AOWL Week 8: Aesthetic (0-2) VS. Objective (1-2) [OBJECTIVE WINS, 6-3.]

[King Ra.]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SATURDAY 4/6 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 4/7 at 11:59 PST. (There is a 6 hour grace period following the end of the extension deadline. If you fail to post anything by the end of the grace period time, you will be given the no show loss.)

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.
Voting ends TUESDAY 3/9 at 11:59 PST. (Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUST check in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

http://newamericantheatre.com/ineversangformyfatherpostcard.jpg


TOPIC: "Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship, which struggles on in the survivor's mind toward some resolution which it may never find." I Never Sang For My Father, 1971.



Good luck to both participants. Objective Aesthetic

[Aesthetic]

Yo lets do 64 lines?
Dope topic, is it a good movie? Plot seems edgy due too the "boring movie" feel; but im on it nonetheless

Heres some links for you Objective; the video doesn't exist on the Internet I guess lol

http://www.backstage.com/review/ny-theater/off-broadway/i-never-sang-for-my-father/

https://sites.google.com/site/thelifeandtimesofsamelisco/current-me/i-never-sang-for-my-father

http://www.theepochtimes.com/n2/arts-entertainment/theater-review-i-never-sang-for-my-father-33003.html

[Objective]

Check.
Aesthetic: 64 lines might be a bit too much for me, but go ahead if you want to. :) The reason is that I'm still caught up with the flu. I've been having fever and on/off headaches for a few days now, doubt it'll get any better by tomorrow. I sincerely do not wish to no-show, but there's a slight chance I might if the headaches wont go away or I'm too tired to write anything. Just thought I'd let you know in advance. Definately a dope topic tho' and thanks for the links!

Votes:
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5629-AOWL-Week-8-Witty-%283-2%29-VS-Cereal_Killa-%281-1%29-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5628-AOWL-Week-8-Ink-%283-1%29-VS-Vulgar-%281-0%29-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5630-AOWL-Week-8-Nigma-%284-1%29-VS-Adonis-%283-1%29-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5635-AOWL-CHAMPIONSHIP-MATCH-Frank-%286-0%29-VS-zygote-%285-1%29-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!

[Aesthetic]

Id rather have a draw then a no show win.. King Keith ?

Sorry about the flu man, I had pneumonia and bronchitis not too long ago was pretty worried about dying lol Got some mean ass syrup though!
Get better; goodluck!

[Aesthetic]

I need an extension

[Objective]

I came in her to ask for an extension until tomorrow as well, so ext granted Aes.

And WTF @ pneumonia and bronchitis, that's some fucked up shit.

[Objective]

Her father produced a misfortunate mind able to seduce and shine
tables with gents for crime in atmospheres consumed by wine.
Her presence; the essence of love and passion combined,
heaven couldn't define how her voice became so sweet and devine.
(It had to be heard.)
Moist when needed and kind for demons before angels was sacred,
a choice she made in Heden where flames engulfed all of her hatred.
(Her life was absurd.)

Czechoslovakia, '41,

the story gives me shivers,
her sobbing combined could recreate egyptian rivers.
She was born in the source of cold sweat and fears,
a childhood of evil force, abuse and endless tears.
How her daddy woke her up in her early years,
to share her innocence with respected peers.
nazis, czechs and mobsters side by side,
laughed, drinked and fucked her far and wide.
Even Kurt Daluege was there to ''try'' the whore,
her father had the best parties in the time of war.
All she did during the day was to sing in her room,
the sorrow in her voice whispered of torture and doom.
At fourteen she decided to accept her fate,
kept singing and hoped it would be her escape.

1971,

thirty years had passed and the war is over,
no more jews gets gassed, but her abuse was covered.
No-one knew her fate except her useless mother,
now the posters tease dudes that used to fuck her.
You can see her fathers shoes untied on the cover-art,
she escaped to the states at twenty, now she shares a lovers heart.
Her father died by cancer a few years ago,
it gave her peace, but not enough to grow.
Her mental health is healing incredibly slow,
so she figured it might be time to let some of it go.
She wrote a musical of her life and cried heavily after,
got a friend to pretend he wrote it and named it;
''I never sang for my father.''

[Aesthetic]

I recall beauty from the days that have passed.
Her presence was needed and work never surpassed.
Almost as if a stranger yet I see her without a day too pass.
I forget the name of her voice because of my frugal tongue.
But it's because shes a nurse, one that fights too get hung.
A quote she made softly one day, "for my father; I never sung."
But the man is dead so her battle lives on.
Living mornings too see days dawn.

I wait patiently; pausing at each moment the floor echoes.
Hoping for her presence too grace my essence.
So that I may move on receiving only benevolence.
She temps insolence, proving too be careless.
But my temperance has a temper and anger in the fairest.
I simply tell her what too do, its her job; its honest.
She delivers remembrance of short conversation.
As if when I talk, she idles me without observation.
A perfect response every-time as if the past meets gentrification.
A future viewer? No, perhaps it's just job dedication.

Im tended too my needs proof of my accomplishments.
Provided a room, food, health and every acknowledgment.
A plentiful of servants, useless at astonishment..
But she is productive; I can vent frustration.
Though feeling as a dictation I only vacant fiction.
I have shame; but I am not worried of confliction.
Never a conviction and only lived in highest of condition.
Why would god strike me down, I have done good; the definition.

Every-night my legs are lifted from chair too bed.
Only too be greeted by thoughts of wanting too meet death.
I am fed thought strings on my own appreciation.
Looking out the window, seeking external mediation.
But it is only by that of silence by my nurses medication.
I try and spark conversation hoping for admiration.
only too see broken aspirations and complication.
"A retirement home, I understand" spoken out loud I gasp as she starts too sob.
Rather making direct contact with my eyes playing broken tunes.
And she delicately presses emotions over mine.
Telling me strange attachments when she's payed to over my mind.
So I tell her...
Please, don't mind; your efforts are for money rather mine.
You wouldn't be here without a paycheck; too me this is a fine.
And she sighs death as my legs are lifted too the bedsides, and wipes her

tears with dry eyes.
The door cracks and before she leave my vision.
Goodnight I tell her; and I could have sworn I heard "I love you."


The door closes and in that instant I recall the crack.
Of everyday she entered and double backed.
I push myself out of bed and crawl feebly into my chair.
I'm ensnared I must see her before i collapse in despair.
Just as I exit the building she nearly opens her car door.
I am succumbed too gravity as a curb sees feeling too floor.
Laying hopeless and defeated I crawl on the asphalt.
She opens her car door and I give a final breath of chance.
A defeated yell blank that no feeling could surpass.
My head gives weight and crashes too the concrete.
Before death is in my wake I hear footsteps not a light.
Im cradled in the enjoying embrace of the one that shares love.
I look beyond the eyes and see a reflection.
Not a question but answer I would like too address.
My last words on this planet were a plea not a confess.

"I remember."

She looks back,

"Ill remember, the days; you sang for me."

I leave my body as an admitted narcissist;
Knowing an Alzheimer patient requires patience; sometimes a lie.
Because only because of it, I am redeemed unto the sky.


Happy birthday guys, getting fucked up tomorrow!
1 of the reasons for a late show, on molly and brew for about 3 days now.
Objective yeeee! lol some sketch shit if I had waited 1 more day I woulda been in the emergency room on some bubble shit...

King Keith 3/9 is the voting deadline or 4/9?

[Split]

King Keith 3/9 is the voting deadline or 4/9?
3/9 smartass

[Aesthetic]

3/9 smartass

Aight; beef is on.
Adonis

Not defending my shit in that way but
Im fucking so bad at punctuation I gotta like spellcheck my shit too lol Thanks though; Definitely gonna keep an eye on word choice and try and be poetic rather then conceptual?

[Adonis]

OB - Opening stanza was dope conceptually, but I'm unsure of the parenthesis rhyme, I think a change in rhyme/thought process could have made the rhyme and meaning connect much better. In other words not a fan of wording. "combined" with what? but I like the concept of filling rivers with tears, potential of silky butter per wordings sake. "How her daddy woke her up in her early years, to share her innocence with respected peers." Vivid and dope phrasing.imagery,. good writing stylistically. Thus far rhyme scheme is a bit simple...I.E "Fate/escape, room and doom". thinking of multies would cure this ye the lines are vital for character/story build up.

Aes - So...I will highlight a wording eye sore..."Telling me strange attachments when she's payed to over my mind"...leading up to this as well as the aftermath this is merely one example of poor word choice. IDK bro, some poor word/scheme choices..."And she sighs death as my legs are lifted too the bedsides, and wipes her tears with dry eyes." disrupeted too much flow and made it hard to read. it is a good line, but the way you broke it down and split in just took soo much away from my readings enjoyment.


All in all it was a decent battle I suppose. Two intelligent writers who can master the flow, yet on fell short and the other fell extremely short, Vote: Objective

[IamBenT]

Nice battle, Fellas!!

Objective - Some Quotes:

Her father produced a misfortunate mind able to seduce and shine
tables with gents for crime in atmospheres consumed by wine.
Her presence; the essence of love and passion combined,
heaven couldn't define how her voice became so sweet and devine.
(It had to be heard.)
Moist when needed and kind for demons before angels was sacred,
a choice she made in Heden where flames engulfed all of her hatred.
(Her life was absurd.)

-This whole beginning was fire, my dood

Overall, just a very emotional story but lacking tension in parts for me to really be drawn in. Your flow and scheme are solid but a bit mechanical, good attention to detail but a few of the places in the verse could use a re-read for rhyme's sake. I liked the story, but would have liked to know more about her healing process and how the "relationship" for the survivor still struggles on.

Aesthetic -Every-night my legs are lifted from chair too bed.
Only too be greeted by thoughts of wanting too meet death.
I am fed thought strings on my own appreciation.
Looking out the window, seeking external mediation.

This was pretty good here

I push myself out of bed and crawl feebly into my chair.
I'm ensnared I must see her before i collapse in despair.
Just as I exit the building she nearly opens her car door.
I am succumbed too gravity as a curb sees feeling too floor.

This too was pretty good

But all in all much of this was a clunky read for me. I had trouble grounding this verse and following it well.
Seemed muddy and unclear as to where you were going throughout. Just a hard read my man

Vote -Objective for a more polished and engaging verse

[Frank]

Objective - Simply put; a shell shocker. Easy language that painted a hard time. Very good writing I thought it was. Emotional. You spoke as if you were a member of this horrible family; like a fly on the wall.

Aesthetic - You are a natural story teller. You are a conversationist. This was just a conversation. You were just talking; ocassionally rhyming; but mostly just talking. Could be a new style.

MVGT Objective; depressing battle overall

[Juxtaposition]

Both of you guys came up with some creative approaches to the topic.

I think Aes actually had a more compelling overall idea for a story, while OBJ went with the emotional atrocity route.

OBJ -

(Her life was absurd.)

That really bothered me. Absurd is like asking for rocky road colored marker so you can wash the dishes.

Absurd to me.. is not being repeatedly being gang raped at your fathers whims. That's sadistic and evil...

So for you to use that word right before you go into the story.. made everything to come after, like you were bastardizing this character...

You used her like her father.

A story of such depravity I wondered if it were true. So I looked up the movie... and it's nothing like your story. All I can say it was well written and horrible. Your writing is very polished rhyme schemes and flow smooth.

I think you cheated though. Sort of just wrote a story of "See how awful this is that happened" and then went to the conclusion.

You left out the middle, how the girl escaped, was singing the key? What about the mom, did she finally just have enough and help her daughter escape? How does the girl know her dad died?

See what I mean, you didn't really give us a story, just a situation, with strong technique and effortless rhyming.

What you gave though was well crafted.

AES-
Where OBJ told us what happened to the Girl in his story..

You showed us what happened to the man. And for that reason I felt more of a connection to the character. And I sympathized with his plight, of growing old, losing your faculties not being able to care for yourself, sitting there waiting for echoes. It's really sad.

I felt you had 2 strong stanza's, the others were hard to digest because of some odd wording choices, or missing a word, or where you were controlled by the rhyme instead of using the rhyme to create your story.

And now your rhymes... man they are boring for the most part! tion with tion with tion with tion lol... I don't think your vocabulary is the problem, I just think the being pressed for time just made you take the easiest route to convey what you had to to keep the story moving.

But as far as story development goes, you accomplished it. It really had all the right ingredients to produce that ending.

You earned that finish, with your set up.

And although the food you're serving has some funky flavor, maybe some pieces of fat that I bite into unexpectedly, or the noodles are overcooked... in the end it tasted good.

"Laying hopeless and defeated I crawl on the asphalt.
She opens her car door and I give a final breath of chance.
A defeated yell blank that no feeling could surpass.
My head gives weight and crashes too the concrete.
Before death is in my wake I hear footsteps not a light.
Im cradled in the enjoying embrace of the one that shares love.
I look beyond the eyes and see a reflection.
Not a question but answer I would like too address.
My last words on this planet were a plea not a confess.

"I remember."

She looks back,

"Ill remember, the days; you sang for me."

I leave my body as an admitted narcissist;
Knowing an Alzheimer patient requires patience; sometimes a lie.
Because only because of it, I am redeemed unto the sky."

That was a flash of genius as it relates to the topic. I see that character... using all his feeble power to catch one last glimpse of someone he loved, and he did. =( ....


Vote - AES

[Split]

Aesthetic. Stop freeposting. Anyways, I like ur concept. The wording and diction were mad lost on me this week. It just didnt come together as a whole, esp considering past verses. Ill quote things tmrw. Also mechanically undaring.

Obj. Not the most elegant plot arc. Smoother mechanics. Enjoyed how u framed the story in that era. I like ur developed works this felt rushed. Some cool quotes

Got Objective winning

[Inno]

ithis came down to preference tbh..i really cant find anythign wrong with either verse aside fro msa few
grammar error and puntuation from both Objective ...felt ike you used to many commas and in some places it felt you didnt need them. thats pretty much it from your side of it. mad the development of the story a bit rough)..so its not like either had an advantage in that aspect of the battle
so i just regarded it as a tie there..both showcased some outstanding word use and rhyming ability..seemed like
each approach the topic i na similiar fashion which made this an interesting read from both...cool to see to different
voices for the same mouth lol. anyway.

for me ama go with AEs on this one i thought his concept was cool..and i thought his skills did enough for him to take this
win..barely tho...tbh i could vote either way..but once i re read each verse..AES verse stuck with me a bit more so im going for him
great battle.

[King Ra.]

4-2. More votes. :)

[Pent uP]

Im just posting here to let mods know im hitting this and not to close it..

FIRST OF ALL FUCK YOU GUYS FOR GETTING THIS TOPIC..TOTW!

Objective -- I think its because this topic got me so worked up but to be honest I absolutely hated that you hit the pic more than quote. That quote is all I can think about really, its so powerful and has so many dimensions to touch on. oh well. Your verse was kind of quick and dirty. I feel like you just had this idea and you laid it on us and that was it. I dont feel like your idea went into DEPTH. This was just a scratch on the surface if you ask me - it was like u plotted out a course for these characters and then all you did was...rhyme that plot and not actually give it the details it needed to be powerful. I dont know. well i do but...i dont want to sound any pickier....

Aes -- I think you have the exact opposite problem as Objective, which is kinda funny to me that u 2 got pinned together. First I'd like to say work on your grammar, it sucks. Secondly I'd like to say that you used WAY to many bars for that concept. Thirdly I'd like to say - nice twist. The overall verse was kind of hard to read because of the awkward wording/grammar/and off beat lines. I think against a more polished writer you'd have a hard time winning but the concept was definitely there enough to make an impact. It was kind of foreseeable but at least you're thinking the right way I guess. I'm bummed you also didn't really tackle the quote, though in a way you did - and I think thats where most of my love comes from for this verse. You need to work on structuring, rhyming, grammar and saying more in less space but youve got a great foundation.

Vote -- Aes for having a well executed concept

[Ink]

Objective:
I liked your "share her innocence" line. I though it was a decent piece until the last stanza.. There it just really felt like you wanted to close the verse off and be done with it.. the story in that stanza, the sentence structure... it was all of noticeably lesser quality than the previous stanzas. The story itself was one that's been told before, but you did add enough to give it a unique flavor. There wasn't anything in your verse that I particularly thought hurt the piece, but I do think the piece in general could have used more... more of anything really to take it to the next level..

Aesthetic:
"Almost as if a stranger yet I see her without a day too pass"
It should be "to" not "too"... I know it's minor, but it still matters
In fact, you make that typo alot.. like you decided "fuck it, I don't know when to use which one, so I'm gonna use 'too' every time"..
My big thing with mistakes like that is... it hurts any significance you might put into words.. for example, if you intentionally used "too" in a line because it actually meant something.. that would be completely lost on me, because as I'm reading I'm thinking you're just making typos... If someone that I know has their grammar and shit down uses "too" instead... I might pause and consider why that's there and what the significance of that is..
You had good ideas in this story, but your execution hurt it alot..
"A defeated yell blank that no feeling could surpass."
In order to convey the meaning you actually intend, this line needed commas. Even so.. a defeated yell blank... You could have flipped that in a way that made more sense..
Next time I think it'd do you alot of good to slow down and start with the basics.. maybe outline your verse so you know how much "ground" you have to cover.. and then work on ironing out those lines so that they make sense..

Vote: Objective. As a total package, he had a more solid verse

[patrown]

/v objective - this line threw me off a bit. the story gives me shivers,the first stanza had a chorus like punch to it, i enjoyed that tone. second stanza didn't feel like it brought me into the third one as much as i could have hoped for. not so much a progression issue with what was there, as much as a time lapse i wondered about.
however, as a whole, you did a very good job on the topic. you may have skipped a bit, but i could empathize with your character, wasn't distracted by mechanics at all and there were some good rhymes. i was comfortable with the story as a whole at the end more, giving you my vote today.

aesthetic - you did a good job of setting a tone of despair. not sure what happened in the end.. the patient tried to follow the hospice worker, perhaps fell and died with a knock on the head? not sure.
the scenes were taken down a notch by an abundance of pronouns. i, me, she.. etc.
"______," gasped.. i would normally think the main character said something in a gasp, and anything after gasped would most likely be taken as a reaction from a bystander. she's and i's .. give a distant feel to me as the reader, i was more worried about who was saying it than what was being said. hope that makes sense......
only too see broken aspirations and complication.
"A retirement home, I understand" spoken out loud I gasp as she starts too sob.
right there could have used a little work to help the verses flow. long sets of recurring end rhymes are hard to follow though. my best advice would be to make less observations of the character,than letting that character tell the story through actions, thoughts, or speech. i wasn't really sure what happened in the end.. and with a little bit of editing for coherence, your story would've had a stronger impact. more inner rhyme would have helped too.

[King Ra.]

OBJECTIVE WINS, 6-3.