AOWL Week 7: Split (3-2) vs. IAmBenT (2-1) [IAMBENT WINS, 6-2.]

[Split]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum.

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/30 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 3/31 at 11:59 PST. NO LATER!!!

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.
Voting ends TUESDAY 2/2 at 11:59 PST. (Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUST check in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.


TOPIC: Reality is nothing more than a reflection of an illusion.


Good luck to both participants. Split IamBenT

[IamBenT]

Le CheckIn

Le Votes:

Kuja vs Zen!!! (http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5417-AOWL-Week-7-Kuja-%282-3%29-vs-ZenLand-%283-3%29-OPEN-FOR-VOTES)

TopicalDood vs Innovator (http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5419-AOWL-Week-7-Topicaldood5-%281-0%29-vs-Innovator-%282-4%29-OPEN-FOR-VOTES)!!!

Vinzr vs Que (http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5422-AOWL-Week-7-Vinzr-%283-1%29-vs-Que-%280-0%29-OPEN-FOR-VOTES)!!!

cdm vs ink (http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5424-AOWL-Week-7-c-d-m-%282-4%29-vs-Ink-%282-1%29-OPEN-FOR-VOTES)!!!

CK vs King Keith (http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5416-AOWL-Week-7-Cereal_Killa-%281-0%29-vs-King-Keith-%283-1%29-OPEN-FOR-VOTES)!!!

Vulgar vs Witty (http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5426-AOWL-Week-7-Vulgar-%280-0%29-vs-Witty-%282-2%29-OPEN-FOR-VOTES)!!!

Zygote vs Adonis (http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5415-AOWL-Week-7-Contendership-Zygote-%284-1%29-vs-Adonis-%283-0%29-OPEN-FOR-VOTES)!!!

Frank vs Redglare (http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5414-AOWL-Week-7-Championship-Frank-%285-0%29-vs-Red-glare-%284-1%29-OPEN-FOR-VOTES)!!!

[Split]

Ok

[Split]

I should be down two votes. I think. writing

[IamBenT]

I too am writing, will be posted before I hit the sack

[Split]

With diploma in hand, John walked off the stage.
He'd dreamed of this moment for like eighteen birthdays.
Felt like he could float, school over, childhood finalized-
But it'd be a lie if I described John as close to motivated.
Graduation. Parties commence, life became nights strung together.
Rum and coke, thirty rack, blunt smoke, coke bump, never better.
His girl was mad, lately he'd been too hazy to open up,
crazy, cause he knows she claims to be afraid of blood...

Barely knew her at all, on the verge of breaking up-
The words caught in his throat, the two were truly alone...
In fact, as the four winds took to the small town population
he lost almost a fourth of his friends to academic obligations.
Jogs no longer felt safe, and his porch was empty in summers.
Every sunset, life became more portioned, confined to his wonder.
His city a maze of blurred faces, orphan of consequence-
He and Mikaela fin'lly bought an apartment. Day jobs pay rent,
Bills and entertainment. they loved in the darkness, if only by bed.
Holding his head. Perennial migraines and indigestion.
Couldn't stomach this, gradually dying with temples clenched,
Where was the love? Not even content. Cartoons had painted
adulthood as vibrant, something to dream up as a child.
Developed an out- a vein-pinch penchant for narcotics in vials.
Drunk at the office. Painless. Wouldn't have caught us,
if it wasn't for those fucking middling authorities.
His wife cheated as they grew into their forties.
Divorce was court-ordered, the fall only accelerates,
Possibility of escape, condensed to a notion to swim through.
But freedom held such a different taste through the eye of a needle.


Eyes groggily opened to the sound of his home, twenty years prior.
Ma raking leaves and his dad building a fire. John shivered,
A simmering thought lifted from his shoulders. Colder,
Looking back on his dream saw he'd only managed to grow older.
Renewed, remiss and determined to preserve his fate,
This old soul failed to rise from the dusty sheets in his cage.
An elderly lady struts to his side, with pills, blank expression,
Not a word but a thousand lines and white tresses.
consignment. withdrawal and eternal depression.
A growing pain. Where did my life go?
it had all felt so real, at first...

[IamBenT]

Broken moonlight sleeps on her careless face
Hope tucked tight with a teddy bear embraced
We share this space, with a furnace of stars,
Branding each second with permanent scars
A burdensome charge whose yoke is broken soon…
Choke the room with screams beneath a hopeless moon..

It’s close to noon, and the park is abuzz
Mothers’ hearts are in love with cherubs in the sparkling sun
Emotions roller coaster as she rolls her stroller closer
Each pace a frozen boulder, her face’s pose a folded poster
Inscrutable, dutiful, the spent beautiful of “new mom”
Sits in her usual spot, to flash the cuticles and Vuitton...

“A debutant is what THEY aren’t”, Mother’d say
Chiding and chastising my makeup covered face
Deriding my backsliding and undeveloped frame
Presiding over the hiding of my enveloped rage
Made pretty... for gritty backrooms and black forests
Greedy tattoos on arms that grab sore legs..

“You damn whore! Bet you’ll never guess what he spent, though!”
-The trickster bitches would pretend it wasn’t a rental-
And on and on, blather slathers a façade of calm
The empty pratter of the adders called “The Prada Moms”
And she BELONGED, in a bond with costs beyond the dollars,
To this “mélange” of haughty snobs accessorized with toddlers…

”Never bother father” … “Cross your legs”… “Watch your weight”
I was always slight enough to spread across your plate…
“It’s not your fate…to be, this broken thing…”
An eyeless doll, bald, with a frozen grin... I’d open sin and he’d … grope within
How could you let your baby girl cope with him?
And turn a blind eye, as the lies’ growth begins…

And as he walked up, a strut and cock-sure swagger
His stride met with a sly and obscure laughter
“Why, Hi, Honey! What a surprise visit!”
He took her aside, whispered a blithe “Yeah Hi, listen…”
Told her… the masquerade she portrayed was past played
She shouldn’t parade while their cash evaporates!...

They’ll ask away, gasp and pray, trying to find motives
Another child dead, go ahead and light votives…
One for the master, one for his dame.. One for his little girl he treated as the same…
My screams bleed, feed my husband’s… good wife I
My life, why…doesn’t have to be like… I..

Nighttime, alone, the pills and the vanity..
I see lines, thin quills under canopies,
Where dull orbs rest beneath a creasing horizon
Our daughter walks in… I see, when her eyes wince
The tiny little twinkle of her Grandad’s snicker..
After vittles sprinkled with a bit o’ mad-dash liquor...

I…. Ayyyyy…. I should have killed the little bitch quicker.

[Adonis]

Fuck bros...I just noticed I must not have pressed post and wifey came by and changed page, basically I lost my vote. Will drop again in a few

[Red glare]

split; painted a vivid picture of a mid-life crisis of sorts. a lot of tiny personal touches I really enjoyed. things only you would know; you write in a subliminal way. It is rather poetic and unique and quite interesting I will add. Your rhyme schemes were unorthodox to say the least. This was well written. I'm not sure I would could call it a well written rhyme or rap; but well written in a different sense; I cannot trace my finger over. It did strike me as subtle and cunning. You dropped your schemes off of cliffs; where the void is suppose to be filled; you neglected to. In other areas you rhymed half-heartedly. But it worked.

In fact, as the four winds took to the small town population
he lost almost a fourth of his friends to academic obligations.
Jogs no longer felt safe, and his porch was empty in summers.
Every sunset, life became more portioned, confined to his wonder.
His city a maze of blurred faces, orphan of consequence-
He and Mikaela fin'lly bought an apartment. Day jobs pay rent,
Bills and entertainment. they loved in the darkness, if only by bed.
Holding his head. Perennial migraines and indigestion.
Couldn't stomach this, gradually dying with temples clenched

IAmBent; portrayal of abuse are never pretty; I enjoyed the rich soccer mom aspect of this verse. You wrote from a vulnerable place; not easy to do. You wrote it in such a way I could feel for the character without feeling repulsive. I am seeing a trend of writing from Womans perspectives and I'm not used to reading that. I think you made it work for you. Good rhyming. And you had a great pace. Good line length. Right in the happy zone.

Emotions roller coaster as she rolls her stroller closer

Great line.

You wrote from a melting pot of voices. The dad, the mom, the kid. Very cynical. Favorite Section

My screams bleed, feed my husband’s… good wife I
My life, why…doesn’t have to be like… I..

Nighttime, alone, the pills and the vanity..
I see lines, thin quills under canopies,
Where dull orbs rest beneath a creasing horizon
Our daughter walks in… I see, when her eyes wince
The tiny little twinkle of her Grandad’s snicker..
After vittles sprinkled with a bit o’ mad-dash liquor...

I…. Ayyyyy…. I should have killed the little bitch quicker.

Overall; good battle. two distinctive styles of writing clashing. I liked splits obscurity and liked IAmBents debacle.

v/ IAmBent; close though

[Adonis]

I apologize for leaving one in depth vote for the trash can, and apologize more so for leaving the shortened version.

Split - The one thing I remember from previous vote was how I didn't like the route you took with the topic. It felt like the first thing that popped into my head when reading the topic, literally, a dream in a dream...But I guess it's for the best I lost that vote. I now see the dream is still a dream, but John is either reminiscing or dreaming while a vegetable, most likely the first. Not sure about the "Finalized/motivated" bar, could of made an attempt to have it rhyme I guess. But it was there for character build up which I appreciate so... All in all, a decent verse that I wish would have had more of...

"Developed an out- a vein-pinch penchant for narcotics in vials.
Drunk at the office. Painless. Wouldn't have caught us,
if it wasn't for those fucking middling authorities.
His wife cheated as they grew into their forties.
Divorce was court-ordered, the fall only accelerates,
Possibility of escape, condensed to a notion to swim through.
But freedom held such a different taste through the eye of a needle."

You started getting steam then just stopped...and went into the ending fazes of the verse. Also..."Open up, afraid of blood", Not sure if there is a adjective that fits and trumps ill, but insert.

Bent - "A burdensome charge whose yoke is broken soon… Choke the room with screams beneath a hopeless moon.." Very vivid here, I can see this is shaping up to be a gruesome story which I rather enjoy...I should say I enjoy imagery, and feel gore is the BEST way to drive that force. You did not go that route, but did use imagery to drive your verse. One thing I truly didn't like, the change in character. Not the "father" and mother, but how you started off as either narrative or the child being an infant, then progressed and in the end you were the mom. Not big on so many changes as you were also the voice of the father, too confusing and vague. This verse was a tale of a dead beat father molesting a beautiful seed who then murders the child, and ends with the mothers guilt washing down pills to hide the visions of the child. A decent verse, heavy with rhyme which can hinder the meanings sometimes..."Emotions roller coaster as she rolls her stroller closer..Each pace a frozen boulder, her face’s pose a folded poster" Flows well, but so many words can take place of the flow for meanings sake. Don't get me wrong, I love rhymes more then the next guy, but cohesive is the key. All in all, I rather enjoyed the verse for what it was, never received an underlying meaning, which cheapens it for me, but it was actually a good verse. I might seem critical, but its the good kind, nice read none the less....LOL I can't make shortened votes unless I see the writer not caring with either his votes or verses, dope battle.


vote -bent. Honestly, it was a good battle but not overly close to ME. Bent just over powered with a meaty verse, every line held significance in the grand scheme of things. Where Split had a good verse, but a few mistakes as Bent did as well, but it was short and seemed to muster a full head of steam slowly, and when it finally did build that steam in went to cool down mode if that makes sense. Good showing both, Bent just came with a bit more IMO

[Inno]

split.

this was cool man you had some dope as imagery going and your story was or concept on the topic was dope aswell.
great rhyming through out but i felt like at times it felt scattered...at times it felt like one thought had 2 directions...i dunno
if thatm akes sense..simply put the story wasnt to cohesive..but the mechanics def onpoint son.


bent..oatmeal? lol


this was fire man..the being stanza had a real poetic feel to it..it set the mood off in the right drection for the rest of the story
once the story got going..the vivid descrptions of your character at her surrounding was dope shit man you really captured the
scene and broought it to life..thought that was a real strong point in your piece.


overall

i got bent winning with a stronger verse mechanically and storywise...split had a good concept to be hoenst was digging the direction
but bent did a good job starting off hot and never reeally letting off the gas pedal...bent.

[Cereal_Killa]

split:

'A Premeditated Study on how the Nostalgia Bubble Bursts"

before i read anymore past this line i just watched "the sunset limited, twice in two days.. I'm feeling this is where you're going.. whether you do or not dope title.. I will proceed :)

I knew it, ok as far as stories go it's a whole new story.. nothing connecting to Sunset ltd except the emotions, the feeling of what the fuck have i done with my life.. fading away to the darkness from choices and beliefs your character thought where indestructible.. LOVE and the feeling we WILL amount to something more.. when reality is everyday life is cool but you captured the poor blokes depression in the realization of that fact.. Dope.. Rhythm of this piece was sick as far as it smoothly oozing into line after line.. your rhyming structure not complete in your face n punchy, but worked well for this piece none the less.. cool drop..

BENT:

"Choke the room with screams beneath a hopeless moon.."

shit ease up mate, i cant cry while reading it.. im not in public.. j/ks that was a fucken brutal line

owh ok.. who said you could master all genre's.. arsehole.. seriously though dude this was sick, i've never seen you touch on a topic like this.. man i aint even seen you do serious poetry before.. that shit was IN-sane.. you have a magnificent way with words and your writers voice is a bloody deep and powerful one.. You took this verse and projecting some all out pain, but in a truly graceful and authentic sense..

dope..

vote = iambent

ahh man this guy, this friggin guy.. watch out folks his goin to the top.. great battle between the two of you.. LOOVVVEENN IT..

[Vulgar]

Split Eight - Cool approach to this "is this it?" memoir of an uneventful marriage that eventually expires like so many do in the modern institutions of Societal Life. You have a knack for combing emotional currents into your verse, but on the flipside sometimes it can be a bit bland. I think invigoration is a key recipe missing in your development chamber and when you find it and gouge it out, feel it for what it is and start to utilize it, your pieces focused on human conditions such as loneliness, disappointment and even nostalgia will be much more effective. There was something monotonous to this everyday tale that read as though someone had written it in a hospital lobby, and not the porch of a windy cafe on a dreary day. Too sanitized maybe; homely scents and fixtures might have been preferred, tbh.

IamBent - Skilled writer, you are. This is one of those types of reads that reminds me of watching a movie that I recognize as a quality flick but I didn't completely like it. This one didn't really convince me enough that these characters had motives and the father was portrayed very vaguely, IMO, considering he was the central villain of the whole parenthood situation. The mother was too but I expected more influence from him in the verse. What I mean by it wasn't convincing is that lines like 'A debutant is what THEY aren't' - I don't think I could imagine a mother saying something like this, it's just too strangely worded of a statement. Considering she buys Louis Vuitton merchandise, one can also assume that she doesn't know vocabulary terms like debutant, but rather terms like Kardashian and Gerber apple sauce. Again, this is one of those times where I thought the writing was solid but I felt little connection to the storyboard contents of your work. I read this, went and played a game of basketball, read it again and reached the same opinion on it.

Vote - Split

I liked it more.

[Soulstice]

split - man i liked this. you mixed poetic language with normal description which worked in your favor. the flow was kinda eh but when im really feeling the way a writer tackles a topic i can forgive them for is. im a big fan of nostalgia/time pieces and this was well done. it was paced well and while there were no stand out scenes, i suppose thats that was the point. the downward spiral - the growing void where heart, soul, and family used to be, doesnt reach a crescendo but rather feels number and number the more it bears down on you. and the atmosphere of the piece worked toward this as well. all in all, i liked the way it was constructed, just un-grandiose enough to be real.

iambent - the sinister buildup was well done, and the flow was very fluid. the father wasn't as developed as id liked, similiar to what vulgar said, but the idea was enough for me to fill in the blanks, although a little character development wouldve done wonders. overall, i think that the emotional void split produced trumps oatmeals underlying stepford wives sinistry and flow for me in this battle

v- split

[King Ra.]

4-2. More votes.

[Geno]

split.
grrrrrrr
man, i hate having to vote against you all the time when you display such a dope storyline. but your mechanics always set you way behind when you battle someone with well primed skills.

iambent -you do also, remind me of oatmeal. its a total compliment, no worries

well, thought you came pretty correct here, lucky for you -you are up agaoints a brilliant writer as far as content and storytelling ability goes -but a horrible one as far as hanging with the big dogs mechanically. (sry bro Split). you held your verse down and story down well enough in my eyes to take an easy win. had some really dope standout lines in there and nice settups to lead into them. good verse -ill be peeping, sure your not oats? lol

vote -iambent

[Juxtaposition]

Vote Iambent


Split's story was rough to me. And there were little things that didn't make sense like "He had dreamed of this moment for 18 years"

I don't know about you guys, but when I was 5 years old, I never dreamed about graduating high school.

There were some colorful bursts of language but it jumped forward too much. I think you would have been better served to go for... creating an atmosphere or mood for the topic you chose, like an Edgar Allen Poe work.

And the drug use life, dream ending.. well, I think you can dig deeper.

Iambent although the story itself didn't really draw me in. The skill in the writing cannot be denied.

"To this “mélange” of haughty snobs accessorized with toddlers…"

Lines like this are the difference. The vocabulary and the imagery and just the presentation of the idea and how it relates to his story.

I mean, accessorized with toddlers... that has depth and purpose.

[King Ra.]

IAMBENT WINS, 6-2.