Week 1: ZYG vs. Exoduzt \\ ZYG wins 8-2

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 3


The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Deadline extensions of 24 hours are available on request and cannot be denied.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines (or 650 words if formatted in a paragraph style) unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54832).


Topic


"The Stranger"


Good luck, ZYG and Exoduzt.

[zygote]

ABSURDIST SATIRE: THE MODERN GOD AS A STRANGER.

Stacy, could you please show Mr. God his way into my office -
Hello God, I’d like to discuss your contract’s termination clauses.
I speak on behalf of the shareholders and our board member peers,
while it’s true you’ve been the organization’s head for 4,000 years,
We have to let you go. Sorry to put it as plainly as that,
Our organization is looking to change and adapt.
We need a new CEO. Doctrine and dogma is boring,
Fire and brimstone is just so one-thousand and fourteen.
We haven’t made a decent profit since the crusades,
and market research shows you’re seen as simple and plain.
In our world of miniature gadgets and LED-flashing computers,
Kneeling in pews just doesn’t resonate with today’s tech-savvy consumer.
Not to mention the negative press, our competitors think we’re a joke,
Like the publicity stunt when we elected the first black midget gay pope.
Focus groups want digital tokens for their sins and their penance,
They want redeemable mobile vouchers for instant repentance.
We need to switch up the message, modesty’s out and sexy is in,
and while we’re at it, let’s make not spending a sin.
Excellent things like churches and chapels with online stores,
to sell novelty shirts like “I’m with stupid.” and “I’m with the Lord.”
Christ isn’t trending anymore, crosses and rosaries no longer sell,
In developing economies Allah and Yahweh are posting losses as well.
Don’t get me started on that twitter failure - #HosannaHolySaviour.
The Eucharist is too indistinct, we’re replacing it with a low-carb gourmet wafer.
The wine? Substituted with all-natural Guava and zesty mineral water,
We desperately need to turn things around for the next fiscal quarter.
Our stocks are quickly falling, we finished trading down 12.4 points,
The church has such bland patrons, look at who those joyless bores anoint.
Market analysis indicates 11 to 19 year old females would better respond if we chose Miley Cyrus as a saint,
We need to attract target demographics, our financial projections are nose-diving as of late.
Monotheism’s archaic when compared to New Age sciencey pseudo-religions,
We must compete with this pantheon of humanitarians by riding out the tide of new consumerism.
Buddhism is still cool, you could be more interesting too, capture youthful imaginations,
Reinvented as a half-man half-animal with Hugh Jackmans acting in the movie adaptation.
“IN THE BEGINNING I CREATED THE HEAVENS AND THE EARTH.”
About that. You made some blunders according to our technical efficiency experts.
You could have monetized the stages of life as separate add-on expansions,
With a DLC to release different emotions through several micro transactions.
You didn’t sufficiently take advantage of potential revenue streams,
You could have hidden life’s suffering with viral marketing development teams.
This is getting extreme, we can’t keep rewarding your mistakes with continued employment,
Prophets keep on scheduling judgement day and you keep on missing appointments.
You’re a stranger now, you're old and tired, we’re truly sorry how this all transpired.
Take the golden handshake -
God is fired.

[Exoduzt]

Do you love your father is something I have never forgot to ask...
I'm a proper dad that took work off to see my daughters soccer match...
I get there late to see my little girl with her friends behavin' silly...
Dont care if I embarass her so I sit down and wave to Lilly...
I'd give her everything I have until nothing was left...
She really does calm my nerves cus I know it sucks to be stressed...
All of a sudden Lilly falls to her knees and starts clutching her chest...
I hopped out the stands so fast like I was running from death...
She was unconscience not responding as I went and dropped to my knees...
This is nonsense what the fucks the problem what could it possibly be...
My tears drop on her cheeks then I spot the police...
they grab my arms as I got to my feet...
The EMT's get her in the ambulance and rush to the hospital...
As I hold her hand and I wonder how the fuck is this possible...

The worlds a crazy ride she needs to survive despite the course...
All I do is cry and wait for the doctor who I pray has a nice report...
like your daughters gonna be fine and we can take her off life support...
my mind contorts and I sweat as my heart starts beating so rapidly...
tragically I can see the doctor's face, as he looks at me his face drops drastically...
I'm sorry sir your daughter needs a transplant the operation is quite expensive...
I dont give a fuck it's my daughters life and If I have to fight defenceless...
I will and despite the tension I'll raise the cash its my daughters life in question...
it seems like the nights are endless for being a single dad this isnt the nicest lesson...
I wish I could entice progression and her heart disease would widely lessen...
I'm finally stressin' about how I'm gonna raise the cash for this operation...
I feel like god is Satan money is why my daughter will die the problems raising...
all this cash within the next week but I just need to stop and face it I'm not gon make it
I walk outside for some air as I feel a hand on my shoulder...
I turn around to a man who whispered in my ear damn it its over...
I feel him reach into my jacket and place something inside...
he said dont look at it till he leaves and keep it its mine...
he said his time on earth is over so he's leaving its fine...
God is on your side you need to realize that so keep it mind...
He must be an angel who leaped from the sky...
cus when I reached inside my jacket I couldnt believe with my eyes...
he left me a check for my daughters surgery...
he really is an angel cus he doesnt know or even heard of me...
I can save my daughter now she will live no more worsened danger....
and I owe it all this to an angel my saviour yes a perfect stranger....

[Just Write]

Lol i like how you both took a semi-religious concept from the topic.

Zyg, dude you're amazing, i thought i got my piece up fast but damn. For the complexity of this piece and the time it took you to write it, you get mad props. as for the verse itself it was really good. Talking about the lack of "presense" felt in our today's world. The miley cirus line made me chuckle as did the dlc map pack upgrade concept haha. This really was just an awesome piece, i enjoyed every bit of it.


Exo,
first thing ive read from you man and i really liked it and was impressed. I think you started off really strong but kind of tapered off towards the middle. I felt a little wanting after reading your piece. Like i wanted to know what condition she had and a little more insight into their lives.. it just felt really rushed. Don't get me wrong it was jam packed with this great emotion but it went from waving to your daughter to in the hospital room on life support in like 2 seconds. I would have just liked to see you expanding on the back drop.


Anyways ziggy really brought it this week and that would be a really rough verse for anybody to beat. He gets the vote this week but I can't wait to read more from both of you.

Mvgt=zyg

[PancakeBrah]

zyg -

"You could have monetized the stages of life as separate add-on expansions,
With a DLC to release different emotions through several micro transactions."

There were a couple of lines like that throughout but that was the best, to me. We all know your rep as a detached persona and I really think that's what you want. In some other writer's hands this would be a religious piece, picking a side either way. But the way you wrote, God and Religion are just the vehicles to your point. It's more of a social commentary than a religious one. At least that's how I read it. Maybe your persona lends a reader to infuse his/her own tendencies due to your anonymity but I don't think that's the case. You're a sharp dude with borderline autistic writing sensibilities and they showed out in the best possible way here. Half satire, half intellectual flex, fully impressed.

Exoduzt -

So basically there's a struggle, the topic comes into play, and everything's okay. Nothing stood out to me. Not trying to be a dick but this seemed very basic and 'rhyme/rhyme/topic/" to me. The formatting didn't help my opinion, with the ellipses and all that. Very surface level and short effort.

v/ Zyg

[timeless]

We need a new CEO. Doctrine and dogma is boring,
Fire and brimstone is just so one-thousand and fourteen.
^Def my favorite line out of quite a big selection. Loved the approach you took here leaving god off the throne as if making religion into a gimmick itself. Dope read man, couple of stretched bars I couldn't really get down with towards the end but overall this a def possible VOTW, imo.

Exo quite the opposite, seems like you rushed your idea into one verse that just so happened to rhyme. Idk, just couldn't get into it man. Its cool you tried to bring out a powerful, emotional type of piece but it just didn't work out. The wordplay was too basic, etc.

Gotta give this to Zyg pretty easily here.

[Mike Wrecka]

ok cool battle. enjoyed it

ZYG - really sick verse. it was top notch. it flowed very well and was a fine example of tongue in cheek satire. it could have been a segment on the daily show or something. good end rhymes as well. not always using the obvious choice. a fantastic verse. BUT and this is a big but to me, I don't like the way this verse relates to the topic. you could have had this verse written to post in the OM and added the last line on to try and make it fit. I don't see the strong correlation.

Exo - this verse was good. not great. it reads slightly basic. and I cant figure out why. I mean you used multis. but it just doesn't seem like a very complex rhyme scheme at all. the story itself was good. it was interesting enough. I really liked the connection to the topic. that is where you excelled. I really strong concept. the execution lacked a tad though.

ok two verses one amazing the other was good. but one hit the topic on the head while the other one, at least for me didn't. I cant believe im typing this but im going with the better concept over execution here.

vote - exo

[YDK]

this was a cool battle honestly, I liked both pieces a lot.

Zyg, man your verse had me rolling lol shit was hilarious and all of the business terms and sales talk about religion not selling anymore was done really well. the flow held throughout the piece even when a line looked long it still flowed fluidly. a nice ending as well. strong verse all around man good shit.

Ex, I gotta say bro your verse hit me on a personal level cuz my bestfriend died playing baseball back in highschool and died clutchin his chest so the imagery really hit home. especially because I have a daughter as well. the imagery and emotion was all there but I felt some of the wording needed a little tweaking to really complete it all. either was it was a dope verse and it was the first I've read from you so i'm impressed.

I gotta vote for Zyg on this one just for the cleaner verse. Story verses are good but without perfect wording they don't always hold up against a more technical verse.
Good shit fellas keep droppin

[Frank]

Vote - Exoduzt

I, too, favored the direct approach of writing to the topic, head on, in the most obvious, relateable way. All things considered, all things equaling out, both verses are neck and neck. What it boils down to is, which verse have I connected with and enjoyed more, in regards to the topic, and that verse was written by Exoduzt

[dull boy]

Zyg... best verse I've read this week. You did get slightly repetitive around the middle, not in the sense that the rhyming fell off, but I felt like the story kind of stagnated and went over the same point without moving forward. The end could have had some more complexity, but overall this verse was great. Easy to relate, easy to read and a great concept.

Ex... kind of simplistic, in concept and execution. This story line has just been used so many times, and then the religious aspect just came off as hokey and cliché.

Vote = Zyg

[Ink]

ZYG- This was a pretty interesting take on the topic. I wish the premise wasn't given away so readily in the beginning, but that didn't really take away from my enjoyment. I liked how you brought up current trends and brought up religious things as counterparts, but thought a couple could have been done without.. The point was made after the first couple comparisons, though I appreciated the thoroughness.

Exoduzt- Some great usage of emotions here, but I felt the execution to be pretty lacking... With the path you chose to take with the story, you had some opportunity to really dig in and draw us in with your character, but the entire time reading, I felt like I was glossing over a sparknotes version. The ending also felt too easy/convenient..

Vote: ZYG - Overall he had the stronger verse imo

[Adonis]

Exo - You have talent brother, I think you might best be suited for audio over topical in all honesty, but I'm going to point out a few things I wasn't too fond of in hopes you elivate, take all in stride my friend. I see the talent, now rise....

money is why my daughter will die the problems raising

Simple errors as such hinder the reader. having to stop reading, going back and re-reading for correction sake is precisely what separates elite from above average.

Progession is key, especially while writing a true story, which is how this began. Now as a reader, seeing Ambulance and EMT's at a little girls soccer match throws me off a bit. This verse really needed to be emotionally driven, I feel you did decent regarding it, but felt there is room for improvement.

I hopped out the stands so fast like I was running from death...
She was unconscience not responding as I went and dropped to my knees...
This is nonsense what the fucks the problem what could it possibly be...
My tears drop on her cheeks then I spot the police...

This is an example of solid emotion, but I honestly feel like one additional bar explaining the emotion running through this fathers veins would have helped, none the less, solid writing...

it seems like the nights are endless for being a single dad this isnt the nicest lesson...

You missed a few comas in the verse such as this, not a big issue, but again not stopping the reader is the ultimate goal. This is also why I feel you're best suited for Audio, but that is another story.

Overall, you had a decent enough verse to beat multiple people. These are all simple errors in my own opinion, as I have no clue who you are and I suffer from the same shit, but if improvement is the game then constructive critique I shall provide.


Ziggie - Like the publicity stunt when we elected the first black midget gay pope.

For really LOLD here broseph.

The wine? Substituted with all-natural Guava and zesty mineral water,

sounds effin bomb...


You could have monetized the stages of life as separate add-on expansions,
With a DLC to release different emotions through several micro transactions.
You didn’t sufficiently take advantage of potential revenue streams,
You could have hidden life’s suffering with viral marketing development teams.

Well done sir.

Solid verse if I've ever read. I haven't read anything from you in a while, and I feel like I underestimated you already. You have flow, and when its not perfect, the meaning (s)
in the lines were just to nice to pass up, so in essence, you get a pass IMO. Forever outside the box, forever the paperclip warrior

V/Ziggie having the style to fire god and make it seem like the smart thing to do financially. I don't think you met the topic exactly, it would be fine if the stranger was the one doing the firing, but you added god is a stranger and through that out the window. Either way, superb verse brethren.

[Clockwerk]

ZYG

'We need a new CEO. Doctrine and dogma is boring,
Fire and brimstone is just so one-thousand and fourteen.'

'Christ isn’t trending anymore, crosses and rosaries no longer sell,
In developing economies Allah and Yahweh are posting losses as well'

'You could have monetized the stages of life as separate add-on expansions,
With a DLC to release different emotions through several micro transactions'


To be honest, I could of just quoted the whole verse, from start to finish it
had me hooked with a very clever take on religion with that modern boardroom twist.
I wasnt overly keen on the Miley Cyrus line, for some reason I just found it, a tadd on the
corney side but other than that overall ,awesume 1st week showing.

Exoduzt

As a whole I did acually enjoy your verse, nothing as such really stood out to
me but as a story from A to B, yea It kept me reading. I wasnt sure what to expect
with the stranger aspect, the whole cheque thing did seem a little rushed. All the
emotion leading up to it made me feel a little cheated. Heartbreak etc then out popped
this stranger with a cheque. I think as the weeks come you will be defo, one to watch out,



Vote - ZYG

overall the verse that I felt won here.