AOWL Week 7: Topicaldood5 (1-0) vs. Innovator (2-4) [TOPICALDOOD5 WINS, 6-3.]

[Split]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum.

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/30 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 3/31 at 11:59 PST. NO LATER!!!

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.
Voting ends TUESDAY 2/2 at 11:59 PST. (Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUST check in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.


TOPIC: Hate is courage for the blind.


Good luck to both participants. TopicalDood5 Innovator

[Inno]

In.

[Soulstice]

in this

[Soulstice]

A Tale of Two Armies

And the smoke flows through the psychic's haggard fingers
And hides in the darkened corners where the daggers linger
Savage figures take form in the crystal ball on the stage
They tear at the limbs of each other in an unsolvable rage
This prodigious sage predicts a future of stars stole from the skies
Where a war field husbands with blood, and no one survives

A sea of soldiers in patterns positioned for war
Wardrums echo in tune to the rhythm of hordes
Stomping on earth, invoking visions of gore
This schism fit into the distance between Earth and the Sky
Crimson armor emblazoned with a purpose to die
As the marauders roll forth in a murderous tide

So from his pulpit our fine emperor summons his cavalry
Bastards, tattered armor, battle-scarred and numb from the savagery
Succumbing to majesty, taking orders at the tap of a sceptre
Practicing two-step defense, memorizing tactical lectures
The capitals best are, now preparing for an assault by a legion
As winter suddenly strikes, a change from prosperous seasons
Exalting the regent, they scream and charge forward to battle
Ready to shed blood of fellow man, if they're implored by the castle

The crimson fellowship approaches the enemies garrison
Ready to purge their scourge like heaven-sent seraphim
Impending and definite - their doom a portent for all
- but swiftly opposing forces pour forth from the walls!
Commands contorted and palled - no more flanking and waiting
Both armies charge towards each other - no escaping their fate
Two enraged dictators take that they'll finish by their kismet
But unbeknownst to them - both were taking whispers from the mystic!

And In the end your throne will see the other ripped from his
As the armies slash and flay and rip each other limb by limb
And in the end your mighty, crimson seat will stand alone
As the battlefield becomes replaced with an open tomb

A power vacuum then existed, but was quickly closed and filled
By an all-seeing clairvoyant who could impose his will
He raised an army and claimed the land without resistance
Their lives saved by the battles fought at his insistance
Two kings and two countries - dead and conquered
It holds true that thrones of rage and fear will never prosper

[Inno]

Projecting with Bullets

Cocked back he spots and tracks his targets like it’s a sport
Brain splatters over chalk and blackboards as he shows no remorse….


…3 months back


John was a loner because dad was gone and moms was a stoner
the type of kid who drank just to drink so he was never sober.
A lost cause at odds with his flaws with no direction to his order
he roams his mind searching for a thought to call his own.
So he’s influenced by what he sees on TV believing it’s what he should know.
An outcast with a scared past John likes to pretend those aren’t facts,
that he doesn’t lack the social skills and that his life isn’t full of cracks.
In school he slacks because he figures no one there gives a crap
so he blends in with the chairs and his skin resembles the walls
No notice from his peer’s he’s alone amongst the crowd in the halls.
With no one to leer he yearns for the attention of any one near.
No acceptance creates resentment so hate becomes the replacement
of his want to be accepted, instead he vows vengeance over patience
Sick with bitterness he becomes a regular patient to his ignorance.
They call him a freak, a weirdo, a geek, he tries, but it’s hard to ignore this.
His life they ruin with taunts ensuing his flaws are a shoe in for the laughs
but the truth is he’s had it with the bullshit…
Everyone will know of it...from the students to the teachers on staff.

he gathers amo and the courage to face the horror
he doesnt know if hell make it...but none one else will
hes sure, as he reaches the steps of the school he prepares
for the gore.

He kicks in the doors with 2 44’s one in each hand he implores
“Everybody hit the floor!”, as he aimed at the kids on all fours.
This time he’s the bully and the school will see his fury and more.
Cocked back he spots and tracks his targets like it’s a sport
Brain splatters over chalk and blackboards as he shows no remorse….
Destruction is his course as violence indorses his actions to kill.
justified in his decision, he lets off creating corpses from the blood spill.
BAM! The jock…BOOM!! The cheerleader, they get it in every spot
BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!! He takes a stand on top of the bodies he rots.
Who once were fresh to life find their flesh new to deaths plots.
Down each class he claims victim after victim a massacre he insists on.
No one is safe and he hasn’t missed with his pistols;
his wrists consistent with extinguishing everyone from existence.
In a blind stupor of rage John lost it all to his ignorance
blaming the world for every miserable instance,
giving courage to his misplaced hatred.
Setting blame in all the right places except where it belongs
He cocks the gun back and aims at his problems
as he exhales his last breathe from his lungs.
Peace at last.

[IamBenT]

Fantastic battle of the cliches this week lol

TopicalDood5 - Okay man... just showing off here lol The word choice was just stellar, really fantastic. At first I thought oh no not another Medieval verse (lol I have written and read many of these so I am a bit jaded), but your attention to detail and impeccable flow (through 95 percent of it ) just kept me reading and wanting to know what was going to happen next. The wordiness can at times, for me, detract from the suspense of what you have here, which is a really interesting story, but your vocab is great, and the ending is very sly and reflects the topic in a roundabout but symbolic way, which is similar to the route I took this week, so I like it lol Great verse man.

Quotes:

And the smoke flows through the psychic's haggard fingers
And hides in the darkened corners where the daggers linger I just love the way it began

The crimson fellowship approaches the enemies garrison
Ready to purge their scourge like heaven-sent seraphim
Impending and definite - their doom a portent for all
- but swiftly opposing forces pour forth from the walls! What a Twist! lol

Innovator - Even though this has been done to death as a storyline, I still think you had some refreshing details
that other writers i have read before have missed, and your wordchoice was strong, plus I liked your use of multis through most of this verse. Still thinking of how this verse meshes with the topic, it seems to fit the "Murder is the author of Peace" better, but I can sort of see how John's hatred fueled him to do something he would not ordinarily do. Some of the best writing in this came as you are exploring John's past and his pain, his life, and really painting a vivid picture of his struggle. The end, with the gory details, was great too.

Quotes:

John was a loner because dad was gone and moms was a stoner
the type of kid who drank just to drink so he was never sober.
A lost cause at odds with his flaws with no direction to his order really strong start

Brain splatters over chalk and blackboards as he shows no remorse….
Destruction is his course as violence indorses his actions to kill.
justified in his decision, he lets off creating corpses from the blood spill.
BAM! The jock…BOOM!! The cheerleader, they get it in every spot
BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!! He takes a stand on top of the bodies he rots.
Who once were fresh to life find their flesh new to deaths plots. Really Cooking in this section

Vote -TopicalDood5 for a more polished, original, and well-written verse. I feel Inno's verse shows a real improvement in all facets of his game, but its clear to me in TopicalDood, we are dealing with someone who is in a different class at the moment.

[Soulstice]

http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5414-AOWL-Week-7-Championship-Frank-(5-0)-vs-Red-glare-(4-1)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5417-AOWL-Week-7-Kuja-(2-3)-vs-ZenLand-(3-3)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5415-AOWL-Week-7-Contendership-Zygote-(4-1)-vs-Adonis-(3-0)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5416-AOWL-Week-7-Cereal_Killa-(1-0)-vs-King-Keith-(3-1)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5421-AOWL-Week-7-Split-(3-2)-vs-IAmBenT-(2-1)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!

i was down a vote from last week. heres 5

[Frank]

Soulstice - Some "rush''...... vocabulary was out of this league - came off like a mockery - idea deserved more credit I thought - you kinda threw it under a magic school bus though so it wasn't that careless. It wasn't corny but it did feel sarcastic a lil. The 3 bar schemes were refreshing to see; I picked up on that. You wrote a well tailored verse, I'm trying to find something wrong with it. I enjoyed this verse; you lived up to the hype. That I could say.

Innovator - Tale of hopelessness magnified by your online woes. Like a closer look into the mind of AOWLs notorious free poster. True to yourself; you capture the down and out mentality of a druggie gone mad. The concept is universally known; but it has not been attempted in 7 weeks in over 100 verses. Finally. You mentioned horrocore, style of rhyme, early in the week and I feel you have brought the idea to life.

I am Voting for Innovator because I was not in the mood for a wizard verse on this night; I was more impressed with The Innovator this week, capitalizing on a risk and winning; not by literary devices - Heart.

[Split]

OpticNoodle5.

So from his pulpit our fine emperor summons his cavalry
Bastards, tattered armor, battle-scarred and numb from the savagery
Succumbing to majesty, taking orders at the tap of a sceptre
Practicing two-step defense, memorizing tactical lectures
cool verse. good lyrics. didnt really enjoy it, i'm kind of biased against ancient battle topicals.. seen em done to death. i respect what you did. didnt like the end or superimposed twist. im always guilty of doing that stuff, ironically.

Inno.

Down each class he claims victim after victim a massacre he insists on.
No one is safe and he hasn’t missed with his pistols;
his wrists consistent with extinguishing everyone from existence.
In a blind stupor of rage John lost it all to his ignorance

lol my character was named John this week!!!
good verse. very played. imagery was acceptable.


both of you guys came in w/ verses about where i had expected you to do... surprisingly rare occurrence, seems like one dude's always keying or one's going IN. this was nice and even. cool change. i get to put on my voter hat.

by nature of these two archetypal tales (know thats the wrong word, u know what i mean), one focuses on story and plot progression and one focuses on imagery over events. caught in the moment meets caught in the tide. Innovator did a better job combining details and imagery to build a solid story we've all already seen before. If I wasnt familiar with TD5's story type, I'd be much more lost. Innovator's works better for me on an enjoyment level independently. Mechanically was behind, but it didnt hinder it.


v/ Inno

[Zen]

Topicaldood: Really a fuckin great verse. Really after the first stanza I was hooked. I think you told this story very well while maintaining good mechanics. It read perfectly and I enjoyed the shit out of it haha. Really nothing bad to say man.
Innovator: Still a good verse man it just seemed there was something missing to me story wise. Idk. This storys been done a thousand times before but yet you still made it seem original and with heart but still something was missing to make it special imo. But as for word choice, perfect. Specifically the line saying he's a lost cause. Loved the wording there. Props Inno.

All in all I gotta give my vote to Topicaldood

[Cereal_Killa]

topic:
Man that was a serious epic battle.. Depicted beautifully, gracefully.. from the aligning of troops, to the annitiation of the fight, to the blood soaked ground.. Nice and there stands a wee lil mystic of a man to trick a bunch of meat heads with weapons.. Love it.. Dope your mystic rocked as a character which is my fav part of all the stuff i've read from you.. always you make a sensational character that im like damn it'll be sick to be that character.. Awesome thing to do.. Overall development of the story sweet, butter.. vocab and placement all hot with the structure though simple was swinging.. This was a cool verse mate..

...

LOL i just scrolled back up to read INN's verse n i stopped to read it..n its IAMBENT's vote.. i'm like wtf what a massive arse breakdown.. RESPECT..anywhoot back to my vote

...

INN:
Your structure was pretty damn cool my friend.. the small font to separate the stanzas, sort of like its hook.. dope.. Hey all in all i think the concept is done but what brought this as it's own was the straight edge reality of WHY your character would do something like this.. Your rhyming was nice man, there was one line where the repetition was unneeded.. "the kid drank to drink.." you didnt need the "so he was never sober" in there but it was only one instance n the rest of this ish banged.. Especially this..

Cocked back he spots and tracks his targets like it’s a sport
Brain splatters over chalk and blackboards as he shows no remorse…

pretty cool opening..

My fav bit to me, n im pretty certain you didnt do it intentially like this but i loved that you did it..

"so he blends in with the chairs and his skin resembles the walls"

Man you had me picturing this kid, squating down on the ground in the middle of the classroom.. pretending he was a chair.. No disrespect wat so eva that mental image will make me smile for days..
N the cool bit about it was, that it didnt even take away from the seriousness of your verse.. cause your emotion through out held that together..
nice one mate.. diggin it :)

vote = topicaldood5

This monsters characters are off da chain.. they are oober cool, and always magical in some way which i love that ish.. nice drop by both, this battle was a seriously solid read.. cheers peeps..

[Ink]

TopicalDood5:
I loved the build up and the details in this verse... But I thought the twist was cheesy/funny as hell. I couldn't help but picture a Lord of the Rings-esque scene... "SUDDENLY! There's Gandalf!" Not a bad thing, it just made me laugh. You tackled the topic quite well too, and it wasn't a super obvious approach to it either.

Innovator:
You had some lines standing on their own throughout the verse and they weren't all constructed in a way that allowed your piece to be read smoothly through them. Also some minor grammatical issues...
"He kicks in the doors with 2 44’s one in each hand he implores" a comma or two in there would have helped, for example... The topic itself isn't too original.. I know I've exhausted this type of piece myself.. But that doesn't discredit it. Minus the issues with the standalone lines, it was pretty well executed. I liked how you tosse din some freeverse in italics before the mayhem began..

Vote: TopicalDood5. Both were pretty good, but, as laughable as I thought the twist was, Topical had a fresher approach to the topic and a more solid piece.

[King Ra.]

4-2. More votes.

[Venom]

2 played approaches IMO.. still:

Top5 - rhymes & internals were decent, but not spectaculor.. flow was on point. because the approach was played, you had to force in a cheesy little twist so that it wasn't predictable.. but that in itself was predictable.. the highlights of your verse for me came in the descriptive imagery:

the smoke flows through the psychic's haggard fingers
and hides in the darkened corners where the daggers linger

^ thought that was a great descriptive opening bar

Inno - again, a fairly predictable story.. as soon as I read the first bar I was thinking "damn.. you just ruined it for me", no lie. I think you did a decent job, it was entertaining, it flowed well, the rhymes were decent. there was nothing 'wrong' with the verse, but then nothing really jumped out at me where I was like "that was dope!!" y'know? it all just kinda went along until it finished. and it felt like that because you told me the end at the start..

quite a close battle, fairly enjoyable.. gonna go for the technically superior verse seeing as both takes on the topic were played. vote top5

[Geno]

well.

topical guy
cool verse, had some good mechanics and read fairly clean. im gonna be honest right now -im guessing you along with every other person who centers there verse came from another site. its all good your not from these neck of the woods... but honestly -I FUCKING HATE THAT CENTERED VERSE BULL SHIT.

had a good view, not much into the dungeons and dragons scene myself. ive read this story a million times tbh. not the exact story of coutrse, but a long the exact lines -and tbh, it was done much better by those people prior to you. this type of concept is very blah and played out man. not hating -simply identifying that it may be time to grow up in your verses.

innovator.
honestly, you didnt display as good mechanics as your adversary did. but tbh -this week it was content over mechanics by far. which for me can be very tricky -its hard for me to vote content over mechanics when mechanics are such an important part of my style. but honestly -when the person just doesnt appeal to me at all in a league topical verse... i have to vote for the more enjoyable piece -which was yours when it comes ddown to it.

try working on better settup?deliveries maybe, im dissecting your verse trying to identify why it doesnt read smooth and cant put my finger on the major problem. just seems to have misplaced syllables scattered throughout. its not a lack of rhymes, just a lack of good placement i think. if that makes sense?

vote -innovator

[Juxtaposition]

There were elements from both works that caught my attention.

With Topical... the tone and language from the start fit very well with the idea of the story. I enjoy twist endings, but not for just the sake of it, and you told a fine tale. I really liked the strength of your writing, the alliteration, the way nouns verbs and adjectives were weaved together.

For Inn... I'm comfortable with high language as well as the language of the common man, so to see both in one battle was a treat. I'm not one to be fooled by language, I try to see what's beneath and at the same time the artistry involved in the craft. Your story was more direct with it's narrative, and with that style you are able to hit with single lines of impact like
"Sick with bitterness he becomes a regular patient to his ignorance."
I love wordplay and if it's done creatively and also has a meaning behind it all the better. I think at first glance you hit me with 3 or 4 of those sort of lines.

This was a close battle to me. But in the end... I think Topical got this.

If anyone has watched the Simpson's and Family Guy... this is what it reminded me of. Topical gave me an entire episode... he created atmosphere a theme, a story with an ending, that tweaked my nose a bit.

Inn had some strong one liners that made me pause and appreciate, but the entirety of the verse, added up to less, because of although giving some different angles when it came to metaphors... fundamentally a lot of what Inn did was basic. But basic done strongly, if that makes sense.

Topical was able to deliver something with more value to me. But Inn has talent with his wordplay and story development and ability to be impressive with common language.

[King Ra.]

TOPICALDOOD5 WINS, 6-3.