Week 1: maths debate vs. El Pancake \\ El Pancake wins 6-0

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 3


The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Deadline extensions of 24 hours are available on request and cannot be denied.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines (or 650 words if formatted in a paragraph style) unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54832).


Topic


"Invisible Man"


Good luck, El Pancake and maths debate.

[PancakeBrah]

The Invisible Man

Peruse the mirage. The refuse collected,
manifests into another useless facade. Translucent and odd.
A blown fuse. Defective. Weakness imbued in his fraud.
Of the truth, so agog. Tumorous. So many clues to be logged.

-

She was exultant, elan. Sultry, disarmed with the results of her charm.
He wrote for her songs. Left to his devices,
he was less emotive than harmed. Stressed, and slow to get on
while she kept him invited. So their spark, so deftly ignited
at the start, seemed prone to go wrong. But things, like they often do,
worked at the start. They both found worth, found who they were talking to.
And as a part, as two, laid in mirth, along with the accompanying acts;
the buzz, the warmth. The sudden rush of synapse. Flush,
rapt in the trappings of lust in the honeymoon stage;
like the rise of the sun, a new day.

But,

Idle hands do the devil’s work. Fine,
but idle minds do a labor of a worst kind. So what started as tics,
and a collection of whims, eventually switched to points of contention for him.
He was fine sitting idle at home, a movie and a fuck before sleep,
but as a socialite she’d go out at night on her own.
How much of a slut can she be?
Regardless of the denials, and their veracity,
time rules everything. And he’d spiral so rapidly
as to eventually shut it all out. The length of a skirt, the amount of lip gloss,
the heels. Everything turned into a insecurity piss-off,
despite the zeal in her innocence. The words of assurance fell flat,
not due to a truth, but of a personality clash.

“What’s his name?”

Some are better off without. Or the thorns they’ve sharpened
are so sordid they have no other option.
It’s nature. He was born to rot and destruct in a micro sense.
She held on, despite his ludicrous fight’s pretense,
for longer than most would. But it’s no good
to fight an invisible man. And she had two to be fed;
the one she used to love and the one in his head.
So she eventually would pack up and leave
to find one she could actually see.

“What’s his name?”

[maths debate]

the invisible man

life blows. my salary sucks
time to move, i'm packing it up
i'm supposed to be happy as fuck
but instead i feel crappy & stuck
no friends, i'm lacking the trust
i'm chasing dreams & inhaling the dust
of those who are more creative & 'stuff'
let's face it, i'm fucked
i might as well take my dad's gun
load the clip & blaze my ass up
i'm had it, enough. show me a sign
so i can be focused on life
be social & dine & let go of the crime
the future. i'm hopeful it's bright
success. i know it's in sight
true love. i'm open to find
the possibilities are an ocean to dive
an eagle or crow in it's flight
i wanna see nyc, rome & toyko at night
so there's at least some content to flash
before my eyes the moment i die
i don't crave the money or the fame
just need tickets & a buddy for the game
try a new sport like rugby for a day
till i don't need that 'something' for the pain
and all i got is healthy blood in all my veins
it's all the same.
shivering through the winter blues
thinking of alissa dance & her finger foods
music that reminds me of then is all i listen to
to be with her & friends is what i wish were true
it will be soon,
answered by the man who's invisible

[Greed]

Cakes verse was annoying when skimming over it

Actually reading it the story was dope. Idle hands/mind part more my style

Math had a okay verse skimming over it

Actually reading it had a cool lil ending, but overall I wasn't very impressed with the verse itself.

V cake

[Just Write]

I liked this, pancake at first glance i was like dammit, i wish he would have stayed with the original verse. But after readding this im glad you switch, both were equally impressive but this ine i feel was a little better league wise, as im sure you did too. Anyways to the verse, damn man. Its like you grabbed into my past and pulled a story out. Im a homevody myself and i had a really active girl once who just loved to fuckin go out. Only difference is i dumped her, i had feelings she was seeing someone else, but im also just distrusting so yea. Anyways yea man way to captyre the whole emotion/panick/worry ect. I like the whole idea of this guy fighting qith an invisible "other guy" kinda reminds me of vivids verse against wise in the winter tourney. pretty flawless read here bro, loved the "one she used to love/one in his head line.


Math, ok bro its obvious you can write and have good scheming but this was pretty simple, and against someone like cakebruh even writing a championship caliber verse sometimes isnt enough. I believe you're a battler so i know there's some adjusting that takes place, i hope you stick around more and develop your topical skills, i think you'd be a beast

Pretty easy for me. Vote- pan man

[H4ZE]

Pancake- this verse was awesome. The imagery was amazing, flow was good, nice wording and rhyming. It was dope.
I love the story, the way you went at this topic was dope.

Math- this was pretty good, just not up to par with pancakes. Nice rhyming and flow. But the imagery wasnt there like pancakes was. So you need to work on that. I could feel the emotion in pancakes verse but not so much in yours. Though I did like the ending a lot.

Mvgt El Pancake

[Lars]

Pancake: Nice to see the switch from the verse in Open Mic, completely different take, felt this one resonated more and had a lot more material people can relate to when reading - the other/first take I read seemed more comedic in approach, to me at least, but this one was a lot sharper from a technical standpoint and it made the flow to it really easy to get into.

Idle hands do the devil’s work. Fine,
but idle minds do a labor of a worst kind.

I thought that couplet was dope, the opening of the last section too but I really felt the above one. Great wording and rhyme placement throughout, arguably one of the best writers voices on the board IMHO. Good way to flip it from your initial thought as well here. Top showing.

Math: You obviously struggled with the topic this week, but you've a lot of potential here if you stick at it, the shorter lined steez can work to your advantage against some of the heads in the AOWL because your flow is really easy to find and consistent with it, you've a grasp on the mechanics behind the verse from a technical standpoint, you just need that creative spark to really turn on for you and your style will be a problem, I'm sure of that. The ending more so than the start was pretty impressive and I'd say perhaps a better display of what you're capable of, it was just getting that initial drive or idea to attack because once you had it, your verse read a lot more polished and original.

I'm going with Pancake here though, just thought he excelled in a lot more areas, from the approach to the execution. Keep those pens moving!

[Vulgar]

Pancake - I was very impressed by how you concluded this one. Clever! The build up was wordy, but not to a boiling point. You gave me the impression that you are a dating expert by the way you described the dichotomy brewing between the two characters. Nice work.

maths debate - Not bad. Your rhyming is solid, no doubts there. You do seem new to topical writing and I don't think you fully 'believe' in yourself yet. No use for this notion if there is one like that because you already have a good set of skills. The point is to get the reader riled up, involved and show them something cool. Here, you had a decent verse without much of an impactful ending. It didn't need to be as 'fancy' as Pancakes in order to merit a win or a vote, but it just needed more soul. Pancake outdid you in the craftsman's respect.

Vote - Pancake

[zygote]

PancakeBrah, just read the other one in the OM, beforehand and that one was a lot better, it's hard not to let that bias this. The writing is very refined, using a delicate language, words like 'elan' and phrases like 'laid in mirth' either this is some trend or a deliberate writing choice here. The whole thing was a great display of cohesion with language and content working together, the only part that perhaps didn't mesh fully was the 'idle minds' part.

Maths debate, good discussion of teenage angst, more of a character study about an unpopular, or largely ignored school child. Perhaps you missed a few tricks here and there to add some more subtle stuff, some depth to the character. There was a sense of this character being naive (e.g., the see 'NYC, Rome, Tokoyo') and the part about the Dad's gun was good, but there was a missed potential to build on things like that. Voting for PB.