AOWL Week 8: c.d.m. (2-5) VS. Split (3-3) [SPLIT WINS, 6-2.]

[King Ra.]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SATURDAY 4/6 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 4/7 at 11:59 PST. (There is a 6 hour grace period following the end of the extension deadline. If you fail to post anything by the end of the grace period time, you will be given the no show loss.)

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.
Voting ends TUESDAY 3/9 at 11:59 PST. (Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUST check in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8UQXyTKQ83Y/TztdjR1zR7I/AAAAAAAABiA/BphappTq7aA/s1600/kissed3.jpg


TOPIC: "Some say there's no soul, no afterlife, that life and death is the straightest line on the compass, and nothing more. I say believe what you want, because no matter what you do, cut everything up, burn it all down, you're in the path of something beyond your control." Kissed, 1996.


Good luck to both participants. c.d.m. Split

[Split]

I look forward to mismatching our wits.

http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5632-AOWL-Week-8-pohfig-%284-1%29-VS-Red-glare-%284-2%29-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!

http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5628-AOWL-Week-8-Ink-%283-1%29-VS-Vulgar-%281-0%29-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!

[veritas]

I look forward to witting our mismatches

[veritas]

Ralph Morgan was a successful business man who thought he had it all figured out….he died suddenly in his sleep on the eve of his 47th birthday and found himself before a large white throne…..Suddenly a voice thundered inside of his head and forced him to his knees…..

“YOU HAVE BEEN HEINOUS SINCE WIPES SOOTHED YOUR ENFLAMED ANUS, AS BABY FACES TRIED YOUR FAITHLESS PARENT’S PATIENCE.
YOU GREW IN SPACE’S PACES, BEGAN TORMENTING FAMILY PETS IN THEIR CAGES, YOU WERE LOQUACIOUS, AND PRONE TO FITS OF RAGES
CLOSE MINDED, REMISS THE SAGE’S WAGES, AS CLASS WAS FOR A LAUGH, AND ACTING OUTRAGEOUS, TRULLY YOUR IGNORANCE AMAZES
YOUR TEENS BROUGH BELLIGERENT PHASES OF INDIFFERENT STAGES, REBELLIOUS, CRAZED, AND BRAZEN, MENTALLY IN MAZES
EVENTUALLY YOU RAISED THE STAKES AND FAKED AND CHEATED COLLEGE GRADES ON PAGES, THEN HIT THE RAT RACES LOOKING FOR ONLY RAISES
FLASHING PEARLY WHITES AND SURLY GAZES WHILE THINKING DEPRAVED WAYS TO LAY WASTE TO “HATERS” WHILE SEEKING THEIR PRAISES
YOU MADE YOUR WAY TO THE TOP AND NEVER CHOSE TO STOP TO CONSIDER MY AMAZING GRACES….”

Ralph could not move…..he was frozen, fear overtook him, he immediately began to think that he was a good guy…who had made something of his life when the voice spoke again…..

“ YOU WORM. YOU WERE ALWAYS IN SIN. YOU ROBBED A BLIND MAN ON THE STREETS IN YOUR TEENS, NOT KNOWING HIS EYES WERE SHOWING AN ANGEL’S VISION ON MY SCREENS
YOU CURSED YOUR MOTHER AND PUNCHED YOUR FATHER, YOU CAME HOME HIGH, THINKING IT WOULD HELP WITH YOUR “FREESTYLE SCHEMES”
YOUR PORNOGRAPHY HABITS THAT FUELED YOUR PENILE SPERMECIDAL STREAMS WERE ALL SEEN, HOMOSEXUAL INCESTUAL BEGUILED THINGS
WHEN YOU ENTERED YOUR WORKPLACE, YOU WERE CUTTHROAT AND PHONI, STAB BACKS WITH ATTACKS, THEN SWITCHED UP YOUR TEAMS
YOU COMMITTED ADULTERY WITH A COWORKER AND LIED TO YOUR WIFE, YOU WERE A MOTE HUNTER, WHO NEGLECTED HIS OWN BEAMS
IT SEEMS THAT YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD IT FIGURED OUT, YOU THOUGHT THAT SUCCESS WAS THE KEY TO YOUR DREAMS
BUT NOW YOU SEE ALL THE PEOPLE YOU HURT, JUST SO YOU COULD MAKE IT BREAK YOUR FRAIL SOUL FROM IT’S SEAMS..”

Ralph began weeping…..he thought oh please have mercy…I am sorry……

“ YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE IN LIFE, BUT YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE IN CONTROL, YOU MISREAD THE SIGNS OF YOUR DIABETIC NEUROPATHY
YOU USED THE PAIN TO CURSE ME, WHEN I MEANT IT FOR YOU TO HUMBLE YOURSELF AND SEEK MY LOVE CORRECTED AND PROPERLY
YOU LIVED SLOPPILY, I WAS AN AFTERTHOUGHT, AN ABSTRACT ODDITY FUELED BY VAIN HYPOCRISY YOU CLAIMED AMIDST COMMRODERIE
THEY ALL LAUGHED AND FED YOUR POMPOUS POTTERY, SPUN WITH SELF DECEIT AND REPLETE OF ANY THOUGHT ABOVE MEDIOCRITY
YOU NEVER DARKENED THE DOOR OF A CHURCH OR CRACKED A BIBLE, CHOSE TO THINK YOU WERE IN CONTROL…….A HOLLYWOOD PHILOSOPHY
YOU WILL NOW KNOW THAT I AM THE KING OF KINGS, THE GOD OF gods, AND WILL NOT BE TAKEN OR FORSAKEN BY HUMAN MOCKERY!
YOU WERE NEVER IN CONTROL, THIS LIFE WAS A TEST, AND YOU EARN THE WAGES OF SIN, DEATH’S ETERNAL OFFERING!!!”


Ralph immediately felt the darkness engulf him as the fire tormented his body and the pain was indescribable with no respite.

[Split]

here. been writing, gonna go over the time. extend or not, no hard feelings.


EDIT: to be official, requesting EXT

[Split]

RELIGION 2.0


Patrick, 000.001.001
Father Patrick attacks the blackened pews, Windex and paper thin sheets.
Encrypted in vagrancy, its rows home to those who aimlessly plead,
The simplex decaying city sleeps in droves, arise as corrugated chambers grew cold.
It's seven oh-five on Sunday, 3405 AD, twenty-nine hold service for eight running weeks.
Cursing the meek, inherit the Earth that bleeds ashes and dust.
Stained glass above, adjective: rust. Anno domini blues, captive of trust,
Seems only recent news that God gave a fuck. Plotted off course.
Consumate corpses, toxin'd, constantly drugged lords frolick above-
With laser pistols drawn they'd stolen every end and odd for a buck-
Made off with crystalline goblets, copped for bankers, jesus pieces for gangsters,
Murals and crucifixes appended to resemble President Bernake XII (wanker).
Indigenous strays reclaimed immigrant papers, diamond spangled banners,
Gold White and Silver draped over missives, silent constituent drainers-
the Bibles ripped by ambivalent teenagers, violent and faceless with anger.
Every vial of wine, wheat little crackers. Got Love, Law and Militant Mavens,
As price signs shimmer in their eyes, our gold ***hes definitively raided,
The Pope cashed his check, Rose of the West vanished like a thorn in Italy's lands,
But effects of pedantic prose and holiest tomes expands, torn by our fiddling hands,
The imminent revitalists rose with a clap- cried stimulant manufacture-

For the price of a million pounds- or tithe of sermons and interpretive rapture,
A SimuLink cursive of your psyche mapped, and memories relayed to the Master.
So when- with dwindling cries, heavily forced breath resembles an endeavor-
The Lords Men will arrive by Four Mezzers, make for a Minister Center...
And when you awake. Find proportionate measure of devotion recreated,
ogent sensory pleasures adjacent. Heaven noblely exposed in rays of essence indefinite,
Run-on words expand on mental TVs, hopelessly indentured and separate,
Treasure stationed by cerebral extensions of rope, silver-spun band of Endless,
Sewed to every digital cloud in the cyclically wound Silvre(R)-Diskette SimMetric,
Life-everafter affixed. Equivocal septims. Drivel, grim and yet depthless.
Embezzled in excess, riddled consensus whispers a reference
I brittly interject- "but what Words have we sentenced..?"

Just a pivotal rebuttal to visceral soliloquy.
For God and I are one. Residuals of a pedigree.
What need is God when you never must meet?

When the first of my brothers blanched, embraced in Confessions,
My shaking hands blessed my own soul with hope's wafer-thin vestige.
The bourgeoise's incessant advance, je ne cour pas is the stance and the song.
Records have been drawn... forced awe at our hands, corpus christi vineal flaw,
These raw numbers don't lie, even in loss of their prometheal Gods.
His people run abroad. No false idols, appears to be no idols at all,
The technological holocaust that caused society's zealots to fall.
Holographical norms expelled beyond limits conceived previously,
When the grimace recedes, we'll see we all but encompassed Ecclesiastes.
Knowledge streamed, bludgeons faucets to maws. Living extinct paradoxically,
Scholars, doctors, children interrupting Gods, it's all but modern ecology.
With these withered digits scheming up loads of honest apologies,
It appears that upon finish, believe I'll only owe one


To theology,

Some say there's no soul, no afterlife, that life and death is the straightest line on the compass, and nothing more. I say believe what you want, because no matter what you do, cut everything up, burn it all down, you're in the path of something beyond your control.

Signed,

The Last Father


----------------------------------------------------

I woke up alone, and infiniteless.
Exposed to my open omnipotence.

[zygote]

CDM, the parts that do not rhyme are good, the ending especially, it was fitting because of its abruptness and finality. There is no ambiguity or elegant phrase - "the pain was indescribable with no respite." - perfect ending to what you wrote. Must admit I laughed at the first line "“YOU HAVE BEEN HEINOUS SINCE WIPES SOOTHED YOUR ENFLAMED ANUS, AS BABY FACES TRIED YOUR FAITHLESS PARENT’S PATIENCE." but if we go by the Christian doctrine of original sin, then it was a fitting line. The all-caps was a nice stylistic touch. Tone was authoritative without being aggressive, only exception that did not fit was the "YOU WORM" part, perhaps that line would have been better without the YOU WORM part.

Split, that was high-quality science fiction writing, the way you managed to mix in the religious themes was great too. Presentation of a high-tech future where religion plays a key role. Reminds me of those old classic books about Theocracy dystopias, can't remember what they are called. The creation of you own words (E.g., SimuLink, Four Mezzers, SimMetric) and creation of your own characters (E.g., President Bernake XII) really fleshed out this world, and without going in depth/off topic to explain it you rather give a quick reference and let us think about it. Truly, I wanted to know more about this world, and you showed good self control too keep a strong focus. Overall, voted for Split.

[veritas]

Dope verse split. Real talk....respect

[Xces]

Cdm - The story portrayed here feels broken up and jumping between points that draws my attention from the overall message of what is trying to be portrayed. That in itself has creatively destroyed my own interest. Which is a dead fall. There are good rhyme schemes and rhymes throughout, but the writing itself didn't hold my attention.

Split -You came with a technical verse and some insane schemes and it played out well. I don't have all to much else to really say about it.

V/ Split

[Mike Wrecka]

cdm - really enjoyed your verse. best ive read this week so far. what your really good at, is creating a very easy to read story that keeps me interested. anyone can read this and love it. your structure is not what im used to reading but this flowed really really well. like I said dope verse.

split - you went the religious route as well. when you go in on a topic you encompass it whole and fully. you leave nothing out. and you described things in a very complex way. your structure just still does not agree with me. i have trouble catching the flow and rhyme scheme sometimes and im beginning to think its just me stuck in my ways of being so used to reading one style that your stuff throws me off. iono. with that aside it was a dope verse with a lot of memorable phrases.

vote - cdm

like I said really enjoyed his verse this week , prolly my fave and ya split put up a good fight but my personal preference this round was cdms verse

[Vulgar]

c.d.m. - Good interpretation of the topic. As a whole, I think the god dialogue was effective and the rhyming was consistently okay. I think that your rhyme scheme are one thing I feel leaves something to be desired. If you had a stronger flow, your pieces would carry more 'might' and punch. They would be more everlasting. Your rhyming itself is clean and functional, but maybe I'm more drawn to exotic risk-taking, so that's just my personal suggestion for improvement in future verses. Go more wild with pertinent rhyme schemes. Your character meeting God's judgment was an interesting read; you believing in Jesus yourself probably made it more relevant than if I were to try this, for example. Also, I wonder if Ralph had anything to say in response? I'd recommend checking out K-Rino's song "Valley of Judgment" it's dope and right up your alley.

Split - If I spent a lot of time with this I'm sure I would "get" it fully but right now I'd say I grasp about 50% of what you're trying to say. The language was written in geyser streams, with periodic bursts of verbose sections full of vocabulary usage and a deeply personified respect for the topic/subject. It was given extensive attention in painting a "city" of words, if you will. Maybe a bit overboard in some parts which I can equate to overloading the inside of a hamburger. Anyone can do it but it takes a refined writer to organize and infiltrate the reader's mind through some form of accessibility. That's not to say you aren't a refined writer or this wasn't accessible; for me when it comes to topicals it really depends on what mood I'm in when I'm reading so it's partly my fault for not fully getting the verse. I read it twice and feel like I should read it again. The youth of modernity thinking they can be as powerful as God while a futuristic society seems to demand old fashioned faith... no idea. I owe you some analysis.

I will vote for Split too just because it made me want to read it again. cdm's was self explanatory and for me had less re-readability than Split's which was a layer cake that's pleasing to decipher (though I barely deciphered and should be berated)

Vote - Split

[Juxtaposition]

"Made off with crystalline goblets, copped for bankers, jesus pieces for gangsters,"

I dig it.

Both of you wrote somewhat humorous pieces to me.

CD was straightforward but I enjoyed the roast. Not breaking any new ground here. I think you blended a reprimanding dialogue with rhymes well, that's not always easy to do. At the same time you gave a depiction of the character, what type of life he left and you had an underlying tie to the topic...

Man lives his life defined by his own terms, but really it was just a test for your place in the afterlife.

I've been going back to the Catholic Church recently, getting Confirmed, so this piece had pertinence to me.

For what it was you did it respectably. Sounds like old testament God to me, or from what I've been taught to think of him.

Now SPLIT...

I want to like this piece.... but you are very meandering man. You run around the whole block to tell me you live next store. The language and the craftsmanship is on a higher skill level then CD attempted, but where he hit like 85/100 of his routine... you hit like 60/100 of your more difficult routine.

You need to study up on the economy of words... You can be more impressive by saying less, not using more complex vocabulary. Write some Haikus lol...

I have a book about Japanese Death Poems... priests and scholars on their death beds would write one final Short poem to sum up their life. You need to give that sort of importance to each word, you have a lot of fat.

I did enjoy some of the imagery, like with the opening statement... I thought your humor was wry, not so cheaply bought.

"For the price of a million pounds- or tithe of sermons and interpretive rapture,
A SimuLink cursive of your psyche mapped, and memories relayed to the Master.
So when- with dwindling cries, heavily forced breath resembles an endeavor-"

Lol... yea... I like the tone of the story the writers voice understated but charming in a way. You take a simple idea and almost make it too much to bear, but it worked out.


Vote - Split

I enjoyed both reads thanks guys for your efforts.

[Just Write]

lmao.. cdm's first lines slayed me.."since wipes soothed your enflamed anus"... amyways i enjoyed your verse (minus your cap lock getting stuck) i think those little intermediate parts were dope but kind of a way to cheat and convey whatever you wanted without rhyme. other than that i enjoyed the depiction of a few man standing before the lord on this judgemnet day-esque background.. growing up my parents were pretty religious so that always terrified me thinking ill be in ralphs position haha...

split.. damn homie, talk about descriptive detail. i felt like i was reading/watching a movie. your story telling abilities are of the chain as far as imagery and vividness about the smallest items i.e. the windex paper sheets, laser pistols ect.. not gunna lie there were a few places that went over my head but i think thats cuz i need to expand my vocab..

in the end you both did aweaome but im going with what i liked more.. splits verse

[Red glare]

C.D.M - A very powerful read. A demonic twist from weeks of previous. A hateful side you may have kept suppressed. And I tell ya' every week you stay in a relevant reverend mind state. The story was bigger than life with all the fonts and capital letters; format was cutting edge. You kind of captured that after life aspect. Good read.
Split - What can I say; mind boggling stuff really. Just a cross word puzzle; no pun intended. I enjoyed the read. Thought you spent a little time on this and it paid off for you; probably one of the more denser pieces I've read this week.
My vote goes to C.D.M for a more compelling verse

[King Ra.]

5-2. More votes. :)

[patrown]

CDM - I LOL'D A COUPLE OF TIMES.. A NORMAL GUY, GOT THROUGH SCHOOL, WORKED HIS WAY UP THE LADDER LIKE A DOUCHEBAG, BANGED A SECRETARY.. YOU WORM!!.. LOL. GOOD SHIT. SPERMICIDAL - TO ME, WAS A BIT OVER THE TOP WITH THE HUMOR. WHEN SOMETHING IS IRONIC, I GET A KICK OUT OF IT. WHEN A WORD IS USED IMPROPERLY AND I CAN'T TAKE MEANING FROM IT.. I'M USUALLY BOTHERED.
HERE, I STILL LAUGHED. SO.. WELL EXECUTED.
ONE OTHER POINT WAS THE .............. MY EYES KEPT BEING DRAWN TO IT, CAN'T VOTE AGAINST YOU FOR OCD BUT DAMN YOU ANYWAY -_- YOU SAID A LOT ABOUT RELIGION, AND AN AVERAGE JOES CAPABILITY TO FAIL BEFORE HE DIES OF THAT HEART ATTACKSO I REALLY COMMEND YOU FOR THAT.

Split- ok so. i interpreted the entire piece as, understanding faith to the point it's used as a tool transforms a clergyman into God's in the future. like ancient egypt, with lasers.. in the matrix.
this is a trip..
ogent sensory pleasures adjacent. Heaven noblely exposed in rays of essence indefinite,
Run-on words expand on mental TVs, hopelessly indentured and separate,
Treasure stationed by cerebral extensions of rope, silver-spun band of Endless,
Sewed to every digital cloud in the cyclically wound Silvre(R)-Diskette SimMetric,
Life-everafter affixed. Equivocal septims. Drivel, grim and yet depthless.
this can be interpreted in many ways of course, but taken literally it's a little glimpse into a world.. in the future.. that zygote foresaw a couple weeks ago, and described it's creation.. well you went into it.
that just blew my fucking mind but anyway.
what is a revitalist?
this piece is a huge bit to chew on. but really, you created a new fucking world and i dig it.
i've spent too much time trying to chew on bits and pieces of it.. so i think you were being pointedly ambiguous.
If you were to pm me one or two line on any overall messages i didn't get- if there were any - i would be grateful.

/v - split. i got a kick out of your entire piece cdm. really , i think it was rad. i was just capping to be sarcastic.but you really did do a good job, and i was into every aspect of your verse. freal.
split just.. came too hard. too deep. rhymes out the yin yang, word choices like no tomorrow.. concepts within concepts on top of a meaty foundation.. well. it would have been difficult for my nerdy ass to vote against you split. i'm a sucker for futuristic speculation as far as technology or religion goes and you got them both in one. all i can really say is, thank you.

[King Ra.]

SPLIT WINS, 6-2.