Topical: Certain vs. Split Eight - CERTAIN WINS 5-2

[Certain]

A verse of 32 lines or fewer shall be due Friday. This will be the topic:

http://i.imgur.com/1e0sOUP.jpg

Voting links:

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=45310
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=44129
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=31488
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=8141

[Split]

yes to the red pill. blue saved for later.
if this one's a dud... we'll re-up, take thirds.
she mentioned fear was a step from love to its absence.
tucked in embraces. a peripheral slumbering savage.
you run and keep up, but the abyss advances,
scrapes at your heels till you teeter, and glance back,
you swiveled and slammed back on sneakers of canvas,
pupils dilating, lying in pooling arterial damage-

i hear tonight is the type asteroids might like to devour.
instead of counting the sheep, I'll be biding the hours-
it's showering ash. in the ambulance. it's raining dust.
stay with us, wait, just take a handful of this pumice and scrub.
and take nothing from love. stayed awake for the sun
til the chasm between us swallowed us up.

I always believed that sleep is a flash of the phoenix-
in light you're consumed by fangs of the day,
but midnight was long in the teeth, cause
it all seems a dreamscape. an impossible sequence.
i'll talk of your death in a haikuterized philosophical thesis.
one I scrawled by your breathings, till they stalled into vapors,
by the unoperable table the doctors' saw Occam dawn on the razor.
contortions of sinew switched in a vigorous ritual
from living to corpse, like a click of a pistol,
a gritty divorce, from brimming with warmth
to eclipsed by infinity. a shell that's been torched.
a dose from reality, improperly blotted.
over and over. you're falling unconscious.
over and over. you know how to stop it.
in slumber. and photographs. you seem fine.
you don't exist in this time. but no longer do i.

I'll leave you, to you... / I'm warmed by the Polaroids, / and blind to their truth.

http://i.imgur.com/1e0sOUP.jpg

[Certain]

Cheeks flushed. I've got dirty little secrets tucked away
underneath, crushed.
My humble Venus, something sways,
the trees, brush and leaves gust.
We're on our dune, lust and trust.
Astray. Why do you touch and play?
I've got heartburn.
I've got nothing much to say.
I've got so much to do, but gumption fades.
And if you work hard enough,
you, too, will stop giving a fuck someday.
Baritone creaking. Standing sideways on the broken path.
That's about the time I felt the ocean splash.
Ebb and flow. You're playing with my convulsions,
and my hope has passed.
Every joke and laugh exposes throats to chokes and gags,
and I'm already coughing enough as is.
Scoffing. My crutch dragging.
We climbed mountains together.
Mostly you stood on my shoulders and looked out to the heavens.
Chamomile tea, with an ounce of confection.
No, it's too late. I'm burning the world down.
Turning a girl's frown into a permanent mural now.
Getting my rocks off. Cursively curse the town.
Purging my patience.
And maybe there's another reason to look to the sky when the churches are vacant.
And you? You're nervously pacing.
So take a picture before it all gets turned into pavement,
before tonight is a blur for the vagrants,
before I author my cobblestone opus.

Because I've never looked so pretty,
and you've never bothered to notice.

[Exis]

Split:

yes to the red pill. blue saved for later.
if this one's a dud... we'll re-up, take thirds.
she mentioned fear was a step from love to its absence.
tucked in embraces. a peripheral slumbering savage.

^^Loved the opener from you, not the most conventional but I dug it alot.

you run and keep up, but the abyss advances,
scrapes at your heels till you teeter, and glance back,
you swiveled and slammed back on sneakers of canvas,
pupils dilating, lying in pooling arterial damage-

^^Cool.

i hear tonight is the type asteroids might like to devour.
instead of counting the sheep, I'll be biding the hours-
it's showering ash. in the ambulance. it's raining dust.
stay with us, wait, just take a handful of this pumice and scrub.
and take nothing from love. stayed awake for the sun
til the chasm between us swallowed us up.

^^This was slick.

I always believed that sleep is a flash of the phoenix-
in light you're consumed by fangs of the day,
but midnight was long in the teeth, cause
it all seems a dreamscape. an impossible sequence.
i'll talk of your death in a haikuterized philosophical thesis.

^^Dope section....middle part of this was awesome.

one I scrawled by your breathings, till they stalled into vapors,
by the unoperable table the doctors' saw Occam dawn on the razor.
contortions of sinew switched in a vigorous ritual
from living to corpse, like a click of a pistol,
a gritty divorce, from brimming with warmth
to eclipsed by infinity. a shell that's been torched.

^^Probably your best flowin' segment...rolled off the tongue nicely in my head, not sure that made sense lol.

a dose from reality, improperly blotted.
over and over. you're falling unconscious.
over and over. you know how to stop it.
in slumber. and photographs. you seem fine.
you don't exist in this time. but no longer do i.

I'll leave you, to you... / I'm warmed by the Polaroids, / and blind to their truth.

^^Aight on the closer, when it got to 'you seem fine' shit seemed a little abrupt in endin' that line...wasn't really feelin' that part tbh.

Certain:

Cheeks flushed. I've got dirty little secrets tucked away
underneath, crushed.
My humble Venus, something sways,
the trees, brush and leaves gust.
We're on our dune, lust and trust.
Astray. Why do you touch and play?

^^Nice stuff...scheme is slick.

I've got heartburn.
I've got nothing much to say.
I've got so much to do, but gumption fades.
And if you work hard enough,
you, too, will stop giving a fuck someday.
Baritone creaking. Standing sideways on the broken path.
That's about the time I felt the ocean splash.
Ebb and flow. You're playing with my convulsions,
and my hope has passed.
Every joke and laugh exposes throats to chokes and gags,
and I'm already coughing enough as is.
Scoffing. My crutch dragging.
We climbed mountains together.
Mostly you stood on my shoulders and looked out to the heavens.

^^Awesome man...love the content here, wordin' is dope with it.

Chamomile tea, with an ounce of confection.
No, it's too late. I'm burning the world down.
Turning a girl's frown into a permanent mural now.

^^Imagery for days.

Getting my rocks off. Cursively curse the town.
Purging my patience.
And maybe there's another reason to look to the sky when the churches are vacant.

^^And again.

And you? You're nervously pacing.
So take a picture before it all gets turned into pavement,
before tonight is a blur for the vagrants,
before I author my cobblestone opus.

Because I've never looked so pretty,
and you've never bothered to notice.

^^Great closer.

Honestly, you both did your thing...I thought both verses were tight in different ways.I love how Split has that unorthodox style with weird word choices that work, loved the imagery Certain has with more user friendly (so to speak) material...loved Split's wit & diction...but really felt how Certain kept things so compact and easy to read, fuck 'tis hard to decide...there's no bias shit here as I dig both of y'all but I gotta vote for Certain.

If Split disagrees that's cool just disregard this...just wanted to help you guys out with votes in a 'real' way...I thought what you both bought was stellar and praise you both for a dope battle.

Vote - Certain.

Stay uppity peoples.

[dead man]

split - your verse made me recall an excerpt i read recently.

"...the habit of photographic seeing - of looking at reality as an array of potential photographs - creates estrangement from, rather than union with, nature." - Susan Sontag

idk. anyway, its always difficult as a peer and as a sublimatory writer myself to place a verse concerning personal, often sensitive topics on an objective scale to tell you how good it is. it is your creation, your story. its as good as it can be to that end. rather i aim to measure how well the writing engaged me for what it was. heavily focused on creating a distinct image-laden voice as you have been more recently. i think i saw fig comment on your tendency to gravitate towards more 'photographic' or visually inclined content. i think it suits your interest now but be cautious to avoid the pigeonhole. explore more than you are comfortable with in most regards. this was a well written (if not slightly obscured at times) and honorable memorandum to your friend, and a well developed response to the topic.

certain - very minimalist approach to your writing and idk why but my schema of what is expected from your work is less restricted than this felt in terms of meter and such. not in a negative way critically, just an incongruence with what i had in mind prior. your take was most cemented, no pun intended, during this section:

So take a picture before it all gets turned into pavement,
before tonight is a blur for the vagrants,
before I author my cobblestone opus.
these were a strong couple of lines to really allow your reader to mentalize your motives as far as the picture itself is concerned.

the mountains together/on my shoulders was a fantastic concept as well. you guys used the idea of a photograph in action in such different contexts which made this battle something of distinct wonder. both centered on a nostalgic spirit of photographs, yet split took on a more literal form while certain sort of abstracted it into a conduit for the issue of looking at something (or someone) vs. seeing it.

great matchup and would have made a great tourney submission on both ends.

after great consideration i have to award CERTAIN this victory.

thanks bros.




1

[Just Write]

this was a pretty good battle. split i loved your opener and also the tonight's a night astroids like to devour was probably my favorite line of the battle. just idk, loved that part. my problem is everytime i read one of your pieces i get lost with the schemes you use and it's hard for it to flow right.. to me, or maybe i'm just too stupid to pick it up, ionno. still a very above average read and i enjoyed your word usage for example, vigorous ritual/click of a pistol was nice

it all seems a dreamscape. an impossible sequence.
i'll talk of your death in a haikuterized philosophical thesis.
one I scrawled by your breathings, till they stalled into vapors,
by the unoperable table the doctors' saw Occam dawn on the razor.
contortions of sinew switched in a vigorous ritual
from living to corpse, like a click of a pistol,
a gritty divorce, from brimming with warmth
to eclipsed by infinity. a shell that's been torched.

^^fav section

certain,
i very much enjoyed this read, a little more simple in terms on vocabulary but to me I like reading (and writing) more simple pieces because it conveys a message more clearly to the reader. yes it's great to show off an extensive vocabulary but not necessary when you have toe ability to show emotion and express sound thoughts.

I've got nothing much to say.
I've got so much to do, but gumption fades.
And if you work hard enough,
you, too, will stop giving a fuck someday.
Baritone creaking. Standing sideways on the broken path.
That's about the time I felt the ocean splash.
Ebb and flow. You're playing with my convulsions,
and my hope has passed.
Every joke and laugh exposes throats to chokes and gags,
and I'm already coughing enough as is.

^^perfect example this portion was beautiful (no homo)

this was a very good battle, a lot closer than the votes are showing but i think there was just a little spark (like what i did there?) that made certains verse stand out more imo so i'm gunna give my vote to him. again, great battle guys. love reading pieces from both of you. stay up

[Objective]

Split Eight: Even tho' it's in italics I didn't like the fact that it didn't rhyme, specially when the words doesn't seem to connect with anything rhyme-wise on the following lines either. What you're saying makes sense, but it's just there kinda.

The first paragraph, although not very strong rhymewise yet it had its slight moments there as well, is quite nice. It introduces me to what you're going at pretty well tbh. Same thing goes for the second paragraph only a bit stronger overall. Enjoyed the image you portrayed.

''I always believed that sleep is a flash of the phoenix- ''
^ Nice, definitely caught my attention! And you followed through with it pretty nice as well.

Definitely dope how you closed it up with a haiku as well.

Overall: Dope verse. Tells the story of a couple(?) taking drugs where one of them ends up on the operating table. Using the image as a metaphore for them opening him up(?) and he eventually dies. Not quite sure about this, but that's what I make out of it. And although I thought it could have been stronger a couple places rhymewise it was a pretty dope showing and I thoroughly enjoyed the read. Well done.

Certain: You jump straight into it, no need for an intro here. This is what it's all about. Although it seems like you're going at a rather generic topic it plays out well.

''And if you work hard enough,
you, too, will stop giving a fuck someday.''
^ Thought this was dope as I reflected a bit about what you just said.

And right after that line you get into what this verse is all about.

''Purging my patience.
And maybe there's another reason to look to the sky when the churches are vacant.''
^ Another line I enjoyed.

Overall: Kinda simple yet complete and effective as you cover the hardships of relationships. The closure is really great as well and truly paints the image of what you're trying to convey with the topic you both were going at.

Vote: Definitely enjoyed both verses and I enjoyed how you guys went on about it. Effective and dope. However, when it comes to who I thought was the victor in this battle I get a little bit conflicted. Certain had a solid showing in all aspects, yet the theme he was talking about was nothing new or too exciting although he did indeed make it so. Since it's a kinda close battle I got to take that into account. Split Eight had a pretty dope showing as well, a bit more complex but came correct although I'd like to see it a little more connected in terms of the rhyme-scheme here and there. Split showed that could keep it going etc., but there were places in there that I thought could be better, or polished, in terms of that.

All in all I thought the battle was cool, but in terms of ideas and a slightly more interesting verse my vote goes in favor of Split Eight. Dope battle.

[Frank]

Voting from a phone

Vote - Certain

'Sneakers of canvas' gave me a rubbery smell through the tv screen. 3D line right there. Certain, heart burn, getting your rocks off, subtle fire, verse was literal lava lamp cracked spilling all over me.

Thanks for the read. Vote goes to Certain for a more certain verse opposed to splits split up style

[Split]

ima let Frank's vote slide. up. PM for RTFs

[Aesthetic]

Split:

Really dig the intro

yes to the red pill. blue saved for later.
if this one's a dud... we'll re-up, take thirds.
she mentioned fear was a step from love to its absence.
tucked in embraces. a peripheral slumbering savage.
you run and keep up, but the abyss advances,
scrapes at your heels till you teeter, and glance back,
you swiveled and slammed back on sneakers of canvas,
pupils dilating, lying in pooling arterial damage-

Felt like you were talking about the feeling instead of events which is really cool but I felt like it was missing desired imagery.

i hear tonight is the type asteroids might like to devour.
instead of counting the sheep, I'll be biding the hours-
it's showering ash. in the ambulance. it's raining dust.
stay with us, wait, just take a handful of this pumice and scrub.
and take nothing from love. stayed awake for the sun
til the chasm between us swallowed us up.

Your goin in a direction that's hard to spot but once you see it your like oh yeah ok, cool im following. But honstly I found it difficult to dig cause again, your just using feeling which matches the subject matter perfectly but there is something that's missing, It might be your wording but whatever it is I want to SEE it.

I always believed that sleep is a flash of the phoenix-
in light you're consumed by fangs of the day,

I want more of this.

you don't exist in this time. but no longer do i.

I'll leave you, to you... / I'm warmed by the Polaroids, / and blind to their truth.


Cool, romeo and juliet.

Overall it was a good read with layed out plot good vocab etc. But again, I wanted to see your picture. You painted a smell, I wanted a color.


Certain:


Cheeks flushed. I've got dirty little secrets tucked away
underneath, crushed.
My humble Venus, something sways,

I feel this like gravity. Good start


the trees, brush and leaves gust.
We're on our dune, lust and trust.
Astray. Why do you touch and play?
I've got heartburn.
I've got nothing much to say.
I've got so much to do, but gumption fades.

Doesn't pickup how Id like it to.



And if you work hard enough,
you, too, will stop giving a fuck someday.
Baritone creaking. Standing sideways on the broken path.

I was getting into it and you hit me with

That's about the time I felt the ocean splash.

My face got cold man, love it.

Turning a girl's frown into a permanent mural now.
Getting my rocks off. Cursively curse the town.
Purging my patience.

I know it baby. Good connection, real shit.


And maybe there's another reason to look to the sky when the churches are vacant.

I want more of this

Because I've never looked so pretty,
and you've never bothered to notice.

And this...

Overall it was very emotional and felt like you were writing from the heart and real life events. Which is more than respectable.



Im fucking stuck... You guys both played of love stories that had conflicting endings that left my toes curled. Your plots played out as any good story shoot intro,climax,ending,resolution....

Split had the lyricism.... I have to give it to him

V/Split

[Certain]

I lead 4-2.

[James Bond]

My vote goes to Certain.

[Certain]

My vote goes to Certain.

Why?

[oats]

Split: There was a strong emotional current that ran throughout the verse that established a tug on me early on and never let go. That's something that can't be learned, I don't think. Although the writing mechanics of rhyme schemes and flow were fairly mid-level (nothing bad, nothing great), the diction was excellent. I clearly understood not only the explicit happenings of what built up to the final haiku (a beautiful addition, might I add), but also the metaphorical musings as well. It was an excellent verse.

I do think the connection of that verse to the picture was a little flimsy though. It was there - the last stanza started to tie it all together, but it felt like I was almost done with your verse before I started to see signs of linkage. That sheds some points off, as it is a topic-al battle. In any case, I thought it was a strong verse overall. Although I would have liked to see stronger rhymes and a more thorough metaphor based off of the picture, I think you packaged your verse within the length confines neatly and skillfully.


Certain: I thought the comparisons of geological processes and human relationships was exceedingly clever. Though some individual lines were a bit much for my liking (heartburn), they all served a greater purpose and worked to construct a clear image of both the magma buildup leading into eruption as well as the negligence of a lover that causes an emotional outburst.

I don't have much to nitpick here. You nailed the concept. As far as the writing is concerned, I had no quarrel. Pretty thorough effort.

Vote: This is difficult to vote on. Something about Split's verse spoke to me more than Certain's, but Certain def hit a bullseye with his concept and execution, whereas Split had me wanting more. For that reason, gotta give it to Certain. Excellent match, glad I stopped by to read.

[Certain]

Good impromptu match, Split Eight.

Sharp Nine, I adjusted our records and moved this out of your way.

[Sharp]

Good impromptu match, Split Eight.

Sharp Nine, I adjusted our records and moved this out of your way.

much obliged. sorry, I was in bed by the time oats voted. did you also do the BA rankings? I'll grab that if you didn't

[Certain]

much obliged. sorry, I was in bed by the time oats voted. did you also do the BA rankings? I'll grab that if you didn't

No, I don't know how you keep that stuff.

[Sharp]

Gotcha, I'll update it tonight