AOWL Week 8: Zenland (4-3) VS. TopicalDood5 (2-0) [TOPICALDOOD5 WINS, 7-0.]

[King Ra.]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SATURDAY 4/6 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 4/7 at 11:59 PST. (There is a 6 hour grace period following the end of the extension deadline. If you fail to post anything by the end of the grace period time, you will be given the no show loss.)

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.
Voting ends TUESDAY 3/9 at 11:59 PST. (Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUST check in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-r0GaSDw2py0/UQ7h02eo6tI/AAAAAAAAc4Y/yGmSMidugBk/s1600/Casino.jpg


TOPIC: "When you love someone, you've gotta trust them. There's no other way. You've got to give them the key to everything that's yours. Otherwise, what's the point? And, for a while, I believed that's the kind of love I had." Casino, 1995.


Good luck to both participants. ZenLand TopicalDood5

[Soulstice]

inside this

[Zen]

Check and good luck sir.

[Zen]

Extension? TopicalDood5

[Soulstice]

yea sure. i may need a line extension as well,

well i didnt need that line ext whatsoever. gluck

[Zen]

Thats fine man

[Soulstice]

Let The Right One In

A certain mixture - an ideal couple in paradise, the sky matched her eyes
And the forest's verdant vigor matched his - pretty words in cursive scriptures
Couldn't grasp this perfect picture - what their feeling within
- Is being Watched by lurking figures with strange, ethereal limbs
Fear and his twin - Love; one dark and twisted with a legion of masks
A rubix cube of false faces - that all fiendishly laugh
Frequently screaming or flashing their yellowed, razor-blade teeth
But his twin sang a melody that seemed made from the sweet
Way that archangels would greet a heavenly dame on the street
And they watch
Fear would randomly screech, a top-heavy freak that swayed in the wind
Viciously itching and scratching at the sable decay of his husk
A perfect foil to the sapient Love, and his irradiant skin
As both watched and waited for the Games to Begin..

The couple's journey progressed - faced with merciless tests
Two hearts battling emotions - it would turn in their chests
Like a ship battling tidal waves of nervous regret
Nothing is truly determined in sex - if honesty could be served like victuals
Instead of hidden away in the charades of imperfect rituals
This would all be so simple... The spirits hover above them, impatient sprites
Waiting for a moment of weakness.. waiting to strike

The game of hearts is never won with a sudden, finishing blow
It's like constructing a fortress, brick-by-brick, building it slow
And after many winters of cold, and summers of sun
The twins had ceased their shadowing because someone had won
Love had decidedly come, into the lives of the two
Fear watches, perched on a clock tower 'neath the shine of the moon
But he knows better than any - emotions hostile disquiet
And that eternal love is almost an impossible triumph
So he watches in silence, mouths cracking smiles and smug
As his dark skin becomes irradiant, exactly like Love's
& he sees Love change as well, breaking apart at all the gaps in their trust
He casts off his husk, Fear turns to Love in a sudden thunder
And his presence will go to grace and change some other lovers..
..for a time.

Meanwhile,
Tensions rise post-ring ceremony, things are different & changing
The bejewled circle is just missing some chain links
Love, he twitches and jerks, his skin blistering, repugnant and torn
And from what was once Love, a new Fear comes to the world..

[Zen]

When the bell is tolled, then the time is right.
You have to sell your soul, to buy a wife.....

I wrote this and waited weeks to send this letter.
I'm hopeless, We made vows, Has it already been forever?
I know I promised I'd hit you never but I pinned you against the dresser.
I'm sorry. To be honest, I miss you Sarah. We have to fix this together
And grit our teeth and work at this.
Not throw worhtless fits and wither in defeat.
Love is bitter and sweet.
I promise to change and not be the same
Bastard you have to look after. I'll be monogamous babe.
Before I was a rolling stone, cold to the bone
And I felt so alone going back to a broken home.
Especially since I'm the one that broke the foundation...
I just stayed smokin in the basement
Because I got no hope when I faced that
Look in your eye. I took your pride.
I'd get shook and cry. What fuckin good am I!?
I know you hate my kind, but if you change your mind I'll wait in line.
Date and signed; James T. Pine

It's been nine years since that letter was lined in print.
That's nine years of time spent trying to repent,
Nine years trying to forget....
Since then we've noticed progess, He's focused and stops less
In therapy, And apparently doping makes him nauxious
So we've lowered his dosage, He seemed to be coping and honest
But we found a rope in his boxes. Now that we know, we're cautious.
This raised concern, It seems he became disturbed
And wept in terror at the memory of the death of Sarah,
(His wife he chopped up and locked up and kept in his dresser).
When we last left he was better so we'll keep you noted
On each of his "moments" and work to the best of our abilities.
Signed; Dr. Kurt, St. Mary's Mental Health Facilties.

[IamBenT]

Wow... just wowzers

Topical - Fantastic scheme again, your word choices are impeccable and the rhyme is poetic and effortless through about 85 percent of this. Some of the lines suffered from being TOO wordy, where a more succinct and direct description would have made your picture clearer, kind of like comparing Fitzgerald to Hemingway though its a matter of taste lol, The basic metaphor driving the piece is very smart. My only complaint is the piece lacks a feeling of being grounded in reality and giving me someone or something that I can really relate to, but that is the price of a universal fable so to speak. however, loved the verse and the message throughout.

Zen - Wow the rhyming here is solid, every week you are just doper and doper with the concepts, I love the twist at the end because I did NOT see that coming, I thought maybe they would make up or something but holy crap. Sometimes just a hint of ultra-violence can go along way especially as you used foreshadowing very well to hint at doom to come. the use of James Pine was a bit confusing to me, i thought maybe you were relating to the actor lol all in all a solid verse and showing.

Vote -TopicalDood5 damn as much as i like Zen's verse, I just feel he was outgunned by someone who has been penning verse for what seems to be a long time. Great battle, so far one of the best I have read this week.

[Frank]

Soulstice - A character of many. A vanguard. Your stories are like the dark horse and the knight in shining armour. You are a connoisseur of crusades. The wording catches you off guard; but that spinarooni you do with the come back dribble is rare trait of the complexity age. The storys itself was not overly impactful on my life but I enjoyed the read. Sick read. You nailed the ending I thought. Creative stuff.

Couldn't grasp this perfect picture - what their feeling within
- Is being Watched by lurking figures with strange, ethereal limbs
Fear and his twin - Love; one dark and twisted with a legion of masks
A rubix cube of false faces - that all fiendishly laugh
Fear would randomly screech, a top-heavy freak that swayed in the wind
Viciously itching and scratching at the sable decay of his husk
A perfect foil to the sapient Love, and his irradiant skin
As both watched and waited for the Games to Begin..
The game of hearts is never won with a sudden, finishing blow
It's like constructing a fortress, brick-by-brick, building it slow
And after many winters of cold, and summers of sun
The twins had ceased their shadowing because someone had won
Love had decidedly come, into the lives of the two
Fear watches, perched on a clock tower 'neath the shine of the moon
But he knows better than any - emotions hostile disquiet
And that eternal love is almost an impossible triumph
So he watches in silence, mouths cracking smiles and smug
As his dark skin becomes irradiant, exactly like Love's
^this section was good.

Zenland.
Verse packed a punch for however many lines it was. You wrote this in a few minutes; Am I not right? One things for sure; if that T2K shit ever starts up you'll be champ of that shit no problem. Pressure cooker rhymes for days. Different type of skill set to achieve those moment verses. You are a versatile writer my brother. You can adapt to any style and make it your own. Sure fire. Can't quote nothing but the whole joint as a whole was quotable good job.

MVGT TopicalDood5 but its a photo finish

[Soulstice]

http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5635-AOWL-CHAMPIONSHIP-MATCH-Frank-(6-0)-VS-zygote-(5-1)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5629-AOWL-Week-8-Witty-(3-2)-VS-Cereal_Killa-(1-1)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5632-AOWL-Week-8-pohfig-(4-1)-VS-Red-glare-(4-2)-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!

[Juxtaposition]

TOP -
Niiiiiice. Great concept. This was a very enjoyable read, how you laid it out. You achieved a fine balance with story, vocabulary, rhymes, imagery... pretty much everything. The writers voice was fitting, you didn't interject your opinion or thoughts but at the same time you were able to make a thoughtful statement. Well planned well executed, captured mood, even had a slight twist at the end. Love can become fear and vice versa and you personified them =). You could have gone deeper if you wanted, gave the lovers more character, or dedicated a stanza to the transformation, that would have been cool, but on the whole this was very polished and efficient.

ZEN-
This vaguely reminded me of that movie with Leonardo Dicaprio, Shutter Island.

Let's say writing is martial arts... this would be a Green Belt piece. (white, yellow, green, blue, red, black). I appreciated the spartan lines, you said what needed to be said to set a solid story into action and conclusion. Actually the way you were able to tell somewhat of a complete story in so little lines is skillful.

The main thing though... is your words lacked any power. I've had a relationship, where it was on the brink because of something I did, and after 3 painstaking days I was able to dig deep and find what I needed to say for her to stay. I went through several self serving please forgive me I'm sorry drafts, where I talked about what happened, the situation etc.. only to throw them away because they meant nothing. It's only when instead of talking to myself, I spoke directly to her and the hurt that was between us did I find the way. So when I read that 'letter' it was so impotent to me.

I needed that letter from James to achieve that sort of conviction and remorse. You have solid technique and delivery, but for this story you needed to show more of the character than just a scrap of paper.

Vote - TOP

[patrown]

TopicalDood5- the scheme, story, word choices, and progression.. are all very good here. i can't really criticize anything at all. really enjoyed the rhymes of the second stanza.. also hostile quiet/impossible triumph killed it.
the way you broke it down and told your tale is admirable, to say the least. excellent piece.

ZenLand- whoa? lol. kinda blew me out of the water with the twist. it looks like you pumped this out really quick - a couple other people said that. i can't interpret what they meant by that, but i'm saying it as a compliment.
it looks as if you produced this powerful tale effortlessly. and that to me, is the hallmark of an excellent writer.

/v Top - the difference between the two pieces that made my decision was the rhyme scheme's. combined with the excellent layout/story progression, top really killed it this week. good stuff from both, in their own styles.
good match.

[King Ra.]

4-0. More votes. :)

[Pent uP]

Tropical Dude -- I can honestly say this verse made me a fan of yours. First and foremost, and probably least importantly - I'd like to say FUCKING SOMEONE OTHER THAN ME USED VICTUALS - thats just awesome...Beyond that I felt like this writing, at some time in some other dimension couldve been mine. I feel like the wording was meticulously chosen for the most parts - the rhymes thought out. It wasn't so much the story, actually at all the story, that I liked - it was the writing. The story is what I think was your downfall in this verse - I hate when people personify feelings or nouns or whatever - I think its corny as fuck to be honest. I think, from experience, when people write in the frame of mind that the accentuating quality of the story is that the characters are feelings they feel they need to characterize their characters less and it, in a way, shows in the story. Now thats a double edged comment I just made so let me clarify - The story itself: the way it progressed, the details, the wording and diction was what I liked - but what you did with the characters and how you tried to pronounce their emotions I didnt. The ending was a bit too stuffed into itself for me - I had to really get into the story to like it, which..i didnt like..I guess I just like something a bit more generalized there but thats to each his own. Either way - as harsh as I may have sounded this was solid work and I'll be looking forward to more from you.

Zen -- Man, I'm not trying to be offensive at all but you got some work to do. Conceptually speaking you got a lot of work to do - and me personally, I think thats where you should go with your writing right now. Stop worrying about flow, or perceived flow, and stop worrying about rhymes -- Just work on your concepts right now. That is some just random shit i read there...I have no idea why or how I got to this verse...I felt like I just watched a short film on youtube that was the brainchild for the side-storyline in terminator as depicted by the average Joe. I think you would benefit from taking the constructive criticism from this leagues members for a few weeks about your concepts and molding your writing process around it..then work in flow and rhymes again..its a rough road but none of us got here just like BLOAW. thats my 2 cents

Vote -- DOOD because of overall better writing

[zygote]

Topicaldood5, strong rhyming stand out with interesting take on the selected topic. Production of rhythm through balance of the rhyme schemes, this was the difference to Zenlands rhyme schemes, both used good rhyme schemes, but Topicaldood5 used them to greater effect by using them more sparingly. Themes of the struggle to build something and also destruction were nicely contrasted.

Zenland enjoy use of the unreliable narrator, it is always good to deceive the reader like that, enjoyed the revelation at the end. Didn't enjoy language of the Dr. felt you needed to make it more stylistically mature to contrast more with the layman James character. As it stands they both had too similar of tone. If it were not for the italics (and content) it would be difficult to tell them apart (E.g., more lines like "Since then we've noticed progess" would be better. Misspelling of nauseous ruined the illusion.) Voted for Topicaldood5.

[Nigma]

Both did a good job hitting the target. Zen was pretty solid, nothing too over-the-top outrageously amazing but still, nothing worth mentioning needs improvement. I felt that Topical wrote an amazing piece. High level imagery, story progression, rhyme scheme complexity, that was one of the best verses I've read in awhile. Topical came harder in this one.

[King Ra.]

TOPICALDOOD5 WINS, 7-0.