AOWL Week 8: Witty (2-3) VS. Cereal_Killa (1-1) [CEREAL_KILLA WINS, 6-3.]

[King Ra.]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SATURDAY 4/6 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 4/7 at 11:59 PST. (There is a 6 hour grace period following the end of the extension deadline. If you fail to post anything by the end of the grace period time, you will be given the no show loss.)

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.
Voting ends TUESDAY 3/9 at 11:59 PST. (Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUST check in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

http://barisyilmaz.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/goodfellas-poster-c10292193.jpeg?w=497


TOPIC: "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. To me, being a gangster was better than being President of the United States." The Goodfellas, 1990.


Good luck to both participants. Witty Cereal_Killa

[Cereal_Killa]

why hello kind sir..

http://gifs.gifbin.com/122010/1291664255_obama-kiks-door-open.gif
..
I kick'in the door, waven the fo fo

[Witty]

Lmao...sup man.

[Witty]

I need an ext if it is cool with you, I promise I will show.

[Cereal_Killa]

Symbolization

A gangster knows the true meaning of life and death, hurt n release
As the attitudes from several ages saw women’s arousal in terms of disease
Please
Take your seat

..
He graces his fingers across my thighs, brushing my senses on fire
Light rays of frayed desire break to align as my flesh perspires
Nervous, nerves of steel to shield but with a will I wield on purpose
Strong, a battle field of love or lust.. Uncertainty feels so worthless
Hurting before insertion, but too young to know any better
He gropes in pleasure, wetter yet aware of the scarlet’s letter
He kisses me, I’m eased releasing in a sea of my endeavors
Measuring the man.. not his physic but by how he guarantees “forever”
Infinite promises of promised-land, dreams in which their fulfilled
A scenic scene of cosimc colours schemes that seem so real
Perfect placement with his urging tips as my fingers link to embrace it
Racing membranes, face to waist with his tongue untamed.. I taste it
Changing pace, a mild percussion, a slow bass with violins
A soft ballad of balance builds right as I’m hit by the choirs hymn
A violent spring of vibrant pinks that quiver from out my lips
The sound so fierce it pierces skin, deep beneath his hips
My lids are closed but my hearts exposed within the trust he clutches
Dominance rushes, my wrists are restrained before my cheeks stop blushing
Wait! I proclaim in vane yet he unbuckles his belt and starts thrusting
Crushing, blow for blow even though my vagina shrinks he keeps fronting
Face fucking me; sight glued to any all signs of the truth festering
That I am scared, that I feel weak, that I seem less deserving
I bite down, I bleed as I have screamed NO so many times its faded
Jaded, lying in a pool of secretions trying to survive its bathing
He unleashes
Baby, look I just don’t know what got into my
My pride internally whispers
I couldn’t have fought harder to protect my virginity
..

I’m destined to create or to be raped by the common man
A pure black rage or the elements needed for this land
My infection is a label.. stamped with frailty and delivered in spite
My name is Vesica Pisces and even as a “WOMAN” I live for Wuthering Heights..
I am often misrepresented by an archaic rapture for tortured minds
“The day I became a WOMAN” derives from mans shame.. in female pride
I am dignified past this label
As I,
I am LIFE
are you?
..


BLACK = DEATH

[Witty]

There once was a kid inside of me, who was sick of this society
Swore he'd never be convinced to live a lie, but see
Imprisoned minds are twisted just to sit compliantly
So now I'm living violently.

I clutch the gun from my waist, to put this chump in his place
His heart beating like he's running a race, fuckin' disgrace
He lives with nothing but hate, this punk is a fake
I put it under his face, just to see him crumble and flake
When I hit his nose, the bridge explodes and snaps in two
A red river flows, this bitch exposed...I tell him to listen close
"Tell every man and bitch you know I'm the king of this shit, you hoe
...Or I'll be back for you"

This isn't poetry, this is a tale of an old disease
This jail is so cold it seems hell is in over-freeze
Every broken piece of myself is holding me
For ransom, I need closure so my soul can breathe
But power's a drug and I can't get over the potency

I grin as the cigarette touches his cheek, and his screams echo
He's had a troubling week, no money for me...he's struggling, weak
I keep it coming, it's bleak...then hear this scum as he squeaks
"Please let go"
I fiend for death though, there's an evil demon beneath my skin
Seething in grief and sin, I'm just feeding the beast within
I don't know anything else, other than how to hurt other men
I'm church, before my gun squirts, come repent
Ego and pride mixes with ignorance, ambivalence
Nothing frivolous, I'm infamous...my villainous ways are limitless
When my pistol has sprayed, I'm fittin' to play with diligence
The imminent flames simmer like stimulants to a meticulous brain
This kid is a stain, I'm about to rip him and claim his life
It's simple as cake, I'm fit and I'm trained to fight
I throw a fist at his face, and see it ripple with pain
Delight flows like a river, I deliver his fate tonight
I see him cry and weep, nobody dies in peace
The fifth bullet leaves his head ruined
With a pool of blood so high and deep
Police will have to swim through it to get to him

When I'm alone at night, I hear their final pleas
They spiral in my mind, I see my face smile, and squeeze
I cry, feeling my mind release everything I hide from me
I can't anymore...I have no strength and no time to flee
It's time for me to know how it feels to die for free
Raising the weapon to my head, I pause one last time
And breathe...
I wasn't raised a killer, I just became scum
My Daddy used to warn me, he used to say
"Son, you live by the gun, you die by the gun"

I just didn't know he meant the same one.

[Split]

So since CK posted a no-show verse, this is gonna stay closed for votes til after he edits or until 11:59 PST

[Witty]

Coo' Coo'

[Split]

OPEN FOR VOTES BUMP

[fenix osiris]

first - wow this was an emotionally powerful piece. it was compelling to read on, it had enjoyable diction and strong imagery. the flow was smooth, and i enjoyed the rhyme scheme through out, no complaints there - there seemed to be few multis, but many internals throughout with a good use of assonance. whether it was supposed to be a twist or i just didn't catch on, but i enjoyed the fact that i originally perceived the piece to be just about a sexual experience, then i thought the boyfriend or husband just went on longer and rougher than she hoped. and then it all came together and suddenly i felt great empathy for the character in this piece. great work. your writing reminds me of another writer i know, but i hadn't seen their writing in a while to match the styles to be able to guess whether you're the same person or not.

second - ""Tell every man and bitch you know I'm the king of this shit, you hoe
...Or I'll be back for you"" - this line made me laugh and shake my head. "Ego and pride mixes with ignorance, ambivalence
Nothing frivolous, I'm infamous...my villainous ways are limitless" this line was fucking dope. overall i thought this was cool, you had a cool story, and illustrated it well with strong imagery. there great usage of multis throughout the piece. it flowed really well as a result. i found the ending to be 'meh' and nothing about this piece other than some of the multis really gave me a wow factor.

vote - if this was closer, the first verse would have depended on the actual writer of the piece. if this was written by a woman, this piece was really good, but if a man wrote this, and got himself into the mind set to write this piece, it would have been far more impressive. but the battle wasn't close enough for me to have to take that into consideration. i was considering if it happened, my vote would say "if the first verse was written by a dude, then vote that guy" lol.

first piece

[Red glare]

C.K. Nothing more gangster then pink mate. That reminds me of the Legend Of The Term Paper. Have you heard the story? A teacher asks her classroom of 40 or so students to define the word Courage. One student writes about standing up to a bully; getting beat down and getting back up again. Another student writes about a lioness; Her feminine strength inside the pack. But one student hands her a paper with just the word "Courage" on it. Courage indented at the top left corner of a loose leaf paper in Times New Roman font size 12. The teacher is appalled by this students audacity: Stamps A in a furious manner. He defines courage. Thats kinda what I think about while reading your verses; they are sonnets of sap. Difficult to trudge through, but once you do, wow - you are so fucking drenched in torment it's not funny. Man of color, A peacock of flamboyant behavior. If you are Black; this would be a tremendous testament, a compelling comparison to the struggle felt today in society. As it stands - I see pink and I am in the mood for vanilla ice cream. You are in a lane all your own. Color brought out your something. Then there is Witty... Angry Irishmen Aintcha? Flow was stellar - crisp but predictable. Effortless read; A real live wire of limericks. Instances of brilliance scattered here and there through out. Mostly touch and go with nothing really heavy to ponder except the closer. Your lyrics have angst to them. Runaway schemes. Overall - only one winner. Difficult decision really. Witty was sharp and breezy Cereal Kill was sickening. I've learned to appreciate the nature of the beast.
V/Cereal_Killa

[Atheist]

Aight voting time, same as I said in my last vote mechanics and flow
dont mean shit to me, I expect them to be great from both so saying that,
time to throw myself in and read.

Cereal - Ok so from the start, I loved the intro, that it jumped
straight into the story, for me your intro led me to think this would
be a 3rd person story, but then kind of turned into a first person
from the womans view im guessing. Left me a bit confused at first but im
guessing the start was the epilogue, so all good. Ok so the verse was
written from the womens point of view, Your my boy killa but I felt you
described a rape too poetic, was a lot of discription but lacked substance,
I would of prefered more substance, more anguish, lol makes me sound like
a rapist but ah well you know what I mean, she didnt seem to be too bothered,
that im scared and I feel weak really did feel a bit meh, i know you well
killa and you can do better than that, anyway as a whole you did pick it up
towards the end, as far as the verse goes tho and it pains me to say, coz your
my boy, I thought you lacked substance, im used to you going really wild with
your decriptions, in this case it felt empty. sorry bro gotta call it how I see
it.

Witty - ok so first stanza, very akward, knew what you was saying but worded
very badly, didnt like. ok 2nd stanza started off akward but then I thought was
decent, get the feeling your going off the film with the pistol whipping so ok
not bad. Ight didnt like the next few lines & ill tell you why,

this isn't poetry, this is a tale of an old disease
this jail is so cold it seems hell is in over=freeze

didnt see a link up at all to your first few stanza, & im sorry
but over-freeze? feels like you were struggling, sorry if this isnt the
case. So ok after that blip it picked up in my view nice, aight so your next
stanza felt like bragging in a fight etc but it felt very simple, lacked depth,
did'nt really draw me me much but ok I got it, aight to me you went from been
an agry cunt to a subtle poetic one by the end lol, sorry thats how I saw it
ending was ok I guess explained a little, any Witty ive also seen verse from
you before and you can write better, sorry.


Overall sorry guys was disapointed, I can only see it how I read it.
kind of felt you both came below you standard, was expecting BOTW to be
fairm gonna vote CK on acount his verse made more sense to me.
dont hate just a voter.

[Adonis]

Witty - I think you went in the right direction, I loved the imagery however wish there was more. You went into details in the killers mind, but again I wish there was more. I liked the verse, somewhere in the middle the flow went bonkers and you murdered it, in the best way possible. I literally read that portion..."the ambivalence/ limitless" it was like 4 bars of pure gold bro. I rarely give high priase but do so where its owed and at least those 4 bars was some of the better writing I read in a while. All in all enjoyable read, wouldn't mind more detail here and there, maybe more gore although you hit that slightly imo.


CK - not much time on my hands...choice words of imagery, I felt the pain you explained and saw actions your words created. Flow was dope, wording some of the best.

VOTE - you both went imagery, only I felt one has a better grasp on wording and details, more sadistic but point went across. Two good verses but CK just had the better imagery as far as writing imo

Vote CK

[Soulstice]

ck - technically, there were a lot of instances were you didnt commit to a multi and put too many syllables between the corresponding rhyming ones. conceptually, the images were an extreme close up, and there was a real familiar feel to the piece as we saw life get raped by death. overall, the ultimate concept boiled down to me as, are you takign advantage by life or getting raped by death (per se.). however, the peice didnt havem uch hints towards that, just the extremely contiguous view you gave us of the event.

the witness - flow was superb. dialogue was believeable, even the you hoe part wasnt too bad. the story progressed well and although there wasnt any crazy allegory or original backdrop to the tale the cadence and imagery were good enough to keep me engrossed in the piece and enjoy it. thats what the battle comes down to in this case. your shortened ending lines of your stanzas capped off the flow in a creative way that i dont see much in topicals

v - witty for keeping me engrossed

[Inno]

CK.

thought you did an excellent job with the verse..this was the actually the fist the verse i read so ive read them a couple of times now
frst tiem around i felt like you lacked a bit as far as the flow and overasll progression of the story..technically you kept it fresh through
out. as i read it again it i felt like it grew on me..you concept your scheme started to come through a bit more...great stuff tbh..


witty

man this was doe as fuck..like CK's piece i read your piece a couple times as well...and each time it was the same..the impact
never changed or diminish every time i read it...i felt like your concept and storytelling ability really shined through..great vivid
imagery through out the entire piece...

overall

i got witty on this one i thought his imagery was on fucking pooint and i felt like his piece ept me interested for longer..
great battle though..thanks for the read fellas.

[Objective]

Cereal: Amazing piece. A thing that has started to annoy me in this tournament is the lack of periods. It seems like some of the sentences are endless to me, a simple <br> doesn't do it for me. Beside of that the rest of the piece was amazing. I thoroughly enjoyed the concept of the piece. The whole life/death thing. Idk and I might be thinking more about the verse than you did, but seeing how the verse is named Symbolization I understood it as the ''woman'' being the pure side of a human being and the ''violent man'' being the one that tempts to destroy it. Since it's all about gangster I read it all as a young man killing someone for his first time and how the glamorization of the lifestyle lead him/her to it. This might not have been your initial idea for all I know, but I enjoyed the read with this understanding.

Witty: A straight forward approach to the topic. Decent verse with a decent rhymescheme, nothing spectacular. The imagery was dope but i'd like to see more to be honest as the story itself wasn't really that engaging. The closure was dope though. But all in all, a decent verse that could have been a lot more.

Final Vote - Cereal Killer.

[King Ra.]

5-2. More votes. :)

[Split]

Witty. Dope verse. Some incredibly lines and schemes in there. Didnt like the middle church metaphor. Power is a disease was LEGIT foreshadowing yo. 5shadowing. Seems like a timeworn tale until you apply the idea of "growing up" as the catalyst, cause and effect and realize exactly what drives people to become gangsters... At least those who idealize it. One of my favorite recent verses from you. Appears simple w/ rhyming and meaning but what is so amazing is how you created something complex out of simple words and literal events.

Ck. cool allegory for life. Like a mixed allegory or something, cause it represents the relationship it portrays. Good word choice and very disturbing. Can't say I liked how you spread out the plot details tho.

Nervous, nerves of steel to shield but with a will I wield on purpose
Strong, a battle field of love or lust.. Uncertainty feels so worthless

LOTB



v/ Witty. Refreshing direct approach and huge enjoyability factor

[Split]

Witty. Dope verse. Some incredibly lines and schemes in there. Didnt like the middle church metaphor. Power is a disease was LEGIT foreshadowing yo. 5shadowing. Seems like a timeworn tale until you apply the idea of "growing up" as the catalyst, cause and effect and realize exactly what drives people to become gangsters... At least those who idealize it. One of my favorite recent verses from you. Appears simple w/ rhyming and meaning but what is so amazing is how you created something complex out of simple words and literal events.

Ck. cool allegory for life. Like a mixed allegory or something, cause it represents the relationship it portrays. Good word choice and very disturbing. Can't say I liked how you spread out the plot details tho.

Nervous, nerves of steel to shield but with a will I wield on purpose
Strong, a battle field of love or lust.. Uncertainty feels so worthless

LOTB



v/ Witty. Refreshing direct approach and huge enjoyability factor

[Pent uP]

Kill Kill KILLAH -- wattup. im so happy to be off work I dont even care that I'm spending my 'spare time' voting. The verse was cool at the beginning. I have a problem with the middle there - your imagery wasn't up to par with what it shouldve been but i'll get to that, and also the ending was slightly sloppier then I think you're capable of - but we'll get there too. First I'd like to say that the beginning was FIRE. I dont mean the prologue I mean the

"Nervous, nerves of steel to shield but with a will I wield on purpose
Strong, a battle field of love or lust.. Uncertainty feels so worthless
Hurting before insertion, but too young to know any better
He gropes in pleasure, wetter yet aware of the scarlet’s letter
He kisses me, I’m eased releasing in a sea of my endeavors"

just the way that whole that segment rolls off the tongue is dope, and (in my experience) part of your signature style. Anyways - im gonna stop brooding on specifics so much -- Your wording was excellent up until the scene of the...forceful entry. I felt like you wanted to keep it vague but make it vulgar - and that to me is a contradiction in writing. I think the diction there shouldve been raw and powerful and fucked up. Either go for it and make me sick or..you know..dont touch on the subject - that's my two cents. The problem I had with the ending was that you tried to characterized the woman right before the ending. It's like I spent the whole time getting set up to feel for this woman, and I almost did (or i did and dont wanna admit it lol) and then its like MY NAME IS VENERIAL DISEASE and i was like WTF DUDE I DONT WANNA LIKE YOU NOW. that's how I felt...but I'm giving you a 50000FT view of how I felt because it seems to be easier. I mean in the end the closer was still dope but the way you wrapped it up wasnt fluid with the story build. It went from fun to intense to negatively intense and then a HUGE drop to psychoanalytical without a smooth transition. Iono thats where I'm at. Cool commentary. Cool verse, gay font color faggot. lol

WITTY YOU WITTY MUHFUGGA - Haha, that was a dope ending...the verse had a pretty fire-tastic flow to it too. there was a part that made me stop reading and just give my computer screen a nod for the flow like 'damn witty, good job' but I'm in editing mode so I can't copy/paste it. It was the part with imminent/dilligent whatever rhymes - like a 4-5 line segment. Anyways -
Storywise I got a few problems with this -- Characterization, characterization, characterization. I dont feel like you made me and the dude connect (and im a damn GANGSTA, lol). I just knew he was doing it. It's like I was showed a bunch of pictures of him before he committed any crime, but he had the gun to their faces - I dont FEEL like he pulled the trigger, I just feel like I was told he was - but I was taught to ascertain for myself. I feel like you the time spent with the beginning (which in my opinion was the weakest part of this verse) could've been used to instead develop the middle. We already know he's a gangster because of what you're writing and the topic. We already know that he's bad for one of several cliche reasons - we'll just believe that he "just fell into it" that part isn't important to us (in this particular storyline). What we need is the MEAT of his transformation and thats what I think you should've spent the line limit doing - Changing him from mentally savage to mentally damaged. The ending was dope - I liked how you tied in some other lines from that movie, or another gangster quote if its not from there, and integrated it.

Overall - The verses were pretty dope and I enjoyed the matchup. The approaches you both took were extreme polar opposites and it makes the decision more taste-based I guess. I really liked CK's methodical word choice and I really appreciated Witty's rhyme-enamored styled. I think CK started strong and ended short and I think Witty could've used a lot more meat but he rounded out his verse well. Witty's concept was one dimensional though, and CK's had a couple of dimensions to it and thats really where I think the difference lies.

Cereal Killer

[King Ra.]

CEREAL_KILLA WINS, 6-3.