ROUND TWO: (R)oats vs. (R)uh-oh - (OATS WINS 5-0)

[PancakeBrah]

The Winter Topical
oats uh-oh

Verse Deadline: 1/24/2014,11:59 Pacific
Voting Deadline: 1/27/2014 (4 Votes Required)
Line Min/Max: 16/48
Extension/Line Extension by request. Must be agreed to.

Topic
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
-Ernest Hemingway

Good luck to both.

[uh-oh]

BOASTING AND BRAGGING. HE WASN'T ONE TO GO FOR A FLAGON
HE USUALLY KEPT IT COOL, STAYING SOBER AND ACTIVE.
BUT THE STOICS WERE MADDENED BACK IN ROME SWITCHING TACTICS
WHILE HE CONQUERED GAUL AND BROUGHT CONTROL TO THE MASSES
MEANWHILE IN THE EAST JUST NORTH OF DAMASCUS
A PARTHIAN CONTINGENT KILLED THAT OLD NIGGA CRASSUS
THE TRIUMVIRATE FAILED HE HAD HOPED THAT IT HADN'T
BUT THEN THE DAUGHTER OF SCIPIO MARRIED POMPEIUS MAGNUS
IT ALL HIT A SNAG THEN. ALLIANCES SEVERED
SO HE CALLED IN HIS CAPTAINS AND DRANK SOME WINE TOGETHER
HE INDULGED IN THE DRINK TO FREE THE STRESS FROM HIS MIND
AND TOLD MARK ANTONY HE WAS THE BEST, AND DIVINE
HE SAID ON THE MORROW HE'D STRIKE WEST FROM THE RHINE
DOWN SOUTH TO THE RUBICON FOR THEIR TEST OF HIS PRIDE
IF HE WENT UNARMED THEY'D ARREST HIM AND TRY HIM
BUT IF HE WENT UNDER ARMS, THEY'D BE BESTED IN TRYING
HE WOKE UP THE NEXT DAY DRUNK, STUPID AND WEARY
BUT ADDRESSED THE 13TH POSSESED WITH JUPITERS SPIRIT
FIRED UP THE TROOPS WHO WERE WHOOPING AND CHEERING
AND GAVE OFF THE IMAGE AND ILLUSION OF FURY
HE KNEW THEN HE WOULD GO THROUGH WITH THE PLAN
THE LEGION WOULD BE WITH HIM EACH TRUE TO A MAN


HE CROSSED THE RUBICON AND HIS ENEMIES FLED
POMPEY WENT TO EGYPT AND THEY SEVERED HIS HEAD
CATO TOOK HIS OWN LIFE IN THE GENERALS TENT
AND SCIPIO? FELT THE SWORD
AFTER SURRENDERING.
YEP.

EMPEROR SHIT. EVEN CATO TOLD US
HE WAS THE ONLY MAN TO TRY TO OVERTHROW THE STATE WHILE SOBER

[oats]

the human animal: a candle to the sun of existence
but so wonderfully gifted!
imagination with dexterity of thumbs to enlist it
but in the slums of its systems there is something amiss -
cliffs of slumbering id amidst its sunken abyss
a brisk and fumbled description - slip and stumble a bit
into the colorless eclipse you glimpse from under your lids.
friction once you begin, but sit, discover and listen -
what I’m trying to say is stay and come get drunk for a minute

a humble monkey’s descendant, hyper-bred to the apex
practicing safe species survival instead of safe sex
from the trees and mountain havens to ravines and down to plains
we achieved a clout and range till there was no scent of an ape left

if the heavens had placed bets, we’d have been long shots
completely helpless for years, too weak to be on top
whether predators, famine, or diseases that hauled off
our people - it’s no secret that our species had gone soft
…except for one deceivingly strong spot that still exists
building shit - more important than the primal, driving will to live
the way we dominate nature - rape, skin and pillage it
our ability to mentally tame our inner-wilderness

picture this: a world of people drowning in their own hopes just to breed
for the most part yeah they know where to pee, but when they do they go all over the seat
they put on a show just to meet people that could potentially mate
and determine if they’re a worthy person off their scent and their shape
where self-expression is native - if they said it they meant it -
sounds like either Cro-Magnon caves…or every bar or club you’ve ever attended

so talk shit, scratch your nuts, drink till every bitch is a compatible mate
feast/fuck/fight and flee till the world becomes your own planet of Apes
and for a man of your make, I impart the final wisdom of this little bar
always do sober what you said drunk -
that’ll teach you how much you’ve forgotten what you really are

[Certain]

uh-oh: This was on the History Channel tip, and I liked it. The approach to the topic was absolutely terrific. The writing was without frills, but it was clean and effective. I like Roman history enough to have recognized the story line, but the take that this all came about because Caesar was drunk one night and told Mark Antony he would attack Pompey is pretty clever. The clarity was important, though, because it's easy to get all mixed up with so many names. People were a bit unfair to your verse last week even while voting for you. This straightforwardness of your writing is rather appealing and deceivingly difficult to pull off. This verse is a good example.

oats: You killed it. This was a vintage topical. You had a point to make that directly tied into the topic, and you made it eloquently using a mix of images and logic, almost an essay about the topic, in rhyming format. The verse slowed a little in the third stanza but picked up in the fourth, and the ending was particularly strong. For the second week in a row, your first stanza had by far the best rhyming, which is the type of thing I am guilty of often as well, where you start off wanting to push yourself but eventually (and correctly) later want to push the topic and content ahead of your flair. The last line of the fourth stanza was my favorite in the verse. Excellent work here, enough to overcome another strong showing from uh-oh.

Vote: oats

[Lars]

lol uh-oh's favourite topic take to tackle so its no surprise he had the facts and storyline to suit this perfectly! I'm a great fan of the Romans and Greek mythology so this verse was ideally suited to me and its clear to me the verse was well thought out, though I agree with certain in so far as there being so many names dropped in short succession that it can be slightly confusing for the reader - especially when coupled with the fact you kept this relatively brief for what would have been such an epic event from the past in history haha!

HE WOKE UP THE NEXT DAY DRUNK, STUPID AND WEARY
BUT ADDRESSED THE 13TH POSSESED WITH JUPITERS SPIRIT
FIRED UP THE TROOPS WHO WERE WHOOPING AND CHEERING
AND GAVE OFF THE IMAGE AND ILLUSION OF FURY

I loved the carry-over multi string used here, good display of your skill, uh-oh is largely underrated here but the guy has always been solid when it comes to topical writing. He deserves credit and recognition where due.

I also feel this is your strongest topic because you've always been so invested in it and have a good background knowledge, maybe more so than the majority of readers who'll peep this, and so maybe you glossed over some parts that they could have perhaps used including to give them more of an idea or a background to them? by not really delving into the characters and building them up imagery wise or with no character development, its hard to become emotionally invested in them or to ultimately care about what happens to them - I think had you done that to a further extent, it would have helped you more so. good showing though, shame you don't enter these things more often bro.

Oats: Dopesauce. I wasn't sure where you would take this from the offing, but that was a good sign, it kept me entertained and wanting to read on to find where it was headed! Real smooth transitions, alluded a little to Evolution which is something i'm a huge fan of also, really well worded and paced and just an awesome writers voice coupled with a strong flow which probably comes from your poetry reading etc so you're probably the most natural at that out of all the writers left in this competition. You ended really strong, creating what I call a universal ending where all of us can relate to whats been said.

so talk shit, scratch your nuts, drink till every bitch is a compatible mate
feast/fuck/fight and flee till the world becomes your own planet of Apes
and for a man of your make, I impart the final wisdom of this little bar
always do sober what you said drunk -
that’ll teach you how much you’ve forgotten what you really are

I just had to quote that entire last sequence, there was some dry humour in there, which I'm always glad to see, as well as a great point drilled home and magnified which I had no idea was coming as I started out. I left pleasantly surprised. I can see you going on to win the whole thing.

Vote - oats

[big baby]

uh oh: dope. the context of your writing wasnt expected, but other than that it was cool. the caps is a funny little novelty of yours, and I like it. I know when I'm reading an uh oh verse. But mechanically, the gut of your verse had a repetitive scheme to it, just a-b-a-b-a-b and it read almost like a structured prose rather than a stream of storytelling. That wasnt bad, but I've seen a lot of writers on here conform to that, when there's really tons of way you can altar a rhyme without succumbing to the same schemes! That didn't bother me, just something I took notice off like right here.

"ND TOLD MARK ANTONY HE WAS THE BEST, AND DIVINE
HE SAID ON THE MORROW HE'D STRIKE WEST FROM THE RHINE
DOWN SOUTH TO THE RUBICON FOR THEIR TEST OF HIS PRIDE
IF HE WENT UNARMED THEY'D ARREST HIM AND TRY HIM
BUT IF HE WENT UNDER ARMS, THEY'D BE BESTED IN TRYING
HE WOKE UP THE NEXT DAY DRUNK, STUPID AND WEARY
BUT ADDRESSED THE 13TH POSSESED WITH JUPITERS SPIRIT"

possessed*. ironically that line was a little fuzzy to me. I understand the content being displayed here, I just didn't think it was thought out to its fullest extent. A good verse to a decent quote, by one of my favorite writers. I never took notice of you till now, in relation to the topic you were quite good. I enjoyed it. I just think you couldve tied in a few underlying concepts better.

This was an absolute doozy though

"EMPEROR SHIT. EVEN CATO TOLD US
HE WAS THE ONLY MAN TO TRY TO OVERTHROW THE STATE WHILE SOBER"

Made me chuckle, and actually had a lingering sense of grandeur. What you didnt fully entail was a sense of character involvement. As reading the finale of your verse, I really didnt seem invested in who or what, or how it happened, just exactly *did* happen. It was just he. But I don't know if he is one person or two or 10. That's the thing, you did have a chronological timespan for a reasonable conclusion on what, referencing some obscure places and things, but these weren't completely correlated. But they were, everything was tied down pretty good, but I felt you couldve done more to securely tie it down. Other than that everything was recorded heavily. A minute writing. Oats did a lot too. The reason why I like oats compared to a few other top tier topicalists is because he actually has the audacity to explain something to you, or make it so your brain is in third gear, not sixth. I don't want to have a dictionary, or wikipedia open at all times reading your verse. This is coming from someone who memorizes wikipedia pages. No, but in all seriousness. I feel your strength is manipulating audiences and just understanding them, understanding you. Your mechanics have always been there, and honestly at this high of a level if someone likes your weird story compared to flawless mechanics, that's sort thrown out of the window, as we can see per Soulstice. Lol. But the other way around.


Your story spoke seriously, then not so seriously.
It had a bit of satire, from my perspective, and i thoroughly enjoyed it.

"picture this: a world of people drowning in their own hopes just to breed
for the most part yeah they know where to pee, but when they do they go all over the seat
they put on a show just to meet people that could potentially mate
and determine if they’re a worthy person off their scent and their shape
where self-expression is native - if they said it they meant it -
sounds like either Cro-Magnon caves…or every bar or club you’ve ever attended

so talk shit, scratch your nuts, drink till every bitch is a compatible mate
feast/fuck/fight and flee till the world becomes your own planet of Apes
and for a man of your make, I impart the final wisdom of this little bar
always do sober what you said drunk -
that’ll teach you how much you’ve forgotten what you really are"

That last line was killer. Nice quick, sexy little piece. I loved it. Vintage, raw, ambiguous and not too off kilter to fully enjoy and read. Almost like an excerpt out of a book where the main character is reminiscing on dialogue that he read in a hipster book about 3-4 years ago with his buddy Skip who likes fixing cars in his spare time but has an abusive girlfriend with an amazing ass.


a humble monkey’s descendant, hyper-bred to the apex
practicing safe species survival instead of safe sex
from the trees and mountain havens to ravines and down to plains
we achieved a clout and range till there was no scent of an ape left

this was cool, but I don't know why you're mentioning monkeys. I'm kidding. I do. This was the piece I mentioned earlier about some writers taking a trip to a risky satirical prose. I still think you overpowered your opponent in nearly all aspects and that ensured a close victory. But ,the way you had this neanderthal transition to drunk social gatherings, was atypical. I mean typically, yes, these are gatherings where you go to have fun, and they're so oblique that, we're accustom that if we see someone attractive that it's fine for them to approach you while inebriated or vice versa. But you added a slight twist that I wish you expanded on, the whole ending was a bit quick, I wish you actually expanded on that. You had such a quick transition for it all to end that I sorta question whether it was part of the whole gig, or that you didn't have time since you were so busy in Hawaii or something. This spoke greatly to me though, a very close battle with a lot of good references. Uh-oh had this roman war, gladiator empirical semblance mixed in with a narrative objective. Oats had a satirical seminar, weaved in with brutal comparisons of modernist and subjective views based on human intelligence and evolving as a species. Which was a really odd route to take on such a quote. Maybe it was an idea that wasn't pertaining to the quote itself and you adapted it, maybe? IF so, it worked out pretty good. Thank you gentlemen, I thoroughly enjoyed this. Thanks.

[zygote]

Uh-oh, perhaps some missed opportunity to better compare the decadence of Rome (all the eating/drinking/orgy parties) with the Western Roman empires eventual downfall. I get that it happened much later than the events of this retelling, but it would have been a good added element, just to add in something extra like that. It was a good technique as well to write about Augustus without mention to any name just HE. Also, the Cato quote + topic quote work together as an biographical comment on Caesars abstinence from the decadence of his time, that he was successful while shunning the high-culture etc. It’s a bit of a recurring theme from your last week’s submission too, just with a different setting. Also good expression in the start showing a one minded determination, ambition to conquer and have absolute power. Perhaps the contrast between the individual and the society was not emphasized enough to make it 100% effective.

Oats, enjoyed the comparisons, vastly different settings similar values, a good comment on the unchanging nature of the base human condition. Enjoyed the joke about the 4 F’s of human motivation, “feast/fuck/fight and flee.” Very cynical and dry humor, I was mostly laughing throughout, the sarcastic-ish tone is evident from the very first two lines, so it was good pacing. Not every line was a winner in terms of comedy, some were a bit off. Also the second paragraph's more serious content, was a good framing device to give everything a bit more context, it was perhaps the least entertaining part but also the most necessary for overall cohesion. Many good one-liners written in an entertaining joking way. Voting for Oats.

[NYCSPITZ]

uh oh was dope, reminds me of history or latin from HS. I like that type of shit and I think it played to your strengths. In a pure hairy balls roar competition you might be king, but in the topical sense you still hold it down. I don't like the all caps but your shit has swag to it. Good piece.

oats was dope, imagery on point like a motherfucker slumbering id woah. Good depiction of human evolution's waves and the self's idosyncracies. Great command of the author subjective, ending was profound and I was feelin it all the way through. Oats won it imo.

V/ oats