Week 1: Vulgar vs. King Ra. \\ Vulgar wins 5-0

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 3


The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Deadline extensions of 24 hours are available on request and cannot be denied.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines (or 650 words if formatted in a paragraph style) unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54832).


Topic


"The Double Helix"


Good luck, Vulgar and King Ra.

[Vulgar]

Memory loss and inability to acquire new memories are common consequences of traumatic brain injury, and memory dysfunction is an expensive, long-term treatment problem for the military. Recovery from loss of memory associated with critical work and life tasks is essential to the recovery of a brain-wounded warfighter. A biomimetic model of the hippocampus could serve as a neural prosthesis for lost cognitive function and memory impairment.

Can you believe this schtick?!
Becoming integrated with the GOLOV Software had beleaguered the precinct
Trevor was flown to the Cambridge Technical Institute for procedural briefings
Dehumanization was tough - the process seemed complicated enough
to take a storm trooper and place him in flux; without the uninhibited oscillation of guts
Army administration agencies bugged trainee's brains with neurological sensors
If their bodily temperature was off, they read: "INOPERABLE: enter physiological member"
Trevor could hardly remember the contractual obligations, sat in his seat
The cold steel of the synaptic-marine-diaphragm did nothing to curb his chattering teeth
He was told he was chosen to be a test subject; there were an average of three
The galaxy raffle was deep - he lackadaisically replied "Not like it matters to me."
This savage regime had already surrounded him with seven lifetimes of battle debris
The virtual database fastened his genes - robotic castrators stabbed in his cheeks
Yet in his mind, the throes of havoc were peace - stress levels were rather relieved
His widow's peak revealed a plastic physique, the artificial atoms conceived
...fortunately left his body in tact for the evening, they slurred all the facts
swarmed upon him with girders & straps, a brand was burnt on his back
His vertebrate snapped; beyond the glass, observing surgeons & reservists would clap
The pressures of DNA alteration were painful; they even mechanized his urinal tract
if he had acquired anything, it was the immortality that Copernicus lacked
Many futurists and technological purists were alarmed at all the bad reports
concerning how test subjects ended up as museum exhibits and as lab décor
Trevor's consciousness was captured, this was last resort - he'd lay in freezers
Acclimation made him grey and weaker...
He was the product of the Army's own "Create Your Own Player" feature
Life wasn't in limbo, it was split into ten modes -
His remaining senses told him to let go but he was an efficient, killing machismo
Molecular adjustments had infiltrated combat, it infringed on his thin soul
All of a sudden, the central console freezed up -
In the darkness, cognitive eruptions, morsels of being were debased & stretched
The chief of staff even tried to pacify his H.M.S. - "Please, Major...rest."
but by tampering with his DNA, he hadn't a strand of patience left
An eerie silence prefaced stages that'd leave him in a cybernetic matrix
The prolonging of life had uncomfortable consequences: Cryogenic stasis

Have you ever heard the phrase that "good is a flirt, and evil is teasing us?"
Dendrites became foundries and light medians...the effects brutal, but quite genius
GOLOV took Trevor, like many unaware troopers, into perpetual war zones
They were condemned as luminescent ortho's...
Soldiering on in an endless portal of undead veteran virtuoso's.

[King Ra.]

For those who are curious, here is the Link to Part II.
"Between Sticks & Stones, Part III:
'Helix Rising'"


Every riddle, every clue. Every ripple, every cue.
Every simple thing you find, every minute you may pursue.
Every detail you thought you knew, or facts you had assumed
only led you to the way of doom. Where darkness falls & chaos looms.
I've watched your every move, every hopeless pursuit
to seek & find the truth, which I constantly consume.
Sticks & stones will break your bones, my words are never lies
answer any question wrong.... and forever be entombed.

Welcome to my abode, Detective Roberts.

As his conscious arose from it's sleep, pain riddled his nerves
Roberts slowly awoke feeling weak, drained & a little concerned.
He couldn't remember a thing, nor move a muscle & worse
he felt something sharp in his brain that continuously burned.
Realized he was shackled in chains, metal as cold as the Arctic
plus felt the tip of some needles in the veins of his arms.
The detective remained calm, tried to fight the amnesia
if memory served him correct,
he recalled his last encounter with the mysterious creature....
(or was it human?)

"Detective Roberts, it's time to wake up."

Roberts slowly regained his vision, then terror shot through his heart
as the mysterious one stood before him cloaked in the dark.
Does my presence put fear in your bones, enough for them to shatter apart?
I warned you before of my power, right from the start.
The mind of a serial killer? Is that something that can be taught?
I'm nothing of the kind, I even laughed at the thought.
Far from human, far from god. I'm just a mirage.
Any image you manage to put together is just a collage
of every bit of fear you have within, any particular sort.
S'why every bit of evidence forensics receives falls ridiculously short.
I could kill you in the blink of an eye, without a hint of remorse,
but you continued your mission & investigative reports.
So once more we again, this time is the last.
I could have sworn I had you done when you were stuck in that glass.
No hope for you now, unless you solve my mystery.
For an incorrect response will put you out of your misery.
Sticks & stones may break your bones, and these words are dear to me
Take the time to observe your surroundings, then pay close attention to me.
Two giant tubes stood at his side, within, a large DNA helix-like fixture
One side filled with blood red liquid, the other a pitch black mixture.
There are two IV's stuck in your arms, do you dare answer the question wrong?
For each mixture would kill you in an instant, death swift to drag you along.
What lies between the stick & stone, when a fire arises?
The mystery is one of great importance, and beyond the nature of science.


Silence.


to be continued....

[PancakeBrah]

Vulgar -

This read a little different than from what I'm used to from you, probably due to the more linear story formatting. Not better or worse just a bit stylistically divergent. Less allusions and whatnot. As for the verse's content, this was up to your usual standard. You took an interesting route with the topic and executed. The descriptions were the strong point, as is the usual for your verses, but you kept a strong through-line of plot as well which connected all those descriptions. Solid opening effort to the season. I particularly enjoyed

"The pressures of DNA alteration were painful; they even mechanized his urinal tract
if he had acquired anything, it was the immortality that Copernicus lacked
Many futurists and technological purists were alarmed at all the bad reports
concerning how test subjects ended up as museum exhibits and as lab décor"

King Ra -

I didn't click the link. It's my opinion that verses should stand-alone in this league, and while an epic topical piece spanning multiple Open Mics is an interesting idea I think it's a bit unfair to both you and your opponent in a league-setting. It can either give your piece undue weight and length or it can be an advantage to your opponent by only being a fragment or portion of something with no clear beginning and end. I think both cases apply here. I enjoyed your level of writing in this piece and felt it was one of your stronger efforts, one that raised my esteem of you in a larger sense. But this is a piece of something I'm not familiar with and don't plan to just to help you maybe get a vote. I think that if you had written something different, encapsulated in one verse, at the level you did here you may have had a chance to go toe to toe with an excellent Vulgar verse. As for the actual content of the verse, it was interesting. I think the tie-in to the topic was a little tenuous and maybe shoehorned in. But you set a scene, a confrontation, a final showdown of sorts. And, again, you wrote with a deft touch. But the overall problems with your saga route were too much for me.

Interesting match.

V/ Vulgar

[NYCSPITZ]

Liked both verses, VUlgar's was riddled with the usual solid mechanic and witticisms, The tone of your pieces has strong currents of intelligent thought but sometimes the humor doesn't mesh well. The steel urinary tract part was lol but it just seemed like a bit of trivia to me and softened the strong pulse you created. That said I think humor can be used well in topicals but it's tricky and you pulled it off more times than not in this piece which is cool. Cool verse.

King , wassup my N.I.G...dope verse. Some SAW type shit with great mechanics, it's clear you have elevated loads from when we first met. My problem is that it's a verse with writing that could have produced a great standalone verse, but Vulgar's was complete. He didn't blow you away by any means it was a see-saw because I found myself trying to see if I could spit yours to a beat as a read but in a league setting I believe the fragmented nature of the story hurt you. Good to see you my dud ebut I'm gonna

V/ vulgar

[Just Write]

Man i fed this shit and pressed enter on my phone in a dead area and it didnt load. Then i went to press refresh and it deleted my feed. Lets try this again.

Vulgar,
I always know im going to entertained reading your verses, this one was no different. The description was veautiful as was the intellectual venacular. The mechanical urinary track made me lolz. A very strong verse for week one. Props


King mu'fuckin raw,
i really enjoyed this piece but it didnt feel complete. I didn't click the link because i feel thats almost cheating because if i add that to this piece it exceeds the limit and what not. I love your storytelling abilities and when you actually write a full piece they are always spectacular. Despite that i think this still would have won in a lot of battles but i don't think it was enough facing an opponent like vulgar.


Mvgt=vulgar
Great read guys

[Cereal_Killa]

VULGAR:

Here straight out the gate, usually with your pieces there is an overdose of your arena, area and environment (which is magnificent) This time due to the climax it is very fitting that it wasn’t as such.. It was smooth, subtle as if your whole verse resembled the suit that was wrapped around your solider (whilst still holding the political anguish/angles)

“Army administration agencies bugged trainee's brains with neurological sensors”

Straight into the dream stasis

“The cold steel of the synaptic-marine-diaphragm did nothing to curb his chattering teeth”

Through the actual mind map – VISUALLY

“The galaxy raffle was deep”

LOL

“revealed a plastic physique”
(they even mechanized his urinal tract)

cybernetic matrix
+
luminescent ortho's

A Cyber enlightenment.. Massive Woah

The fact that the poor schmoo is stuck in the abyss, the dark matter, in a silent stasis of oblivion to float around as a lost soul is INCREDIBLE

Highly impressed, my friend..


KING RA:

The creepy yet potent intro mix was insane, loved it..

"every hopeless pursuit
to seek & find the truth, which I constantly consume."

Opening stanza
The scurried thoughts, almost distorted
You def can feel the fight/feel the blur
And then..
Perfect alignment on the “wake up call”

Through out the verse as the story, environment unfolds.. each line hits down..
Ima just say your dot points, after every line are f’n sexy (like) ! ! ! !
Whilst still moving through..

Where the serial killer pops with his riddle at the end.. The mixture and the lay up for a DR jeckle and MR hide/Frankenstine future revelation.. was pretty friggen nice..

I loved, cheers :)


VOTE = Vulgar

His brutal world has more avenues/tangents, still loven the play on for your progressive tale Mr King Ra Ra..

Good Luck boys..

[Frank]

vulgar

sterile scientist suit type of verse. you have one word that nearly ruined your focused narrative, this being the cornipicus line. that line was more of train of thought with your usual universally 'referenecy' way of writing. you almost had a cohesive piece here - coherent in singular theme. that line was so powerfully out of place that it almost divided the piece though. overall, aside from that one line, i found this piece eerily written. i finished reading feeling probed by tentacles of higher intelligence. i noticed your attention to transitions really paid off for you in the flow department. well done. enjoyed the read -

king ra

as always, epic. your epic presentation skills somewhat out-shine your actual content most of the time. in terms of pure presentation skills, you're top 5 on netcees, without a doubt. your arrangement is wonderfully mapped out, over the top grandeur. this piece wasn't particularly written all that well. a lot of simple wording/schemes. your gift and talent lies in organization and presentation. if you can take that and hone it to an even higher level, your pieces will stand up to better written pieces simply because of entertainment value.

vote goes to vulgar

good battle to open up the season here.