Aqua Velva

[Frank]

Topic:
"Thanks to words, we have been able to rise above the brutes; and thanks to words, we have often sunk to the level of the demons." - Aldous Huxley

Aqua Velva

My grandpa shaved at the same time, every morning, with the same slanted precision.
I'd watch him from the doorway - rosy cheeked, fair skin -
Handsome incision after handsom incision, he'd glide and handle the blade with careful repetition -
"Never go against the grain" he said with candid wisdom - nicking himself like a bandit wincing.
..
I'd listen to the lather thicken, as it jet streamed from the can landing in his .hands,
He'd pivot towards me in the doorway before he slapped his sanded pigment -
"Sonny, when I was a young lad. I had a cleft chin with only 1 strand in it --
was the manliest smelling kid in the whole second grade" Ask your Grandma --
She laughs smitten - as he splashes my face with aftershave - I stand in his image
Enchanted in tradition -
Grandma planted kisses -
I go to school and ask out Marilyn.
And here we are.
Years later.
Arguing in this aisle over the brands of antiseptics.
..
"Sandlewood, oakmoss, lavender and a hint of Jasmine."
The scent of Brute - it's been 72 years my grandfather splashed it on my skin baptizing me in its invigorant passion
I still remember walking into class past Marylyn and his instant attraction
This magic - the drift of its draft - the whiff of it happening
"The Love in the air" - Marylyn says reminiscing sniffing the cap lid,
It triggers a vivid, closed-caption, still of her grandfather - A kid in a cabinet.
Twisting and basking in it, uncapping it, taking a bath in it - and putting it back in the cabinet.
Their grandfather's must've gotten it right or they wouldn't be here yippin and yappin.
This young salesman picks up Aqua Velva and tests the wrists
Masculine smell heavy on menthol, hints of vanilla -
Your other wrist- he splashes and splishes an dabs him.
Old spice - the overpowering notes of sage and cinnamon have him dilly dallying
Distracted Marylyn grabs him and inhales so deep her ribs are crackin
She isn't ecstatic - The salesman picks a classic: a green bottle - with a gentleman in a top hat in British fashion.
The stuff that keeps barbershop chairs swiveling: distinctively dashing.
She winks at him.
"5$ for 3.5 oz"
She holds up the receipt at him.
He gleans adamant. Smiling so fresh and so clean. He reeks of each smell separately sneezing and gaspin'
..
She can't detect her husband - she reaches for her glasses.
She turns her nose up at who she sees - she reacts as if he's a phantom, meaningless, a bastid
..
She doesn't recognize the man she married, who she's standing in line with

"Miss, Next in line"


Yes I'd like to return this Valentine gift













http://www.sirbrooks.com/images/207_MM-AquaVelva-Ad_1963.jpg

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_nJJMFIwVw40/R4qbFXtTXKI/AAAAAAAACZg/atUBAzIoXa8/s400/DCP_9568.JPG

[Split]

"repetition" felt noticeably off compared to the rest of your opening lines.

Enjoyed the topic, and your approach... smell is the sense with the strongest connection to memory retrieval in the human psyche. I always find that people either find it difficult to lie in their description of smells, or are particularly adept at encapsulating their description of them thru sensory description and use of personal experiences, or it is very clear when someone has never smelled that thing that they referenced because we can tell it is off.

I'd say this is case #2. Gjdm.

lmao @ the twist. I cant tell if this is the grandpa never discovering that the smell of his aftershave repulsed her, if it's some symbology depicting the idolization of 'manliness' and the realization that it is something that is learned and not taught, or if its decrying overcommercialization through mockery.

I think the strongest part of this verse was between the lyricism/ presentation of mechanics, and the attention paid to portraying the Aqua Velva differently each time while describing the smell accurately.

I think one part that could use work- the sense of time in this piece. Maryln/ Marilyn confused me a bit in regards to that, as did the dual relationship between the grandoarents and the grandson and his girl, as did the sudden jumps between time frames.

The separation of each experience could contribute a LOT to the thematic elements at play here (growing up/ realization that adulthood is not what we imagined or envisioned in our childhood) so it was a bit frustrating that the barriers and transitions were very much on the thin side of clarity.


An otherwise great verse that could have used a final edit, imo. Good stuff, Frank.

[PancakeBrah]

I'm going to lock these.

Quit spamming/bumping and provide links.

Thanks.

[Hush]

This was dope

[Certain]

Aesthetically, this verse was very pleasing. Your rhymes bounced all over the place smoothly and didn't feel forced. I liked the images you presented and your descriptions of the various aftershaves and the acknowledgement of the power of scent in seduction. But I just don't know what happened in the end, and that's pretty much a deal-breaker. I've read this four times now, including a few days ago, and still haven't put together what that ending was about. So Marilyn/Marylyn falls for our narrator while he's wearing the Brut, but our narrator still wants to try something else for no apparent reason. And once he disrupts his normal smell by trying these other things, the bond is broken? Why are they in an aisle full of various aftershaves when he's been using the same one forever anyway? That was strange.

You wrote this very well. The content didn't keep up.

[Hush]

I love my grandpa

[Vulgar]

If this is 72 years later, why would Aqua Velva still be on the perfume store shelf? Just one possible flaw I saw. No biggie. Rise above the "brutes" - brutes being the cologne or aftershave scent, I'm not sure how this tackles the topic. Thanks to words, we're able to sell all different types of nostalgic fragrances. Thanks to words, we're also able to be seduced by young salesmen. So this woman cheats on her husband, then chooses not to recognize him? She doesn't identify him by scent.

Also, in the beginning you clue that the grand-daughter is rosy-cheeked, fair skinned, but then the grandpa refers to her as Sonny. I was like... wait, is she a unisex person? Nevermind, you can be a boy and be rosy-cheeked. Disregard...

Yeah I don't get this.