"Armed to the teeth"

[Exoduzt]

Picture battle from another site

http://www.fubiz.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/semenov16-550x503.png

Sophmore in high school and its the start of the week...
I use to be full of life but not anymore it's sorta hard to believe...
My charm has deceased as I'm always picked on & have to harbor the grief...
im not 'hard' or 'part of the street' so i get spit on as their harm is unleashed...
but what would they do if I showed up just 'armed to the teeth'...
just start picking em off untill someone goes & alarms the police!...
Oh the carnage & feast! if they only knew how they just bombarded a beast...
Gotta turn my visions real, done givin' a fuck or having doubts or a care...
My pops wont notice missing steal, take it when he's drunk & passes out in tha chair...

Just like I predicted dad passed out and I got the key to the safe...
so drunk when he did it like I don't know he keeps it underneath the vase...
just keep my pace, up the stairs he wont wake up, and he calls me a waste?...
reach the door steppin over cans as I move closer to my best friends...
2 colt 45's to go back to school now whos ready for a lesson...
not stressin when i go to sleep friends underneath my pillow case...
At least im doing something productive Dad your drunk and still a waste...

**wakes up**

no need to brush teeth as i show em who's really the shook fag...
it's all smiles at the bus stop i have no reason to look sad...
bullying me is gonna be something they wished that they took back...
especially when I unleash the beast thats inside of my book bag!...
everythings normal as I get called a bitch and a cock sucker....
but they dont scratch my itch get ready for the next block buster...
I walk into home room to get bullied as I see their circle of friends...
it's certain the end is near but over for the most hurtful of trends...
I reach in my bag acting like im going for my homework...
pull out 2 45's yeah! bout to make their dome hurt...
I point and aim and just start unloading shots...
Revenge is a bitch and I feel like I'm not suppose to stop!...
I'll unload on cops shit they never did nuttin to help me...
I saved one shot damn I know this aint gonna be healthy...

[Objective]

The opening lines might be why people haven't commented on this yet. It isn't really engaging, showing off rhymescheme or that interesting. It could be smart to think about the first lines like; ''Will this engage the reader to care enough to read the rest?'' I'm not saying it's wack, it just wasn't that interesting. It made me wonder why and where you'd go with it, but some might need that little extra. The same goes for the last 2 lines, you want the reader to end your verse the way they entered it; With a great impression of your work. When you manage to do that people can overlook a few mediocre/bad lines/fillers in between. It's just some piece of advice, do what you like with it.

''My charm has deceased as I'm always picked on & have to harbor the grief...
im not 'hard' or 'part of the street' so i get spit on as their harm is unleashed...''
^ Liked this tho', actually, I think I'd make this my opening lines.

Since you keep a ongoing rhymescheme in the first verse I'd advice to use some transition when you switch up the rhymes at the end. I'm thinking about the last two lines in your first verse here.

''Just like I predicted dad passed out and I got the key to the safe...''
^ Ok.

''so drunk when he did it like I don't know he keeps it underneath the vase...
just keep my pace, up the stairs he wont wake up, and he calls me a waste?...''
^ Horribly worded imo.

''not stressin when i go to sleep friends underneath my pillow case...
At least im doing something productive Dad your drunk and still a waste...''
^ Repetition of the words ''a waste'' and ''underneath'' isn't a good look.

I understand where you're going with the second verse but the execution is pretty bad. Looks like a draft imo and could be polished quite a bit.

''no need to brush teeth as i show em who's really the shook fag...
it's all smiles at the bus stop i have no reason to look sad...''
^ Kinda forced multi here with the ''shook fag'', the wording is rather off-putting as well. Same thing goes for ''book bag'', it sounds unnatural.

The concept of the last line was dope. I liked that.

Overall I think you should focus on keeping a coherent focus to your sentences. I can see your attempt at keeping a rhymescheme which I felt you did pretty well in the first verse but it got worse as the piece went on. Something I try to do myself is to not sacrifice a coherent meaning or content for the sake of rhymes unless I manage to do both at the same time.

''My charm has deceased as I'm always picked on & have to harbor the grief...
im not 'hard' or 'part of the street' so i get spit on as their harm is unleashed...''
^ This shit was the best lines imo, if you had kept the quality somewhere close to this throughout the piece I think it would have been pretty dope.

When it comes to storytelling I'd analyze some verses/mc's when it comes to that. The last verse in Apathy's school might be smart to take a look to see how he worded it and approached it, maybe you'll get a couple ''aha-moments'' or something;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dM20oteVGM

[Terror wrist]

I love the storyline.. But just like that guy said it wasn't intriguing at the beginning.