AOWL Week 7: Kuja (2-3) vs. ZenLand (3-3) [ZENLAND WINS BY FORFEIT.]

[Split]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum.

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/30 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 3/31 at 11:59 PST. NO LATER!!!

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.
Voting ends TUESDAY 2/2 at 11:59 PST. (Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUST check in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.


TOPIC: Murder is the author of peace.


Good luck to both participants. Kuja ZenLand

[Atheist]

Seen .

[Zen]

Check. Good luck sir.

[Zen]

Obnoxious Dave

Depressed. Betrayed. Compressed. Decayed under Heaven's weight. 'I best behave,
Still in a belligerent temperment. I waste no breath to pray. What's left I save.'
Relax. Pause. Wait for honest praise. Blast off like a comet's blaze.
Emotionally bonkers. Socially awkward jackin off to topless babes.
Obnoxious Dave. Stocked with rage loves nothin but blood gushin from mosh pits with blades
....And this is one of his positive days.
Ominous gaze. Apathy. Too mad to breathe. A savage beast on top of his game.
Black tee's and platinum chains but something's happened, A change.
He's zapped and tazed and slapped in chains.
Locked up in handcuffs on a passenger plane
For rap sheets of past beefs of madness and rage.
Inspector Matheson proclaimed, 'Stan have this faggot arrained in the cabin with Shane.
Hey you bastard!! Don't you have any shame!?'
Obnoxious Dave has not been phased. Locked in place he gives the cop a gaze.
.....This is one of his positive days.
He replyed, 'No it's a habit that became a labyrinth of pain.
I'm savage. Insane. An addict contained in a cavern of brains.'
He laughs. He's crazed. Happily deranged. Stan doubles back and paces
To the table to look at their faces. A myriam of victims.
He's unable to maintain his calm. He puts his face in his palms.
He starts to pray to Psalms...But it doesn't help...Something's felt.
Anger to this stranger he's got to release. He grabs the gun in his belt.
He rips apart at the seams. A dove in Hell...He loves himself.
Obnoxious Dave is shot in the face. Bullet lodged in place at the top of his brain.
.....Stan just had a positive day....

[Atheist]

Forfeit .

[Zen]

Exts are always fine broheim. Take your time. And good luck with that hangover....And gettin drunk on good friday? Smh you sinner haha

[Nigma]

Loved the rhyme scheme Zen. The way you bounced back in forth between multies reminds me of how I've been trying to write lately. 90% of the verse was awesome in my opinion, the only shortcomings were a line or two that were focused more on the rhyme scheme then the content, sections that required more description then they were given or something. Too hung over for specific quotes, but it wasn't nothing major at all. Very nice drop.

Kuja, you came with a verse predominantly more focused on content over rhyme scheme which contrasted well with your opponents verse here from a readers standpoint. You had an enigmatic verse, something I am quite fond of. Not only was my curiousity peeked throughout the read, but I'm still pondering the perspective you took. J.t.R = JT Ready? In any case, I'm fairly sure you wrote this based off a real person which gives the emotions felt another level of depth.

I really really liked Zen here, however Kujas verse really stuck with me this week. Great battle!

[Aesthetic]

ZenLand

Dope wording I like how you setup the song aswell with the

"Obnoxious Dave. Stocked with rage loves nothin but blood gushin from mosh pits with blades
....And this is one of his positive days."

Really set's tone and the ending up for a like an story.

I like most of the song; Not many problems man keep it up. Simple read yet complex; Luvin ur shit.



Kuja

"Ill haunt people’s dreams, history’s greatest mystery
A great scar on mankind’s legacy from its darkest injury
People prevailed, bound together, they embraced"


God damn Kuja, you just scared the shit out of me with that verse..

Using a cereal killer's perspective to write art in a sick but beautiful way was one of the most talented schemes I seen in a long fucking time man...



Fuck, I dont wanna be on the niggas dick so I wont compliment an admire his verse as much as it deserves.

No fucking problems, near flawless.

V/Kuja, he blew out someone else's birthday candles..



Summary:

Straight up yall was neck and neck till about half way till Kuja's verse started to just like snap into it,
like you both setup the song's right.
Put em up sat em down with wording and climax tight.
Ending was both staggering and meaningful.

Idk how to not exxaggerate either one of your lyrics.

KEEEEPPP IT UPPP

[IamBenT]

Zen - Great job on the rhyme scheme, its so impressive to read this and see it done well and creatively with smart word choices, because anyone who has tried it (and I am one such person) recognizes how difficult it is to do throughout a verse while STILL being true to the story and avoiding boring rhymation ie rhyme for rhyme's sake. I think like Nigma said this was solid like 90% of the way in terms of said scheme. The story itself is interesting, I would have liked to know more about Dave, and especially more about Stan who seems to be one of those psychotic law enforcement people, and his reason for blasting Dave in the face didn't fit right for me, as I didn't get a good feel as to why he would do it, besides Dave's inherent evil. just hard to believe for me, but other than that a really creative and well-written verse.

Quotes:

Inspector Matheson proclaimed, 'Stan have this faggot arrained in the cabin with Shane.
Hey you bastard!! Don't you have any shame!?'hilarious

He replyed, 'No it's a habit that became a labyrinth of pain.
I'm savage. Insane. An addict contained in a cavern of brains.' Scary stuff

Kuja - Near flawless flow in this verse. I have seen many many verses on Jack the Ripper, but its usually during all of his Ripping, so this was fresher in terms of looking at the fact the nigga was never caught and was probably chilling somewhere watching London go nuts trying to find him. WHERE's mothafucking Sherlock Holmes when you need him, shit? I digress.. Great attention to detail, the word choice is steller, the Title takes me back to that Johnny Depp movie, and showing us how the murdering brought the doctor peace would have made the verse better for me, but its nitpicking. Solid showing!

Quotes:

Blind fools! they need only scratch beneath the surface
To see my public service, I made a whole city nervous
They call them murders, failing to see my art had purpose
The streets overcrowded, I moved swiftly like a serpent
Know this for certain, when you walk alone in the midst
I’ll be working the night shift, shrouded behind the nights mist
I’m giving birth to the 20th century.. Dope


Vote - Kuja for a textbook winning verse.

[Soulstice]

zen - first of all, myriad. loved the rhyme scheme. it seems to stutter but in a way that it is almost designed to, because the way it bounces around is consistent and then a kicks back up for an assault of multi rhymes until the next stagger. the duality in this piece was excellent, i just wish you wouldve expanded more on the inner darkness that both characters shared. there was a lot of room for potential. the imagery was solid too (cavern of brains) and i wont nitpick any wording because it all went towards a real slick scheme. also, the obnoxious dave bit and the "better days" refrain added some dark humor and another dimension towards the piece. all of this couldve been expanded upon in my opinion.

kuja - well, i think neither verse here was developed as much as it could be. jack the ripper is a chilling character with sociopathic motives (hopefully) nobody on this site can relate to, and a short verse depicting jack the ripper as someone who sees himself as an artist certainly couldve been expanded upon. there wasn't enough evidence for me in this self-analysis for more to really be convinced that jtr truly thought of himself as an artist, or even an author, and one of peace for that matter. the gruesome psyche of the famous character shown through, certainly, but the motives (the main purpose of the piece) were a little grey to me. technically speaking, it was fine, although some multis wouldn't hurt to improve it and really catch someones eye aesthetically speaking

v - zenland

on what turned out to be a battle between exposes on the murderers psyche, vote goes to zenland for a deceptively multidimensional piece.

[Vulgar]

Zenland - That was well executed. The structure surprised me at first and I had no faith in it but upon reading it you restored it pretty decisively. Liked the rhythm, the concept and how you approached the topic. I thought you could've been slightly more witty in a few parts to really drive home the central concept in almost a machine-gun like fashion. Here you picked your shots and waited for a literal blast from a gun at the end. My style would've been more of a peppering with bullets. Self control was on your side here. Props.

Kuja - I don't know about this one man, it felt predictable to me. I knew where it was going from the first lines and it didn't really take me anywhere I haven't been before. I've seen the movie, read a couple of articles about him. I thought you were going for something morbid and simplistic. A true "topical" with a beginning, build up and an end. Also might I say a little formulaic, especially in the case of Jack the Ripper. I've seen it too many times and my biggest critique was that you didn't do anything to maximize what previous writers have. "Painting the streets with blood to form a masterpiece" is not an original concept. Just my honest opinion.

My vote goes to Zenland for a more original piece.

[Red glare]

zenland; i guess what does not kill you; makes you stronger. this week you switch your style around and it pays off. wacky verse. good method acting. you took on the character and his attributes and presented them in a deranged display. the flow was cool; very much alive. word choice was on-point; nothing to waver my attention or wander my perspective. this verse; for what it was; was a little crazy; not quite straight jacket - but lower level looney bin. lol.

kuja;
I worked alone, armed with a palette of scarlet tones
Painting my victims down to the white marble bones
that was the route you needed to go to evoke a chilling demeanor. verse played the surface; was a rough sketch of something more dubious. kudos for showing. wasn't enthralled.

v/ ZenLand

[Que]

??????

[Que]

I guess I have no choice but to throw in a vote for Zeland

[Cereal_Killa]

zen:

Dude your structure is always flawless.. i mean no one brings it in as close as you do like 1 _ 1 as a constant generic base, keyword constant and then your advance on it wildly always keeping the same rhythm..

I'm savage. Insane. An addict contained in a cavern of brains.'

wow.. that is sick dude..

hey story wise ok, vocab hot as always and your character name "obnoxious dave" that was highly humorous to me the whole time.. Nice piece..

[King Ra.]

ZENLAND WINS BY FORFEIT.