AOWL Week 8: Just Write (0-0) VS. fenix osiris (0-0) [FENIX OSIRIS WINS, 7-0.]

[King Ra.]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SATURDAY 4/6 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 4/7 at 11:59 PST. (There is a 6 hour grace period following the end of the extension deadline. If you fail to post anything by the end of the grace period time, you will be given the no show loss.)

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.
Voting ends TUESDAY 3/9 at 11:59 PST. (Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUST check in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

http://img21.mtime.cn/mg/2010/07/26/210521.27109628.jpg


TOPIC: "You're only wasting your time writing speeches like that. Why worry about the people and their problems? Think of your own." The Devil & Daniel Webster, 1941.


Good luck to both participants. Just Write fenix osiris

[fenix osiris]

check i might need the ext


http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5635-AOWL-CHAMPIONSHIP-MATCH-Frank-(6-0)-VS-zygote-(5-1)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!&p=42975&viewfull=1#post42975

http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5630-AOWL-Week-8-Nigma-(4-1)-VS-Adonis-(3-1)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!&p=42979&viewfull=1#post42979

http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5628-AOWL-Week-8-Ink-(3-1)-VS-Vulgar-(1-0)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!&p=43696&viewfull=1#post43696

http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5629-AOWL-Week-8-Witty-(3-2)-VS-Cereal_Killa-(1-1)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!&p=43704&viewfull=1#post43704

[Just Write]

dude.. u still have three days lol.. already granted though.. gl

[Just Write]

and the fuck kinda topic is this? lol

[fenix osiris]

Angels and Demons
by trajik

my name is gary, but my last name is unnecessary
always been fairly close with my family, but still unmarried
a military vet, but now gambling is my adversary
i've buried myself in addiction, it's very scary
getting in hairy situations, i've survived but barely
to the contrary of my second statement - it's a rare scene:
thieving monetary worth - thoughts my desperation carries
in my library of memories, from glad to sad, they vary
but this is the first time i've made my loved ones secondary
must be temporary though, amendments are later, it tears me
through my heart - simulating a coronary, in my family
heart disease is hereditary, but that's arbitrary
suddenly the air in this area feels like february
baffled, stupefied, i can't find the right word in the dictionary
but i'm scared seeing these figures i assume are imaginary
they're seated by my sides, i hear them saying "listen gary..."

first to speak was an angel to my left, this is what he preached
you're being entangled in peril, change your path, this i beseech
view things from your family's angle, how will your actions be received
your own behavior has a stranglehold, so exhale and breathe deep
envisioning a triangle where others pay for your misdeeds
this will mangle other's perceptions of you, revoking relief
deserving your ankles chained together, with shoeless unclean feet
hung facedown to dangle but that's against my passive beliefs
they've been so kind, they've kept you from living in these streets
you retreated home, deceiving them, you need to be redeemed

before he could finish speaking, there'd be an interruption
by the devil shrieking, i'm sorry for your thought's disruption
wait, wasn't thinking, no i'm not! it was time for me to punch in
the only thing you're achieving with your speech is time consumption
your plan's wreaking of incompetence, i'm certain of malfunction
gary, sneaking around seeking money to feed your dysfunction
i can't see this scheme sinking, as long as you have the gumption
your function in life is empowerment of self, that's my assumption
now standing upon a fork in the road or reverse junction
will you be tweaking your intentions based on our discussion
or keeping direction? surely i'm enticing with seduction
you'll be fighting off concussions, consider the repercussion
of honesty: provoking your family's heart beats of percussion
they'll be infuriated, just persist in your deception

still pondering if it was what they said, or that i heard it
i'm wandering streets alone, realizing i'm a burden
dishonoring my loved ones, revision is needed for certain
i could discover religion or even plea for a purpose
a rescission is best for my toxic emissions, i'm worthless
remission for this disease before my life has to be purchased
my life will improve, like berlin, after tearing down the curtain
so i sit, reminiscing the genesis of this bad person

[Just Write]

that was a great verse man im sorry about this but i was just too busy to finish in time.. i did start tjough, heres what i got

when i sit down to jot thoughts i get lost in the fiction,
caught up in diction to convey a proper description.
but why try when translation gets botched in a sentence?
this is suppose to be an outlet to talk about our problems; afflictions
ive opted for missions, night vision goggles that glisten
red dots in iraq where i displayed such awesome precision
pray to god every day that i'd just be offered forgiveness
(little did i know he didnt even offer existence)
i got a daughter thats physically incapable of laughing or talking
it saddens my heart every single day that i walk in
and see her face in her bed, my little autistic princess
i pause for a minute.. n wonder if she pays for the sins ive commited




gl man and sorry again for the no show

[Split]

OPEN FOR VOTES

[IamBenT]

Welcome to the League of Shadows, Gentlemen!

Fenix - First some quotes:

my name is gary, but my last name is unnecessary
always been fairly close with my family, but still unmarried

- Gary Unmarried?? LOL wasn't that a tv show??

hrough my heart - simulating a coronary, in my family
heart disease is hereditary, but that's arbitrary
suddenly the air in this area feels like february
baffled, stupefied, i can't find the right word in the dictionary

- Fantastic here, everything just really picks up

Wasnt feeling the whole -tion/-sion section for the devil, would have liked more variety in the rhyming pattern.

still pondering if it was what they said, or that i heard it
i'm wandering streets alone, realizing i'm a burden
dishonoring my loved ones, revision is needed for certain

-Great stuff as well

Yo, the verse on a whole is very well crafted. You are a pro at structuring a narrative and telling us, detail by detail, step by step, leading us where you want us to go, which I find an impressive skill when coupled with having to use internal and end rhyme! So i liked that. I liked your take on the topic, even though it felt a bit basic, and I'm not sure how I feel about leaving the ending rather open-ended (I mean who is he gonna listen to after all? Angel or Devil!?!?) I like open-ended conclusions but usually when done right, I'm not sure the stakes were high enough in this battle for his choice to be as climactic as I would have liked. There was more hot fire I could have quoted, your use of short, punch rhymes in the bars really kept me reading and interested throughout, love to see what you do with an even longer verse.

JustWrite- Damn, this looked like the makings of a hot verse with plenty of nuance and a tear-jerker story waiting to happen, or perhaps a TWIST?? I'm a sucker for a good surprise. Unfortunately, a few bars does not make a great battle verse against a well-wrought tale from your opponent. But if I were you, for fun, I would develop this, cuz it started off dope.

Vote -Fenix Osiris of this shit right now..

[Zen]

Fenix: Good showing. You had a nice little story that you progressed through very well and in each stanza you maintained one rhyme scheme which was pretty dope. Props on that. I don't know if I'm that impressed with the story as much as I am with the details and that's in no way a diss I'm just saying you described the shit out of everything haha. Nice first week showing man.
Just Write: Well man I think if you would've had more time you could've had a great verse because what you have there is a nice opening and who knows where it could've gone from there. If you do finish it post it in the OM and I'd for sure read it. Welcome to the league.

All in all I gotta give this to fenix.

[Split]

Trajik takes this easy because he had a complete verse. I enjoyed coming to a conclusion on his where I didn't like JW's cliffhanger.

Trajik. I like when you include slant rhymes. Lyrically sound as always. Good story. Not a lot of awkward wording.

JW. good start. Autistic princess/ pause for a minute was clutch. Looking forward to a developed drop. Good use of assonance within lines

[Aesthetic]

fenix osiris

You told a story of sadness man; I was really hoping for an ending that like snapped the whip. Instead it ended like how it started; personally I dont like that but still a good ending none the less.

Just Write

Mad potential in that; you did better then me and I dropped like 61 or something lol.

V/Fenix

[Red glare]

Fenix; Endless onslaught. A forward march of malay. Very unrelenting piece. Every stanza was a demonstrative display of will power. With so many continuous themes in one piece; it becomes very difficult to bring any seriousness to it. You did somehow.
Just Write; ''Endless vision goggles that glisten; red dots in iraq' Dope line. Good aggressive flow for such a sad piece. If there was a 12 line limit - you'd win. I look forward to reading the rest of this piece in the open mic forum.
V/ Osiris

[Ink]

fenix: I enjoyed the story overall, but there were a few things that kinda bothered me when i dug in, but there were mostly very subjective annoyances that really have too much merit... case in point, when people use the work "hairy" to describe a situation... gahh.. The biggest issue I found here, is just that the wording felt off in some areas.. it was humorous, but probably not the effect you wanted to go for. and since apparently you're against a no-show verse.. i'm going to nitpick more. don't mind me being an ass.. i do it cause i care

ie:
"my name is gary, but my last name is unnecessary"
your name is Gary, cool. BUT your last name is unnecessary?...
Sup, man. I'm Ink. But my last name is unnecessary. that "but" just makes me cock an eyebrow.. the line would have made more sense without it..
"always been fairly close with my family, but still unmarried"
I'm not quite sure how being close to your family would cause one to think you're married... your use of "but" here is problematic in the same way it was in the first line..
"first to speak was an angel to my left, this is what he preached
you're being entangled in peril, change your path, this i beseech"
This line just reeks of "beseech rhymed with preached.. so I used it" to me... but we all do it, I know I do from time to time..
That second to last stanza... those end rhymes... I'm not against "ion" rhymes, or rhyming the same for every line for a stanza.. it can be very effective and powerful.. but it didn't feel that way this time around.. it just felt a bit overdone.
You do know how to write off rhymes well though, always a fan of that.
You are good at writing the big picture. The overall story and general progression of the piece was great. But when I really inspect the lines and the wording, I find issues like the ones I mentioned about that make this piece good, but not amazing.

Just Write:
"pray to god every day that i'd just be offered forgiveness
(little did i know he didnt even offer existence)"
I thought that was dope. Sucks that you didn't have the time to finish this up, it looked like the start of something great.

Vote: fenix osiris. A fully developed and fleshed out verse vs. a no-show verse makes for an easy decision..

[patrown]

fenix- welp. i did feel like some rhymes, primarily end rhymes, were forced. i give you props for working in the multiples.. honestly, it looks like it took a lot of thought to make it coherent.
that's the only thing i have to criticize. the rest of your piece is solid mechanics wise.
i can relate to your hero.. i mean, that's me in a nutshell at times. i have a purpose, yet.. am a burden. it's a trip how it makes sense to me. to be a worthless piece of shit and serve a purpose is a bitch in and of itself..

justwrite- well. i commend you for your honesty here. i've hoped to write a verse or two or three that matched yours in honesty but couldn't really bring myself to bare all like this. if in fact this is made up, i'm truly surprised- feels to real to be fictional.

/v fenix- overall, more developed. that's all i can say at this point before the voting deadline.

[King Ra.]

FENIX OSIRIS WINS, 7-0.