna have a dream come true?"

He wakes to screams, fear radiating from his own soul
It's so cold, as trepidation seers through each pore
His deep core of pain, the scars with sewn holes
The lone toll of life's bell, ringing; a bittersweet chord
He weeps for his loss, discreet, sore, and tossed
On grief's heap, as deceit sweeps forth the dross
Washed up on pity's beach, bored, and lost
The love he reached for, out of sight, feet tore and soft
Walking on jagged stones, talking in manic tones
Boxed in his tragic home, where life stopped...
Turned to nothing...it's damaged, blown
To smithereens, now his riveting and vivid dreams
Are all he has, he stands shivering from rivers, streams
Immersed and soaked by withered scenes
Of past hope, now just a joke...choked
grabbed at the throat, by things he's never been

*He used to be so different*

Amusing and so gifted, nice girl and beautiful home
Future plans were blooming, his mind used to just roam
Denying blues by writing tunes from his soul
Everyone liked him too, the nicest dude you could know
Listening to his songs, you knew they were gold
Most likely to succeed, you couldn't entice him into greed
When he wasn't writing or on a mic, he would just read
Doing shows for free, his poetry was known to be magic
Made everything he wrote into his own, instant classics
His pen was his friend, his girl was his soul mate
All three journeyed round the world, made their own fate
They didn't know hate, because they'd give it no space
It didn't grow, it couldn't while his gift bestowed grace
.
.
But the world has no space for new flowers
Her cold face...the lid closed...
...he's now sick of hope's taste, it's too sour

*His last dream lasted two hours*

All he ever wanted was simplicity
Now his past self taunts him with his symphonies
Exhausted even when he sleeps, he lives in misery
Tossin' through his memories, crossed back to the seventies
better times, better scenes...the cost of all his melodies
Was it a plan from above that broke his passion and love?
His girl passed from cancer, like wings snapped off a dove
He sinks faster, he's shoved to depression and solitude
They only meet in his dreams, sleep is all he wants to do
Fuck rap, you can keep it, her sweetness was all he knew
His career only worked with her, now the pieces are all unglued
So he dreams, some don't seem real...but some do
And the only reason he weeps, is because...
....this is one dream that will never come true.

"Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men."

[Adonis]

No Good - a verse with a few different characters all directly involved by military. There was a kid whose dad was military, a father who was military and an actual iraqi civilian. I enjoyed the piece, it flowed throughout the entire piece with exception of two places where a sentence was broken and spread between two lines. For me, that disrupted my flow because as I read they seemed separate, and worded wrong. Then id go back and realize it was one sentence broke....I.e "instead of baking pies with mom all the time"...you also did this with the closer. As a verse, I enjoyed it though. It had some description of land and settings sprinkled through out. Good read. No real complaints, very solid writing.


Witty - I like it a lot...The flow was actually really good, littered with multis and syllable counts. A story about a man who loses his Soul Mate and the after math that follows. I wasn't too found of the middle stanza, it played a big part in development which is nice, but the flow seemed lazy there. All one syllable rhymes until the end of that stanza in which they were still one syllable but you added inners. The first and last stanza's were dope. Packed with imagery and the lost art of character development. In the end you laced everything together to the topic very discreetly, yet out for everyone to see.


Vote - This was a great battle. Well I enjoyed both verses, the story's of military and the effects, then the love lost and effects, I thought one was just more sound. Neither of did much wrong, both verses were dope, and you both deserve a (1) in the win column for your writing's. But in the end, I enjoy story's, but I feel Witty's verse had that extra inch as far as more of a complex rhyme while matching, if not surpassing, the emotion from No Good. Battle of the week consideration, great shit both you. Vote witty.

[Mike Wrecka]

nice battle fellas.

no good - amazing verse. i was completely invested in each character. and you being a soldier made it feel very real. there was a ton of emotion here. I actually felt really bad for each person and the situation they were put in. the flow and wording were very strong. i didn't find any hiccups in the cadence at all. you painted a very vivid picture using a lot of imagery and had layers of emotion that was made for an extremely enjoyable read. the last tanza didn't stand up to the rest but i think that's the perspective your farthest removed from. good job.


witty - you did your thing man. dope verse man. the story u told here was a good one. went present day misery with someone living and dreaming of what could have been, went to the past and showed the person when had those same dreams, only difference was that they were actually achievable then. and finally went back to present days and shows how he is depressed sleeping all the time, and dreaming. deep stuff man. blows my mind really. like the dreams, as in aspirations, we had when we were young, might be the same aspirations we have now that we are older. the only difference is the they were achievable then because we had the whole world in front of us so it brought joy to think of those things. now those dreams are more shattered dreams that bring unhappiness cause we know deep down inside its too late to achieve them. wow man. lmao.

structurally this verse was very sound. and had a good flow. your accent throws me off a bit here and there but then i just say it in my head like a leprechaun and it sounds straight. real talk. awesome and very deep verse.


overall - fuck you guys. i hate having too vote on two pieces that i so thoroughly enjoyed but oh well here it goes. i liked no goods slightly more. it invoked a little more emotion right away as opposed to wittys who i had to let marinate a bit. very even but ya

vote- no good

[Brass Body]

No good: I appreciate the storytelling. I'm a story teller myself. And the depth and vividness of your imagery was great. But -- yes, there's a but -- I felt the simplicity in your wording left the read a little bland from start to finish. Nothing to do with the diction, which also could've been better, but I felt like I was reading a Dr. Seuss story. It was good, but too simple for my taste. Overall not bad, but not incredible either. Keep it up man.

Witty, you've changed your style a lot since the last piece I've read from you. I really like it. Less me, more you're own. ;) The wording was really well put and clean. Almost felt like I was reading a modern Edgar Allan Poe. Diction was beautiful too. You weren't as vivid in your imagery as your opponent. But I felt your overall content was leaps and bounds better. Keep it up man.

Vote Witty. Felt his piece was just on a higher caliber of writing.

[Zen]

Cot dayum good battle where's the votes on this shit!?

No good dope first week showing forreal. You've proven this week that you can absolutely tell a story, but I believe that in some cases the wording was kinda like an old school rapper but maybe that's just me lol. But really you dropped a good piece and I think now that you were just fuckin with everybody by saying you're no good haha. Nice piece man.

Witty you finally showed it's a god damn St. Patty miracle. But really great piece and a great story. The story flowed well and you're piece had great imagery throughout as well as more complex wording. Truly the content of the piece won you the day it might be the most creative piece I've seen in the tourney tbh. Props.

Overall Witty's story won the day. Dope battle from both guys

[TYSON]

Best league ever....

No good....great piece. I at first thought the sectioning off would take away from this but it didn't hurt it at all. I felt emotion and I felt realness. U hit the topic very well. Only thing I think u need is vocab and not just throwing big words in but doing what u did there with better rhyme schemes and more griping vocab.

Witty...dope dope dope. Excellent imagery and rhyme scheme. I felt bad for old boy, for real. Losing my wife would devastate me. This hit home to me. I know he should of took her time with him and her memorys as like a inspiration but easier said then done.

Vote....WITTY....for the more powerful piece. No good keep at it bro cause that was a great first read from u....

[patrown]

nogood, i seriously enjoy the directness of your language. the honesty of it if you will. also, going from scene to scene captured and kept my attention. i respect/appreciate the lack of prejudice. i'm not trying to say it looks like you didn't revise, but your style appears to come effortlessly. some more commas and keeping "breaths" of thought to one bar, or adding some punctuation or something to let us know when to continue reading through without a mental pause may help your works reception.
although i really did like this part,
to smell the roses? Appreciate everyday of your life,
I'm just an ordinary man who needs a date with his wife,
family campin trips, planing shit, lacin beats in the basement.
Skydiving for an adrenaline rush the feelin's amazing.
this part did help me relate to the character, but something lost me here. maybe it was the redundant syllable count, (16-16-16).. or the use of "plan(n)ing shit". although shit is a versatile word, i try to avoid it in my writing and do generally frown upon it's substitution for more appropriate, concise words. that one shit made my mind up as far as the vote goes.

witty, i related to this a little too much. i'll try to keep the embarrassment out of my decision though. if you were immersed in any thing, it goes without saying you were soaked in it. mechanics were top notch, nothing i can criticize. impressed by the rhymes overall. these bars amazed me.

His pen was his friend, his girl was his soul mate
All three journeyed round the world, made their own fate
They didn't know hate, because they'd give it no space
It didn't grow, it couldn't while his gift bestowed grace
carried the rhyme most excellent with some top notch flow. i really liked how that sounded.
bestowed grace almost felt forced, but i didn't count it against you. perhaps the woman really liked his writing.

/v witty. hard fucking decision. the multis/carrying rhymes from bar to bar were a huge asset here.

[Inno]

no good

man your story telling was onpoint here...great character developement brah..i felt like i could relate with
the main character...this was dope shit tbh. i mean it flowed great and it didnt have that complex feel to it but
it dame sure had that depth...it had alot more than the surface led to believe. great take on the topic..you made it
your own and i felt like this was a peek into your life....dope.

witty.

man you never disapoint my nigga. your skills are something to watch. this was on some fly shit man...great story telling as well
no mechanically errors from what i see..also the multis are just outstanding and just made your flow and scheme that much doper.
great take on the topic..felt like this had some poetic overtones to it..not to much but just enough for me to notice them...dope shit witty


overall..


im going to be honest with...i thought this could go either way. i mean witty dropped dopenss like usually. cant take nothing away from him
while no good dropped equally dope and seemed to match witty line for line. so for me it came down to who had the better more compelling
storyline..i felt like no good had that..simply because it felt a little more personal than witty's

another dope battle...

no good

[Cereal_Killa]

ng:
Howl'dee story was cool, subtle for its content but still delivered with presence.. Vocab was a lil shaky at times but then at others ie..

my love is pure and beauty's free, no fees, duty free.

^ Nice layered line.. I'ma bit of a fan of that..

overall though this wasnt anything fantastic, its aite def had sweet points to it like the story itself.. though not out of the box, it flowed nicely to the characters revelation of the situation.. Which i enjoyed.. Green n Gold :P

Wit:
Hey umm are you unaware of how obviously huge your sig is i'm just sayin i believe you should make it bigger.. just sayin.. Well well well this was nice.. the take on the topic was cool, your all round flow, structure and emotion was all A grade.. Story itself of a broken man with a broken heart was depicted well and tbh this was a rather strong verse on all aspects.. Pretty solid mate..

vote = witty

I think wit done took this with brute force.. soz NG enjoyed the read guys..

[Frank]

No Good, this was a simple, all american tale - and it registered with me because I'm aware you are a ex soldier. Daps on that. This had a Simpleness to it that reminded me of Forest Gump writing letters to Jenny. You know the scene in the tent, and it's raining and Forrest is just recounting everything for her in a really simple manner. I'm not sure how much effort you exerted writing this but it didn't feel contrived, in other words it wasn't well planned. I could freestyle your verse. Know what I'm saying? It wasn't technical. The charm comes from your real life time as a soldier that trenscends the screen and adds a real life element to your piece. If somebody else wrote this piece, I'd probably say O.K. Alright. Next. You seem like a happy go lucky kind of guy and I read your from an audio background, so you may be able to make that verse come alive with your rapping abilities. Unfortunately, this is a text site. You need concrete content. This was light and could be swept away in one fail swoop. Your verse was like a house of straw. A wolf would blow it down. The section where you talk from the perspective of a female was ehhhhh. Men should not portray little girls, Unless they are that good. All in all. It's your first week Cadet. Show and prove. You spelled diary wrong. Witty, this felt like a diary entry more so than your opponent who labeled his entry Diary of his dreams. The writing was composed and tailored. I thought some of your transitions were crafty. Like the smitherans section. I thought the writing was simply. Not simple like your opponents. This is a fine line between SIMPLY and SIMPLE. Ponder that. Vote goes to Witty

[Frank]

WITTY WINS 7-2