ROUND TWO: (8)ZYG vs. (9)big baby - (BIG BABY WINS 6-3)

[PancakeBrah]

The Winter Topical
ZYG big baby

Verse Deadline: 1/24/2014,11:59 Pacific
Voting Deadline: 1/27/2014 (4 Votes Required)
Line Min/Max: 16/48
Extension/Line Extension by request. Must be agreed to.

Topic
"Spring, summer, and fall fill us with hope; winter alone reminds us of the human condition."
-Mignon McLaughlin

Good luck to both.

[zygote]

HUMAN CONDITION BIRTH/DEATH: THE UNKNOWABLE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.

Now – we are born. We have changed our names so often.
The sun and rain forgotten from those hopeful days of autumn.
Faithfully begotten, one day the day is bound to come -
My newborn palm grasped around your thumb…

Lord Venkateswara looks down into his dungeon. It brings him no pleasure.
Inside the dungeon there is a chained Elephant and five blind, old lepers.

BEFORE YOU IS A CREATURE. THERE ARE FIVE AMONG YOU, AND ALL OF YOU ARE BLIND.
WHOEVER CAN BEST DESCRIBE THE CREATURE, I WILL RESTORE YOUR USE OF SIGHT.

Now filled with hope, for the last 3 seasons the first leper was begging for death,
He begins running his hand up and down the Elephant’s leg -
The first leper speaks, “The creature is obviously as strong as a pillar.
It feels like a tree trunk but the skin is softer than timber.”

As the first leper speaks, the second thinks he has heard just enough,
So he begins running his knuckles across the Elephant’s tusk –
The second leper interrupts, “Bah, the creature is as sharp as a spear.
The skin is not soft, it is hard like iron, it feels just like a plowshare.”

The third doesn’t trust the first two, hrmphh he deeply exhales,
He concentrates on textures as his fingers pull at the Elephant’s tail -
The third leper shouts, “Fools! Both ignorant fools! The creature is as thin as a rope.
Its texture is like cane, wheat, or the long reeds on a hillside’s slope.”

The fourth is frozen, feelings of hope have transformed his stress into fear.
He starts by pressing his palms against the Elephant’s ear -
The fourth leper shrieks, “HAH! Not at all, what an inaccurate claim!
The creature is as flat as a fan. It is not like a slope it is flat like the plains.”

The fifth waits for his final turn as the pressure builds up.
He moves towards the others and feels along the Elephant’s trunk -
The fifth leper screams, “The creature is the same shape as a snake!
The creature is a snake! I see the truth, you have all made a mistake!”

The first leper walks over and slaps the fifth leper across his face.
“Bastard. Your father was a donkey mule. You were born from rape.”
The second leper interrupts “Bah, your mother was a monkey’s whore. “
“You too are a bastard. You have the manner of a rutting boar!”
The third leper stumbles forward, “All of you are fools. Ignorant fools.
I pity your delusions. Others hold you all up to ridicule.”
The fourth leper shrieks, “HAH! Lord Venka knows I am right.
He will free me this cold night and restore sight to the blind!”
The fifth leper screams and leaps once more into the fray,
He knocks the first leper down and begins to claw at his face.
The third and second wrestle while the fourth looks with despair to the air,
“LORD VENKA!” he shrieks, as the others fight, he tears out his hair.

Lord Venkateswara knows they will never figure out the prize.
He watches as they quarrel and gouge each others eyes.

Then - air seeps through the graveyard, we are cautioned to surrender
As we crawl for shelter from the harshness of this weather,
All of us together, our thoughts become so fragile,
It all no longer matters, before the storm it’s calm and tranquil.
Remorsefully we’re thankful for the cold we will receive,
So we hold our hands together and hope for a reprieve...

[big baby]

HUMAN CONDITION. SPRINGS A DAFFODIL, A SAGE OF CALM.

Fell in love with waves of Orinoco, shot it's vacant stream to nether regions
Now it's greenish feather leaflets, blossoming bud on hazel cocoa
I wouldn't take for granted, the picnic painted pastel
in a kiss I taste enamel, mixed in with leaves of fainted basil
If April showers brings May flowers, i'm glad for floret efflorescence
assortment of precious petals wicked so picture-perfect that you'll more than just forget it
During spring the eucalyptus branch where years ago. We used to kiss. So ostentatious.
stare at the stars, connect your face in constellations with my fingertips
The conversations. when chilling gust of wind kisses shut your eyelids
pillars rust. But I didn't. I knew where to feel you up. So much who'd think I was a psychic.
Filtered brush of Hyacinth, crescent pools of iris, you even knew to party
Such a celibate ruse. I wanna just send these troops, an army.
elated volumes, I'll hardly illustrate a Coup d'état tomorrow
but I couldn't wrong you, when you painted amaryllis with your heartbeat.
It's so beautiful, it's so hard to, keep my eyes off of you.
Each day was a luminal rendezvous, summer months played a musical ensemble.

SUMMER SYMPHONIES, BARBEQUE'S, WINE AND CLASSICAL Ravel.


We orchestrated spring awesome. The way we correlate a fling onto
A course where we made our rings, and became a more formulated thing
See the summer heat bleaches our skin, to a buttery cream pecan
Buzzing of bees. Three seasons of touching under the seats, squeezing
Your butt, and your cheeks. And you laughed, but your father didn't
I was more of Beethovens 9th, and you were a soothing Chopin composition
Truth be told, you're more of autumn to me. We would paddle boat on Dawsons creek
You evoked Mozarts' artsy dream, but the boring parts you had omitted
the melody of your curvy form had the rhythm of a jazz musician
See in July, we hit the beaches, the waves invaded your southern peaches
Water would drip form of tempos reaching a Treble clef where your letter-G is
Barbecues. We lit cigars. Oh it was a blast, we had a car
Fireworks. The fire worked, drunk in diners, t'was so bizarre.
She shot a cupid, aimed with perfect symphony so innately ruthless.
To say classical music relaxings' a therapeutic claim. And for you I'm crazy stupid
The way your composition drifted, mixed in at 3am while both of our lips glistened, and our pupils dilated
You waved your composers fingers, in a triangular stint, while my own member gauged a whole choral gracing
Only way I could explain the minutiae you've created was a rubric I citated of musical notation
It's beautiful. To have consummated. Tattoo my symphony in your crevice
etched in the sound frequencies of us saying 'i love you' in your necklace


FALLS CALLED FALL FOR A REASON. FALLING OUT OF

love. not me, you. look, maybe, I'm overreacting
but i'm lonely. I know school has redacted, but I'm lonely.
it happened. they say most of us motherfuckers get stuck and dumb
i was 1 out of a 12 dog litter that got caught up in puppy love.
But spring and summer, were awesome. We saw things we never thought of
and late at night, we whispered, "aw shucks" under covers, awestruck.
but you were undercover. Playing cop to lure the robber
your allure was slaughter. Loyal. But you were sure the plotter
is this really happening? your moral road has no ground to speak in darkness!
It's cold, you know. I'm a codependent prophet. You play the role of soul restricting harlot
but how?
you blossomed lavender orchids by playing sebastian bach with heart strings
So cowardly, now that you're into me? You're just gonna go out. You're kidding me
You played flowery symphonies, that planted roots that plow at my dignity
Oh wow. Now you want to hang out with your best friends, bitch?
Barely see each other. Rain clouds. even ignoring my text message.


WINTER ALONE REMINDS US OF THE HUMAN CONDITION

Now that you're gone. The cold breeze wrinkles my bone.
I'm lonely. Controlling. It's frozen and we said our hellos
I'll lend you a quote, in this narrative, expending unknown
--
"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant:
if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome." - Anne Bradstreet

But now when I'm home, broken, but most of all, what has driven ..
me, is that it's you that I've forgiven. Cause you reminded me through all, of the human condition

[NYCSPITZ]

Chessmaster - awesome work at times here ZYG. Echoes of Aesop and I liked the consistentsy of your characters despite their brief appearances. There are several inconsistencies, however. We start in a dungeon, and end in a graveyard. The beginning and ending are far too abstract for my liking, and it is also highly unbelievable to me that one simple breeze will cause the belligerent lepers to calm down and hold hands. Can't really discern a coherent point, but I will say that the characterization of the lepers was by far the strongest part in this imho. Also, I can't really tell whether you're speaking as author omniscient or as Lord Venkateswara himself, that should be made clear. This is conceptually strong though, echoing the structure of previous pieces you have dropped, and despite my criticism I enjoyed it. Thanks.

Big Baby - Dope, my favorite piece from you by far. The consistency was there, the ending rang profound and the wording was great. A few unneeded flourishes but that's gonna come with your style. Your command of the english language is strong and you definitely weaved a dope lil piece here. The keystyling you do developed solid nueral connections and an affinity for cool unique rhymes but also allowed you to improve your wording for more serious pieces significantly. Echoed real to me. I enjoyed both works but BB took this easily imo. Thanks for the work gentlemen

V/ big baby

[Certain]

ZYG: I preferred "zygote." Anyway, this verse was not your finest submission, thanks mostly to the amount of time you spent rehashing the parable of the blind men and the elephant. I heard that parable often as a child, and I've always liked it and what it says about our understanding of the world. But I was much more interested in your opening and closing sections in this case, as they more directly tied into the topic. Those sections were underdeveloped, and the tie between the parable and those important stanzas was not delineated well enough to link them coherently. That last stanza was beautiful, too, and had you done more to give us light into that world, I think you might have had a great verse. With that said, you told the parable well. You seemed overly focused on the phrase "human condition" rather than the entire quote, which is a shame because the seasonal aspect of it provides much of its beauty.

big baby: This was great. There were some rough edges, but it's one of the best examples of abstract storytelling I've read on these boards. You have such a way with words, but you so often diffuse your themes and trend toward half-assed joking. Those verses are interesting, but this was mesmerizingly beautiful. My favorite part was, "It's frozen and we said our hellos." The music metaphor was a little too outfront in the summer section. But then the fall section was so in-your-face and aggressive that it balanced out well. The juxtaposition of the stanzas and the different tones without having a different style or writer's voice was really nice. Moreover, the structure and content really illuminated the quote. The quote was the heart of the verse, really. I don't know that anyone here could have done better on this topic.

Vote: big baby

[Lars]

Big Baby - Loved some of your wording in this, "greenish feather leaflets" and "picnic painted pastel" were great use of poetic imagery early on that leant well to the topic. This is probably the most cohesive drop I've read from you on a whole, less vague and more vivid with a creativity throughout that lends well to your style. I'd liken it to the Wise Ways piece from last round in that respect, I noticed a few call your style 'abstract' but I'm not sure that's how I would describe it here, this is a lot more coherent than your paragraph pieces, but still with enough of that crazy mental picture painting that i's undoubtably "you" at the helm. You closed strongly as well, great tie-in, real impressive work.

Zyg - I have to agree with Certain as far as the blind men/elephant fable, I thought the section leading up to it felt weaker and not of the same standard I'm used to reading from you. Your wording in your battle raps is far greater than it appears in topical writing, perhaps that's your forte, but for some reason in these shindigs you just don't connect with me on the same way. It was a great attempt, the diction used when the characters were speaking again let you down though, it just came off unnatural and robotic in parts... it could be due to you being a foreigner, I don't know, and it's hard to come across natural with speech in pieces like this where it has to rhyme - but when it's done well it's noticeable, and equally when it's not. I didn't feel it was here. It's a huge stickler for me, personally, when reading these pieces. I actually enjoyed the piece, it's not one of your strongest verses, but was solid. I just felt like Big Baby took this and relatively easily here. His wording, writers voice, and closing statement just resonated stronger with me.

Vote - Big Baby

[Adonis]

Aopogize boys, on my broke phone but since I've read ill vvote, but due to broken from grammar and puncuation will be sad.

Ziggie I liked the route. You took, the story it self was quit captivating. The images deep, the emotion strong. I enjoyed the ending and what I took as the overall theme.... we fight and dissagree, might even hate each other and go to war, but in thhe ennd, if us is all we have when we both struggle to overwhemling pain, then the hate evaporates". True for eveery walk of human life I must say, at least mostly.. baby had some great emotion in the begining, but as you went on the seasons shortened in paragrraph length and became more straight forward. I did enjoy the begining muuch more beccause it read like a verse where I there were underrlying meanings and hidden messages', then the end or bottom half seemed more just throwin together. You did bring the feeling of highschool summer strong to the surface. Both had deccent flow, I edged zyg slightly howevverr. The storys equally witty considering topic. Touggh vote in all honesty, but in the end all I can ever do is vote for the one I most enjoyed

Vote zygote in a very close match

[Vulgar]

Zygote - I was fond of this. A story with a lesson entwined often tickles my fancy more than any other kind. You had a decent villain in Lord Venta - wish he would've played a more prominent role in the unveiling of the topical "statement." Aside from that one nit, it was a respectable showing.

big baby - You rabble rouser, you. You rabbi on nutmeg steroids. This was a freespirited splurge/plunge from/into the realm of love politics. I don't know if half of the instances where you turned poetic phrase were sarcastic. If they were, you got away with it because you excelled in that aspect of mockery which had a noticeable charm to it. As is, it was a feast. Good work.

I'm going against the grain and casting a vote for Zygote.

It was more to my liking. I liked the premise of his idea more - probably because of my own views on humanity. BB seemed to have an easy sleeper-hold on the topic. Relationship related themes aren't really my thing, not to take anything away from the quality of BB's verse.

Vote - Zygote

[Nigma]

Catfish - Captivating writing. Unique plot had my attention from start to finish. The way you place yourself in the minds of the characters and in the circumstances you construct really gives your writing a special touch. Subtleties such as "Lord Venkateswara looks down into his dungeon. It brings him no pleasure". Continuous character growth throughout and wonderful description not only painted a picture for me, but played a scene. I feel your ending was far from what I expected, and although I wouldn't say I was disappointed with it, I suppose I was hoping something with more of a BLAMMO factor, however it was still well thought out and carried out and supplied the reader with a morale epiphany.

Big Baby - Why did you not capitalize Ravel in it's entirety? This piece was a conceptual masterpiece. You did a very good job organizing the layout before you began writing and the prepwork paid dividends. The first three stanzas played the role of their respective seasons very nicely due to diction and the relation to the evolving extended metaphor of the relationship. Winter was obviously slightly different however you crafted it into a lovely finale. The incorporation of that quote was unique, added insight, and didn't really take away from anything so I'd call it a success. Well executed verse on all level.

Prognosis, very tough one to call. Zygote had a straightforward delivery that, through the simplicity in it's wording, had me read through it with no break and held my attention from start to finish. The complexities in bbs verse had me reread some lines for clarity, some words I had to look at for a second to recognize them as if I haven't seen them written before. Zygote told a very imaginative story with such pixelated detail and produced a 'morale' to it which correlated nicely with the topic, however baby essentially was kind of following the topic on two levels; seasonally and with the extended metaphor. Although both pieces were engrossing, their can only be one Highlander and I feel big baby did more with the concept. Hard to believe I can enjoy a verse as much I did zygotes and still vote against it. Haven't read many battles but I'd be surprised if there were many better then this one.

+1 Big Baby

[Pent uP]

Zyg -- When I first read this the thing that bothered me the most about your verse was using a commonly known (at least I thought it was commonly known) parable as your basis. There's two reasons why that bothered me. The first is I've seen people get DQ'd for doing similar things and the second is that it gives your story (if it is truly well known) a more upstanding foundation than someone working from scratch. The writing itself was strong but not up to the level I'm used to from you. I felt like you didn't use the entirety of the topic and that also hindered this piece from being as great as it could have been.

Big baby - the last two lines of the spring and the first several lines for summer - up until the autumn to me/dawsons creek line were just FIRE. The play on "fall" being the fall of the relationship was cute. The ending was nice especially the way you tied in the quote. the whole verse as a package was pretty well thought out and in hindsight the imagery in the beginning was a little overwhelming for what this verse actually was. That's not a bad thing it was just grandiose in a sense - maybe I'm just desensitized to relationship stuff though. No fault of yours and no marks off the verse just an observation. Excellent writing, surprised me to be honest.

Overall - I feel like Zyg fell flat of expectations and I won't be comparing Zyg against himself but there were a few things in his verse that deterred me. BB encapsulated his topic and wrote something that excelled in all fields.

Vote - Big Baby.

[Eŋg]

zygote - this was a confident piece of writing. very clean yet uncompromising with no frills. it was technically sound, yet there is almost something elementary about aspects of it, it could just be your manner of telling a story. thought the first and last stanzas were particularly good. the entire passage relating to Lord Venka and the lepers threw me a bit, tbh. this is a well known parable? it resonates with me vaguely. in fact, Venkateswara does too. can't place why though. for the last three seasons/begging for death seemed almost like an inverse of the given quote. the entire middle passage sandwiched by the pensive first and last stanzas felt like a longcut (as opposed to a short one). i found the writing good, the analysis of the human condition through subtle means interesting, i just came away from the piece a bit bemused. forgive me, i am pretty burnt out by this point and i miss something painfully obvious relating to the two parts of this, i am a leper.

bwahaha - i think that's you. do you actually study scansion? i hate it. i find it's a very imprecise science. but there are patterns to observe, extract and appreciate in meter, even if i loathe the pretense of a lone diacritical mark an author places on his work. get the entire fuck out of here. don't tell me how to read. sprung rhythm is interesting though, probably cause we all write free verse? i decided while i'm rambling i'd address that comment about editing in my verse -- yea, i changed it thrice. each time was a typo because my proofreads where with half-open eyes. i would have changed it structurally/punctually but yea lazy. a bit. anyway... i've never seen you write like this... it was a treat. in the first stanza the florid composition cut crudely by 'i knew where to feel you up'. lol, showed something that would happen a few times. humorous. tongue in cheek. but such potent imagery. unassailable conviction in your own writer's voice -- chameleon like in its subtle switches between segments. where each marked a small shift in style. pretty fucking interesting. i want to read it again. some stuff definitely went over my head, not by definition (i mean, i googled Orinoco but that was it. promise), but in terms of arrangement, there's a density here. it's crushing work. zygote is a talented fucker, but i thought you handily out-wrote him here. impressive.

v/bb

[dead man]

zyg - unlike other voters, i had not heard this parable before reading it in your verse and thought it was really an excellent interpretive device for the topic at hand. your focus is so central around the idea you want to convey, and the 'technical' aspect seems to be a peripheral objective. i think this is a strategy that really gives you a distinct advantage over opponents that strictly use their rhyming and rhythmic skills based around a weaker central theme. i felt as though i was reading an original scripture of this ancient tale, one used to teach children of the power and consequences of subjectivity in simpler terms. excellent submission.

baby da big baby - what makes this match so difficult to vote on is not only the obvious clash of styles, but the clash of strategy. while zygote is content to allow his focal thesis direct a very straight-forward approach to a topic, you use a much more indirect and wax poetical method of achieving this goal. that being said, i think your skeletal structure was a weaker one than zygote presented. it was a rather obvious sequence of events (ie., seasonal progressions through a relationship), dressed in beautiful description and literary device. codependent prophet being my favorite segment of the entire verse. you have the ability to express your ideas with powerful wording and a rhythmic pace that is both unorthodox and extremely effective in carrying our focus from one idea to the next. it would be unfair for me to tell you i did not enjoy this verse because as far as pure lyricism is concerned (insofar as it applies to this league) it was the best work dropped this week by a long shot. however, i cannot shake a correlation ready-at-hand between this verse and yet another parable, the emperor's new clothes. as if there is so much beautiful language and descriptive content wrapped around what is an average-at-best framework.

for this reason alone, although it almost pains me to do so, i have to ride with zygote this week.

this is botw in my eyes.

genuine thanks to both of you.



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