Week 1: YDK vs. Ink \\ Ink wins 9-8

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 3


The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Deadline extensions of 24 hours are available on request and cannot be denied.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines (or 650 words if formatted in a paragraph style) unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54832).


Topic


"Dead Souls"


Good luck, YDK and Ink.

[YDK]

Demonic urges storm the skies with a heavenly essence
Death is a sentence to those without a destiny present.
Put yourself first but never put your enemy second,
because every second beckons when an entity threatens.
Lesson learned; now let the pressing questions adjourn,
a confession of depression isn't easily earned.
Frequently turned against you in the form of a heart,
It's torn apart and restored; now that's sort of an art.
More importantly it brings you back to the start,
Where life and death burn using hope as a spark.
Like a scope predisposed to puncture the occipital lobe,
The soul grows weaker with every drink and sip of the soave.
Expecting to implode when you think you're alone,
Leaving a chink in the armor that you can never atone for.
Unforgiving hopelessness, nobody can cope with this sober,
So a crushed up pill and a dollar bill helps to handle the closure.
Acceptance means little when your asking repentance
and every breath is evidence that you cant finish the sentence.
Lives full of lies without the need for disguise,
because everybody's eyes deny their demise.
Soulless body's wander growing fonder of death,
Refusing their fate, until they're somber; bereft.
Hell seems to have an odd calming effect,
Destroying our souls while embalming the rest

Yet we believe we'll never die...

we're just stalling at best.

[Ink]

Cheap metal rattles the saddles of this mechanic beast
The wind unleashed
Crashed down on immigrants like they're a bathtub fleet
Unsettled speech, intertwines with seatbelt warnings
"Can I please have your attention, it's your Captain speaking
We will be landing shortly, though the weathers turned sour
Welcome to America, paved with minimum pay per hour"
The runway and tires fought like an old married couple
Jostling the cargo of aliens like ET bobbles
The screaming, the pushing, and the hiss of hot tears
The domestic violence was comforting to the pioneers
They had arrived
US Soil, where blood and toil
Will be met with, once curtailed, dreams uncoiled
He stepped out, prepared for many nights with midnight oils
With a fair wife, in any light, she'd make passions boil
Tugging their luggage, one suitcase and a carry-on dream
Showing the wear of forefathers that provided his seed

It didn't take long to get settled, a loan and shoe shop
Craftsmanship tip top, he had that stitch game on lock
The calligraphy of threaded needle, dance by firelight
Dreams require fight or flight, he channeled a fighters might
"The finest soles in LA, with impeccable leatherworking"
Word of mouth brought about a demand he couldn't meet
Backlogged, he slaved away, his wife entered the fray
Her pretty hands now calloused, as talks of children fade
Day by day, the orders came, he didn't turn any back
When he was young, business was tough, so he chased after the cash
Without a free moment to enjoy, they paid for it with time
One year, then decades, their chosen currency flew by
Every day, went through the motions, reading the same script
Living vs. surviving, thin line in a room dimly lit
Wrinkled skin stretched over iron, rusted feet in fresh shoes
Hear the gears creak, two machines with much to do

[fresh]

Demonic urges storm the skies with a heavenly essence
Death is a sentence to those without a destiny present.
Put yourself first but never put your enemy second,
because every second beckons when an entity threatens.
I'm liking this. decent rhyme pattern, imagery is on point, nice flow.
Lesson learned; now let the pressing questions adjourn,
a confession of depression isn't easily earned.
Frequently turned against you in the form of a heart,
It's torn apart and restored; now that's sort of an art.
Nice transition, decent internals, not bad technicals, looking good so far brother
More importantly it brings you back to the start,
Where life and death burn using hope as a spark.
Like a scope predisposed to puncture the occipital lobe,
The soul grows weaker with every drink and sip of the soave.
The last line not working for me, as saove is pronounced "swava".
Expecting to implode when you think you're alone,
Leaving a chink in the armor that you can never atone for.
Unforgiving hopelessness, nobody can cope with this sober,
So a crushed up pill and a dollar bill helps to handle the closure.
Things are getting dark. I like the armor imagery/metaphor
Acceptance means little when your asking repentance
and every breath is evidence that you cant finish the sentence.
Lives full of lies without the need for disguise,
because everybody's eyes deny their demise.
nice
Soulless body's wander growing fonder of death,
Refusing their fate, until they're somber; bereft.
Hell seems to have an odd calming effect,
Destroying our souls while embalming the rest
Nicely executed dude.

Yet we believe we'll never die...

we're just stalling at best.

Overall decent read, I think you could have spiced it up with some more technicals and internal rhymes, but the imagery and vocabulary you used is pretty decent. Good shit man.

vs.

Cheap metal rattles the saddles of this mechanic beast
The wind unleashed
Crashed down on immigrants like they're a bathtub fleet
Unsettled speech, intertwines with seatbelt warnings
"Can I please have your attention, it's your Captain speaking
We will be landing shortly, though the weathers turned sour
Welcome to America, paved with minimum pay per hour"
I like the way you describe the plane as having a saddle, spices up the imagery
The runway and tires fought like an old married couple
Jostling the cargo of aliens like ET bobbles
The screaming, the pushing, and the hiss of hot tears
The domestic violence was comforting to the pioneers
They had arrived
US Soil, where blood and toil
Will be met with, once curtailed, dreams uncoiled
He stepped out, prepared for many nights with midnight oils
With a fair wife, in any light, she'd make passions boil
Tugging their luggage, one suitcase and a carry-on dream
Showing the wear of forefathers that provided his seed
I like how you describe the minute details, like the tires and pavement fighting like an old married couple, really good metaphor use.

It didn't take long to get settled, a loan and shoe shop
Craftsmanship tip top, he had that stitch game on lock
The calligraphy of threaded needle, dance by firelight
Dreams require fight or flight, he channeled a fighters might
"The finest soles in LA, with impeccable leatherworking"
Word of mouth brought about a demand he couldn't meet
I like the direction you took for this topic
Backlogged, he slaved away, his wife entered the fray
Her pretty hands now calloused, as talks of children fade
Day by day, the orders came, he didn't turn any back
When he was young, business was tough, so he chased after the cash
Without a free moment to enjoy, they paid for it with time
One year, then decades, their chosen currency flew by
Every day, went through the motions, reading the same script
Living vs. surviving, thin line in a room dimly lit
Wrinkled skin stretched over iron, rusted feet in fresh shoes
Hear the gears creak, two machines with much to do
I like your story telling abilities, and your use of literary devices. However, the rhyme structure is very basic. I think if you had some multi syllabic rhyme schemes with internals or even dual multi rhyme schemes going (much harder to pull off but cool when you do) it would make for a much better read. You're killing it in the other aspects of writing, so keep at it bro good job.

Conclusion

Ok so you have YDK who has more of an elusive way of writing, makes you reach deeper into the old brain to be able to pick up what hes saying. I do like that style of writing as it lets you use your imagination more. You also have complex rhyme schemes which is harder to pull off, but when done nicely can make the piece overall more effective.
On the other hand you have Ink who uses literary devices like a champ. The way you correlate inanimate objects with real life occurrences was really well done, bravo sir. You lack on the technical rhyming aspect, but the way you tell the story is really intriguing.

With that being said, I think my vote is gonna have to go to Ink, because I was more enthralled into his verse, the way I could almost reach in and touch the airplane because he described it with metaphors and such to bring it to life. He also told a story which is actually happening right now as we speak, and the way he told it was enjoyable and easy to relate to. Good shit both, but I was able to get through inks verse easier.

v/Ink

[Just Write]

Good battles so far, ive enjoyed almost every verse ive read this week


Ydk, you took a more direct route on the topic, i feel you were trying to almost sound too deep. I had to read your verse a couple to fully grasp what you're saying, i hate doing that. Don't get me wrong, it was a great verse and packed a big punch in so few lines but i don't like having to work as a reader through a verse. I mean why couldn't you just say wine lol, made me go look in a dictionary and shit haha. I also didnt like the last line, stalling at best was just aweful. Besides just a few minor things you had something here, just not your best.

Ink, now when i read your topic i immediately thought of shoes too lol. I really liked this story about an immigrant family dreaming of coming to america and having this glorious life only to realize that they have to work twice as hard just to get by and STILL live paycheck to paycheck. This is some real life shit, i fucking hate the way shit works sometimes. Anyways really good verse man, welcome back.

Mvgt=ink

[Mike Wrecka]

aight I read this battle twice. I really enjoyed both verses a lot.

YDK - imo , this was the best verse you have ever posted on this site. you finally didn't half ass it that was obvious. work was put into this piece. it had a very polished feel to it. I will be honest I didn't know you were capable of this level

Demonic urges storm the skies with a heavenly essence
Death is a sentence to those without a destiny present.
Put yourself first but never put your enemy second,
because every second beckons when an entity threatens.
Lesson learned; now let the pressing questions adjourn,
a confession of depression isn't easily earned.
Frequently turned against you in the form of a heart,
It's torn apart and restored; now that's sort of an art

just sick sick sick sick sick. that's five sicks. I could read that shit all day tbh. the complexity of the rhyme scheme and the elegance of the multis jumps out at me. and the flow is so fluid. very impressive.

you faltered a tad here

Like a scope predisposed to puncture the occipital lobe,
The soul grows weaker with every drink and sip of the soave.
Expecting to implode when you think you're alone,
Leaving a chink in the armor that you can never atone for.
Unforgiving hopelessness, nobody can cope with this sober,
So a crushed up pill and a dollar bill helps to handle the closure.

wasn't in love with those lines

this was dope

Soulless body's wander growing fonder of death,
Refusing their fate, until they're somber; bereft.
Hell seems to have an odd calming effect,
Destroying our souls while embalming the rest


love the use of bereft there.

overall - I really liked this verse. the complexity of the rhyme scheme and really strong multis, especially in the first half was incredible. it finished strong. it was more of an overview on society than a story line with a plot but that's ok. that's a classical topical route. it shouldn't be disregarded as the lesser. some great writers still use that method sometimes. dead man comes to mind. dope stuff.


INK - welcome back homie. you brought your usual incredible plot driven storyline. the last one I remember reading from you involved a guy and a girl at an amusement park getting killed on a roller coaster or something. this piece was much much better than that strong verse though.

Cheap metal rattles the saddles of this mechanic beast
The wind unleashed
Crashed down on immigrants like they're a bathtub fleet

I wanted to see mechanical there. I think it was a typo. actually im sure of it.

Unsettled speech, intertwines with seatbelt warnings
"Can I please have your attention, it's your Captain speaking
We will be landing shortly, though the weathers turned sour
Welcome to America, paved with minimum pay per hour"
The runway and tires fought like an old married couple
Jostling the cargo of aliens like ET bobbles
The screaming, the pushing, and the hiss of hot tears
The domestic violence was comforting to the pioneers


this felt a little clunky. it wasn't that smooth tbh. the old married couple metaphor was really cool. the following line with the ET bobbles felt out of place.

Backlogged, he slaved away, his wife entered the fray
Her pretty hands now calloused, as talks of children fade
Day by day, the orders came, he didn't turn any back
When he was young, business was tough, so he chased after the cash
Without a free moment to enjoy, they paid for it with time
One year, then decades, their chosen currency flew by
Every day, went through the motions, reading the same script
Living vs. surviving, thin line in a room dimly lit
Wrinkled skin stretched over iron, rusted feet in fresh shoes
Hear the gears creak, two machines with much to do


beautiful. it was well written and I found the storyline at this point to be captivating. it pulled me in fully. this section was very strong. the story was going full blast and teaching a lesson at the same time about people that chase the dollar their whole life working hard but never enjoying the fruits of their labors. that's powerful and deep. and thought provoking. so A plus plus plus right there brother.

I just wish you started the verse with that section and maybe just elaborated on it more. the immigrants coming to America section did nothing for me. get to the meat of the story and linger there a tad longer perhaps.

just some minor minor qualms with a really dope verse. thanks for the read. enjoyed it both times I went through it.



OK we have YDK verse which was technically dazzling in the beginning that puttered out for a short stretch in the middle but finished strong. while telling about some of the weaknesses of the human race. against Inks coming to America story about a shoe maker that wasn't quite as technically impressive as YDKs but did really bring up some thought provoking things to meditate on. very close battle. could go either way but I liked YDKs more


vote - YDK

[TYSON]

Ydk,

"Demonic urges storm the skies with a heavenly essence Death is a sentence to those without a destiny present. Put yourself first but never put your enemy second, because every second beckons when an entity threatens."

Realest shit ever wrote. Most frown on the straight forward approach but when its got its good its good and this was real good.

"Expecting to implode when you think you're alone, Leaving a chink in the armor that you can never atone for."

Didnt like this line tho. Wording thru me off.

Ink,

"Every day, went through the motions, reading the same script Living vs. surviving, thin line in a room dimly lit"

Favorite bar to me. The story was legit and touched the topic nicely. I seen no problem story wise but i felt wording was off a couple places and didnt rhyme to me. The flow was sketchy too.

Story vs straight up... I like writing storys more and ink had a good story just some tecnical errors and could have been a smoother read. ydk had some fire and spoke more to me.

VOTE....YDK
GOOD MATCH YALL...

[PancakeBrah]

YDK -

Overall this approach was rather straightforward. Took on the topic very directly and went with the opining and meditative route. Which is fine. As for the actual verse there were a lot of "standard-issue deep" words like 'destiny', 'essence', 'confession of depression', 'repentance', etc. I liked this bar

"Like a scope predisposed to puncture the occipital lobe,
The soul grows weaker with every drink and sip of the soave."

the most. Also, the 'somber; bereft' wording was a nice little touch. But I can't help but feel this felt a bit generic. Nothing really wowed me or felt innovative to me. This type of verse has been done a lot and nothing separated this from the rest in my mind. Not to say I didn't like it; your mechanics were there and everything was written airtight. It just lacked that extra oomph.

Ink -

I'm impressed. I think the 'Welcome to America, paved with minimum pay per hour' was the only glaring mistake in this verse. It felt too on the nose and also unrealistic. Conceptually I was a bit confused with your direction when you shifted from the expected route of menial work for low pay to an overload of success but I got there and in the end you showed it's the same result. I think this piece had some nuance both in its story and and its wording. Having never read anything from you before I came away surprised by the quality of this.

Good battle.

v/ Ink

[H4ZE]

YDK- as el pancake said I feel the verse is a bit generic. Though I do love the verse and the complexity of the rhyme schemes. I just feel like Inks verse was a lot better on the story telling aspect.

Ink- this verse was very impressive, the way you went at the topic was dope. Your use of literary devices was awesome in my opinion. Though the verse would've been a lot smoother if you would have had multis and internals.

Overall: IMO this is a close battle. Both were good in different aspects. YDK had the good rhyme schemes and story telling though the imagery wasn't there like it was in inks. And Ink had the amazing story telling and dope imagery but the flow wasn't amazing and neither was the rhyming.

I think I'm gonna have to go with ink on this one. His verse just drew me in more with the imagery and story telling. But good shit both of you.

V/Ink

[timeless]

“Demonic urges storm the skies with a heavenly essence
Death is a sentence to those without a destiny present.
Put yourself first but never put your enemy second,
because every second beckons when an entity threatens.
Lesson learned; now let the pressing questions adjourn,
a confession of depression isn't easily earned.”
Ydk, loved the opening. The flow was pretty impeccable throughout the read. The ending could also be a great quotable as well, the last 2 bars more specifically. Was dope taking the “I’ll live forever” approach, could be basic to some, but you had a different way of showing it. Good read man.

” Tugging their luggage, one suitcase and a carry-on dream
Showing the wear of forefathers that provided his seed”
Ink, I enjoyed your verse as well. Good route with the topic with the depiction of a foreign couple coming to America to slave away in the workforce. Two things though that bothered me though, was how you chose to end the story, and your flow was off on a few parts.

Both came pretty dope with their approach to such a bland topic. Gotta go with YDK though for most enjoyable, and a smoother read.

v.YDK

[Frank]

Vote - YDK

Close bout. Ink was descriptively interesting, though his mechanics left much to be desired. Verse started off interestingly enough, but would fade into obscurity. It's not easy to maintain a consistent tone of quality through an entire verse, is it? You should take full advantage of the 48 line limit because your time off writing books is better suited for a fuller canvas - where you can tell stories at a pace you're more familiar with. YDK verse was refined and swift enough to hold up against a more discombobulated verse. His steady improvement has been noticed and awarded with this vote.

[oats]

YDK: I thought this was a very poetic piece, the emotion was genuine. You did a really good job creating an atmosphere through your descriptions and word choices, gave it a distinct tone and feel. All in all, it was short, and didn't tread any new waters, but you were fresh in style and you executed well. good shit.


Ink: It took me a little bit longer to get into your verse, but when I did I was impressed, def an original angle to take. You told a story from A to B well, but although it was a unique approach, I thought it was a little flat as far as a story (though your ending line was perfect, awesome way to end it). One of your strengths is your creativity with language, especially insofar as individual lines and descriptions go. If you can bridge the gap between that and your rhyming, you will be a force.


Vote: This was a really solid battle, I enjoyed both. YDK was a little more generic, but his execution and style were on-point, as well as the polish in his writing. Ink had a more original spin to his topic, but I don't think he quite pulled it off in terms of his storytelling, and his rhyming was fairly basic. I can see how either can pull away with the W here, really comes down to preference, and I slightly preferred YDK. Good shit.

[zygote]

Enjoyed the thematic cohesion of language and concept from YDK better than focused narration of Ink. Ink's narration bordered on a kind of satire at times, but perhaps the underlying social themes were a little bit muddled. YDK had good mechanical elements, but didn't feel that the progression was fully effective. Voting for Ink.

[Adonis]

YDKizzAY - This was a very, very dope verse sir. Flow was nice, usually when you have soo many multies Ala..."a confession of depression" you tend to make less sense for rhymes sake. But everything tied together nicely here. The meaning....hmmm, I took it as we are all dying or killing ourselves rather, and hell is just waiting as we (humans) are just living, every second being an inch closer to deaths clutch. Dope verse bro, I did enjoy the read from start to end multiple times.

Ink - The runway and tires fought like an old married couple....dope writing, imagery at its finest, only its not imagery, its sound. Symbolism at its best. Solid writing although the second stanza was far, far better then the first I must say. First stanza had me questioning word choice....But in all honesty, the rhymes might not have been as crisp, but the meanings behind each line were just that much more important. I enjoyed this verse and meaning behind it. The immigrant's and the work ethic, slaving away for the check until you can no longer. This is something Americans have lost and still complain about foreigners taking there jobs, first they are not yours, second, they are willing to work until they die much like YOUR own ancestors did, don't feel so entitled, go get it.


Tough battle here, will definately be one of the better battles of the seasons Certain

V/Ink for having the better concept, but also having the stronger execution although both verses were far above average from what I've read thus far. Honestly, I've read something like 12 verses and I would put these two as top 4, maybe top 3 not counting the champ match.

[Diode]

V/ ydk

Rhyme scheme more basic but a much more fleshed out oiece and with far more sincerity attached. Ink's piece seemed to end abruptly due to line limit or forcing the topic as a conclusion at the end of an unassociated story. It threw me off and needed more time to bring the characters from A to B. YDK told a whole story, emotionally involved and attached to the topic.

[Clockwerk]

YDK

'Put yourself first but never put your enemy second,
because every second beckons when an entity threatens'

'More importantly it brings you back to the start,
Where life and death burn using hope as a spark'

Awesume verse, the multis used worked fantastic and
made for a somewhat rapid read, the content was very
dark and morbid which worked great, gave it that hellish
tone which one would associate with dead souls. nice job

INK

'He stepped out, prepared for many nights with midnight oils
With a fair wife, in any light, she'd make passions boil'

'Backlogged, he slaved away, his wife entered the fray
Her pretty hands now calloused, as talks of children fade'


Beautiful piece here, your use of metaphors really stoodout well and very
creative. I wasnt keen on the start of your piece, well the captains speech
to be precise, but other than that the story gripped me and made for a top notch
read.


Overall I find this very hard to vote, but in this instance I preferred the story
approach that little bit more, great match here guys

Vote - INK

[Greed]

Ydk started strong. Verse was cool.

Ink verse was depressing. Content was sloppy.

V ydk

[e11even]

YDK- Fucking cool. A bit rhymey (not a word, to be obv), but it merely straddled that line, as it was well written, albeit one odd rhyme transition (alone, atone for). Vocabulary was a step up and your overall setup was pretty nice. The last few lines were pretty killer, though great lines were littered throughout imo. Good job bro.

Ink- if this was a biographical retelling during the booms of early American immigration, this would truly be a cool piece. This was an unassuming drop on the face of it, but when you dive in, it tells an involved and relevant story. The first two lines of the second verse really urked me though. Ugh. Great drop overall.

All in all, both of you dove into this topic headfirst. I liked both verses, but opted for the better imagery and intimate account. MVGT Ink.

[dyedinthewool]

YDK- I really liked this. Your piece was more imagery than story telling but I feel like you properly described the essence of “dead souls”. While I feel you could have stepped a bit more outside the box, your flow and your wording I feel gives you the upper hand here.

INK- this was good, but if I remember correctly enough, I have seen much, much better from you. This left me wanting more and your mechanics here were not as clean as they could have been. This stalled a bit for me and I think the flow had a lot to do with it. I do however think that your use of the topic was great


Mvgt ydk

[Certain]

As stated earlier, I am casting tiebreaker votes this season. This was a very good battle, and it's fitting that it comes down to the end.

YDK: Your writing was cleaner here than I have seen from you in the past. You showed good concentration and put a focus on your rhymes without forcing many. The flow was great. But you took a cliché topic and made it more cliché, and the vague images never really moved beyond the expected. The ending was strong, and I liked the bit about the occipital lobe because it was one turn that actually surprised me. You didn't really take a position here, and the take on the topic was exceedingly direct. So while this was one of the better-written verses I've seen from you, a deeper concentration on unique content was required.

Ink: I liked the concept you came with here, that the myth of the American dream itself causes the corruption of souls. And your writing was pretty polished. Spending half your verse on that plane felt like a bit of a red herring to me, and topical verses generally are not long enough for extended red herrings. But you pulled it back together and unified the verse with that last line. I do think there were a few issues where you could have polished the verse more, but mostly the issue was that you didn't develop that second stanza as fully as it could have been. Still, I appreciate the effort to do something deeper with the topic. Both you and YDK wrote your verses well and impressed me on that front, but while YDK chose a safe route, you went with the tougher task and executed it pretty well. The hitches were made up for by the originality.

Vote: Ink