AOWL Week 6: Objective (0-1) VS. Ink (1-1) [INK WINS, 9-4.]

[Frank]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum.

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/23 at 11:59 PST.

Extensions are due SUNDAY 3/24 at 11:59 PST. NO LATER!!!

You MUST check in.

You must vote on at least 4 other battles. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.


TOPIC: "The Bittersweet" - (selected by Adonis)

Good luck to both participants. Objective Ink

[Objective]

Check

[Ink]

check

[King Ra.]

Ink you owe 2 votes extra this week. Any missing votes this week will count as a deduction towards the final tally of this match.

Objective is clear.

[Objective]

The Bittersweet

A faint touch with his paintbrush embraced canvas,
His signature move was human skulls on pandas.
Realistic to the point you'd think he was autistic,
he loved his work but far from narcissistic.
He's fifty five with depression and art keeps him alive,
Red, blue and yellow defines his means to survive.
The curse that wipes out landscapes like Oppenheimers
is the early stages of a disease known as alzheimers.
Experimental medications didn't improve his situation,
ten years pass and we look at reversed cultivation.
His finnished work now looks like early sketches,
Architecture designs and lines with rough edges.
He forgot how great he was but he still painted, thus
giving his life a meaning, and that's a huge plus.
He slowly fades into oblivion as he paints dots on canvas
while embracing art from his favourite painter that drew human skulls on pandas..

[Ink]

A Healthy Perversion

Simply put, you are the best - flaunting your yellow flesh
Your age reflects what I desire most and I'm so refreshed
With hair a vibrant evergreen, I watch the laurel wreath caress
The gentle dips below your neck, the way raindrops would collect
So don't be mean, let me run my thumbs along your hills and valleys
With my eyes shut tightly, as your braille purrs a silent poetry
I know it's me, it's gotta be, the one to taste your secrecy
The cells in you will pop with juice as you become a part of me
I know just how you want it and I'm an expert with the weaponry
Blade cuts enough to see the pink, but not enough to make you bleed
Moistened with each inflicted wound, the scent is pungent, sets the mood
The rightful owner, my hands caging you the way you want me to
Ripping the layers off your fruit, a rind that salesmen bosses shun
I part you at the set of creases that always leaves you undone
Won't last more than a minute as my mouth fulfills it's purpose
Smacking my lips at the bittersweet, vitamin rich essence



My grapefruit.

[Split]

open for votes

[zygote]

Objective some nice characterization, giving details that were unexpected such as the skull-panda stuff. Only criticism is some parts are worded in a strange way (E.g., reversed cultivation). Would have like to see you give the story some life the same way you gave the character life.

Ink reminds of a classic poem by Pablo Neruda called "Ode to the Lemon," high praise for your writing here, no criticisms. At first it seemed like you had some strange wording but it was actually brilliant. E.g., braille purrs - seems strange but it is interesting because blind people run fingers over the braille in the same way to pet a cat. There were just a lot of association things like this to make it very interesting. Voted for Ink.

[Adonis]

Objective - I really liked this concept..You gave the character life with your words... But I loved the concept of an artist drawing in his later stages of life that's so far gone he doesn't realize "The Panda" Art was even his. I thought that was mad slick. As far as mechanics, can't say enough praise for the imagery/connection you gave me. Flow was rather good except for the "autistic/Narcissistic" as well as "Oppenheimer/Alzheimer" bars. The first didn't flow, in fact threw me off the flow quite a bit. The second was key to the plot and you needed it there or the entire piece wouldn't work, However, I simply didn't like the rhyme, it seemed too simple or something IDK? All in all like I said, I really did enjoy the verse, very short yet concise and to the point. Thorough.

Ink - Talk about details bro. The imagery you conveyed was pure, the emotions you brought forth were real, before the topic was revealed I was picturing a gorgeous women so yes, the imagery did wonders. Wasn't a huge fan of the finisher in terms of Rhyme, but loved it for this concept. I can tell you take your time while writing and select words with purpose, which I appreciate greatly.

Vote - only verses I've read and I can say this should be the unquestioned BOTW. Each of you had short verses flowed rather well and jam packed with imagery enough to salivate my mouth. You both used the topic extremely well taking very different approaches yet both having great affect. I enjoyed both verses and know, this is a tough vote. Extremely close. But in the end, IMO, Ink wins due to having less (what I perceive) as hiccups. Close bout, BOTW.

[veritas]

this was a cool battle...both were short and too the point. I got to say that was genius. teh whole thing was a metaphor and sexy. I really enjoyed it. I have to agree with the consensus here. mvgt Ink

[Vinzr]

Now i aint a huge fan of short pieces even though i've done a few myself lol but i think both of you did well to give each other a fair battle. Both of u got the point across in the end and thats good, but i thought the distinguishing factor in this battle was the overall approach and execution...im not sure how to describe Objective's verse, cause choppy aint the word but it didnt flow as smoothly tbh. On the other hand i thought Ink's went along nicely and also was executed well and flowed...

v/ Ink

[Mike Wrecka]

awesome battle. props to both.

objective- ya the story line was genius man. it worked on so many levels. the flow was good to me. more multis would have helped your cause but you bolstered your verse with plenty of inners. the imagery was dope. both verses were too short.

ink - i liked your verse alot. very good useage of the fruit describing love and an encounter with a woman. this could have turned out real corny but it didnt and much props for that. only thing was it felt a little LL Cool J ish for me. the lust for a girl has been done to death so it didnt seem as creative as Objectives. dont take it the wrong way i liked it just pointing out the few things i didnt

overall- objectives story gripped me much more. his mechanics werent quite as good but i liked his verse better.

vote- objective

[Red glare]

objective; apple a day keeps the doctor away my friend. you spoke about something hopefully nobody in the AOWL goes through; with good reason. rhyming is great for the brain; always puzzle yourself. this was a good piece; had a dry demeanor somewhat; the message was father time; very real. grounded approach. hint of cappuccino cafe.

Ink;great verse. very abstract and not typically worded at all. I had a sense you were just fooling me; you came across somewhat poetic, but it was totally different than your jawn last week. so gotta give credit where credit is due; well done. I always scroll up to the top to read the topic at the end; and you hit this on the money. so did your opponent really

overall
wow; almost like you two should of just collabed. eerily similar. bittersweet to the maximum. objective left much to worry about. ink was taunting the forbidden fruit; i really hate grapefruit too; with a passion. great job. great battle.

v/Ink

[Vulgar]

Objective - You really shyed away from really turning this into a verse that had prospects for glory. I didn't get the sensation that you wanted to paint a complete picture. I'm probably complaining about the length because I'm not used to reading shorter verses from you - or anyone for that matter in topical leagues. On Netcees, most guys had fuller verses with more on the plate. I'd have liked to see more about the human skulls on pandas illustrations. It's a vague, strangely specific choice for a fantasy-gore styled character, but how did it tie into the story? What's the story behind the story, aka the human skull and the panda? There were some metaphors here to be weaved. I don't think you did so. Cool idea but hollow execution without much fulfillment in terms of showing the reader what your illustration is all about. Just my honest critique. You're a skilled writer and shouldn't underachieve when you've got a potential slobberknocker concept in the bag.

The curse that wipes out landscapes like Oppenheimers
^Liked this line a lot.

Ink - Cool verse here, I liked the images conveyed and a sense of sweetness came through. I was just thinking about grapefruit the other day... needless to say, I didn't get the urge to buy one. "Hair a vibrant evergreen" is clever wording. Overall this was good.

Vote - Ink

[PancakeBrah]

Objective-

What a strong opening line. I read it 3 times, science fact. Then your verse sucked for a little bit, and the ending was cool. I thought, after reading the first bar, I was in for a treat. But it was just a rice cake.

Ink-

Better rhymes than Objectivo. But you really straddled (LOL STRADDLE) the line between cool reading and corny as fuck.

Pretty darn close, fellas.


v/ Objective

[Soulstice]

objective - cool robert j oppenhemier reference. didnt really like 'huge plus' that much, sort of bluntly spoken rather than rhythmically written. concept was cool, human skulls on pandas was pretty interesting imagery. so its clear your rather creative, might as well put more original, far-out imagery into your verse. always give it a unique touch that seperates you from the other writer. keep up the imagery and work on your rhymes and always try and word things smoothly rather than 'huge plus' didnt like that at all. but keep at it cool verse

ink - haha cool. grapefruit. such a refreshingly, do you mind if i say careless, take on the topic. so many deep verses on death and war week in and week out, yet a deceit leading my mind towards a vagina only to reveal, yes it definitely is a grapefruit. flow was alright, not technically perfect, not gonna nit pick though

v - ink for making me say damn i gotta get my head out the gutter

[Cereal_Killa]

Ob:
Oh man that ish was off the chain.. Like woah.. I have never read from you b4 very impressed.. man I love surrealism as a style of art so third line in im like ok this guy doesn’t just have a well structured verse as far as vocab and rhythm, but he also can drop an interesting character in there.. And as this developed getting deeper and deeper, without being brutally forward on the characters internal struggle you pull all of his piece together.. And you did so by being subtly poetic yet at the same time you completely wrenched the readers heart out.. in a nice way :) Dope verse dude..

Ink:
My maine.. lmao.. dude this was hilarious like” oh you thought I was talking about an innocent young girl, well I fooled you” Man dope, your writing is always hot, always I mean truthfully I love your more outrageous stories but you can drop heat regardless.. A quirky lil piece with a good play on the topic.. Truly enjoyed this..

Vote = Objective

I looked at this like c’mon guys wat is it 20 lines each, that is way too short but somehow you both managed to drop something that really did hold its own.. Saying that against a full length verse the one who didn’t would have been flooded here.. Though as it stands man Ob killed that shit for how short it was his character had showed a history, showed a future and a present that consisted of a diluted history and a future of infinite repetition.. So compared to ink verse in humanizing a grape fruit Ob really did kill this imo.. Hot guys, real nice.. gl to both

[King Ra.]

This battle was toooo short for my liking!!! Interesting how you both decided to go this route. Two completely different directions with the topic which made this an interesting one to choose a winner. Objective, your piece after reading it through, had me itching for more, more than Ink's piece tbh. Like Cake, I was hooked by your opening line & you did a nice job with your descriptions though, as with the length of your piece, the skull-panda thing had me scratching my head. Not because I didn't like it, but because I wanted to know more. What exactly is it your character is "painting"? Ink, you took a sort of "sex crazed" direction giving the attributes of a woman to a.... grapefruit. Points on the fact that it's pretty creative and different from a lot of the verses this week & you took that risk in going with it. Like Objective, you were very descriptive, and I like your choice of words to give some of your lines that extra extra. You both had similar structure and shined in similar aspects. While I feel that Ink's take on the topic was risky & was executed well, I felt Objective's piece, while it left me with some questions, was a bit more intriguing while also being written well.

MVGT: Objective.

[Inno]

both dropped some really poetically heavy toned verses lol...i felt like both had that vivid imagery and description down to the T
i mean dam the diction used by both is outstanding..so for me it came down to whos story had more depth or that wow factor i guess lol
in the end i think ama go with INK on this one...he too ka topic and made it his own..thought that was reason enought to give him the
W...ink.

[patrown]

objective- enjoyed the way the verse went with the progression of the illness. excellent word choices, good rhymes.. told the story from an outside perspective, which was an interesting approach for the personal nature of the content. the approach to the subject was almost a statement in itself, but i couldn't quite grasps on to it. however, the digression of the piece worked well.

ink- you could write a book about one word ink. really, you're pretty damn descriptive. the part about the dimples on the skin of the fruit.. was very poetic, and i respect your ability to word anything eloquently. weren't overly reliant on end rhymes, which appealed to me in a basic yet powerful sense. if you could help me out with,
"a rind that salesmen bosses shun" - i would truly love to understand that line, and can sense it has a meaning i can't grasp a hold of. overall very nice showing, and your "jokes" are anything but that to your audience friend.

/v ink - the language chosen was more sincere.. i felt like it was an extremely emotional piece about .. a grapefruit.
although i felt a little bit more for the alzheimers patient, i truly believe more careful word choices in the last few bars would've made my mind up for an objective win this week.

[patrown]

objective- enjoyed the way the verse went with the progression of the illness. excellent word choices, good rhymes.. told the story from an outside perspective, which was an interesting approach for the personal nature of the content. the approach to the subject was almost a statement in itself, but i couldn't quite grasps on to it. however, the digression of the piece worked well.

ink- you could write a book about one word ink. really, you're pretty damn descriptive. the part about the dimples on the skin of the fruit.. was very poetic, and i respect your ability to word anything eloquently. weren't overly reliant on end rhymes, which appealed to me in a basic yet powerful sense. if you could help me out with,
"a rind that salesmen bosses shun" - i would truly love to understand that line, and can sense it has a meaning i can't grasp a hold of. overall very nice showing, and your "jokes" are anything but that to your audience friend.

/v ink - the language chosen was more sincere.. i felt like it was an extremely emotional piece about .. a grapefruit.
felt a little bit more for the alzheimers patient, but i truly believe more careful word choices in the last few bars would've made my mind up for an objective win this week.

[King Ra.]

INK WINS, 9-4.