PDA

View Full Version : ROUND TWO: (7)Lars vs. (10)Certain - (LARS WINS 7-1)


PancakeBrah
01-19-2014, 10:55 PM
The Winter Topical
Lars Certain

Verse Deadline: 1/24/2014,11:59 Pacific
Voting Deadline: 1/27/2014 (4 Votes Required)
Line Min/Max: 16/48
Extension/Line Extension by request. Must be agreed to.

Topic
Thanks to words, we have been able to rise above the brutes; and thanks to words, we have often sunk to the level of the demons.
-Aldous Huxley

Good luck to both.

Lars
01-20-2014, 11:36 AM
Sure thing, go ahead and match your age, old timer. :)




"Origin of Language"


Let’s start with the day our protagonists met:
For arguments sake, we’ll call ‘em ‘Alpha’ and ‘Bet’.
Two Neanderthal men at the evolutionary cusp
form a hunter-gatherer friendship in pursuit of the hunt.
Food is a must, so in tandem they work
with a mutual trust in an absence of words.
Hands are their first tool, signals made with the fingers,
so an understanding’s asserted to be relayed at a distance.
With a waving of digits and signed interaction
a basic depiction of what’s required is established.
It’s vital for catching prey – their ordinate nature
a survivalist tactic to warn them of danger.
Their calls and behaviour grow ever-expressive
and forge their relationships strength in dependence.
It lends to expression, though their conveyance is blunt,
a succession of gestured sounds made with their tongues.
Replacing the grunts and guttural roars
they are accustomed to trusting before.
Adjusting accordingly, they share with their group
the functioning orders of various tools.
The pair of them use this form for announcing
the areas new food sources are found in.
As more is recounted and usage increases
it also has grounding in grooming and teaching.
Due to this reason adaptation excels
in the communicative region they’re creating themselves.
These basic, but central, components combining
as each stage is essential for homogenising.
The protocol rises, trust’s further cemented
in a social environment through the emergence of friendship.
Working together authenticated the bond
as they learn from endeavours, which makes it so strong.
As communication prolongs, so the larynx does in the throats,
and they place an importance on trusting their own.
The hunter’s are vocal in where and when to attack,
as one studies for opening’s they’re aware their enemies have.
The hair descending his back stood as he heard a deafening bellow
that dared to tremble the canopies with its prevalent echo.
It was meant to let ‘Bet’ know of a new situation -
a threat to the threshold the two were engaged in.
‘Bet’ pursued it to aid him, lengthened his stride,
with no clue what awaited and his chest filled with pride.
He swept at the vines that appeared in his path
expecting to find a clearing at last.
When the searing impact of a blade struck in his chest
hand-engineered from a flat stone, just like the hunter possessed.
The blood unrelenting, a sign of abatement,
he looked up to question and eye his assailant.
‘Bet’s life had been taken by his ally and his friend
with the first lie in creation, ‘Alpha’ brought his life to an end.
The guy he depended on most had attacked
to try and affect dominance over their pack.
The stone still cold in his hand, he waited in watch,
content with knowing the fact -
the ‘Alpha’ male had resumed his place at the top...


Thanks to words, we have been able to rise above the brutes; and thanks to words, we have often sunk to the level of the demons. -Aldous Huxley

Certain
01-25-2014, 02:49 AM
Master gave me the assignment. Thank you, Master.
For Master, I flipped the pages oh so quiet, kept my pacing in alignment,
kept my face in yellowed lining of the phrases for the time when
Master will take us to the brightness, escape to new horizons.
Thank you, Master. I'm still so taken by your mind, and
ready to serve your every word. I quake in your consignment.
Master loves me, but never as much as I worship at his feet.
So I nervously reread, ensuring that indeed I've found the sermon that he needs.

"Master! Master!" "Please don't say you've failed again."
"Master, no! Master, I have caught my sails in wind!
Master, here, I bring you everything you asked for."
"Yes! Now I may begin."

Master left me. He always does. Master's time is running low,
so he silently withholds all his mind's impressive notes.
But he is Master, and Master knows best.
He says we're on a passage to death. He says he's planning our next.
He'd spoke of immortality without an alchemy set.
He'd spoke of incantations, spells and the Halcyon nest.
Master's words were mumbled, renounced under breath,
probably because he doubts I can hear his denouncements of stress.
But now, down in his cellar study, Master has his chance.
I found him the text.

The silence was broken by the shatter of glass.
It came from the basement.
"Master!" I screamed. I grabbed the ladder, then gasped
and gaped with amazement.

Its eyes glowed like the coils of an electrical stove,
with skin wretchedly gross, infected and mauve.
Its engorged wingspan stretched to the bone with talons like sharpened machines.
This is... This is... This is... This is the mark of the beast!
Master's cloak was in shards at its feet. He'd served as this harbinger's meat.
That's when it started to speak. "You, there!"
Wait. God. No. It's talking to me!
"You did well." "Please, let me live, and I promise to leave."
"You fool, do you not honestly see? I am a god now. I am the product of dreams."
He cracked a smile. Strangely familiar. Could it possibly be?
But no. It couldn't possibly be. "Human, I have solved my disease!"

"The disease." That's Master's term for the human condition.
He had been consumed with his vision to find a remove from this prison,
and here he was, free at last, in the form of a lunatic demon.
I scanned the room. There, on the floor, the notes I had jubilantly scribbled.
"Master, please, show mercy and let me come with you to glory.
Teach me the ways of the spirits, let me bare witness to your feat."
The beast stared, fiery eyes taking in my meek disposition,
and beckoned me over to the same table where he dreamed up this vision.
Seated, I listened. "You have done well, and I believe in conviction.
You shall serve me as you served me here. Now complete what was written.
Soon the time will come for me to reign as God, unleashed on the living."

I exhaled deeply and stared at the paper, this vile curse of a passage.
I set my plan. I began to speak with thoughts of reversing this madness:

".retfa reve ylippah devil lla yehT"

Master collapsed, returning to the human form he despised.
And though lifeless, I could see the smile borne in his eyes.

NYCSPITZ
01-25-2014, 11:06 AM
Lars- Great use of descriptive language, enjoyed the beginning and ending but thought it slowed down in the middle. It might have been more effective if you described the guttral sounds and gesticulations once, and called upon these descriptions briefly again in the final scene. I thought the ending was cool although a little hokey with the whole alpha male thing because you're writing as author omniscient and you make it sound like you're just randomly call them alpha and bet then you turn it into "the first alpha male" type deal. I appreciate the creative impulse however and think this is a strong verse. Also the use of abatement was a not definitive enough imo to emphasize Bet's death. His death was sudden and surprising, it wasn't something that entailed a gradual process. Thanks for the read.

Certain- Very creative, if a bit anti-climactic ending wise. Reminded me a little of full metal alchemist brotherhood, you've probably seen it. The servant you portrayed is realistic, but his constant utterance of "master" was really annoying to me. It's sort of old-fashioned and I think a style of prose that was in vogue sometime during the very early 20th century. In fiction writing, however, I feel that even if that's how the character speaks, it can be conveyed without the constant repetition. If something brings realism to the table that's cool, but it was a bit of overkill this time in my opinion (throughout the whole verse). On the positive side though, you took me inside of your world and I was genuinely interested in how the story unfolded. As a character, I think I was interested in the master more and would like to have seen him fleshed out a bit more, but what you gave was enough, maybe just the bare minimum in a topical sense. The reverse spelling thing was cool and overall I'd have to say I enjoyed your verse more than Lars' this time despite the slow start. Would have liked the ending to be stronger somehow though. Your use of the author subjective was more compelling than Lars' use of author omniscient, close in terms of skill level but you got it this time imo.

V/ Certain

zygote
01-25-2014, 09:12 PM
Lars, good discussion on the duality of language as a tool phrased within a metaphorical story. Enjoyed not only the physiological descriptions of voice box etc but also the psychological functions of language. It was great how you worked in the evolutionary approach as well, and the comparison of survival with the murder act at the end. The ending was predictable from the outset due to the quote but that is no problem, it seemed necessary to have the characters act in that way to make your comparison about language. Overall, good analysis presented in an enjoyable way.

Certain, first one I think I've read from you that I did not fully enjoy. The writing is excellent, a seamless short story in great style, it is written just like a story. Liked the commitment to maintain a distinctive writing tone throughout but the underlying themes are perhaps lacking here, only read it as a surface level connection, it also did not feel as if it moved beyond ideas put forth in the first paragraph. When compared to Lars submission which was quite refined, it felt a bit blunt and direct. Voting for Lars.

big baby
01-26-2014, 11:48 AM
Probably most difficult battle to judge, second being your last battle, certain. You seem to have an exposition of very creative ideas, astounding the audience and forcing them to delve deeper. Unlike some other writers on the forum who have an irreverent consuetude and familiarity, most often mistaken by having a usage of words so vast, it makes the reader almost out of an element. But you do the opposite. You create a context in which not the everyday, or moreso common thematic element is at hand. You remind me of the movie "The Artist" or "Frances Ha", and I use black and white references very very strongly here. You seem black and white. Where you don't paint pictures, you draw them in pencil. But your pencil detailing is so vast, your own world is just as vibrant, but surely much prematurely obscure than a oil canvass masterpiece. Detailing your limn like artistry to exponentially outline your strengths rather than your weaknesses or should I say your side of a skillset not to entirely refined; yet. I read lars piece, twice. Yours, 4 times. Because, it's not that you have trouble outlining a story. IT's just not for the lighthearted, or the lazy. Which is why so many people can't follow black and white. They choose not too. A catering to the audience enables you to give up more. You become what you may not want too, but that's part of being a writer. Yes, we write for ourselves at the end. But with no other critic, nobody else to read it, to feel what we're feeling, then it sort of has no purpose. Or it might, if you're into that, but many writers aren't, though they say they are. Lars, has more of a style suited for a wider audience. He approppri-ates to the lazier, smoother read audience. You cast in a realm for singular audience, those who are already experienced with your type of prose. I use boxing as a singular example in most cases, because, unlike writing, boxing has a outright definition. Those that don't understand boxing to it's science, but understand the concepts of punching, and getting hit are more prone to have incorrect assimilation based on how fights are judged. Most boxing fans on this site had Pacquiao winning, but I had bradley winning, though I certainly have to admit that Pacquiao, could have easily taken the fight, but I felt he chose not too, for some odd reason. Now enough of the comparisons and breaking down your verse in an ambiguous matter. I think certains overall cast of imagery was lacking a bit, both of your verses were. Lars created a monotone movement in images that was actually quite pleasant. We usually connect monotone to something unpleasant, but that's a common mistake. I usually start off by describing the mechanics then delve into the story part, or the message of each verse, then I finally break it down in relation to the topic at hand; hence 'topical' tourney. Lars mechanics, I've noticed, (that I previously had not) were actually used in a short stemmed template but used very well. The weaving of clever transitional phrasing, was actually good and I'm taking more notice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz4NWLfCiO0

That fight symbolizes the former part of both your verses.

I'm already familiar with some of certains writing, and can see that he maintained a certain standard which he was already held too. Lar's story was good. A top tier writing with very little to no mishaps. The overall connection to an alpha/beta was tied in, I'd say, particularly well, though I think the idea itself was a bit rugged. Not rugged in a sense of, unclear, but actually the opposite, I felt it was so easy to spot, that I think the creativity of it was not in the story but just how you weaved your story from beginning to finish. In relation to the quote given, I think it was a good score. The creativity of the project of the story was average, compared to your opponents. You presented central ideas, a philosophy between two internal characters and theme that was stable and posed as a linear thought and staple all the way through, for that I think you slightly took this. Certain had a good mechanical verse, as well, maybe not as transitionally polished as Lars, but it had decent thematic elements which adjusted the overall flow of the story. The rapport between characters was ok, though the master was a bit repetitive, though I understand the relationship he's trying to build. I felt it may have been a little stretched. The creativity is always there, but I feel you try to use that to your advantage as always, I mean. It isnt bad. every writer caters to something they feel more comfortable with (at the time, usually) and especially if they're in a competition. Lars has his own study. Proper word usage, simple, but entertaining writing. Certain is in tune with his creative side, his last battle he used bulletpoints, and guidelines and a whole plethora of things. Even the usage of the backwards writing, which in my opinion, is a bit too much. Though it didn't take away from the overall umph of the verse. I was sort of lost reading your verse, not entirely, but in relation to the quote, I can understand the beginning, but the end is a LITTLE unclear. I can make the correlation, it's not so forthright, but it is good. I felt it was a little off kilter. You can connect things better. And although it was a good connection, I felt it was a bit too over the top. Both of you, in your respective weaknesses, could have done better. This battle was very good, but very hard to judge. It was entirely too close. And on a summer day I might have chose differently. Thanks gentlemen. You never upset. Good luck

Vulgar
01-26-2014, 05:02 PM
Lars - Fresh, clean approach to a prehistoric Cain and Abel revamp. The writing was really good. It's very like you to word almost every line to intended perfection.

"These basic, but central, components combining
at each stage is essential for homogenizing."
^Killed it here. An ill bar.

Also, were you an anthropology major? Seemed like you had a solid rundown of the scientific side of language. Well done.

Certain - I wasn't feeling this completely. That ending was weaksauce, tbh. The story itself was cool, it had a kung fu movie approach at first with the loud shrills of repeated "master" exclamations. Writing wise it was tightly executed, but I wasn't affected nor stirred by the final product. I've seen much better closure from you. I liked that "devil" was incorporated into the reverse incantation. I don't know if I was convinced it was legit since that's a far out way to exorcise a demon.

My vote goes to Lars.

Eŋg
01-27-2014, 08:45 PM
baron - while i can't hear you on a mic, your pengame is exceptional. very lineal, consumable, writing. where the proto-typical story was interesting but predictable in the frame of the quote. i saw the end about halfway through. that actually doesn't matter, as a) it was a creative take on the topic and b) your mechanics/succinct wording, as the vehicle, really carried this piece. the premise was just adequate. laconic lines which packed enough in a narrative sense also boasted something close to a rhythmic harmony. from a technical standing i can appreciate this is sharply-honed. it almost seemed didactic at times, but not in the derogatory sense. the best aspect was the gradual cognitive evolution you detailed. ironically: For arguments sake wasn't. would be hard to topple this.

certain - very diff. stylistically. more typical -- a contained short-story, in rhymed verse, basically. i often find dialogue a sticking point with writing like this, thankfully you dealt with it aptly. tbf, in your composition you came across like a very seasoned writer. the repetition of Master is clearly placed to emphasize the servile narrator's zealotry. in a weird way, i feel your ability to characterize overruled the need to do that -- though i could just be saying this because the repetitions annoyed. the word mauve felt a touch sketchy, and maybe jubilantly, but i wouldn't realistically pick any glaring flaws from your verse. i liked this, genuinely. i thought it was arguably a more creative take on the topic, but not quite as fitting.

v/lars. great battle.

Pent uP
01-27-2014, 11:53 PM
lars - The wording was crisp and spot on. Short, effective lines that propel this verse the distance. The shortening of "beta" to become "bet" annoyed me because it felt forced. The duality of the tool/voice was the strongest subtext of the verse and carried it far, but I felt the verse took to long to get to the end also - very drawn out and redundant through the body. The ending was also a corny pun on the whole message of the verse. Strong mechanics but the story had its stifles.

Certain - I had problems with the diction. Most likely because of the repetition of "master." The story itself was alright but it didn't draw me in really. I essentially just witnessed the madness and demise of some crazy chemist/demon/slave owner type that I never felt connected with...and I'm a crazy chemist/demon/slave owner type too (ok maybe not). The writing was rewarding from a technical standpoint but for me, not everything came together.

Overall - Certain had a verse I couldn't get into, which doesnt take away from how well written it is. Lars had a solid piece of writing that had some aspects I nitpicked.

vote - lars

dead man
01-28-2014, 12:41 AM
lars - really enraptured by your verse from the jump because of how clearly you opened. it was easy to follow and you set a great, consistent pace of sequence from line 1. alpha and bet seemed overly obvious in terms of how you could utilize their characters and i wished that more of your central body of work in this focused around them specifically AS characters but i also realized the need to fully flesh out your concept of language evolution. you think you could have better incorporated alpha and bet into this discourse on language development before the time came for one to murder the other, but your point was well received anyway. i think this verse demonstrated your well-oiled and masterful skill set. you have been topical writing for a long time, developed your own voice as an adaptive function of different 'eras' of competitive writing as language develops as new challenges arise. your hunger for victory is the contemporary metaphor for the primordial hunt.

certain - ok. i think you had what was potentially the more intriguing direction. that is, i was more engrossed in your story than i was with baron's because of its unpredictability in contrast. this was a stark advantage you earned yourself from the beginning. it reminded me of voldemort in his weakest form. when he relied on a mortal's body to harness his energy until he could escape into his 'true' form. he also had the same opinion on the average human as your character did, if i recall correctly.

what bugged me most is the lack of 1. context, which could have been overlooked if not for the lack of 2. cohesiveness within the scene. it moved way quicker than i was processing it and i could not fully appreciate the scene for this reason. it was honestly as though you could have fit the entire span of action this verse encompassed in a single stanza and used the rest of your lines to more efficiently detail the situation in which these two characters found themselves together.

this is not to disparage the writing which was phenomenal in spots. i especially enjoyed the electrical stove / infected and mauve image. which was unexpected and visceral all in one.

overall though i really found certain's approach more interesting in contrast to lars' textbook sort of interpretation - there were too many other areas in which lars excelled to not grant him the vote. v/ LARS

thanks guys.




1

oats
01-28-2014, 02:52 AM
Lars: The rhyming was crisp to say the least. I'm always impressed by how intricate your rhyme schemes are while maintaining a short line length, all the while giving us enough description to easily follow the narrative. Mechanically this was firing on all cylinders. I'm a fan of the subject matter for sure, definitely something I can vibe with conceptually. The crescendo and dramatic climax of communication in hunter-gatherers, first used for mutual benefit, later for manipulation and assertion of will. There were really very few things I can complain about, top notch writing.


Certain: On the one hand, I liked the narrative arch. It felt like a short story, both in its execution and its quality of writing. Probably goes without saying, but your word choice and writer's voice is elite level, which always makes your writing rewarding to read. Story-wise, however, there was just something missing. It's hard to put a finger on it. The ending was dry, but that wasn't even it for me. I guess I just felt like there was an unanswered "so what?" at the end. The beginning was atmospheric, but maybe I was expecting more than "they lived happily ever after" in reverse, something a little more thoughtful or profound. Like I said, hard to put a finger on it, but there was just something missing from the story, and it was hard for me to get into it as much as I wanted to.


Vote: Lars in a close one. Lars didn't take as much of a gamble as Certain did, but he played a near perfect hand, and Certain didn't cash in on the potential of his concept. Don't know how much longer I can carry that analogy. In any case, yet another dope match, congrats to both.